Family holiday without DS1?

[Needingadvice05]

Sorry in advance if this is confusing, I'm not sure if I'm overthinking...but I would really appreciate others perspective on this..

I'm in a blended family - DS1 with my ex and DS2 with current partner. This year it's my ex's turn to be with DS1 this Christmas. We've been invited to go on a family holiday during the Christmas period but it means leaving DS1 at home - the holiday is at my parents family home in a beautiful hot climate - DS1 usually joins us on these family holidays there but this Christmas he is with his dad and we would also have to leave before term finishes which means he would have to go to breakfast clubs and aftershool clubs (which he hates) and he would know that his mum, step dad, brother, and grandparents have all gone on this family holiday without him.

I feel like he would feel really sad and excluded but my partner thinks he won't care ...but he's a sensitive child and recently didn't have a great parents evening review - they said he'd been having low mood at school and playing on his own in the playground and also recently had a panic attack.

I just don't feel comfortable leaving him behind but then feel guilty as my partner wants to go and sais it's also not fair on DS1 to miss out on this holiday away ..

I'd be really grateful to hear your thoughts...

Thankyou in advance 🙏

If it were me, I wouldn't go. Your son is only 7 and it sounds like he is struggling at the moment.

Your child should always come before your new partner

Your partner goes with his son, you stay behind in case your son with ex has issues.

You are sending your new partner the message that your older son is your priority. Do you not think your ex is able to deal with him sensitively during holidays apart? You have to have been apart for a few years now. Has this come up before? Is it more of an issue since you've had another baby?

What exactly are you afraid will happen if your son spends his holiday with his dad and you go away? Why can't you discuss this very frankly with ex? Is ex a poor parent? That's the implication here, that you're afraid to leave him for the holiday with his dad.

I think you're starting to see some cracks in your blended family. Do you think your oldest could benefit from counseling? He's had a lot of change over the past few years, it sounds like.

If he was older I think this would be different but he’s 7! That’s so young - he absolutely won’t understand why you’re leaving him even with the thought of Christmas with his dad as to him that’s one day but you’ll be gone a lot longer.

Although both kids needs are important your younger one won’t know if you go away for Christmas or 12 weeks after whereas your older son will so that’s who you need to prioritise.

Your partner is a prick of the highest order. No wonder your son is struggling with him in his life. Follow your instincts op and protect your son.

I think seven is a bit young to ‘get’ family dynamics. Even putting to one side his recent issues he will be jealous I imagine (regardless of having fun with dad) . I did similar with an older child and he cheerfully reminds me of the holiday he missed regularly (if somewhat tongue in cheek)

I think you know the answer in light of what’s happening now. It’s change of routine to start off with and I would be getting to the bottom of his recent behaviours.

His dad is likely to be ‘ it’s no problem’ as he probably feels it reflects on him. Which of course it doesn’t. Ego’s and that!?

No way would I go without a 7 year old. He will never forget Xmas 2025 for the wrong reasons.

I'm glad you are so sensitive to your son's wellbeing

I wouldn’t leave him, and surely the grandparents would love to have him.

Go on Boxing Day after he has had Christmas Day with his Dad? Ask your parents if you can go next year instead?

Well your DH sounds like an absolute prince. Of course a 7 year old who is already struggling will care that his mum has gone on holiday with his sibling and he’s left behind.

No way on earth would I go away and leave a 7 year old behind - let husband of the year take his own child and you stay home and put your DS first

Thankyou eveyone.

I've said to my partner I don't feel comfortable going away on any holidays without DS1 (I told my partner this from day 1). I guess this makes sense unless DS1 is away on holiday somewhere with his dad?

A 2 year old doesn't care about holidays in any meaningful way - sure he might enjoy playing in a pool or fuss from grandparents, but skipping a holiday isn't unfair to a two year old - he won't have any concept he's missing something if none of you go.

So your DC2's dad is being completely disingenuous and using a toddler as a tool to manipulate you into not doing right by your seven year old.

It sounds as though your seven year old is quite down and struggling so it really isn't the time to put DS2's dad's wants first.

I thought when I opened the thread that DS1 would be a teenager who was asking to stay home because he didn't want to go on a family holiday with younger siblings, but seven is so very young, and him not going isn't his choice.

Missing the holiday in the sun might be disappointing for the adults but given DS1 is struggling and only seven, and ds2 won't have any idea, I don't think you can go unless you can work out a way for DS1 to go too but still see his dad (who you say he misses atm).

You’ve done the right thing. If he goes on holiday with his dad that’s a different thing entirely so don’t feel DH will bring this up.

it is sad for DS2 to miss out but it’s not missing out in the same way as he is 2 years old and he won’t be bored at home while his whole family have a holiday.

your DH is only invited because of you. His response should be considered if it was his family inviting you all. Perhaps then he and DS2 could go alone but morally, I don’t feel they should.

id speak to your ex and DS1 and see if you can get him to come with you.

This is so true, a 2 year old won't even remember the trip. Your husband is being very unreasonable.

Tell your partner the invitation has been withdrawn. For him. Selfish twat.

DH is being an ass. You don’t go away on a lovely family holiday, leaving behind a struggling 7 year old
at Christmas even if he’s with his dad. That isn’t going to make it easier for DS1. A two year old isn’t going to have any clue and certainly isn’t going to miss a holiday. At 2 he’ll be having time of his life with new toys and Christmas themed fun. It clearly isn’t about DS2, but about DH wanting to go on holiday.

Big fat no from me too @Needingadvice05 your son will be missing out and he will feel like he is missing out. Your DH lacks empathy that is going to be an ongoing problem for you with respect to your son. If people on the internet get that your son will have negative emotions about this I seriously cannot understand why your DH would not get it.

Thankyou @AnotherDayAnotherStart and thanks to everyone who’s replied. Your perspectives have really helped reassure me that I’m not being unreasonable about this when I speak to my partner. X

You have done the right thing in my opinion. Your partner is using your son as a excuse for a holiday in the sun.
I would keep an eye on your husband , is he the reason your son has low mood, and is keeping himself to himself? His attitude was shocking saying your son won't mind.

Sorry partner not husband.

This was my suspicion too that new husband is reason why DS1 is struggling.

If you want to understand your husband's point of view go to the step parent board. It's littered with threads of step moms wanting to exclude step children from holidays. Quite a lot of the comments are supportive and think it's completely reasonable to want to do that.

DS1 spending this Christmas with his dad is important for their relationship. However it may seem a poor second to a family holiday with grandparents in a sunny country. Really the answer needs to be to thank your parents for the offer but that as DS1 is with his dad this year, could you all plan to do that next Christmas when both DC can join.

Your DH is really showing that he doesn't get family dynamics in a blended family and the importance of centring the children. He wants to go on this holiday and he doesn't see why his DC should miss out. Has he given a minute's though to your DS1?

Your husband's reaction is quite shocking. A 2 years old is not going to care much about a holiday abroad during Xmas.

Also it's YOUR parents, not his. It sounds like he cares more about a free holiday in the sun than your eldest's feeling. Worrying....

You can’t leave him behind, it’s just too cruel, especially as it’s with your family- his own grandparents (as opposed to your DH’s family).