Marriages don’t last anymore because..

[PictureImperfect]

Had a debate with an colleague about why divorce seems so much more common now.

They said that in past generations, couples stayed together because they wanted to work through things and were more committed to making relationships last. I said I think it’s mainly because women have more freedom and independence now. Yes, most of the childcare still falls on women, but that was even more true in the past. Back then, loads of women didn’t have the opportunity to work full time and build careers like their husbands, so they relied on them for financial stability. Now that women can provide their own stability, they’re simply less likely to tolerate an unhappy marriage.

To me, that just seems like basic common sense but my colleague laughed and said I was completely wrong. According to them, people today just can’t be bothered to put in the effort and treat relationships as disposable. They also scoffed when I said women still don’t have the same opportunities as men.

It’s had me thinking, I honestly thought this was just obvious, but now I’m wondering what others think. AIBU, or is my colleague?

People just "can't be bothered" with their marriages like they used to? What, human nature just sort of spontaneously changed? That makes about as much sense as the idea that the obesity rate keeps going up because the entire population got greedier and lazier (which just happened to everyone at once, but is also entirely within everyone's control, and the solution is for them to all stop being greedy and lazy). Your friend just doesn't sound very bright, really - s/he clearly hasn't actually really thought about this at all. Sound like someone who runs on prejudices and assumptions and never really thinks about anything at all.

Yes, I think part of the reason is that being single no longer has to mean destitution for women. Try asking your dim acquaintance why they think three-quarters of divorces are instigated by women.

I think another important factor is the general acceptance of serial monogamy, premarital sex and living together without being married (people used to pretend it was all about morality, but the fact is that as soon as we had the pill, attitudes changed fast). I mean, if leaving your spouse meant never having sex again, perhaps a lot of people would be slower to do it.

Saying cohabitation is less stable than marriage makes no sense as it’s a self selecting sample. A lot of married couples see cohabitation as a first step to assess long term compatibility. And more than a few will realise they are actually not suited long term and split.

Almost nobody is going to marry as a “first step” to commitment and to assess long term suitability.

So of course, on paper, marriage is more stable.

This!!!

”Oh people aren’t willing to compromise!”

Lucky you - you have a spouse willing to compromise and work with you. What if you don’t?!

One of my friends is ex police and the same happened to her. As for mothers working part time, that’s their choice. The comment men are always hired as they are the best person for the job can be true in some instances. My husband was looking to employ a senior leader. A woman stood head and shoulders above all other candidates and as per equality etc he never asked about children etc. She assured him that overseas travel etc at short notice wouldn’t be an issue. He offered her the job. Once employed this became a huge issue. She was required to go away for 3 weeks (with a week’s notice) which she said as a mother she couldn’t as she didn’t want to leave her young child for that long. He asked if the child would be with his dad and she said yes, that wasn’t the issue. The issue was she didn’t want to be away that long. She resigned and she was replaced by a man. Some women don’t do themselves any favours.

Well, exactly. My DC were older teens when everything went tits up, and what they have learned is that it is possible to walk away from a marriage and for things to be better afterwards. They have learned that it is possible to live in a peaceful, stable, happy household where nobody is drunk, shouty and threatening. They have also learned that you don't need a man or a relationship to be happy because I have stayed single - and will continue to be so. There are so many post-marriage models that it really isn't necessary to focus on the 'single mum with five kids by five dads' trope.

I often hear misogynists say this and it’s so confusing.

Most of the women I know live off neither the state nor a husband. We have jobs.

Do we not exist as women? Are we unwoman? A new sex class not previously identified? What should our pronouns be if we are no longer women?

My nan never remarried after her divorce (she never wanted to live with a man again.)

My parents split after 10 years together. My dad has been with his partner for just over 30 years and my mother with my step-dad for almost 30.

I mean - look at the king!

I also wish my parents had split a lot earlier. I learned good things about their split but bad things from their relationship.

@Growlybear83

Not at all. People need to work hard to have successful and happy marriages. If they’re not prepared to commit to doing that, I don’t see the point in getting married.

Well, full disclosure I don't see the point of getting married, so maybe not qualified to comment.

But I've always thought the idea of "working hard" at marriage is a bit of an oxymoron? A marriage isn't meant to be hard work. It's meant to be supportive, fun, interesting. If I want "hard work" I'll go out and earn money.

Of course all marriages have ups and downs and you can't expect it to be sunshine and rainbows all the time. But if the duration of the marriage takes on this enormous importance such that is greater than the happiness of the two people involved in it then it it seems to me its outlived its use?

Put simply, a marriage is a great thing when it works, its a nightmare when it doesn't work. Keeping a dead marriage going out of a sense of duty seems the height of futility to me.

I think you’ve missed my point a bit here. Saying ‘some women don’t do themselves any favours’ is quite a sexist take and ignores the bigger picture. Women are socialised from a young age to be the primary caregivers, so of course they feel conflicted about leaving their kids for weeks at a time. If the same expectations were placed on men, from an early age, a lot of them would feel exactly the same.

The problem isn’t that women cant hack senior roles, it’s that workplaces are still built around old assumptions that there’s someone at home taking care of everything else. Companies could easily navigate this by rethinking which travel is genuinely essential, or sharing travel responsibilities between leaders.

And honestly, if we did put the same expectation on dads and they felt comfortable to start saying ‘I can’t be away from my kids for that long’ without anyone raising an eyebrow, this stops being a gender issue and just becomes normal work life balance. It’s not women who need to change, it’s the system.

To build on my previous post, I’ll give you an example.

The company I work for is headquartered in London and requires the CEO to live there. We had a woman CEO who moved over from Germany, and the amount of times I heard people question how she could move away from her kids was ridiculous, and believe me, it was frequent, because I challenged it every time I heard it. Needless to say, when she moved on and was replaced by a man from the US, I never once heard anyone question how he could have left his children in the US.

There are different expectations placed on mothers from the outset, so it’s no wonder they succumb to the pressure of ‘mum guilt’ more easily.

What a bizarre response. Why all the strawmen arguments?

I’m struggling to understand why the response is bizarre. I think a valid point has been made.

I also still don’t understand how women are meant to be making these excellent choices in partners? Perhaps even more should stay single and childfree?

I think this is a horribly antiquated view of divorce.

I agree with some of what you’re saying in that women are expected to be the primary caregivers and maybe that’s what needs to change. Of course women can hack senior roles. My husband has 3 in his team and they’re perfectly fine with travel. It’s part & parcel of their role working for a global organisation that requires project managers to be on site. At the end of the day, male or female you’re getting paid to do a job and it’s not unreasonable for employers to expect employees to be able to fulfil their obligations and any childcare issues is not the employers problem. If everyone said (dad’s included) that they can’t be away from their children for that long who picks up the slack when the client requires you to be there. It’s unreasonable to expect that to fall on those with no children at home.

EXACTLY!

expecting more than someone earns an income, who mows the lawn and who doesn't beat you.
If you have had kids, then I do feel this is perfectly adequate to settle for until they are adults.

Abuse is different entirely. I wish there were far more serious legal and social penalties for abuse.

Its a lot easier to divorce nowadays, years ago women were trapped with children and a shortage of money. There was also the stigma of being divorced and children coming from divorced parents.

I remember women being told if they were unhappy that “they had made their bed so had to lie in it”.

I do agree that attitudes need to change but how we make this happen I’ve no idea and I say that as someone who gave up their career when they had their children so that my husband could build his.

To answer the question, I think the reason for the high divorce rate (about 43% or similar for first marriages, I think) is because men have not adapted in line with societal changes. Women have many more choices these days and many don't want to do the lion's share of the housework, childcare, and life management on top of working. They don't want that sexist set-up, and they realise that to give up work makes them really vulnerable. Meanwhile, the gains made in getting men to do their fair share at home are small and have been won at a snail's pace, and in 2025, women still do significantly more, even as we work - often full-time.

Women do not want to do everything, and men won't step up, and here we are.

I divorced my husband because I was expected to have two full time jobs and he simply would not change, no matter how many rows we had.

i think a lot of women are sick of working full time and carrying everything at home too.

This perfectly

We posted pretty much the same thing at the same time!

I think the divorce rate will continue to be high until society reaches a point where marriages are more or less equal partnerships.

Nobody wants to do all the gruntwork, or work themselves into the ground, but men haven't worked that out yet, the Neanderthals.

Where does he think all the men being prevented from being SAHDs are hiding?

Better that than choosing an obviously unsuitable man and having children with him.

Brilliant!