Workplace gossip - Do I have a right to complain?

[Intentionallyvauge]

I work for a large company with lots of different departments.

Someone in another department to me is very vaguely connected to me through family. In-law of in-laws, that type of thing. I know his face and name and that's about it. Can't even remember the name of his wife or kids. He passes through my office sometimes and I always say hello, how are you, just pleasantries. I sometimes see him outside of work at extended family events.

This person has heard some information about me through the family grapevine. Pretty personal stuff such as the fact that my daughter is having problems since starting secondary school, that I had a health scare earlier this year, even some of the problems I've had in my marriage.

This has trickled back to me, and I'm really upset that colleagues have heard personal things about me that I haven't chosen to share myself. Some of the information he has shared isn't quite accurate either, or is told from a one-sided viewpoint. It seems he's told his entire department, enough for it to have spread out of his and into mine, anyway.

I feel as though I should bring this up with the person rather than go straight to someone senior, but I'm not really sure where I stand. Is just chatting about someone you know in the workplace OK? at what point is it not? It's not something I would do, but can I really do anything about it?

At what point does it become gossip and and what point does gossip become bullying?

I do hope that makes sense. I'm kind of dreading Monday, wondering if everyone has been gleefully discussing my marital issues in the pub 😄😭

And yes, I know I need to address the fact that family have clearly been gossiping about me too, but I know how to deal with that!

OP, this would be dealt with very firmly by any decent HR dept, in a decent company.
Completely unacceptable.
He needs to be ruthlessly shut down.
I would be appalled if I heard a colleague speaking like that.
Do not concern yourself with any consequences this twat faces.
You are 100% entitled to privacy at work.

Quite!

Think I’d go the formal route. It clearly isn’t an isolated incident. He’s clearly passing on various bits of information regularly which is pretty outrageous.

I would approach him directly at work and say “Will you please stop sharing my business with other people, especially in work when we don’t really know each other” (Mainly because I’m not afraid of being direct/assertive and I’m not scared of confrontation). Hopefully it will embarrass him and he’ll think twice next time.

However, if you’re not comfortable with that then definitely bring it up to your line manager in your next 1:1 and get some advice from your HR department/People team.

I would also have a good chat with your partner/husband and make it clear that to
not share personal things we don’t want others to know with anyone else since there’s clearly a gossip and a blabber mouth in the family.

I would also approach him directly first, if you feel it’s possible. Office gossip can easily get totally out of hand.

Hmmmm, sorry OP but if your reasons are "He'll realise the error of his ways, because he'll know I'm hurt" then I think it's a bit misguided. Clearly he's a prick, and people do know when they're gossipping and being unkind. Lots of people genuinely don't care whether they're nasty or not. If you go to HR, it sends more of a message of "I'm not standing for this - I'll make trouble for you, if you make trouble for me". Nothing wrong with that at all, but just so you know how it comes across x

I’d hate to have to do it, but I think it would be best for you to approach him directly. I can only think of it being weirder and more awkward to ask hr to do it. I would hope that he’d reflect on it and apologise. I suppose he might deny it and claim it had got nothing to do with him. Is there any way at all it could be from somewhere else? Any friends / people with children who know yours?

I would want to know how it’s being relayed around the family, I’m not saying the workplace chat is ok but that would be what would really be grinding my gears.

He’s a prick. You know this because he’s behaved like one.
you’re not going to cure him of being a prick by getting his boss or HR to point it out to him. In this history of humanity this has sadly never happened.
what will happen is that he’ll be pissed off and he’ll be unlikely to do it again.
im sorry this happened. It sounds horrible. But I’m afraid I think your expectations (of him becoming a reformed character) are a bit naive.

Huh? She’s not.

Someone in her family is gossiping about her to this man. He is spreading it to colleagues not her.

It's 100% come from this person.

My children are far too young to even comprehend the nature of the stuff he's gossiped about and go to school in another town.

There's other specifics too that just make it obvious

I strongly recommend you go to HR and make sure that this gossip reflects badly on him, and his career - and not on you. He is trying to demean you - not that it matters, but is there any reason for him to feel threatened by your abilities in the workplace? Don’t deal with this personally; think about how he has dealt with your personal matters, by splashing them across your workplace, and do not give him the benefit of the doubt. Only HR can damage him sufficiently to make him think twice, so involve them now.

Yes, this!

This is a family member gossiping about you
I would talk to him and tell him to stop

but also ask family members not to be spreading personal stuff down the line to distant relatives.

Let’s appreciate that he heard it all first from a relative. So they all need to stop the gossiping

This is something that needs to go straight to HR, IMO.

He's been incredibly unprofessional and it needs dealing with ASAP.

I really think you should drop in an urgent email over the weekend and then speak to in-laws because this kind of crap can ruin a person's reputation at work AND they shouldn't be fucking gossiping about you!

Stand up for yourself, OP!

No informal chats, this is affecting your professional life. Straight to HR.

Id also speak ro him, raising a complaint is going to have everyone knowing, like the Barbara Streisand picture, where she want crazy over a pic of her house and took legal action, meaning it became interesting and went viral, where as no one gave a shit before.

sure it should be confidential but it never is. Everyone will be talking about you and then some and think the gossip is major.

if you’re sure it’s him, and he may have told one person in passing, although I can’t see why, then I’d speak to him about it as my first step.

Where is he getting his info from? I’d have a problem with whoever was filling him in on your life.

I think how you approach this is going to come down to what the other people in your workplace are like and what you want to achieve. I work in a school where gossip spreads like wildfire. A colleague in a similar position to you has been the subject of gossip since before the summer holidays and when she discovered and denied it the gossip escalated. Slightly different situation as she was denying it and her denial only caused some others to doubt her more as they felt she’d protested too strongly 🙄. She also has a distant male relative in school and he’s added to the gossip that is circulating despite being off sick!

It’s an awful situation for you to be in but I’d think carefully before taking action.

HR then.. because this makes it hard to do your job comfortably..

I'd go straight to HR first thing on Monday, make sure you use the words "causing distress", they need to know this isn't you just complaining about tittle tattle, but that his spreading of your personal information around the entire workforce is actually having a negative and distressing impact on you.

It’s not clever…he’s an arsehole… but this isn’t bullying! Why has this word become the norm for something people don’t like?

I expect there is a possibility that he will probably deny saying anything about you. This is what happened to me when I had words with someone I knew had been gossiping about me.

Agreed, involving your minor children is particularly distasteful.
I would be very upset at this.

I've had similar , someone senior to me recognised my husband from before he was married to me (his first wife died) and spread some absolutely vile gossip. You have to take this to HR. The person in my case was a very senior manager to me but still ended up in a disciplinary because they also shared the information widely by email.

two things: your mother in law is the bitch here.
I always decorate what I say to colleagues so it is not the exact reality but still some materials for some chat with laugh