Page 4 | Concerned about child's father parenting

fooddiee · 2025-10-26T11:41:13+00:00

So when my child's father has DC he will give DC unsuitable drinks from bottles which are full of sugar and sweeteners. I'm talking about Innocent Smoothies, milkshakes etc. Food wise he will give DC crisps and other rubbish. I provide DC with healthy and nutritious meals which he loves. DC eats a minimum of 5 fruit/veg a day and I follow the basic guidelines for his meals. I am concerned that the junk he eats/ drinks with his father will start to affect what he eats and drinks when he is with me. My ex can't cook as it's a "woman's job and women should cook for him". I have told him that unless he can stop this and learn how to cook DC will not be having over nights with him and I will happily tell the court the reasons why. AIBU to feel this way or am I being too strict?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/10/2025 22:55

fooddiee · 26/10/2025 20:37

My ex will often to come into my own house and tell me what to feed our DC, and he also tells me to what to offer him to drink.
He tries to boss me around in my own home.

He comes to collect DC and will take him to the park, arcadian etc and won't offer him a proper meal.

DC has never been to his flat, the visiting is mostly done in my home and also when he takes him out as he can't be bothered to childproof his flat.

My ex also works in a physically demanding job and will often fall asleep so there is a concern there as in the past he has left his oven on and fell asleep.

@MJMa this is where she says ex never gives child a meal

MJMa · 26/10/2025 22:56

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/10/2025 22:55

@MJMa this is where she says ex never gives child a meal

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Doesn’t say no meal. It says a proper meal, and that’s subjective really. People will have different opinions on what a “proper” meal is.

FuzzyWolf · 26/10/2025 22:56

My ex literally has no clue as he can barely even look after himself let alone a child.

Yet by your own admittance he is capable of obtaining and holding down a physically demanding job. I think your perception and the truth wildly differ.

Just what made you think he was going to be a good partner to have a child with?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/10/2025 22:58

thegoat2 · 26/10/2025 22:54

But it’s in the context of her saying his efforts are not good enough, rather than being kind or helpful.

It’s basically saying he is not meeting her standard of parenting which is fairly likely to rub him up the wrong way I’d imagine. If she wants to maintain a healthy and respectful coparenting relationship I don’t think this is going to help.

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I think she’s considering it as she wants her son to have a healthy diet not because she wants to undermine him. If he was trying his best to cook and then she did this I’d say it was harsh, but he’s just giving the child crisps and sweet drinks. OFFERING to Sending him out with a snack box water bottle and carrot sticks and baby bel (or whatever home made kale muffin type food op will put me to shame by making!) is a good idea- ex might tell her to F off, but I know lazy men and they don’t tend to turn down free labour from women

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/10/2025 23:00

ps also op ‘ex can see op anytime’ - no, you all need a clearer schedule it’s not appropriate for you to have a revolving door at home. What happens if you get a new partner - this would be so awkward

thegoat2 · 26/10/2025 23:04

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/10/2025 22:58

I think she’s considering it as she wants her son to have a healthy diet not because she wants to undermine him. If he was trying his best to cook and then she did this I’d say it was harsh, but he’s just giving the child crisps and sweet drinks. OFFERING to Sending him out with a snack box water bottle and carrot sticks and baby bel (or whatever home made kale muffin type food op will put me to shame by making!) is a good idea- ex might tell her to F off, but I know lazy men and they don’t tend to turn down free labour from women

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If he’s accepting of it that’s fine. But I don’t know many people who wouldn’t take it as a personal dig to be honest.

If he is seeing the child so little then I don’t think it’s going to have a detrimental effect on his wellbeing although of course the father should want to strive to do better.

I think as time goes on, if he starts seeing his child more op is going to have to accept that she cannot control what goes on during that time. It’s a bitter pill to swallow especially when things happen like new girlfriends or whatever but it’s a fact of coparenting. I remember feeling aghast that my ex didn’t have to tell me exactly where he was taking our toddler. I thought I had a right to know exactly where my child was at all times. Of course, I didn’t. Not when he was on the the time of his other parent.

Original poster

fooddiee · 26/10/2025 23:59

There is no set schedule as he refuses to commit to one unfortunately.
There is never a set day or time, it is whenever he feels like it.

In reply to PP question, the food that is offered when they are out is either Quavers, Nachos, or biscuits.
My ex dosent cook and lives of takeaways.

Ex has never taken him to his flat as it's not childproofed (his choice).

I have attempted to establish a more structured routine in relation to the visits but he dosent seem to want to commit to days/ specific times.

OP posts:

Ladyzfactor · 27/10/2025 05:15

Katypp · 26/10/2025 18:34

I think you need to unclench a bit tbh. Your child is only 22 months old - really, really don't fall for the rhetoric that because he is happy to eat everything you put in front of him now he will always be like this, or that only offering healthy foods will ensure he prefers them for ever, or by restricting what he eats to only healthy foods, he won't know about unhealthy options. It's all rubbish I'm afraid, said by someone who had had three children, all fed the same and who have vastly different attitudes to diet as late teens-30s.
I fear this current obsession with 'healthy' food and the seeming inability to use nuance or common sense (ref the pp who said this was child abuse) is leading these parents into a false sense of security about their superior parenting which will unravel pretty quickly once the children are beyond primary age.
OP, you might be convinced you are right, but this really REALLY isn't anything approaching a reason to withhold contact. Please don't do it.

I can't agree more. Me and all of my siblings are a healthy weight well into middle aged. I believe that was because we had restrained but not completely restricted view on unhealthy foods. As adults I allow myself the occasional treat but don't binge on them and none of us have a sweet tooth. Honestly I think both of the parents diets aren't great but on different sides of the coin.

Tourmalines · 27/10/2025 05:29

Katypp · 26/10/2025 18:34

I think you need to unclench a bit tbh. Your child is only 22 months old - really, really don't fall for the rhetoric that because he is happy to eat everything you put in front of him now he will always be like this, or that only offering healthy foods will ensure he prefers them for ever, or by restricting what he eats to only healthy foods, he won't know about unhealthy options. It's all rubbish I'm afraid, said by someone who had had three children, all fed the same and who have vastly different attitudes to diet as late teens-30s.
I fear this current obsession with 'healthy' food and the seeming inability to use nuance or common sense (ref the pp who said this was child abuse) is leading these parents into a false sense of security about their superior parenting which will unravel pretty quickly once the children are beyond primary age.
OP, you might be convinced you are right, but this really REALLY isn't anything approaching a reason to withhold contact. Please don't do it.

Best post .

jannier · 27/10/2025 08:03

fooddiee · 26/10/2025 22:22

No I have never used DC as a weapon, my ex can see DC anytime.

I just hate his abusive attitude towards me and how he speaks to me and tries telling me what to do with DC when he only see'a DC for a few hours a week (his choice due to work).

He comes into my house and acts as if he still
resides here, not many people in my situation would accommodate that after all the verbal and emotional abuse he has inflicted on me.

I have looked on the infant and toddler forum and it recommends crisps are not given to toddlers under 2 years of age and even then the recommendation is not a whole bag as he often gives DC.
I am concerned about the salt intake.

My ex literally has no clue as he can barely even look after himself let alone a child.

Its bizarre he tells me what to do considering I do everything for DC with no help.

Even when he is looking after DC so I can have a few hours to myself/ do housework I have to help him as he isn't capable, he dosent stop calling me asking me "what to do" during the few hours he has DC.

Don't let him in, bring your child to the door.

thisishowloween · 27/10/2025 08:26

OP - you picked him. You talk about how he’s never been able to feed himself and lived off ready meals and junk - but then decided to have a baby with him.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/10/2025 09:47

thisishowloween · 27/10/2025 08:26

OP - you picked him. You talk about how he’s never been able to feed himself and lived off ready meals and junk - but then decided to have a baby with him.

Such a tired trope. Presumably she was impregnated under the impression they’d be doing this as a team under one household, plenty of couples have a chef and a useless cook and divide jobs a accordingly, one cooks, one washes up etc. she didn’t see this coming.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/10/2025 09:49

fooddiee · 26/10/2025 23:59

There is no set schedule as he refuses to commit to one unfortunately.
There is never a set day or time, it is whenever he feels like it.

In reply to PP question, the food that is offered when they are out is either Quavers, Nachos, or biscuits.
My ex dosent cook and lives of takeaways.

Ex has never taken him to his flat as it's not childproofed (his choice).

I have attempted to establish a more structured routine in relation to the visits but he dosent seem to want to commit to days/ specific times.

Op the only way to make him stick to a schedule is to give him one - if on average he sees baby for ten hours a month across four visits, for example, email him and say baby needs structure so we can make plans. I am going to make baby available at 5 of these 10 times, please email me back and confirm which dates you’d like. Do that for the next two months. If he gives you reasonable notice to change a time then fine if this works, if not then he doesn’t get to see baby. You need to be firm.

NO revolving door in and out of your home as he pleases. Both you and baby deserve structure.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/10/2025 09:50

And if he complains about the structure you suggest then you say you’re happy to negotiate it by email or by mediation.

Andthatrightsoon · 27/10/2025 09:59

Are you Gwyneth Paltrow? Unclench a bit or you'll find them choosing to spend time with him over you.

FuzzyWolf · 27/10/2025 10:05

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/10/2025 09:47

Such a tired trope. Presumably she was impregnated under the impression they’d be doing this as a team under one household, plenty of couples have a chef and a useless cook and divide jobs a accordingly, one cooks, one washes up etc. she didn’t see this coming.

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Then she should have done. Stats say that approximately 44% of children have not lived with both parents. Given it means it’s almost every other children then it’s naive to think you are going into parenthood and fully expecting to always divide jobs. This relationship barely lasted at all which suggests it wasn’t even that secure at the time of pregnancy.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 27/10/2025 10:12

As someone who had to take a lovely 5yr old to have surgery to remove 7 teeth, you are NOT overreacting.
A little bit of shit on the odd occasion is ok but not regularly

Swiftie1878 · 27/10/2025 10:13

fooddiee · 26/10/2025 23:59

There is no set schedule as he refuses to commit to one unfortunately.
There is never a set day or time, it is whenever he feels like it.

In reply to PP question, the food that is offered when they are out is either Quavers, Nachos, or biscuits.
My ex dosent cook and lives of takeaways.

Ex has never taken him to his flat as it's not childproofed (his choice).

I have attempted to establish a more structured routine in relation to the visits but he dosent seem to want to commit to days/ specific times.

You had a child with this man child, so unfortunately he has the same rights as you to parent that child.
Whats the point of making meals for him to microwave if he doesn’t take your child to his flat (and likely doesn’t even have a microwave!)

thisishowloween · 27/10/2025 10:14

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/10/2025 09:47

Such a tired trope. Presumably she was impregnated under the impression they’d be doing this as a team under one household, plenty of couples have a chef and a useless cook and divide jobs a accordingly, one cooks, one washes up etc. she didn’t see this coming.

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But even in the partnership scenario you describe, there are always times where the “useless cook” needs to step up and feed the children.

OP knew he didn’t cook. She knew he lived off takeaways, snacks and junk. She still decided to have a baby with him and it’s only now they’ve separated that she’s decided it’s a dealbreaker

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 27/10/2025 10:15

thisishowloween · 27/10/2025 08:26

OP - you picked him. You talk about how he’s never been able to feed himself and lived off ready meals and junk - but then decided to have a baby with him.

Well, aren't you a helpful commentator 🙄

thisishowloween · 27/10/2025 10:16

FuzzyWolf · 27/10/2025 10:05

Then she should have done. Stats say that approximately 44% of children have not lived with both parents. Given it means it’s almost every other children then it’s naive to think you are going into parenthood and fully expecting to always divide jobs. This relationship barely lasted at all which suggests it wasn’t even that secure at the time of pregnancy.

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And even if the relationship does least, both parents should be capable of feeding their child a healthy meal - it doesn’t have to be complex - pasta with tinned tomatoes and cheese, or beans on toast, or porridge with fruit.

What would happen if OP went into hospital for a long period of time, or needed to recover from surgery?

thisishowloween · 27/10/2025 10:18

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 27/10/2025 10:15

Well, aren't you a helpful commentator 🙄

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I wasn’t really trying to be helpful.

OP knew what he was like, decided to have a baby with him anyway and is now pissed off that he’s behaving the same way he always has.

Feeding your kid crisps and ready meals is not illegal. She can’t stop contact based on it so she has no choice but to suck it up.

JHound · 27/10/2025 10:18

This is one of the downside of having kids with a loser. A misogynist loser to boot.

There is nothing you can do except to continue providing nutritious meals in your own home.

JHound · 27/10/2025 10:30

thisishowloween · 27/10/2025 08:26

OP - you picked him. You talk about how he’s never been able to feed himself and lived off ready meals and junk - but then decided to have a baby with him.

This.

Basically. I am not sure what OP is expecting. This reminds me of my mate who is constantly whining about the values his ex-wife is imparting to their kids (she is wildly racist and a massive homophobe).

But he knew that before he married her and had kids with her so….

JHound · 27/10/2025 10:31

Also I doubt you will be able to block access because he allows the kids to eat junk.