DH upset about his childhood diet.

[Fussyeater321]

Name change for this as it could be outing…

Yesterday we got onto the conversation of DH’s childhood diet. He started it that during his whole childhood he wasn’t never not allowed something because he had already had enough sweet treats/it wasn’t healthy/needed to eat something healthy etc. DH got quite serious (obviously been on his mind for a while) and said I could never really understand how bad his diet was. I knew that his dad made him chicken nuggets for breakfast before school everyday (primary school!), that the first time he ever remembers trying any vegetable was with his ex and that his mum always told him that he wouldn’t like pizza/curry/pasta/any normal meal.

He said that in primary school him and his brother would usually have some sort of club every night of the week. He would either get in the car to southern-fried chicken and chips waiting for him or he’d have to run into the chicken shop before they got home. He always wanted to try pizza/go to Pizza Hut parties but was told he wouldn’t like it as he didn’t like cheese or tomatoes etc. Countless times I’ve heard his mum tell them both in restaurants that they won’t like something because they’ll be hidden garlic/onion/cream etc in it.

Both DH and his brother has some pretty bad health conditions as kids. Both of them had skin issues, DH sometimes had to get in the bath to peel his clothes off and his brother had the district nurse coming out to him regularly to change his dressings. DH was under a children’s hospital specialist for a few years as he had such bad migraines he’d be bed bound for days. Both MIL and FIL have had cancer, they eat a much wider range of food than the boys in childhood but apart from baking cakes or making curry from scratch I’m sure all of their food comes prepared/heat up only.

His mum is always moaning about their fussiness as kids, that she had to cook different meals every night as one would want ‘burgers and chips’ whilst the other one wanted chicken wings and chips. Apparently I’ve got all this to come once my DC can have an opinion on what they eat.. apparently DH ate normal food until he was 18 months old. DH literally ate no diary, eggs, vegetables, very limited fruit and only drank fizzy drinks (wouldn’t drink anything at school). Even on Xmas day him and his brother would be served up meat, chips, gravy and yorkshires. Again he cannot remember trying any other type of potato apart from crisps or chips until he was an adult…

Now my big issue is that she’s starting to try to put DD off her food. DD loves mushrooms which MIL will always make a huge deal how ‘yucky’ they are. DH ordered DD grilled chicken, mash and sweet corn and MIL was trying to insist that DD should be allowed chips (she was 18 months old) and making a big deal how the poor kid was getting excited over a corn on the cob…There’s also lots of comments how mean we were as we weren’t weaning DD on cake/ice cream/chocolate. She’s always telling DH how mean he is for limiting sweet treats…

MIL is a wonderful baker, PIL have never had any financial worries and invested a lot of time into the boys in all other areas of their lives. Neither DH or his brother are ND and both now eat loads of different foods. There’s still some deep rooted food issues but fortunately DH is adamant that our kids won’t grow up the same.

I would do my very best to avoid eating with them, if I had to eat with them it would be at my house where I had control.

I wouldn’t let them have unsupervised care of her either.

As your child gets older it won’t be such as problem as you can explain “granny and grandad have funny ideas about food - that’s their choice as grown ups, but growing boys and girls need healthy food.”.

Children are really good at understanding about different rules in different places.

Whether he was a fussy kid or his parents were weirdly abusive, you can protect the next generation from the current and immediate threat of the GPs causing more issues with eating.

I wouldn't be around them for food.

Or if I had to, I'd make a bloody point of serving up veggie curries, veggie pies or veggie just about anything and serving with multitudes of veggie side dishes and garlic breads at every single meal they were present for.

Eating disorders run through my family including myself and my mother. Addressing her behaviour with my own child has been empowering for me. Ive told her not to scold my child for leaving food. Another family member said I love potato's I told them not to use emotive language about food. We don't demonise food groups.

I would definitely be seeing your PIL less, particularly at meal times.

But if that doesn't feel like an option, then you should feel free to take a no holds barred approach such as:

"Oh MIL, that's such a silly old fashioned view. We want our DC to be well rounded, healthy eaters who enjoy all kinds of food"

"Don't listen to Nanna DC. She's got very silly ideas about food and thinks that only chips are delicious"

"MIL - you might think you are being helpful but you're not. Both of your children suffered with illnesses related to poor nutrition as children and I have absolutely no intention of subjecting my children to the same thing."

"MIL, if you don't stop interfering in the healthy food that the DC eat, I'm going to have to insist that we only see you outside of meal times. This i simportant ot me and DH and we're not going to have our efforts undermined."

Or, of course, even better, your DH says these things

Incidentally, a lot of people have very disordered thinking about food.SIL for example equates "healthy" with low calorie and low fat. She has zero understanding of the concept of balanced eating, healthy fats etc. It is very disturbing and being around her when discussing food is very tricky. She is, sadly, not unusual based on what I see on MN.

My parents were similar and used to occasionally pipe up about me being ‘mean’ for not allowing some foods as more than a very occasional treat/never. I just openly say it’s not mean it’s because I know what it leads to in terms of health problems/pain that I experienced. I’d tell MIL to strictly stop all discouragement about healthy foods and that if she can’t she won’t be invited for any meal times. Your DH clearly feels strongly about it so encourage him to go have a conversation with his parents about it.

Another family member said I love potato's I told them not to use emotive language about food.

But that's weird. We do all have preferences and feelings around food. It's daft to deny that. We just have to provide children with a healthy variety and encourage them to try things.

I had a similar experience, not take aways but I wonder what my parents were thinking as they were intelligent, well educated and high earners. They just never said no to us regarding food and kids aren’t very good at self regulating! Used to eat loads of crisps, biscuits, sugary cereals, fizzy drinks, squash every day. Loads of meat, white bread etc and I hardly ever saw a vegetable and if I did it was boiled to within an inch of its life! It also wasn’t the time or place that I grew up in, there were health food shops locally and a remember experiencing normal food at my friend’s houses.

Needless to say I am different with my own kids. Sometimes I worry that I’m a bit too controlling but think in general I get the balance better, they are allowed crisps/biscuits/chocolate etc just with limits and I make sure most of our food is healthy with plenty of fresh veg.

Wow this is horrendous, your in laws are disgusting creatures.

I would avoid visiting your mil at meal times. My mum was weird about food. She would only serve things like salmon salad or chicken stir fry. She had to cook a sunday roast every single week even when it was too hot to have one. She was horrified if a bbq on a Sunday. I can remember going on a sleepover and i had pizza for the first time. She was convinced that i would put on loads of weight. She didn't understand that pizza is okay as an occasional treat.

Yes we have our own preferences. My relative was demonising potato's the same way the ops mother in law demonises veg.

I completely understand your DH's point of view. My gran actually brought me up, she clearly couldn't cope (not criticising her - she was lovely), but I recognise now I was too much for her. She used to always have sweets, chocolates and cake available - I was very overweight as a client and have struggled to eat a balance diet my entire life with not great consequences. However, I do remind myself that now I am an adult my choices are my own so I do try to eat more healthily.

However, re your DD can you reduce how many meals you eat with PILs so it's not so much a problem? Or if not could DD speak to his mum not to talk about her feeding habits when he was a child but something like "We want to bring DD up to eat more healthily so please stop implying that chips are treats or better than corn on the cob" or whatever. I think if she doesn't take the hint maybe he should say that he feels he has suffered by not eating healthily and point out what you are both trying to do with DD. But be careful - could have big fall out consequences.

They sound neglectful, and this is from someone who has two fussy eaters. I can’t put together your op- she’s a good baker and they never wanted for anything but then fed them that?!

Wow that sounds quite extreme

I have some anger about my childhood diet (plain, lots of junk, processed) but this is next level

I wouldn't have them around when you are feeding your children. And if they are and started this business of healthy food being yucky I would shut it down very very firmly. "Margo please stop that kind of talk. You reared your children. We are rearing ours and healthy food is part of our plan. If you want to talk about healthy food being yucky to my child I'd rather you left"

I wonder if your mil has some kind of eating disorder? It sounds really neglectful but as you say other aspects of life weren't neglectful

I was raised on processed shit too, my mum would swear we had a ‘home cooked meal’ every night but it was food from a freezer packet or a tin that went into the oven or the microwave. The one saving grace was frozen veg with everything!
The only scratch meal was a roast every Sunday that my mum used to slave over for hours and was so heavily salted that it was difficult to eat.
Basically she cannot cook and is ashamed of it so glosses over how bad our diets were and hers still is…

I agree with you about not demonising food, eg “everyone hates broccoli”, “cauliflower is awful”, but what’s wrong with saying you love something? It’s fine to have preferences. I’d say I like green apples but love red apples, and I don’t personally like paw paw. I don’t think that’s going to set my kids up for an eating disorder?!

Now my big issue is that she’s starting to try to put DD off her food. DD loves mushrooms which MIL will always make a huge deal how ‘yucky’ they are

My niece's mother gave two of her children an eating disorder with exactly this sort of behaviour.

He always wanted to try pizza/go to Pizza Hut parties but was told he wouldn’t like it as he didn’t like cheese or tomatoes etc. Countless times I’ve heard his mum tell them both in restaurants that they won’t like something because they’ll be hidden garlic/onion/cream etc in it

That's really fucking weird. It almost sounds like a sort of Munchausen's-by-proxy, but with food. She sounds mad, especially if she's still telling her ADULT sons that they won't like certain meals.

This is really odd OP.

I can semi-understand the lack of variety and chicken and chips in the car on the way home from clubs if I was to think that maybe the parents were busy and the kids were fussy etc...but to actively discourage your DH from even trying different foods? That's very odd and seems weirdly controlling.

I can relate to your annoyance at the comments about foods your dd is eating being 'yucky'...my MIL has an incredibly restrictive diet and she will sometimes make comments around my 3yo (not at her though, notably) and I wish that she wouldn't.

Sounds like MIL did her best with two very poorly children.

The fantastic thing is that one or two wacky people with their food issues won’t put your dd off eating lovely food. Just model the behaviour you want to see in her, celebrate eating lots of different things and repeatedly and loudly shut down anything inappropriate that they say or do. I’d go as far as to avoid them entirely during meal times. Meet for a walk or at the playground or for a coffee.

My parents were weird about food. Both very obsessed with calorie counting. I ate a lot of boiled chicken and veal cooked to within an inch of its life and tinned veg when we had meals at home. Oddly, because they both had bad relationships with food this translated to letting me eat anything. It was like a weird transference, where they could live vicariously through me while restricting what they ate. I had like 2 years of primary school when breakfast was ice cream served in bed every morning. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The great thing was though that I had a granny who was a fantastic adventurous cook. She taught me to cook. She made me all sorts of exciting things. She made me love food and cooking. I have a very healthy relationship with food now. There isn’t anything I don’t like. I am a great cook. My kids eat all sorts. I don’t have weird hang ups, never been on a diet in my life, my body size is healthy enough and athletic.

So much great stuff around food and cooking can be modelled, even if there is one person (or two) with issues. It’s not going to override the good you are doing in your own family.

My point was made badly. Its important to call out family members. Its unacceptable to project your disordered eating on others especially children. As parents its our job to break unhealthy cycles we grew up with including behaviours around food

It's to your husband's credit that he recognises his mother's behaviour as unacceptable.

There's a whole list of things I never ate because my parents didn't like them, but I eat more or less anything now.

I can completely understand why he was so upset and why you are concerned about your MIL influence. My lovely brothers children are all very picky around food, and my SIL is the same as your MIL- ‘he won’t like that’ ‘he only eats X’ ‘Brussels sprouts are evil’ etc.
I have a bit of a rule that around the dinner table adults don’t talk about their food dislikes. I’ve grown my own vegetables so my children can have the pleasure of planting, growing and eating their own food. They’re still in primary school and will eat everything including Brussels sprouts - they actually enjoy vegetables.

apart from baking cakes or making curry from scratch I’m sure all of their food comes prepared/heat up only

This is a very surprising skillset in people who've been described as non-cooks and almost afraid of food variety. I may be way off course, but are they first or second generation immigrants? There used to be an horrendous stigma against 'foreign food', all part of the general racism. Kids would be bullied for stinking of curry, whether they did or not. Therefore some parents went overboard on feeding their children what they perceived as a normal English diet.

I realise this hasn't been the case for a long time now - and I also realise how deeply things like that can affect a person.

Anyway, I'm not really sharing the angst here. One of my Grans had issues stemming from an extremely deprived childhood; she used to cram us full of sweets, cakes and all sorts. She ridiculed my parents for their commitment to healthy eating (they were ahead of their time on this). We were very clear on what was 'healthy' - our food at home - and what wasn't - Gran's food and sweets. We just took advantage of visits to the grandparents 😄