Workplace gossip - Do I have a right to complain?

[Intentionallyvauge]

I work for a large company with lots of different departments.

Someone in another department to me is very vaguely connected to me through family. In-law of in-laws, that type of thing. I know his face and name and that's about it. Can't even remember the name of his wife or kids. He passes through my office sometimes and I always say hello, how are you, just pleasantries. I sometimes see him outside of work at extended family events.

This person has heard some information about me through the family grapevine. Pretty personal stuff such as the fact that my daughter is having problems since starting secondary school, that I had a health scare earlier this year, even some of the problems I've had in my marriage.

This has trickled back to me, and I'm really upset that colleagues have heard personal things about me that I haven't chosen to share myself. Some of the information he has shared isn't quite accurate either, or is told from a one-sided viewpoint. It seems he's told his entire department, enough for it to have spread out of his and into mine, anyway.

I feel as though I should bring this up with the person rather than go straight to someone senior, but I'm not really sure where I stand. Is just chatting about someone you know in the workplace OK? at what point is it not? It's not something I would do, but can I really do anything about it?

At what point does it become gossip and and what point does gossip become bullying?

I do hope that makes sense. I'm kind of dreading Monday, wondering if everyone has been gleefully discussing my marital issues in the pub 😄😭

And yes, I know I need to address the fact that family have clearly been gossiping about me too, but I know how to deal with that!

I would raise this as a formal workplace complaint to be honest.

He's a prick - and he doesn't get to share 'mis'information about you to his entire department as gossip. He needs a formal reprimand and you need an apology. It's utterly unprofessional.

Speak to HR and make it clear that you are expecting action to be taken. He should not be spreading rumours about colleagues.

Speak to HR and ask them to informally have a word. You're entitled to privacy in the workplace and this distant relation is essentially gossiping about you.

If you weren't related he probably wouldn't know any of whatever he's spreading and if you didn't work in the same place he likely wouldn't be repeating it. I am thinking informal word first as a shot across the bow rather than guns blazing.

It's extremely unpleasant that people are talking about you - but they don't actually care. It's just mindless gossip that means nothing to them. It's not worth you being bothered about it. They won't judge you any differently when they next see you as it's only a big deal for you.

The person who told you about it is probably trying to create drama. If they thought they were being a nice friend, they're an idiot

I know it's just mindless gossip to them and they don't care but isn't that beside the point?

The point is, things that should have remained private have been splashed about as entertainment without my consent. I didn't even know they knew.

We don't know OP won't be treated differently. We don't know the details of what's been said. People may well judge and see her in a different light. They may belittle her. They may overlook her for promotion because they think she can't handle her homelife. We don't know what the consequences will be

It could be misinformation about an affair or something

And private medical information being spread can be very humiliating.

I'm so sorry OP and yes, you definitely have a right to raise it.

It depends what you want.

If you want to make the ethical point that they're in the wrong for gossiping (which we can all understand) then you need to take this further.

If you don't want them to gossip about you (which we can all also understand), then taking it further might be the worst thing to do.

This is such bizarre behaviour on his part - are you very senior? Why would his colleagues in another department who you don’t know be interested in anything to do with your kid starting secondary etc? If someone told me “haven’t you heard about Martin in security, he’s not getting on with his wife” I’d think they’d lost the plot.

That's all true but how many times have you heard office gossip and then treated or thought of the person at the centre of it differently? I can honestly say never for me - it might be interesting in the moment but ultimately I don't care and I can never be certain how accurate the gossip is anyway

I'm wondering (sorry -I'm not being intentionally argumentative and I know you're just trying to help, genuinely asking for an opinion) if taking it further might make him realise that what was just mindless gossip to him, has actually had consequences for me and feels hurtful and like a violation. So it might then make him stop gossiping about me.

I don't know him well enough to judge the effect it would have, unfortunately!

Who in your family has told him about you?

The nature of my department means that everyone knows me to some extent. Not because I am senior but because my role means I have to regularly connect with most people, almost daily.

I would take it further. If he is given a formal reprimand (which he should be) for discussing your personal situation then he would be a bloody idiot to repeat the offense.

Yes. It should absolutely stop him gossiping about you at work - unless he wants to find himself in trouble again. Please report him.

His behaviour is appalling and he deserves an HR warning.

Why don’t you speak to him yourself and tell him to pack it in. Then if he does it again make a formal complaint.

Well if you’re not senior but you are sort of exposed to scrutiny (I’m picturing something like front desk) I would probably ask my boss - if nice - to have a quiet word with him. Or his boss. Or your boss to have a quiet word with his boss to speak to him. It’s upsetting you and no one wants it becoming a big thing so this might just give him a kick up the bum to shhh.

I would be tempted to speak to him directly, but would also have let my boss know what was going on in case it escalates.

You are being completely ridiculous with those comments. No one has the right to spread information about someone else in a workplace. They need to be told that "mindless gossip" is not to be tolerated. How would you like personal information to be shared around your office. Completely unacceptable.

If he's a decent person then yes, he'll probably feel quite embarrassed and reflect on his behaviour

Definitely raise it to HR. Although it’s not nasty as such, so maybe not seen as bullying, it definitely comes in the same sphere.

If you feel awkward about the person being talked directly to, and your name being mentioned , Then hr could put out a general message about confidential information not being disclosed and discussed etc. regarding staff etc.

Why on earth would he think it's ok to share personal information about you to others? Is he trying to cause trouble for you? Embarrass you? Rhetorical questions of course, I know you don't know why he's doing it.

Yes, I would be taking it to HR. You can speak to them off the record initially if you wish then decide what to do from there. I think he needs speaking to though - what he is doing is not OK.

I think theres 2 aspects to this- one is absolutely the issue in the workplace.

The other is how he is getting this information in the first place. If they are in-laws, DH might need to help. Can his close family stop gossipping about you to wider family? Can you and he make clear what information you do not want shared and will they respect that? If not, it's probably time to limit what the in-laws are told (i.e. I know my MIL cant keep secrets and will spread gossip gleefully - she didnt even manage to keep my first pregnancy under wraps for a few weeks till I got to the end of the first trimester. As a result she doesn't get told any sensitive information about our family- just positive stories about how well the kids are doing. That way, there's no gossip for her to spread).

I’d stop sharing anything personal with work colleagues as clearly it’s not being kept confidential.

The point is that OP hasn’t shared any of this stuff- it’s a distant family member who’s doing the sharing.

Well I think you need to find out how he's getting this information and stop telling the person who is giving it to him.

Surely marital problems should only be known to people you can trust completely.

How is that in any way what's happening here? Did you actually read the OP before commenting?