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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

If you have a SEN child, would you be comfortable with this?

348 replies

Beetrootisthesecretingredient · 26/10/2025 08:43

Context: DS7 is autistic. Verbal but with lots of sensory issues and is very rigid.
Yesterday we went cycling along the canal tow path, one of our usual Saturday activities. Its usually quiet and we have a nice time cycling to a certain bridge and back. DS is very noise sensitive. Yesterday there was a series of unfortunate events (in our world): someone using a chain saw, a baby cried and then a loud car backfired, all within 2 mins of each other. DS leaps off bike screams and cries and lies on the tow path. Meltdown.
This happened on a very narrow bit of towpath. At this exact same time 4 older male cyclists in all the lycra wanted to overtake us. DP went to DS to sooth/move out of way. Cyclists have now stopped and said loudly 'FFS just move him out of the way'.
I replied 'it won't take a second he's upset'.
More grumbling and general unkindness from cyclists. DP then loudly called cyclist 'inconsiderate twat'.
DP now wants to get DS a high vis vest that says 'I am autistic please be patient ' but I feel uncomfortable about it.
Fwiw we have a sunflower lanyard but these cyclists either didn't know what it represents of didn't care and DP just doesn't want to get in that situation again.... which ended with all stressed and called people twats.

OP posts:
helpfulperson · 26/10/2025 14:51

I suspect that most people commenting haven't been on canal tow path. There will be walkers, toddlers, fishermen, cyclists, birdwatchers, runners, etc all sharing a space 4ft wide with water on one side and often bushes or a wall on the other. Even in normal circumstances it requires cooperation between all parties. Delays, obstructions, incidents are all part and parcel of using a shared space like this.

nicelongbath · 26/10/2025 14:57

Blushingm · 26/10/2025 14:45

He’s 7, not 17. They were 2 adults. For safety’s sake he should have been moved, not allowed to lay on the ground. Woukd you have said the same he was laid in the middle of a road?

As I said earlier, the safer thing to do in the scenario would be for him to be calm enough to move/be moved without resisting, rather than for him to resist being moved. If there was immediate danger you would need to move under resistance. It is totally reasonable for OP expect someone to wait a short amount of time to manage the situation and move her DS safely, not to have to panic and drag him about for the sake of mildly inconveniencing others.

222days · 26/10/2025 14:59

nicelongbath · 26/10/2025 14:43

I don’t think OP says anywhere the cyclists were going too quickly, only that they were rude and impatient while they were trying to deal
with their DS’s meltdown.

Those posts were a response to @vivainsomnia ’s posts where they stated that cyclists should be able to ride along towpaths at speed and expect the path to be clear for them to do so, and accusing anybody who happened to be in the way of being the cause of the danger of them hitting someone.

Kendodd · 26/10/2025 15:03

I think bottom line on this thread is -
Don't bother with high vis.
Cyclists behaved badly.
You should have just moved your kid out of the way.

222days · 26/10/2025 15:04

nicelongbath · 26/10/2025 14:57

As I said earlier, the safer thing to do in the scenario would be for him to be calm enough to move/be moved without resisting, rather than for him to resist being moved. If there was immediate danger you would need to move under resistance. It is totally reasonable for OP expect someone to wait a short amount of time to manage the situation and move her DS safely, not to have to panic and drag him about for the sake of mildly inconveniencing others.

Exactly. As I said in an earlier post, would these people react in the same way to anybody else having a medical issue meaning they are “obstructing” the path and their precious bike ride is delayed by a minute or two? For example, an elderly person who has collapsed, or someone middle-aged who has had a heart attack, or an adult who has slipped and broken a leg or even twisted an ankle badly…

If so, they are hideous selfish human beings who should be ignored.

If not, they are most likely part of the “hate children” brigade and should similarly be ignored.

These people need to realise that public spaces belong to everyone else just as much as them. Don’t like it? Buy a garden big enough to ride your bike around with nobody there, or stick to cycle lanes on roads. Although I do feel sorry for the poor cyclists who might have the audacity to be slower than them who they will encounter in such cycle lanes and perceive to be “an obstruction”.

222days · 26/10/2025 15:06

Kendodd · 26/10/2025 15:03

I think bottom line on this thread is -
Don't bother with high vis.
Cyclists behaved badly.
You should have just moved your kid out of the way.

They were moving their child out of the way as quickly as was reasonably feasible to do so.

Do you think parents enjoy their child being in immense distress and worried whether they’ll be hurt by irresponsible cyclists going much too fast or verbally abused by them and having to listen to swearing from these strangers? I highly doubt they were needlessly prolonging the situation.

ToffeePennie · 26/10/2025 15:12

The bike rider will be a twat regardless of a hi vis.
But you can mitigate things. My autistic son is very noise sensitive too, and often when we are out and about he will wear his ear buds with his choice of music/a tv show playing. Low enough volume to be aware if someone is talking to him/we need him to pay attention, but loud enough for it to “drown out” sensory overloads.

Seelybe · 26/10/2025 15:18

@Beetrootisthesecretingredient totally get the scenario. I honestly don't think vests/t shirts make a difference when people are all about themselves. Just develop hide of rhinoceros and do what you have to do to keep your son safe. My response to comments like that is 'FFS why don't you F right off?'

222days · 26/10/2025 15:21

NothingCanStopTheSmooze · 26/10/2025 14:38

If any of these adults are ND they likely didn’t have anyone to teach them as they likely weren’t/aren’t diagnosed. And not every autistic person is able to learn appropriate coping mechanisms for every situation. If they were, why do people need access passes etc in a lot of situations? Surely they should all just learn to deal with queues?

Obviously in an ideal world all people can learn to deal with things that don’t go to plan. But as others have pointed out in previous threads, if someone can stop being autistic then they aren’t autistic. Learning to mask or cope doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling. Maybe the cyclist has already had to cope with multiple issues that day but this was the final straw? Who knows.

I didn’t have anybody to teach me as a child. I wasn’t diagnosed until my 20s.

Queue passes are to make places accessible to people who otherwise would not be able to cope with going, to try to level the playing field a little bit so that disabled people can access the same things as others. Sorry that you find this so objectionable.

As autistic people we have to learn to tolerate environments that aren’t designed for us and are - rightly and understandably - designed for the preferences and needs of the majority. This is essential to be able to function in life. Some of us have had to teach it to ourselves as best we can. Some children now get better support, but much of it is still hard won and begrudged.

What is astonishing is the complete lack of empathy still from many NT people. The seeming complete incomprehension that many autistic people - even children - are making a superhuman effort all day every day to adjust to the environments designed to suit NT people, to huge detriment to themselves, and yet when the slightest adjustment in return is requested this is seen as a huge imposition and “unfair” even when it won’t affect the NT people at all, when the autistic person is already hugely disadvantaged simply by existing in the world designed for NT people.

The way autistic children are treated in schools and the claims that SEND provision is “unfair” are a great example of this.

I often think that teachers/ parents/ others who behave like this to autistic/ ADHD people should be made to sit in a room all day with people shouting and screaming through loudspeakers all day long, everyone speaking to each other at all being required to use one. There should also be noises like nails scratching down blackboards, buzzing and whirring sounds played throughout the day through speakers.

There should also be various spotlights positioned around the room at awkward angles to shine directly into their eyes no matter where they look. These lights must flicker constantly like strobe lighting.

The temperature should be turned down to -5 but they shouldn’t be allowed to wear a coat, and they should be forced to wear socks filled with sand inside their shoes and clothes lined with sandpaper.

The walls should be covered in psychedelic patterns in neon colours to make them feel sick, and various disgusting smells should be pumped into the room all day like strong odours of B.O. and farts.

Everyone should be required to wear a mask covering their whole face at all times as well so that nobody can read each other’s facial expressions to help them understand what they are trying to communicate over the background noise.

Should they find this unpleasant at any point and ask to have a break from the environment for a few minutes they should be told to stop being so entitled and thinking they are special, quit whinging and just get on with it. Surely, after all, they can just turn down the sensitivity levels of their eyes and ears and sense of smell and nerve endings on demand to suit the environment? Who do they think they are, being so demanding and precious?

Then, at the end of the day they can feed back how they think it went, and it should be announced at that point that they’ll be doing the same for the next four days running. Oh, and next week, and the week after that, and….

What’s funniest is the endless pretence that somehow autistic people are expecting to be given advantages when all that is being asked is the slightest bit of consideration, common decency, and a few minor adjustments that rarely affect anybody else to any significant degree in order to make daily life bearable while they continue to try to comply with the preferences and needs of neurotypical people.

I’m so sick of hearing these discriminatory comments. Nobody has said anybody can “stop being autistic”. Life for autistic people could be made much less hellish, with little impact on anybody else, however, with just a little bit of compassion and adjustment and less ignorance and prejudice.

NT people might also want to look up the many autistic people in history in science, mathematics, philosophy, the arts, music etc without whom they’d probably still be living in a cave trying to figure out how to light a fire to keep the wolves away at night-time. There is a reason why these genes are prevalent and have not died out: they are beneficial to human society. It’s not much to expect some basic decency in return.

jbm16 · 26/10/2025 15:25

vivainsomnia · 26/10/2025 09:19

They probably said something because it was dangerous. We have a path between two towns which is wide for two to pass but at places narrower. You can go a decent speed on those paths. The number of people who will stop and block the way, or make very difficult to navigate is staggering. They are totally oblivious of the danger, caught in their own world.

I almost hit a child a couple of times because of it and they told me off. The fear of serious injury got my adrenaline up and I yelled back they were the idiots putting their child and I in danger. You need to be cycle path savvy!

Why do cyclist think the own roads, paths etc? If it's narrow and there are other people you shouldn't be travelling at speed...

222days · 26/10/2025 15:28

222days · 26/10/2025 14:50

Nobody needs to know if someone else is ND. People just need to treat each other with basic respect.

If you see a 7 year old in huge distress in the middle of a pathway and the parents trying to help him, clearly having a go at them and swearing at them is not a reasonable way to behave regardless of why the child is distressed or if they are ND, and regardless of whether this interrupts your cycling times. Just pause your time recorder for a couple of minutes until you restart, or time the time the pause takes and deduct it from your total time at the end: hardly a big deal compared to a child so distressed they can’t even stand up.

I don’t see what someone did wrong by asking you directions. You could have chosen to ignore them if your cycling times was so important to you that you couldn’t possibly answer them. You chose to stop and answer them. If you had just ignored them they’d have asked someone else. They behaved perfectly reasonably by asking you. As I said, part of life is that other people exist, unexpected things happen and even if we are ND we have to learn to deal with that and that the entire world doesn’t revolve around whatever your goal is at the time. NT people are just as bad for this, if not worse, with terrible and selfish behaviour towards anybody who they perceive to be “in the way”.

ND people wearing clothes to identify them - like a Star of David in Nazi Germany - is not the solution. The solution is for everyone to become a little less selfish and a little less impatient and intolerant of everyone else and accept that their own preferences don’t always override everything else, especially a small distressed child.

Whether these cyclists were autistic or not is irrelevant. Whether the child was autistic or not is irrelevant, too, really. They were simply nasty people who thought that they had more right to be in public space than a little child in clear distress for whatever reason and were so self-important that they thought it was unacceptable that they would have to wait for a minute or two because someone else needed help. I hope everyone starts to stand up to such entitled, selfish and rude behaviour, especially when a small child is involved.

Sorry @x2boys that post was meant for @NothingCanStopTheSmooze !

Neemie · 26/10/2025 15:33

To be honest, when adults are very focused on themselves and have mini meltdowns like this cyclist, I often think they are struggling to deal with their own issues. It is their equivalent to lying on the ground and screaming. I don’t think they would care about a vest.

x2boys · 26/10/2025 15:35

222days · 26/10/2025 15:28

Sorry @x2boys that post was meant for @NothingCanStopTheSmooze !

I realised that 😅

222days · 26/10/2025 15:38

Neemie · 26/10/2025 15:33

To be honest, when adults are very focused on themselves and have mini meltdowns like this cyclist, I often think they are struggling to deal with their own issues. It is their equivalent to lying on the ground and screaming. I don’t think they would care about a vest.

Indeed. Which makes it all the more ironic that they would be swearing about a small child having a lack of self-control which they clearly lack themselves as adults.

The right answer therefore is to block their path while the distressed child is calmed to protect him from any harm, initially apologise for the delay, but if there is any rudeness or aggressiveness ignore them completely but continue to stand firmly between them and the child while the other parent moves the child to the side of the pathway once this is possible to do safely (as the OP and other parent did).

And to have number plates put on bikes so that cyclists who engage in dangerous and anti-social behaviour can be fined and banned from cycling in public areas.

222days · 26/10/2025 15:40

x2boys · 26/10/2025 15:35

I realised that 😅

Thank you! I saw that you (kindly) didn’t pick me up on it so had figured you did realise, but wanted to say sorry, anyway! 💐

Frogs88 · 26/10/2025 15:44

I don’t think a vest would help tbh. The type of people that act like that probably wouldn’t care or change their behaviour even if they were aware.

coxesorangepippin · 26/10/2025 15:45

Don't take autistic kids on the canal tow path in general, really

The cyclists were right

Neemie · 26/10/2025 15:49

coxesorangepippin · 26/10/2025 15:45

Don't take autistic kids on the canal tow path in general, really

The cyclists were right

You can’t just ban people because you find them annoying. You might not be allowed out if that was the case!

Italiandreams · 26/10/2025 15:50

wow this thread is frustrating! The OP clearly said they regularly cycle that route without issue, unfortunately that day things had overwhelmed their child too much, sometimes with the best laid plans these things happen. They were trying to move their child ( which is not easy when mid melt down) The cyclist had to wait 20 seconds!

In answer to the actual question. As someone with recently diagnosed child this is something we are trying to navigate, there are times I wonder if it will be easier to make difficulties clear, Then I wonder if I’m being selfish and I’m doing it to make life easier for me. I hope that doesn’t come across as critical as I’m just being self reflective. I am generally coming down on the side of not sharing unless necessary, most people are considerate, and those that aren’t are not worth my time. We try to be considerate of others, I absolutely don’t think my child is the centre of the world, but life can just be tricker sometimes.

Kirbert2 · 26/10/2025 15:51

coxesorangepippin · 26/10/2025 15:45

Don't take autistic kids on the canal tow path in general, really

The cyclists were right

Why not? OP has said it is usually fine. Sounds like it's usually quiet but they just got unlucky that day.

Jan039 · 26/10/2025 15:54

There's no one more entitled than a male cyclist IMO.

Would he be happy to wear a hi viz vest OP? I'd let him decide.

Jan039 · 26/10/2025 15:55

coxesorangepippin · 26/10/2025 15:45

Don't take autistic kids on the canal tow path in general, really

The cyclists were right

Yes OP! They should be kept at home and not seen or heard!

@coxesorangepippin you sound like an inconsiderate twat too. Not to mention ableist.

x2boys · 26/10/2025 15:56

coxesorangepippin · 26/10/2025 15:45

Don't take autistic kids on the canal tow path in general, really

The cyclists were right

It's a massive spectrum i wouldn't take mine because he's severely impacted and has very challenging behaviour and zero awareness of danger so I wouldn't want anywhere near water
But many autistic children will be fine!

Hiptothisjive · 26/10/2025 16:13

vivainsomnia · 26/10/2025 09:19

They probably said something because it was dangerous. We have a path between two towns which is wide for two to pass but at places narrower. You can go a decent speed on those paths. The number of people who will stop and block the way, or make very difficult to navigate is staggering. They are totally oblivious of the danger, caught in their own world.

I almost hit a child a couple of times because of it and they told me off. The fear of serious injury got my adrenaline up and I yelled back they were the idiots putting their child and I in danger. You need to be cycle path savvy!

This was my immediate thought.

I know your son can’t help where he melts down but it potentially was in a dangerous spot and he was at high risk of being hit.

The other riders were rude but your DP should have moved for safety. Your DO was rude for saying that and using that language in front of a child. No glory anywhere for anyone all around.

Whether your son is ND or not the danger to him was as a child and while it is super pertinent to you it isn’t to others (whether you agree or not).

Perspective21 · 26/10/2025 16:21

As a mother of a child (15 now) with Down’s Syndrome and autism I’m sharing our experiences so you can make cycling more relaxing for you all. My son can physically ride his own adult sized bike well. He manages to scan for people, other obstacles, dogs and so on when we’re on a really wide shared path, such as those you find in some large parks or the coast. His Dad rides very close and provides commentary on “hazards” and general support.

canal paths are usually much narrower and busy and everyone is more tightly packed in. This is where he’s on a tandem with Dad. He has a comfy seating position with full five point harness built in. We find he can relax about the busyness and simply pedal. We have invested in the tandem as cycling is something we all enjoy but especially “the boys” can just take off for a quick ride on a fine day.

There are charities you can try out all different types of bikes and see what might suit your set up. With the right bike for you, you can adapt the experience so it’s more enjoyable for him and you all.

We use the sunflower lanyard in airports to access special security lanes but I’d never “badge” him up in the general environment like this. You can try and adapt things to make the environment work more easily for you all, this is SEN parenting in a lot of cases.