Family holiday without DS1?

[Needingadvice05]

Sorry in advance if this is confusing, I'm not sure if I'm overthinking...but I would really appreciate others perspective on this..

I'm in a blended family - DS1 with my ex and DS2 with current partner. This year it's my ex's turn to be with DS1 this Christmas. We've been invited to go on a family holiday during the Christmas period but it means leaving DS1 at home - the holiday is at my parents family home in a beautiful hot climate - DS1 usually joins us on these family holidays there but this Christmas he is with his dad and we would also have to leave before term finishes which means he would have to go to breakfast clubs and aftershool clubs (which he hates) and he would know that his mum, step dad, brother, and grandparents have all gone on this family holiday without him.

I feel like he would feel really sad and excluded but my partner thinks he won't care ...but he's a sensitive child and recently didn't have a great parents evening review - they said he'd been having low mood at school and playing on his own in the playground and also recently had a panic attack.

I just don't feel comfortable leaving him behind but then feel guilty as my partner wants to go and sais it's also not fair on DS1 to miss out on this holiday away ..

I'd be really grateful to hear your thoughts...

Thankyou in advance 🙏

Of course he'll care. He'll feel very abandoned and unloved.

I'd put the child's feelings before your partners wishes, especially because it sounds like your child is already struggling. Can you go different dates, when your child is with you but still have a holiday, all of you together?

How old is he? Im guessing primary aged if he’s going to breakfast club.

I think you should absolutely include him. Ask him if he wants to go on the holiday.

Your current partner shouldn’t really have a say in it all tbh.

How old is he?

Agree this is entirely your call. Your son. Visit is to your parents. Personally unless your ex would be flexible so you could take DS, I'd not go.

You can't leave your son behind.

Your husband is a selfish bastard. You don’t feel comfortable with this for a reason - because it would be treating your son like shit. There will be another opportunity for you to go to your own parents home without one of your children being excluded.

Ah no OP, you can't do this!
There's a reason why your son is struggling, you need to investigate this instead of leaving him and going on holiday without him.
The best solution would be to ask your ex would he swap Xmas with you, your son would benefit from a holiday.

I’m in a similar situation with 2 DC, different dads. I’d feel exactly the same as you and would never do this to ds1. I don’t think my parents would even want me to.

It’s your family so your choice imo. Is there any option to join once ds1 is back with you?

Can't you go for less time, leaving after he has gone to ex's for Christmas and coming back before he is due to return to you?

I could not leave him, can't you ask his Dad if he can go. Also did your husband and his family plan this knowing he will be with his Dad.
I think your son will resent you to be honest.
Your husband is deflecting saying your son won't care, what he means is he won't care.

Can you talk to you ex? Obviously he doesn’t have to accommodate but he might.

I am surprised at your husband and your parents tbh, for your son to miss a holiday with your side of the family seems incredibly mean, it would be different if it was your husbands side although I'd still feel pretty bad about it tbh. Can you reschedule for next year when your son is with you? Or go at half term in the new year instead?

It's OP's parents, it says so in the OP. And it's a trip to their holiday home, so they probably go quite often.

Could you go next year?
Will you have DS1 next year?
Is everyone else who would go likely to be alive and in good enough health to enjoy having you next year?
Would you go next year as well or not for a few years?

I mean ideally you wouldn't go without DS1, but you can't just stop DS1 seeing their dad because you want a holiday, and it doesn't seem fair on any of the rest of you, not to go just because DS1 has to see his dad. If it's like a once in a lifetime trip then it seems unfair to do it without DS1, but equally the rest of you deserve the trip.

Sorry I misread it, was the OP parents. I stand by what I said about the husband though. He really does not care.

I’d speak to ex see if there’s any room for negotiation. If not I’d only go if I could be away the length of time DS is away at dads. Or take DS annd come back for Xmas. Otherwise no.

How old is he, could he fly back on his own ready for Christmas with his Dad?

Why on earth is your husband even remotely having an opinion on this? Your son is clearly struggling and you’re actually fathoming to leave him behind? You’ve married someone else had another kid moved in with or moved in a new man into this boys life. Said man is now emotionally blackmailing you to play happy families with him and your joint child for a holiday at the expense of your son’s mental well being.

When did the low moods start for your child ? Did it coincide with the arrival of your husband ? How about the new baby? What are the dynamics with it all?

whatever if you do you must prioritise your children. You go on holiday with your children or you don’t go at all. It’s as simple as that. You move the dates to suit your child’s school schedule because that’s what a parent does. If you can’t do it then you don’t go.

Thankyou all for you replies.

DS1 is 7 and DS2 is 2

I completely agree with you all and thankyou for your suggestions .. my son has much more time with me than his dad and has been missing him a lot so I feel like him spending the Christmas with his dad is important...but I could speak to both of them to see how they feel if he came away with us instead..

I do feel pressure from my partner as he sais it's not fair to DS1 as he will be missing out on a holiday and if I refuse to go on holidays without DS1 then he will 'just have to take DS2 on holidays without me'

Despite him pressurising me, by reading your posts I'm reassured I'm making the right decision by saying no to going away without him.

Thankyou all so much for your feedback, I'm really grateful 🙏

Then take him with you. Does your ex have 50:50?

Agree with the consensus- if you can get your ex and ds to rearrange so he spends the same amount of time with his dad outside the holiday period then great. If not, you just can’t go. Your smaller son is two and will be oblivious and tbh, your husband is being an insensitive nob.

But he wants Christmas with his dad. Even OP thinks he’d benefit from it.

It would be completely unfair to him and his dad to dangle a swanky holiday abroad to try and change the normal Christmas contact schedule to suit OP’s new family dynamic.

Your DH sounds awful. Of course you can’t do this.

There will be other holidays where you can all go.

Sounds like there’s a fair chance you’ll end up a single parent again with a partner like that so do what suits your children best. 2 year old obviously doesn’t understand or care about a holiday in a warm climate. But going on holidays with your new family and without your older son would be shitty, so you are correct OP, and if your partner doesn’t understand that then that’s his problem