Workplace gossip - Do I have a right to complain?

[Intentionallyvauge]

I work for a large company with lots of different departments.

Someone in another department to me is very vaguely connected to me through family. In-law of in-laws, that type of thing. I know his face and name and that's about it. Can't even remember the name of his wife or kids. He passes through my office sometimes and I always say hello, how are you, just pleasantries. I sometimes see him outside of work at extended family events.

This person has heard some information about me through the family grapevine. Pretty personal stuff such as the fact that my daughter is having problems since starting secondary school, that I had a health scare earlier this year, even some of the problems I've had in my marriage.

This has trickled back to me, and I'm really upset that colleagues have heard personal things about me that I haven't chosen to share myself. Some of the information he has shared isn't quite accurate either, or is told from a one-sided viewpoint. It seems he's told his entire department, enough for it to have spread out of his and into mine, anyway.

I feel as though I should bring this up with the person rather than go straight to someone senior, but I'm not really sure where I stand. Is just chatting about someone you know in the workplace OK? at what point is it not? It's not something I would do, but can I really do anything about it?

At what point does it become gossip and and what point does gossip become bullying?

I do hope that makes sense. I'm kind of dreading Monday, wondering if everyone has been gleefully discussing my marital issues in the pub 😄😭

And yes, I know I need to address the fact that family have clearly been gossiping about me too, but I know how to deal with that!

I would go to your manager, or to his manager and complain about him gossiping.
could you make an anonymous complaint and make It sound like someone in his own team is complaining about the fact he’s gossiping about you and they find it very unprofessional and undermining of their trust in him? I only suggest this because of the added difficulty of a complaint coming from you then being fed back through your family…
Christ I would be going absolutely mental at my family for gossiping about me too!….
he shouldn’t have even been privy to this information! I’ve had a couple of fallouts with my mother for this sort of thing… telling her something and asking her to keep it private, next thing I hear is she’s shared it in social media!! and I’m getting a message from someone I barely know offering sympathy! Or I bump into someone we all barely know and they say ‘oh your mum said ………, how are you!? Etc…..
It’s awful and I now deliberately withhold things from my mum which is very sad and isolates me somewhat… in the sense I have to suffer in silence.
if someone was gossiping about not only me, but more over my child’s struggles I would go fkn mental! I don’t think you owe any of them a private chat!!…… a complaint is not only justified but NEEDED!
I would also be addressing my team and telling them that the information they’ve received is not only very unprofessional to be being talked about but is also inaccurate and the source is very clearly not only misinformed but also very out of order!!… No doubt it will filter back the way it came to his team also! This is disgusting behaviour!…. What is he a 12 year old bully in the school playground!!
I hope work give him a formal warning! And warn all colleagues not to spread this shite!

I would take a very serious view of this. Spreading malicious gossip is an offence under the harassment legislation and potentially a criminal offence. I would take the person one one side and give them a thorough dressing down. Unless they apologise and promise to cease this behaviour I would threaten a formal workplace grievance and a Cease and Desist from my solicitor. I can come across as a very scary lady when I need to.

How awful for you. He’s a complete creep and a nasty gossip. He knows full well you work there; any decent grown up would not do that. Definitely HR and don’t give it a second thought. It’s only what he deserves and clearly needs! Unprofessional in the extreme.

This isn’t true. Unless OP works somewhere extremely chaotic/unprofessional, raising it to HR will just shut it down and put the prick on warning.

There's obviously loose lips in the family & this is the result. We had a similar issue where our private business ended up landing back on my daughter at school, I went berserk - this is family who have nothing better to do than gossip to each other - my sister was telling her daughter my business, she was telling her daughter who told her mates at school - stuff I'd only said to her in confidence so I knew where the loose lips were. I haven't spoken to her for 3 years but she'd been doing it for a lot longer before that.

@Intentionallyvauge this is the best advice. You need to talk to him directly, but have a notation with HR. “Bullying” is repeated instances where the person has been told to stop. This is putting him on notice.

Whoever has the connection to the in laws needs to take action about the leak in the family - and unfortunately you will need to cut off the information highway going to this person. How many others in the wider family have been told as well!

If it's not someone you are close to, go straight to HR.

I'd meet with the person doing the gossiping & remind him that personal information is just that, personal & you'd like for him to stop telling others at work your business. If it doesn't stop then go to HR with a complaint. Mention to family who know this person that you're not happy with whoever it is passing on info about you & your marriage & that you'd like for the word to go around to all family & in laws that you'd prefer not to be the centre of anyone's gossip.

I seem to be against the flow of opinion on this one, but I wouldn’t create trouble at work for (even distant) family without giving them the chance to make amends first.
I’d talk to him, family member to family member (since that’s how he knows this stuff about you), and tell him to keep his mouth shut, and that what he’s already spread about you has really hurt your feelings.
I’d expect a profuse apology and reassurance it won’t happen again.

If I didn’t get the reaction I expected, then I’d escalate it to HR.

Good luck! xx

This sounds like the most sensible idea. You are vaguely related to him so it could cause tension within the family if he gets hauled in by HR but what he has done is wrong and he needs to stop immediately. If you give him fair warning and he continues then he deserves whatever comes his way.