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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep my toddler away from ex

104 replies

gratefulmumm · 23/10/2025 14:01

In a nutshell - I'm divorced but living with my new partner of 3 years - I have a son with my ex and a toddler with my new partner. A couple of evenings a week my ex comes to pick up my eldest.. when he's leaving he will get shoes on, coat etc and my ex and I will talk admin re our son.. my toddler follows me everywhere at the moment and will follow me to the door when this all takes place . My current partner has voiced that he doesn't want our toddler having any kind of relationship with my ex even chatting or saying hello (there has never been anything untoward with my ex he just doesn't want them to have a relationship. My partner wants me to keep the toddler away from my ex and the door.. so I spend most of my time saying goodbye to my eldest trying to remove my toddler who just
runs back every time.

Meanwhile my ex is in the kitchen listening and if I don't successfully manage to keep him away I get looks or comments..

I find it very hard and quite stressful to keep my toddler away while also saying goodbye to my son. My partner doesn't think it's unreasonable and thinks it's something he's asked of me to show my loyalty to him. AIBU?

OP posts:

arcticpandas · 23/10/2025 14:22

Tell your partner he's being unreasonable. Your ex has no interest in your toddler and if he wants to keep toddler away he deals with it.

katieDidIt14 · 23/10/2025 14:26

So, your current partner won’t entertain your toddler whilst handover happens? Could this be because you would then have more uninterrupted time with your ex at handover? Control right there. That red flag is flying higher than The International Space Station.

TheatricalLife · 23/10/2025 14:28

It has nothing to do with the ridiculous toddler/ex relationship thing. It's a red herring. He's using that as an excuse for what he's really trying to do which is stop you talking to your ex. The more he kicks off about the "issue" the less likely you are to stand at the door chatting. That's where he is really going with the loyalty comment. Basically, if he could piss up your leg to scent mark you before you opened the door, he would. He wants the toddler to run up to you so he can whinge about it which is why he doesn't bother to restrain him from doing so.
He's jealous, controlling and manipulative and also insecure.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 23/10/2025 14:32

You would BU to make a perfectly workable arrangement uncomfortable for your eldest DC, your ex and yourself on the say so of a utterly unreasonable, controlling man.

Red flag central.

CrispieCake · 23/10/2025 14:33

I would tell your partner he's welcome to keep your toddler away from your ex if he feels strongly about it for whatever reason.

Mauvehoodie · 23/10/2025 14:33

This is very weird. I'm in a similar situation and my ex will say hi and interact a bit with my small DD when he collects DS. My DP isn't bothered at all.

Assuming your ex isn't a danger of any sort I think your DP is being VU and controlling. And if it's such an issue why doesn't he grab your toddler and distract them when your ex is there?

Coffeeishot · 23/10/2025 14:33

Spicynoodlesheal · 23/10/2025 14:03

Your partner is unreasonable and quite controlling.

Absolutely this, your Ex is being chatty and light with your toddler no harm seems intended. Your partner wants you to be more interested in the youngest than seeing your son off.

Tassielassie · 23/10/2025 14:35

Your partner is manipulative, controlling and setting you up for failure.
You need to talk to Women's aid.
How is this affecting your older child, you having a prick for a new partner?

Purplecatshopaholic · 23/10/2025 14:36

In a nutshell… your partner is being a controlling dick. If he’s that bothered about keeping your toddler away he should be looking after him….

Ratafia · 23/10/2025 14:41

Why on earth does your partner just lurk around instead of taking the toddler into another room if he feels that strongly?

Tell him that if he doesn't want your ex to see your toddler, then it's down to him to look after toddler. Also tell him that you're not engaging with childish loyalty tests and that he should grow the fuck up.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 23/10/2025 14:44

Why on earth does your partner just lurk around instead of taking the toddler into another room if he feels that strongly?

Because he's settling the OP up to fail his outrageous rules so that he can be cross with her. In order to keep him happy and keep the peace, she won't do it again and he gets what he wants. Control.

DaisyChain505 · 23/10/2025 14:48

Your partner needs to grow the hell up.

Whats more important in every situation like this is the children and both of your children should be able to see all of their parents being respectful and nice to each other and no child should have to feel like they can’t speak to their siblings parents because their own parent won’t like it.

Put your foot down and tell your partner to swallow his immature feelings and put the children first.

Ratafia · 23/10/2025 14:53

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 23/10/2025 14:44

Why on earth does your partner just lurk around instead of taking the toddler into another room if he feels that strongly?

Because he's settling the OP up to fail his outrageous rules so that he can be cross with her. In order to keep him happy and keep the peace, she won't do it again and he gets what he wants. Control.

Edited

Actually, `I suspect he's desperate to listen into OP's conversations with her ex and doesn't want the toddler making it difficult for him to hear, whether toddler is with him or OP. Pathetic, really.

pjani · 23/10/2025 14:54

I feel it's really sad that you're even contemplating this - this is your son's father.

Fathers matter to their children. Whatever you chose will have massive repercussions for your son, and if your son's father is 'good enough' (as we none of us are perfect, and should aim to be 'good enough', I don't mean that as a slight, then the relationship your son has with his father is one of the most meaningful he will have in his whole life.

I'm not understating things to say he might be thinking of his relationship with his father on his deathbed. That is how important it is! We all think of our parents, and our relationships with them, our whole lives.

JoemarIerseyes · 23/10/2025 14:56

He is being controlling toward you and you need to stop him now or it will become the way of life, and make it difficult for you. I speak from experience.
He can care for toddler while you get your oldest ready at the door can't he? He would rather hear you being conforming and 'good' and this is completely controlling. Cunt.

MyNeedyLilacBird · 23/10/2025 15:01

This is an extremely worrying red flag. Quite frankly i wouldn't be putting up with it either, your partner sounds very controlling. Is this new behaviour or has he always been like this? How does he treat your older son? Honestly if it continues I'd be out the door.

Arlanymor · 23/10/2025 15:12

MyNeedyLilacBird · 23/10/2025 15:01

Actually the point about the older son is a good one. How does your partner response when the son mentions his dad? Is he encouraging and pleasant? Or does try to change the subject and leave the room? The latter tells you all that you need to know and is damaging to your elder child.

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/10/2025 15:14

Fuck me. It’s so depressing how many of these threads appear daily. Insecure, controlling men. I’ll say what I say every time 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

SaltyCara · 23/10/2025 16:42

My partner doesn't think it's unreasonable and thinks it's something he's asked of me to show my loyalty to him.

Your partner is a parade of red flags - he's unreasonable, he's controlling, he's setting you up to fail (why is he not taking the toddler if it's that important to him?), he's putting his ego ahead of the best interests of the children.

In the absence of abuse on the part of your ex it would be sensible and adult and functional and kind and helpful for ALL of the parents to try their best to be cordial and polite with one another. Imagine graduations, weddings, baptisms, significant birthdays. Your poor eldest won't ever be able to expect his stepfather and father to have a mutually respectful, grown up relationship.

As an aside, I find the way your partner thinks of you and your joint child as extensions of himself to be really, really alarming. I don't think he thinks you are real people, he thinks you only exist in relation to how you reflect on him. Have you read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft?

outerspacepotato · 23/10/2025 16:52

Why does your partner need shows of loyalty? That's absurd in a healthy relationship.

Yours isn't. Seconding for you to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, freely available online.

Your son's dad will always be part of his life and that connection is vital to your son's wellbeing. It's unreasonable to expect otherwise. Your partner knew this and chose to have a child with you. Is he trying to move the goalposts now that he thinks you're stuck with a young baby?

MannersAreAll · 23/10/2025 16:58

Meanwhile my ex is in the kitchen listening and if I don't successfully manage to keep him away I get looks or comments..

If your partner wants your toddler kept away from the situation (which is an entirely normal situation for a nosey toddler to want to be part of!) then he should get off his arse and look after him.

Of course he isn't actually bothered about that - if he was he'd get involved - he's just using it to have a go at you. Which is a massive red flag.

Might be worth trying to think of there are any other examples of behaviours which seem random, but actually are red flags for controlling behaviour.

QueenClinomania · 23/10/2025 16:59

Your partner is a walking red flag.
Being with him will not end well for you.

Goingbonkers247 · 23/10/2025 17:43

Your boyfriend is being an idiot. he can come get his toddler so he's not bothering you at the door.
My son's dad drops him at the door and doesn't get out the car, waits till he's in and leaves and visa versa when I drop son to his dad.
My step daughter talks to my sons father when he's on the phone with him but she is a busy body who needs to be centre of attention all the time. lol both kids are 11/12 now.

ColinOfficeTrolley · 23/10/2025 17:45

Your partner is a prick.

Zempy · 23/10/2025 17:52

Badgersandfoxes · 23/10/2025 14:03

Well if he feels so strongly he can come get his toddler instead of standing there doing nothing.

Exactly!!!

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