Family holiday without DS1?

[Needingadvice05]

Sorry in advance if this is confusing, I'm not sure if I'm overthinking...but I would really appreciate others perspective on this..

I'm in a blended family - DS1 with my ex and DS2 with current partner. This year it's my ex's turn to be with DS1 this Christmas. We've been invited to go on a family holiday during the Christmas period but it means leaving DS1 at home - the holiday is at my parents family home in a beautiful hot climate - DS1 usually joins us on these family holidays there but this Christmas he is with his dad and we would also have to leave before term finishes which means he would have to go to breakfast clubs and aftershool clubs (which he hates) and he would know that his mum, step dad, brother, and grandparents have all gone on this family holiday without him.

I feel like he would feel really sad and excluded but my partner thinks he won't care ...but he's a sensitive child and recently didn't have a great parents evening review - they said he'd been having low mood at school and playing on his own in the playground and also recently had a panic attack.

I just don't feel comfortable leaving him behind but then feel guilty as my partner wants to go and sais it's also not fair on DS1 to miss out on this holiday away ..

I'd be really grateful to hear your thoughts...

Thankyou in advance 🙏

It's a tricky situation, but I can kind see why your partner is taking this stance - you are in effect making his family life be affected by your ex. Your son will be having a great time with his father, you can't put life on hold every time your son is with his other parent that is no way for any of you to live. If your DS1 one day gets invited on a great family holiday with his paternal family will you not let him go as DS2 wont be going?

I would say a 7 year old is old enough for you to explain the holiday situation to, yes he will probably feel a bit sad about it, but unfortunately this is the kind of situation kids just have to get used to when their parents make a decision to be in a blended family situation. Not great for anyone but it is what it is.

Your son's low mood at school however is something you should take seriously, but that has nothing to do with this holiday.

It’s a holiday with DS1’s grandparents and his mother. Husband is clearly trying to push DS1 out of the equation.

Really?? Husband doesn’t have that much power.
He’s not in control of the custody arrangements and he hasn’t singularly decided the best dates for the entire extended family to go on holiday.
This is a shitty situation, but that is the reality of shared custody/households.

Life doesn’t stop in one household because one child is at their other parents house. Yes, son may miss this holiday but he will have a fantastic time with his father and his father’s family. Odds are that in time he will have a great holiday with his father that is separate to his other family.

It makes zero sense for husband and child two to have to stay home and miss a holiday because child 1 can’t go and won’t even be in their custody at the time. It is completely understandable to be sad (sadness is a reasonable and temporary emotion), but it doesn’t mean you have to overreact to that feeling.

Hold on … am I reading it right, if it’s your parents, why would your dh go away on holidays?

eta imo totally right decision to not go away on away op

I couldn’t and wouldn’t do it.

Your partner is an arsehole!!! Fancy thinking it’s ok to leave a child out of a holiday and at Christmas too!!!

That’s a massive leap…dh may care very very much about HIS time with DS.
maybe he knows if he backs down this will happen every Xmas going forward and he’ll never have his son at Xmas ever again…
the op is one that is creating the conflict here…her parents should know that dgc is with df this year, but they’ve gone ahead and asked family . Instrad of discussing with dd alone first, realising the issue, because dd has clearly stated “no we can’t do that…DS is at df this year and we won’t take holidays without him as it’s not fair on DS”

it is NOT the fathers issue here. He’s said clearly no.

now if op was saying it’s once in lifetime holiday, an emergency etc then that’s a one off and yep, some flexibility might have been helpful. But this is her parents holiday home, a regular holiday.

You have got yourself into a domestically abusive relationship without realising it! Please read up on the women’s aid sites about what constitutes domestic abuse. The language your partner is using and the control he’s trying to exhibit over you are MAJOR red flags!!!! Take your children on holiday to your parents home WITHOUT the “d”p

Your child’s moods and behavior are clearly about what is going on at home

I wouldn’t be going on holiday without DS1 in this situation.

I might (and only might) consider it if it was with your DP’s parents, so not DS1’s actual grandparents, and DS1 was happy to spend the time with his dad and his dad’s family - then both children are spending Christmas with their fathers’ families so it seems “fair” to me.

But not when the extended family are on OP’s side. At that age she needs to take both her children or not go.

And I agree with others about there being some red flags with the current DP.

If it's your family holiday home can you go after Xmas Day or around NYE break from school ? Your parents knew DS1 would still be in school and ge is their grandson Let them go ahead without your family . Your DH is being sulky, how unattractive.