To keep my toddler away from ex

[gratefulmumm]

In a nutshell - I'm divorced but living with my new partner of 3 years - I have a son with my ex and a toddler with my new partner. A couple of evenings a week my ex comes to pick up my eldest.. when he's leaving he will get shoes on, coat etc and my ex and I will talk admin re our son.. my toddler follows me everywhere at the moment and will follow me to the door when this all takes place . My current partner has voiced that he doesn't want our toddler having any kind of relationship with my ex even chatting or saying hello (there has never been anything untoward with my ex he just doesn't want them to have a relationship. My partner wants me to keep the toddler away from my ex and the door.. so I spend most of my time saying goodbye to my eldest trying to remove my toddler who just
runs back every time.

Meanwhile my ex is in the kitchen listening and if I don't successfully manage to keep him away I get looks or comments..

I find it very hard and quite stressful to keep my toddler away while also saying goodbye to my son. My partner doesn't think it's unreasonable and thinks it's something he's asked of me to show my loyalty to him. AIBU?

Your partner is being rediculous and controlling. Sounds like he doesn't want you to talk to your ex, because if it was about the toddler he'd just watch the toddler himself rather than being mad in the kitchen. It's not fair to your older child.

How ridiculous of your partner. I definitely wouldn't be having that kind of behaviour.
We're a blended family and my little ones have a great relationship with the dad of my older two. He buys them birthday and Christmas presents and has even helped with childcare. He even had a relationship with my step daughter who is not blood related to our children. My partner has never had an issue. It's about the children at the end of the day. They are the ones who suffer in this kind of scenario. It's controlling behaviour and I don't think I could stay in a relationship like that.

Then he can get up off his lazy, abusive arse and take your toddler elsewhere.

Your partner needs to deal with his jealousy/control issues. You are in couples therapy so I guess he knows that.

Your therapist sounds shit by the way, I would look for a new one!

When your partner chose to bring a child into the world with a woman who was already a mother, he chose a connection, indirectly, with that child's father. Your ex will always be in your life and your son's life, so to a degree he will always be in your partner's life.

If your partner can't accept that, I wouldn't stay with him personally.

Unless there is some huge backstory you’re not mentioning (and I think that’s unlikely since it doesn’t sound like you have any issue with your eldest seeing your ex, so it doesn’t sound like there’s anything hugely risky about him/any safeguarding issues), your partner is being totally unreasonable.

Your partner is weird! My ex has met my 3 yo twins I have with my fiancée and his girlfriend held them.

Thanks for responding. So in which case it sounds like he is exercising this control through jealousy. Is he jealous of your relationship with your ex? You need to sit down and tell him that he needs separate therapy to deal with his jealousy because otherwise it is going to impact on the children further on down the line... and already is... as you say, the younger one will notice he is being kept away the older that he gets, and that's confusing at best and cruel at worst. If you want your children to have a good relationship growing up then your ex is going to have contact with your youngest at certain points in time - and his half-brother will talk to him about visits with his own dad, because siblings share. This behaviour could get in the way of the relationship between your two boys and that is unacceptable. Tell your partner this - FIRMLY. I wish you well.

How would you current partner feel if your ex said that he didn't want your older child to have any sort of relationship with him? He is being very childish and controlling and making things difficult for you.

so if he wants your toddler kept away from the doorway when your eldest leaves and your ex is at the door, why isnt your partner keeping toddler away? Distracting him with food or games or something? He sounds strange laying down impractical rules whilst he lurks in the kitchen to spy on whats going on. He also sounds insecure. He also sounds like he is threatened by cordial relations with your ex. He needs to grow up. Id give him the job of distracting your toddler in the background whilst the handovers take place so you can focus on your son during the handover. If he wont do that then the toddler comes iwth you to do the door - he probably also wants to say goodbye to big brother !

Tell your partner that your toddler is going to be very confused that his brother goes with someone he’s not allowed to see or talk to. to This will cause problems for the boys relationship. Your partner is being silly and putting his jealousy ahead of the boys well being.

Thank you so much, @Arlanymor — absolutely agree. I’m really grateful for all the replies here that have helped articulate the many reasons this behaviour isn’t okay, especially the impact it could have on the boys. Hearing these perspectives has been so helpful — it’s given me a clearer sense of how to approach this with him in future and, hopefully, to help him see how potentially hurtful and damaging it could be for them. X

Can I ask why you’re having couples therapy? That sounds like a red flag in itself but we don’t know the context.

I agree with everyone who says your partner is being controlling and that his behaviour is a really bad example for both children. I’d seriously consider your future with this man before he causes them some serious emotional damage. Your relationship with your ex speaks volumes about the kind of person you are - mature, kind, thoughtful, reasonable - and your partner sounds like he is none of these things. I can’t help thinking you deserve better.

Tell him to grow up or help with the baby while you are saying bye to your elder son.
What a horrible way to be and to make you feel this way.
He is immature needs to grow up .

And he thinks this will work forever?? He’s not too smart is he.

This unreasonable

I agree with other comments, your partner is being unrealistic and unreasonable. If he doesn't want his child having any kind of relationship with your eldest's Dad, then he looks after him, when you ex collects your eldest. Why is he expecting you to manage your eldest leaving, his Dad and your toddler, all at the same time?! You will be co-parenting for many years yet, and even once your son becomes an adult. Your partner needs to get a grip, and get over his petty jealousy.

How strange, why put the extra stress on you?

You're welcome lovely. Am sorry you're experiencing this, but it sounds very positive that you have a clearer sense of how to speak to him. Wishing you lots of strength - you are being a brilliant mum by the way.

If your dp doesnt want the toddler at the door then he should bloody keep hold of the toddler

This!

The children are brothers. Your current partner is a nasty piece of work who is causing division and problems .

This.

Your new DP is being a knob. What he really means is he doesn't want your ex at the house at all, and he thinks by saying he doesn't want the toddler seeing him, you will get rid of your ex sooner.

Well, tough. If it's your (jointly owned or otherwise) house, and your ds is getting his shoes and coat on, you are entitled to speak to your ex while he collects his son.

if you are able to maintain a cordial relationship, that benefits everyone.

Having him say hello isnt a problem, its not like he is going anywhere with him. I dont get it.

Well why doesn't he hold his child then ?

As long as your ex poses no risk to your toddler, and both you and your ex are civil at pick ups and drops offs then your partner is being very unreasonable. If ex poses a risk or interactions are likely to become nasty then I'd understand as I have felt the same when my SD's mum and grandad are nasty during interactions and have been nasty about our daughter having disabilities but you haven't said theres anything like that going on so I have to assume theres not.

Your older child will be picking up that his mum's boyfriend doesn't like his Dad and doesn't bother to hide it which will be having an emotional impact on him.