Concerned about child's father parenting

[fooddiee]

So when my child's father has DC he will give DC unsuitable drinks from bottles which are full of sugar and sweeteners.
I'm talking about Innocent Smoothies, milkshakes etc.

Food wise he will give DC crisps and other rubbish.

I provide DC with healthy and nutritious meals which he loves.
DC eats a minimum of 5 fruit/veg a day and I follow the basic guidelines for his meals.

I am concerned that the junk he eats/ drinks with his father will start to affect what he eats and drinks when he is with me.

My ex can't cook as it's a "woman's job and women should cook for him".

I have told him that unless he can stop this and learn how to cook DC will not be having over nights with him and I will happily tell the court the reasons why.

AIBU to feel this way or am I being too strict?

At 22 months old that is verging on child abuse imo.
But then, we accept really awful diets for children as somehow normal then wonder why people have a lifetime of health issues.

@HedwigElizaparebts don’t have any rights at all, only a child does. Parents have responsibilities only.
the ‘you picked him’ is a tired trope- this website is filled with women who found a partner who seemed sensible and wonderful and then became unsafe. Neglectful or abusive , it’s well known that often begins or worsens in pregnancy. My Prince Charming started being abusive when I was pregnant. Criticizing the safe parent, who stayed, is awful.

op the welfare checklist shows that a parent should meet a child’s heath needs. So rather than banning foods, what you need to focus on in writing /mediatij is can your ex offer him a balanced meal at his. During the day first- a decent lunch. Veg /fruit, protein and carb. That could be a cheese and cucumber sandwich or beans on toast or fish fingers bread and a banana and yoghurt it doesn’t have to be ‘cooking’. Could you email asking if he can manage any of these meals? And perhaps (if you made the overnight threat in writing) refer back to your threat message, and say what you meant was that you would like to support progression to overnights, but what is needed to help baby be comfortable and healthy and happy at these overnights is for him to have a meal there. If dad isn’t able to offer an evening meal he’s unlikely to sleep well as he’ll be hungry.

see what he replies- he will either make progress or he will give you good evidence of his incompetence At court.

basically he could guve him McDonald’s and they’d be fine with that, but if he doesn’t feel him a meal at all that’s neglect and very reasonable not to send him there overnight (or you could do dinner at yours then off to dads to sleep, if it’s safe, and if you want a night off!)

They’re not in court yet. I think feeding bad food is fine by courts, but not feeding any food at all apart from crisps wouldn’t be!

I've got a horrendous ex who has very different parenting standards to me and it's actually helpful for me to accept that I've had kids with an arsehole and now my beautiful children have to spend time with an arsehole.

My kids would be so much better off with me the vast majority of the time and my ex having them EOW but the standard is now 50/50 and the bar is so so low for Dads that even rapists, violent abusers and child sex offenders get court ordered contact with their kids in this country.

Would you leave your child alone with his father for 24 hours if the father said I won’t feed him a meal at all I’ll only give him sugary drinks and crisps? I hope not as that would be neglectful

Op has said he only does two hours at a time; of course him, and toddler, arent ready for overnights yet that needs to be built up to and baby will need a meal while he’s away that long - this man has said he won’t give child a meal. Would you send your child to a sleepover at a house where they wouldn’t be given dinner or breakfast?

If he is only have DC for a few hours a week it is more of an annoyance than a major issue. If DC is eating healthily throughout the week and being given sweets at the weekend only, then it's very similar to how a lot of families operate anyway.

If he did want overnights then it's definitely a conversation to be had, but again your DC is probably eating better than a lot of other children, even factoring the rubbish from your partner.

Do you have 5050? Did you give in or did he get given that at court?

You can't do much about it. Id personally be more bothered about his attitude that women should cook him etc. You can't do much about that either of course

Give over. Not anywhere has OP said that he's only feeding him crisps and not feeding. Other junk could mean take out, it could mean banging a ready meal in the microwave, it could mean chicken nuggets and chips out the oven.

This is the reality of sharing custody of your child. You won’t agree on lots of things but the only thing you get to control is what goes on during your time with the child.

There is no way to say this politely, but what did you think would happen when you decided to have a child with him?

That's the reality of shared custody.

He sounds crap but you chose a man who’s sexist and won’t cook as your child’s father and this is one of the unhappy consequences. It’s awful for your little boy but plenty of people have kids who can’t or won’t feed them responsibly and don’t baby proof their homes. He’s not going to lose contact because his standards don’t meet yours. I’d be appalled but at some point you thought he was a good person to coparent with, not much you can do now.

But they don’t have shared custody now, op is main carer and resident parent , her ex is a visitor. He aspires to share care apparently, for op to agree to changes he’ll have to convince her (or a court) that child is safe enough and fed enough in his care.

That’s the impression I got from her post. I agree with you though that’s it’s very different advice if he’s giving unhealthy junky meals like McDonald’s, or if it’s nothing at all except for salty snacks and sugary drinks. If he’s giving meals (even if he doesn’t cook them,blink microwave or take away or freezer over food) then that would be considered ‘good enough’ by the time they get to court baby will be well over 2.

op either way I think your best bet is to be helpful and offer support (even though you shouldn’t have to) in writing rather than criticism or instructions or what might ‘seem’ threatening or manipulative.

There is lots she can do.
offer help and support and easy nutritious ideas
go to mediation with him , especially if mediator is a man, a sexist like the ex might listen to him (my ex did)

and also give herself a break - op has done so so well giving his gut biome such a solid start and getting lots of nutrition in him for the rest of the week.

just to reassure you as well, they do adapt to different rules. Eg I never ever ever give my son a phone to watch in the car. His dad always does. My son has asked once or twice but never mentions it again as he’s worked out that’s not on offfer at mummy’s so no point.

The bar for good parenting is very low in court. When abusers and convicted criminals are getting access to their dc I really don’t think crisps and milkshakes are going to be on a courts radar.

It’s not ideal but you can’t control what he does in his time unless you believe there’s a genuine safeguarding issue.

The thing is my ex never used to be so sexiest and awful, once upon a time he actually a really nice loving man.

From when I met my ex over 13 years ago he was always relying on Meal Deals for lunch, McDonalds and other takeaways for dinner.

He simply can't cook and refuses to learn despite me offering to teach him so many times.
His diet is very high in carbs, fat and sugar.
He will think nothing of having a hot chocolate and biscuits for breakfast.
Apparently all his mates kids who are similar age rely on ready made meals 80% of the time and apparently "I make life very awkward for myself by cooking from scratch every day".

I want my son to have a healthy start in life and adapt healthy eating from a young age.

I paid for a sleep consultant as my sleep as he was a terrible sleeper and I have set routine.
My ex dosent believe in routines.

We just clash on so many different things when it comes to parenting.

I will offer to cook DC's meals to take with him when the time comes as I only want what's best for my son.

gordon Ramsey female is he lol I doubt he would like that idea
so batch cook and send with your kid so they can be microwaved

You say he only has him for a few hours at a time at the weekends, so how much of an issue can this really be? The vast majority of the time he is with you and eating food you supply. He doesn't have overnights and you say you aren't sure your ex wants them, so what are you annoyed about that for? It seems like you are making up an argument about something that hasn't happened yet.

There is nothing in this thread that would stop a court mandating access.

The court won’t prevent your ex seeing his son because he gives him innocent smoothies to drink …

No, he won't. A court is not going to deny him overnights based on anything in her posts.

Kindly, you are in for a very long 18 years if you let all of his parenting choices affect you this way. Of course we all want what’s best for our dc and it can be tough when parenting styles clash. But you aren’t going to change this man. If anything he’s probably going to be more stubborn and determined to do his own thing the more you criticise and try to guide him to follow your superior ways.

You need to back off. Your ex’s time is his time and it’s up to him what he feeds your dc and when they go to bed. This may cause issues for you when they come home but that’s the reality of co parenting. You only need to read the boards on here to see how tricky it can be to navigate.

As long as your dc isn’t in danger there is nothing you can do about this.