DH upset about his childhood diet.

[Fussyeater321]

Name change for this as it could be outing…

Yesterday we got onto the conversation of DH’s childhood diet. He started it that during his whole childhood he wasn’t never not allowed something because he had already had enough sweet treats/it wasn’t healthy/needed to eat something healthy etc. DH got quite serious (obviously been on his mind for a while) and said I could never really understand how bad his diet was. I knew that his dad made him chicken nuggets for breakfast before school everyday (primary school!), that the first time he ever remembers trying any vegetable was with his ex and that his mum always told him that he wouldn’t like pizza/curry/pasta/any normal meal.

He said that in primary school him and his brother would usually have some sort of club every night of the week. He would either get in the car to southern-fried chicken and chips waiting for him or he’d have to run into the chicken shop before they got home. He always wanted to try pizza/go to Pizza Hut parties but was told he wouldn’t like it as he didn’t like cheese or tomatoes etc. Countless times I’ve heard his mum tell them both in restaurants that they won’t like something because they’ll be hidden garlic/onion/cream etc in it.

Both DH and his brother has some pretty bad health conditions as kids. Both of them had skin issues, DH sometimes had to get in the bath to peel his clothes off and his brother had the district nurse coming out to him regularly to change his dressings. DH was under a children’s hospital specialist for a few years as he had such bad migraines he’d be bed bound for days. Both MIL and FIL have had cancer, they eat a much wider range of food than the boys in childhood but apart from baking cakes or making curry from scratch I’m sure all of their food comes prepared/heat up only.

His mum is always moaning about their fussiness as kids, that she had to cook different meals every night as one would want ‘burgers and chips’ whilst the other one wanted chicken wings and chips. Apparently I’ve got all this to come once my DC can have an opinion on what they eat.. apparently DH ate normal food until he was 18 months old. DH literally ate no diary, eggs, vegetables, very limited fruit and only drank fizzy drinks (wouldn’t drink anything at school). Even on Xmas day him and his brother would be served up meat, chips, gravy and yorkshires. Again he cannot remember trying any other type of potato apart from crisps or chips until he was an adult…

Now my big issue is that she’s starting to try to put DD off her food. DD loves mushrooms which MIL will always make a huge deal how ‘yucky’ they are. DH ordered DD grilled chicken, mash and sweet corn and MIL was trying to insist that DD should be allowed chips (she was 18 months old) and making a big deal how the poor kid was getting excited over a corn on the cob…There’s also lots of comments how mean we were as we weren’t weaning DD on cake/ice cream/chocolate. She’s always telling DH how mean he is for limiting sweet treats…

MIL is a wonderful baker, PIL have never had any financial worries and invested a lot of time into the boys in all other areas of their lives. Neither DH or his brother are ND and both now eat loads of different foods. There’s still some deep rooted food issues but fortunately DH is adamant that our kids won’t grow up the same.

You need to make it clear to her that either she is only positive, never negative about food in front of your daughter or she doesn’t get to join you for meal times. And obviously she can never be left with her to babysit.

Trying to put myself in his shoes and I think I’d be struggling with the idea that I love my parents, and they are supposed to love me and want the best for me.
But feeding a child junk (nuggets for breakfast?!) and brainwashing them to have a narrow diet, possibly resulting in ill health - that’s actively malicious.
So he’s feeling all this love and protectiveness for his child and wondering why that wasn’t given to him.
It must be painful, and perhaps he would benefit from talking to a therapist with a specialism in diet.

No one is going to choose to cook chicken nuggets every day for breakfast unless that is all the child will eat. Had they been told to cut out eggs and milk due to the skin problems? It’s all very strange.

It really doesn't sound like that at all.

I would try to avoid food times with MiL, if not possible, I would pull her up every time. If she says some food is yucky or nasty, I would respond with 'why on earth would you say that, xxx is lovely and tasty'

What's wrong with saying "i love potatoes"? Surely enjoying food, is part of a healthy relationship with food.

Wow these are some serious issues. How sad! Please don’t let this woman dominate your child’s diet now. I’d have a serious word with her and say what your child eats is nothing to do with her. As you’d found out via your husband, this can seriously affect a child for the rest of their lives!

He can't change the past, but he can come down HARD on any talk at all of food unless positive around you both and especially your kids. Your MIL is showing her true ethos by seeing it as a negative that your toddler loves sweetcorn, it's obviously a great thing.

The fact she's still talking about eating habits of her boys is almost a wierd munchausen by proxy or something, not literally I'm just saying it has little similarities to that. The past csnt be undone but you and your DH will have to be very serious and act on any negative food talk and any poor eating modelling as they get older with regards their grandparents, its so east to tell a suggestible child they don't like something and they believe it.

I would tell MIL to stop commenting on your child’s food. It sounds like your DH’s diet was because of her issues.

I think people do tend to remember fussiness as a child though. I was very fussy and I certainly remember being forced to eat things I didn’t want to.

this situation sounds neglectful to me.

JFC I'm surprised your DH hasn't gone no contact.

I would have a very clear conversation with PIL that they are not to express an opinion (unless a positive one) on what DD is eating

I think I would step in if she tries to interfere with your bairns diet and tell her just because she didn't know how to feed her kids you will not allow her to pass that on to your child and to shut her yap.

Yes she'll be offended but something needs to be said.

My DC used to argue about how much veg they had: He's got more peas/carrots/broccoli than me, I'm not eating potatoes etc. I either dished up onto the plates what I thought or put it in dishes on the table. Any new veg had to be tasted, i.e. tiny bit on fork. Never had problems potatoes (not chips) were mashed with swede, turnip and carrots. This was a favourite! Meat/fish was just eaten and all veg was finished off.

If your dh was under a hosptial specialist for migraines and skin conditions it’s possible that an exclusion diet was recommended.

there are foods that trigger migraines - caffeine, dairy and so on.

i just mention it because him not having dairy is unusual. I know quite a few adults who don’t eat fruit or veg because they don’t like the taste/were brought up without it but no dairy is pretty unusual.

OP that diet sounds bloody dreadful but the having to peel off clothes sounds like severe childhood eczema to me. Could it be that food such as dairy/ cheese etc caused flares and therefore over time resulted in your Dh parents steered him onto what they consider to be safe foods. Could it also be possible that he may have displayed restricted rating himself? ARFID maybe? I have an AuDhD teen who has a very restricted diet, virtually no fruit or veg, often eats meat for breakfast!! But difference is we do have a wide range of health foods available for him and gentle encouragement for him to eat even small amounts of.

sounds like bad psoriasis. Its amazing how much treatment of this has come on in some 40+ years...also it was bedbound for days because of migraines and this still happens so some unfortunates

^

I can empathise with your DH as I have some resentment towards my DM over her terrible diet and the amount of junk food she kept in the house and let us eat. My dad made actual meals a few times a week that were decent (even if from a box with one veg on the side), but my mother prided herself on never cooking. Even today in her late 60s she will eat a whole bag of pepperoni slices and a processed chocolate cake as ‘dinner’ if my dad isn’t around. She also drinks soda like it’s water and it’s rotted her teeth. She has somehow managed to avoid becoming obese or having any health problems (yet) but I’m disgusted that she thought giving us Pop Tarts for breakfast and white bread sandwiches with crisps for lunch every day was normal. It was the 80s which explains some of it, but the fact she still eats that way really irritates me. I’ve had to teach myself about nutrition as an adult and have struggled with my weight over the years and put a lot of that down to my DM not being bothered to feed us properly.

Your mil wouldn’t be within a 5 mile radius of my children

I would be limiting contact and definitely no meal times with them.
We have done similar as the inlaws have strange food habits that my husband looks back on and sees how it affected him being overweight as a child Then a tricky relationship with food growing up. It's so crucial to develop a positive healthy relationship with food.

I was going to say similar - could it be things were kept bland and new foods were discouraged because they were worried about flaring health conditions?

I agree it's strange to cook chicken nuggets for breakfast rather than cereal. I had a weird diet as well as a kid. I was vegetarian, but didn't really get vegetables or fruit. So everything was just pasta and sauce or rice and beans, potatoes. I did get some canned vegetables here and there. There wasn't cereal or yogurts, any food in the house other than what we were getting for dinner that day. Im needing dental implants at a young age

Some people just aren’t great parents though, and some people have no clue about nutrition.

I watched a dad encourage his 5/6 year old daughter to choose a can of pop the other day in the supermarket. She wasn’t even bothered! That’s just a snapshot I know, but I did judge.

It sounds like some weird munchuasen type behaviour from your MIL, your poor DH, glad that he and his brother have both been able to move on from it with their current diet.

Whether or not there were health issues for the MIL's children leading to a restricted diet, her callign mushrooms 'yukky' and lots of comments how mean we were as we weren’t weaning DD on cake/ice cream/chocolate. She’s always telling DH how mean he is for limiting sweet treats indicates there are much deeper emotional problems around eating and actually some pretty unpleasant undermining of her son.

Food issues can last a lifetime. I'd be having words and if MiL won't listen, I'd be keeping visits short and avoiding food times.