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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep my toddler away from ex

104 replies

gratefulmumm · 23/10/2025 14:01

In a nutshell - I'm divorced but living with my new partner of 3 years - I have a son with my ex and a toddler with my new partner. A couple of evenings a week my ex comes to pick up my eldest.. when he's leaving he will get shoes on, coat etc and my ex and I will talk admin re our son.. my toddler follows me everywhere at the moment and will follow me to the door when this all takes place . My current partner has voiced that he doesn't want our toddler having any kind of relationship with my ex even chatting or saying hello (there has never been anything untoward with my ex he just doesn't want them to have a relationship. My partner wants me to keep the toddler away from my ex and the door.. so I spend most of my time saying goodbye to my eldest trying to remove my toddler who just
runs back every time.

Meanwhile my ex is in the kitchen listening and if I don't successfully manage to keep him away I get looks or comments..

I find it very hard and quite stressful to keep my toddler away while also saying goodbye to my son. My partner doesn't think it's unreasonable and thinks it's something he's asked of me to show my loyalty to him. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
gratefulmumm · 23/10/2025 18:35

Thankyou everyone for your replies.

When my ex knocks on the door I usually give the baby to my partner and then go to help my son and help him out etc.. The baby will then usually come running up and I make some excuse as to why I'm removing him 'oh it's so cold let's get you inside' and then take him back to my partner, it's all so akward....

I agree with everyone's comments. It's interesting to read a few of you think it's a way of him stopping me talking to my ex ... it makes sense.

He brought it up in couples therapy today and I said exactly what you are all saying..that if he has a problem with it then he needs to take the baby and play with him upstairs. The couple therapist suggested I put the baby in the other room and let him cry as I deal with my eldest!!?!!

Thankyou so much for your feedback though.:, reading these comments helps me have a little more confidence to stand my ground. X

OP posts:
Anxietybummer · 23/10/2025 18:37

Bloody hell OP. My toddler chats to the Evri courier and the Ocado delivery driver… doesn’t mean they have a fucking relationship.
He’s a controlling twat!

redjeans28 · 23/10/2025 18:43

The couple therapist suggested I put the baby in the other room and let him cry as I deal with my eldest!!?!!

Is your therapist a man. Either way, get a new therapist.

Sunfloweranddaisy · 23/10/2025 18:45

Sorry but you are seeing a couples therapist after 3 years seems to be a red flag.
Also what the therapist suggests is wrong and is basically saying your partner is right to think how he does.

I would be leaving your partner he sounds controlling. You also need to set an example to your oldest child who will pick up on the situation.

SideshowItchy · 23/10/2025 18:46

Spicynoodlesheal · 23/10/2025 14:03

Your partner is unreasonable and quite controlling.

Yup

If he doesn't like it, well gosh, he could keep hold of the toddler while youre sorting other dc

And hes a twat

Coffeeishot · 23/10/2025 18:47

Yes it is absolutely fine for your toddlers dad to deal with them, and if the toddler whinges that is also fine. Im assuming there is other issues in the relationship if you are in therapy.

Pollqueen · 23/10/2025 18:47

redjeans28 · 23/10/2025 18:43

The couple therapist suggested I put the baby in the other room and let him cry as I deal with my eldest!!?!!

Is your therapist a man. Either way, get a new therapist.

This. What a weird thing to say. I think I'd be looking for another therapist

As for your DP's behaviour, I have nothing to add that hasn't been said already

Coffeeishot · 23/10/2025 18:48

Did. The therapist mean they should be in another with their dad ?

SideshowItchy · 23/10/2025 18:49

The couple therapist suggested I put the baby in the other room

Fucking hell

SL2924 · 23/10/2025 18:49

If you’re in couples therapy after 3 years I think you need to cut your losses and end this relationship. Red flags all round and your boyfriend is effectively engineering a situation to then berate you about. It’s really fucked up.

outerspacepotato · 23/10/2025 18:50

The couple therapist suggested I put the baby in the other room and let him cry as I deal with my eldest!!?!!

Sorry, but your couples therapist is ridiculous unless there's some history of physical violence on your ex's part towards you. This is not healthy at all.

Why would there be any problem with you holding your 3 month old during visitation handover? You have a family. Your ex knows it. Your partner was obviously around, did he have a problem with you co-parenting before?

This is part of blending a family. Your older son doesn't exist in a vacuum. Your partner's actions are going to cause a rift between you and your older son and your son and your baby if you don't stop this immediately.

CC222 · 23/10/2025 18:51

Why shouldn’t your toddler have any interaction with his brothers dad?! Weird controlling behaviour of your partner… And all it will do eventually is exclude your older son if he has to hide away with his own dad and not feel like he can be in the same room as his dad and brother together. Very strange. Your older son’s dad has to accept that another man is living with his own son. So why can’t your younger sons dad accept that there is also another man that is part of the wider family unit?

Comeonbabylightmyfire · 23/10/2025 18:55

Your partner needs to parent his child rather than get jealous of your ex.

He sounds like a knob.

QuickPeachPoet · 23/10/2025 19:01

Major red flags.
The one you need to be keeping your younger child away from is not your ex...

Arlanymor · 23/10/2025 19:02

And maybe the toddler wants to be there to say goodbye to his brother as he knows he won't see him for a bit - even if he doesn't articulate that fact given his age. So preventing him from doing that is really unfair, poor mite.

ThatGentleCoralCat · 23/10/2025 19:18

I personally wouldn't want my DC to have any contact with my partner's ex but that's because she's incredibly abusive and can't behave like a civil grown up in front of even her own children...assuming that isn't the case here OP then I'm afraid your partner sounds like a walking giant red flag and incredibly controlling. How does he treat your eldest DC?

notatinydancer · 23/10/2025 20:21

Your partner is a dick. If he’s that worried he needs to keep the toddler with him not let him run to you. Saying that, I wouldn’t put up with this bullshit.

BBKP · 23/10/2025 20:29

Why is it only your responsibility to keep your toddler away from him? He has set the restriction, you’re busy getting your other child ready. How is he with your other child?
Also if your couples therapist hasn’t called him out on this, I suggest you find a new one. But FYI therapy and mediation does not work when one party is abusive.

grumpygrape · 23/10/2025 20:43

I’d get rid of the partner and the therapist.

SaltyCara · 23/10/2025 21:24

OP, if is never advised for a couple to have therapy together if there is abusive behaviour in the relationship. Your partner is using therapy to continue to abuse you. Any decent therapist would be advising you to leave such a controlling man, not explaining to you ways in which you can submit to his control! Abusive people manipulate therapists. Stop going. Pursue individual therapy.

Original poster
gratefulmumm · 23/10/2025 22:05

@Arlanymor I agree and pulling him away from the door will get harder to explain to him as he gets older. My partner is always every good when my eldest mentions his dad and says nice things about him.

@ThatGentleCoralCat he treats DC very well and they have a good relationship. He just has an issue with DC's dad.

OP posts:
PashaMinaMio · 23/10/2025 22:12

notatinydancer · 23/10/2025 20:21

Your partner is a dick. If he’s that worried he needs to keep the toddler with him not let him run to you. Saying that, I wouldn’t put up with this bullshit.

Edited

I second that.
Hes being pathetic. Silly childish controlling knob.

WilfredsPies · 23/10/2025 22:34

There is something fundamentally very wrong with your partner. A fucking loyalty test? That’s not normal. Does he ask you to show your loyalty in any other ways?

And you need a different counsellor, and I’d make a formal complaint about them if they work for an organisation rather than being self employed. They are facilitating his controlling behaviour by giving you suggestions on how to do what he wants, rather than telling him he needs individual counselling because he’s got control issues.

WilfredsPies · 23/10/2025 22:39

He brought it up in couples therapy today and I said exactly what you are all saying..that if he has a problem with it then he needs to take the baby and play with him upstairs. No, if he has a problem with it, he needs individual counselling to address his control issues and he needs to move out until he’s fixed himself. This is seriously worrying behaviour.

TheExcitersblowingupmymind · 23/10/2025 23:49

Your partner is a nut and has serious jealousy issues and control freak behaviour.