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Original poster

Workplace gossip - Do I have a right to complain?

85 replies

Intentionallyvauge · 24/10/2025 19:38

I work for a large company with lots of different departments.

Someone in another department to me is very vaguely connected to me through family. In-law of in-laws, that type of thing. I know his face and name and that's about it. Can't even remember the name of his wife or kids. He passes through my office sometimes and I always say hello, how are you, just pleasantries. I sometimes see him outside of work at extended family events.

This person has heard some information about me through the family grapevine. Pretty personal stuff such as the fact that my daughter is having problems since starting secondary school, that I had a health scare earlier this year, even some of the problems I've had in my marriage.

This has trickled back to me, and I'm really upset that colleagues have heard personal things about me that I haven't chosen to share myself. Some of the information he has shared isn't quite accurate either, or is told from a one-sided viewpoint. It seems he's told his entire department, enough for it to have spread out of his and into mine, anyway.

I feel as though I should bring this up with the person rather than go straight to someone senior, but I'm not really sure where I stand. Is just chatting about someone you know in the workplace OK? at what point is it not? It's not something I would do, but can I really do anything about it?

At what point does it become gossip and and what point does gossip become bullying?

I do hope that makes sense. I'm kind of dreading Monday, wondering if everyone has been gleefully discussing my marital issues in the pub 😄😭

And yes, I know I need to address the fact that family have clearly been gossiping about me too, but I know how to deal with that!

OP posts:
GelatoForMe · 24/10/2025 22:23

WhereDoBrokenHeartsGo · 24/10/2025 21:35

Where is he getting his info from? I’d have a problem with whoever was filling him in on your life.

More nasty mother in law concerns

Catsknowbest · 24/10/2025 22:26

Intentionallyvauge · 24/10/2025 19:58

I know it's just mindless gossip to them and they don't care but isn't that beside the point?

The point is, things that should have remained private have been splashed about as entertainment without my consent. I didn't even know they knew.

Show quote history

I would feel the same, I would report it.

DarkYearForMySoul · 24/10/2025 22:34

I’d suggest following both the HR and one-to-one approaches in parallel

  1. Approach HR to alert them to this issue, request it stay confidential for the moment as you wish to give him the chance to deal with this amicably

  2. Make a meeting with him during the work day, as this is a work issue, to present him with the distress his behaviour has caused. If he refuses to take responsibility let him know this is not a ‘family discussion’ (that can be dealt with outside of work) this is giving him a chance to informally address an issue impacting the workplace. If he still doesn’t play ball let him know you will have to liaise with HR

  3. Get you DH to deal with his family

edited due to typos

whimsicallyprickly · 24/10/2025 22:35

Who has told him this information about you? I suppose a family member at a family gathering. And he has taken family gossip into the workplace and told his colleagues who have spread it further

I would :

Speak to him and find out who told him. Which family member/s

Tell him how hurt you are by this and how it's affecting you professionally

Report it formally to HR as bullying

Speak to / email the family members who originally told him and ask them to stop spreading gossip and inaccurate information

TY78910 · 24/10/2025 23:03

Ahhh this is a tricky one. 100% he should not have put you in this position. However, sharing this with leadership will mean he’ll be having an uncomfortable conversation with them at some point. And whilst I think he totally deserves that - that’s only going to come back to you via your family, so the ‘vague is kicking off at work making Dave out to be a shit stirrer, she’s been over sensitive yada yada’

tragichero · 24/10/2025 23:18

I do think workplace gossip is sadly really common, certainly anywhere I have ever worked.

It does seem awful though that he is in some way part of your family circle, and using info gained from that connection in this malicious,upsetting way.

Not sure if I would report him in the workplace, or to the social connections you share. Possibly both.

TheExcitersblowingupmymind · 24/10/2025 23:53

Mealy82 · 24/10/2025 20:22

If he's a decent person then yes, he'll probably feel quite embarrassed and reflect on his behaviour

Show quote history

If he was a decent person he wouldn't be spreading personal details about op life.
He needs a shock from HR to shut his mouth.

MarshaMel · 25/10/2025 00:06

Who told you @Intentionallyvauge is it someone you trust being genuine?

I think you definitely need to log this with HR as an issue - it’s totally out of order.
Not sure what can be done formally but you need to stop it before it carries on/ gets bigger.

MimiSunshine · 25/10/2025 07:49

I would report to HR, but keep it work based connection rather than “family” if this makes sense.

So you report that you are aware that gossip about your marriage, child at school etc etc (list the specifics) are circulating and coming out of X department.
this is personal and private information that you would never share with colleagues and is distressing you to the point you dread going to work.

you believe this is coming from Bob, the only person who has any knowledge of your private life in that department as he has a tenuous mutual connection to some of your family by marriage.

while you are pleasant to Bob when you see him in the office, he isn’t someone you share personal information with and you are unhappy that he’s now sharing gossip from people he knows, outside of work who also know you.

Wildgoat · 25/10/2025 07:56

I’m really surprised folks saying go to hr. This could be he told one person, who told everyone else, gossip spreads, and hr will not get remotely involved if say during a conversation about someone’s similar issues he mentioned it, personally I find it hugely improbable he is walking round, telling everyone who will listen , gossip about the ops life, she’s not senior, and is unlikely to be someone of such huge importance to them all and to him that this is even remotely likely.

WeightLossGoal2024 · 25/10/2025 08:02

MimiSunshine · 25/10/2025 07:49

I would report to HR, but keep it work based connection rather than “family” if this makes sense.

So you report that you are aware that gossip about your marriage, child at school etc etc (list the specifics) are circulating and coming out of X department.
this is personal and private information that you would never share with colleagues and is distressing you to the point you dread going to work.

you believe this is coming from Bob, the only person who has any knowledge of your private life in that department as he has a tenuous mutual connection to some of your family by marriage.

while you are pleasant to Bob when you see him in the office, he isn’t someone you share personal information with and you are unhappy that he’s now sharing gossip from people he knows, outside of work who also know you.

This

plus speak to your family to ensure no further information is shared

Whyherewego · 25/10/2025 08:08

MimiSunshine · 25/10/2025 07:49

I would report to HR, but keep it work based connection rather than “family” if this makes sense.

So you report that you are aware that gossip about your marriage, child at school etc etc (list the specifics) are circulating and coming out of X department.
this is personal and private information that you would never share with colleagues and is distressing you to the point you dread going to work.

you believe this is coming from Bob, the only person who has any knowledge of your private life in that department as he has a tenuous mutual connection to some of your family by marriage.

while you are pleasant to Bob when you see him in the office, he isn’t someone you share personal information with and you are unhappy that he’s now sharing gossip from people he knows, outside of work who also know you.

I agree this is a good approach. This is causing you distress and anxiety and you did not wish colleagues to know this information.
Explain how this is impacting your work and emphasise how you had not shared this information with anyone at work and therefore you were not expecting this to be discussed in the workplace.
Mention Bob may be the source but probsbly best to not say it was definitely him at this point and let them do the investigation

Brusque · 25/10/2025 08:20

No I hate gossip it’s awful and I’d never do this. YANBU OP

TorroFerney · 25/10/2025 11:04

m00rfarm · 24/10/2025 20:18

You are being completely ridiculous with those comments. No one has the right to spread information about someone else in a workplace. They need to be told that "mindless gossip" is not to be tolerated. How would you like personal information to be shared around your office. Completely unacceptable.

Show quote history

Agree. It’s irrelevant whether the person is upset by it or not isn’t it. It’s not his information to share. I bet the rest of the team think he’s an idiot though,

Chinsupmeloves · 25/10/2025 19:36

Have you spoken to him about it?

Blablibladirladada · 25/10/2025 20:08

personal information shared isn’t gossiping and yes HR would sit the person down and tell him to stop…
but..
would that not make it worse?

If not, just do it. People absolutely wanting to say something so they spill on others are nuisance.

neilyoungismyhero · 25/10/2025 20:21

Personally I'd go into his office and tell him I don't appreciate him tittle tattling my business all over the company especially as half of it comes nowhere near the truth and he should desist otherwise you will be taking it further. That approach is obviously not for everyone but it's what I would do, in front of his audience too.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 25/10/2025 20:36

MimiSunshine · 25/10/2025 07:49

I would report to HR, but keep it work based connection rather than “family” if this makes sense.

So you report that you are aware that gossip about your marriage, child at school etc etc (list the specifics) are circulating and coming out of X department.
this is personal and private information that you would never share with colleagues and is distressing you to the point you dread going to work.

you believe this is coming from Bob, the only person who has any knowledge of your private life in that department as he has a tenuous mutual connection to some of your family by marriage.

while you are pleasant to Bob when you see him in the office, he isn’t someone you share personal information with and you are unhappy that he’s now sharing gossip from people he knows, outside of work who also know you.

I agree with this. I would also emphasise strongly that some of the information is confidential information about a minor and sensitive personal data about your health. You did not consent for any of this to be shared.

Then get your DH to speak to family if you think it would make things better not worse

2021x · 25/10/2025 21:38

Agree with others to report to HR and make it as disscompassionate as you can

  1. People know my personal business
  2. Its coming out of X department
  3. I have a family connection in that department.
  4. This is making it hard to do my job correctly.

Here is hoping in the meantime someone senior to him, points out the information he is sharing makes him look untrustworthy to others.

Rosiedayss · 25/10/2025 23:23

Definitely stress the private medical information of a minor being most upsetting, such a violation of their privacy.

I would drop him in it formally and fxxk the consequences for him.

Retiredfromearlyyears · 26/10/2025 07:29

Tbh. I'd be more concerned an extended family member was discussing you with him. It must be someone close enough for you to have confided in too. 'Keep your own council' within your own extended family for the time being. I would have a word with whoever his immediate boss is an make him aware of the issue and that some of the information being spread about you is in fact, inaccurate. Let this person's boss know that you are giving him a heads up but are still considering going to H.R . If he shares this when talking to your in laws, In law, it may just flush him out and he will come to you and explain him.self. Good luck!

TardisDweller · 26/10/2025 07:36

The thing is, it is very difficult to prove anything in circumstances like this. You being told by another colleague is gossip in itself. You could have it on record with HR that you think this is what's happening, but they can't just take your word on what you've been told. It's all a bit x told y that z told f that g said w is...

Not pleasant and not good, but hard to solve unless you are willing to talk directly to him about it I would think.

Ellie1015 · 26/10/2025 07:42

I would speak to the person directly. Ask them to keep family stuff private.

I would also speak to in laws, explain what has happened and ask them not to share information with their inlaws. While the original conversation may have been out of worry and needing support it has been passed on and spread around work.

rainbowstardrops · 26/10/2025 07:47

What an arse! How would he like it if you were gossiping about his personal life?
I’d raise it with HR and also make it clear to your family, not to gossip about you either!

northernballer · 26/10/2025 07:55

I always judge the person doing the gossip rather than the person being gossiped about, but that aside, I'd ask my boss to have a word with his boss if you feel able to.

Otherwise I'd send an email calling him out as I'm terrible face to face.