Concerned about child's father parenting

[fooddiee]

So when my child's father has DC he will give DC unsuitable drinks from bottles which are full of sugar and sweeteners.
I'm talking about Innocent Smoothies, milkshakes etc.

Food wise he will give DC crisps and other rubbish.

I provide DC with healthy and nutritious meals which he loves.
DC eats a minimum of 5 fruit/veg a day and I follow the basic guidelines for his meals.

I am concerned that the junk he eats/ drinks with his father will start to affect what he eats and drinks when he is with me.

My ex can't cook as it's a "woman's job and women should cook for him".

I have told him that unless he can stop this and learn how to cook DC will not be having over nights with him and I will happily tell the court the reasons why.

AIBU to feel this way or am I being too strict?

Point out where she said he won’t feed him a meal?

You are being unreasonable and the courts will take a very dim view of you attempting to restrict access because you don’t like him having crisps. It sounds like you don’t like your ex very much which may be justified but unfortunately you chose to have a child with him so you will both have to manage. I’d imagine there will be far bigger disagreements than this ahead of you as he grows so best learn now how to negotiate effectively.

PPs suggestion of sending DC with a box of healthy food is a good one
sounds like the father is lazy- why go and buy stuff if food has been supplied?
Bonus points if OP pretends its an inconvenience to her as he will like that

I think you need to unclench a bit tbh. Your child is only 22 months old - really, really don't fall for the rhetoric that because he is happy to eat everything you put in front of him now he will always be like this, or that only offering healthy foods will ensure he prefers them for ever, or by restricting what he eats to only healthy foods, he won't know about unhealthy options. It's all rubbish I'm afraid, said by someone who had had three children, all fed the same and who have vastly different attitudes to diet as late teens-30s.
I fear this current obsession with 'healthy' food and the seeming inability to use nuance or common sense (ref the pp who said this was child abuse) is leading these parents into a false sense of security about their superior parenting which will unravel pretty quickly once the children are beyond primary age.
OP, you might be convinced you are right, but this really REALLY isn't anything approaching a reason to withhold contact. Please don't do it.

Tell him to stop least buy subway i used to find sighing and saying well if that's all you and your parents can afford (when he lived with them) then came the inevitable YOU need to provide food for YOUR CHILDREN while WE BABYSIT so I sent a few slices of bread and a tin of beans I also offered a scrape of butter as they were so clearly hard done by (they all worked full time and the house was paid off) i did it again few times before they stopped asking

You had no right to TELL him to do anything

So your worried about one meal a drink or two and a snack.....get a grip you have 20 meals to be healthy one a week treat isn't going to kill him

I didnt? Reading is a skill your lacking clearly

Good, bad or indifferent - that’s the father she picked for the child, so it’s a bit late in the day to be complaining that he doesn’t meet her standards.

If he’s only having the child for short periods the court won’t be interested in what is essentially parenting choices (mine only had good food etc so I would be cross too but courts take a different view as actually a smoothie a week won’t hurt.) child proofing is a bit of a red herring too because you don’t need to child proofing as long as you provide supervision, i didn’t because it was a rental, we just supervised carefully and taught them not to touch

You told the OP to TELL him to at least buy Subway. There's nothing wrong with my reading thanks, unlike your grammar

Can you imagine if your ex sent food to yours because they felt you were incapable of feeding your dc properly? It’s controlling and basically says ‘you are not good enough and need managing by me even though we are no longer together.’

So he was responsible enough to have DC with but not to look after them?

his house, his rules. I bet he doesn’t agree with everything you do either.

My ex will often to come into my own house and tell me what to feed our DC, and he also tells me to what to offer him to drink.
He tries to boss me around in my own home.

He comes to collect DC and will take him to the park, arcadian etc and won't offer him a proper meal.

DC has never been to his flat, the visiting is mostly done in my home and also when he takes him out as he can't be bothered to childproof his flat.

My ex also works in a physically demanding job and will often fall asleep so there is a concern there as in the past he has left his oven on and fell asleep.

realistically @fooddiee his Dad has him 2 hours a week.

For the other 166 hours you can mitigate any "damage" your ex is doing?

You are not wrong tbf, don't give yourself unnecessary stress though.

reading this you sound like that sort of parent who will use child as a weapon and will jump on the slightest thing I dad was breathing while having my kid this is so dangerous type he should not have contact I think you need to take a look at yourself you where happy to sleep with him before the kid came along maybe you got the kid you wanted and now want him out of picture completely

No I have never used DC as a weapon, my ex can see DC anytime.

I just hate his abusive attitude towards me and how he speaks to me and tries telling me what to do with DC when he only see'a DC for a few hours a week (his choice due to work).

He comes into my house and acts as if he still
resides here, not many people in my situation would accommodate that after all the verbal and emotional abuse he has inflicted on me.

I have looked on the infant and toddler forum and it recommends crisps are not given to toddlers under 2 years of age and even then the recommendation is not a whole bag as he often gives DC.
I am concerned about the salt intake.

My ex literally has no clue as he can barely even look after himself let alone a child.

Its bizarre he tells me what to do considering I do everything for DC with no help.

Even when he is looking after DC so I can have a few hours to myself/ do housework I have to help him as he isn't capable, he dosent stop calling me asking me "what to do" during the few hours he has DC.

Op you’ve got to stop him coming into your home I stopped that from 6 months. The thing that worked well for us were children’s centre stay and play sessions, lots to dads events on Saturdays. Then you know your ex is safe and also he can check out info about baby diets and potty training etc there. And also local soft play is perfect. Or he can take him for dinner (chips?) locally. Just stop having him in your home and the bad vibes he brings, you don’t want dc to remember him being there either and ask why you stopped getting him used to it. The discomfort will incentivize him to sort out car seat and sort his own flat out too. You deserve to protect your peace.

I know. That’s why he’d either have to convince her, and if he can’t, he’ll convince a court. I’m very aware court won’t care! But it’d be a lot cheaper for him and better for everyone if he worked with his ex and fed his son something better than crips.

They’re not in court yet, or anywhere near it. But they will be if op stops the current access.

I think op may have played into this lazy man’s hands though with the threat about overnights- if his family or new gf ask why he doesn’t have his son overnight he will show them that text as evidence of controlling baby mamma dramas, rather than admitting he can’t be bothered with the work involved.

i misread op saying he won’t cook for baby and just gives him crisps as he ONLY gives him crisps, I’ve asked op to clarify if he gives actual (unhealthy) meals but can’t see a reply to that yet, as that’s makes a big difference - empty tummy vs tummy full of stodge are diffenet

The overnights you have some real concerns op. You can work them through in mediation when the time comes but just focus on the now right now.

as it stands, child is having a good play time and you can give water and an apple to detox from junk food when they’re returned.

I’d absolutely love someone to cook nutritious food for my child so I didn’t have to!

Ps maybe you could politely signpost ex towards the healthier Ella’s style baby crisps from the baby isle in boots if he wants to have a snack for baby

But it’s in the context of her saying his efforts are not good enough, rather than being kind or helpful.

It’s basically saying he is not meeting her standard of parenting which is fairly likely to rub him up the wrong way I’d imagine. If she wants to maintain a healthy and respectful coparenting relationship I don’t think this is going to help.