ADHD!! What would you do??

[justabitnuts]

Me and my partner have been communicating with the school and my ds9 is on waiting to be assessed for ADHD.
We have not told him, I don’t know if this is the right thing to do, but we feel as a family it would be best to wait for the assessment and then tell him if he does or not,
he came home today asking me if I have heard or “ADHD” I said yes and asked him why, he replied “the teacher said I might have it.
iv had to have a quick conversation with him that I am not ready or prepared for, before I go off to work…
now, I understand she might not know we haven't told him, however aibu to be absolutely fuming? Would you be?

How was the teacher supposed to know you had not mentioned this to your DC unless you had told them?

I would try and see her point of view. She was probably trying to help him understand that his behaviour wasn’t his fault. Maybe talk to your child from the point of view that he has areas of executive dysfunction and needs a test (or assessment if he will understand that) to find out what’s going on with him so he can get the best support at school. He’s old enough to not be left to feel like he’s just naughty/failing and you should have communicated with him more.

I think the teacher should have checked with you first before mentioning it.

But having said all this having been through assessment with a child, the assessors do insist that you have discussed the diagnosis and what it means with your child before having the assessment (this may just be where I live? And obviously if they're old enough to understand too, But it was NHS)

I told DD1, aged 6 who was questioning me, why she couldn’t do things in school that she was not stupid - she had brain problems. She was very relieved, as she already knew she was a failure in mainstream.

Children can have low esteem, because they feel a failure without knowing why. I can’t see the point in leaving them believing that, while you wait months/years for an assessment?

Really? Surely telling a 6 year old they've got brain problems is way worse? Isn't it enough to tell her that her brain (and many other people's brain, some estimates put ADHD at 10% of pop) works differently to some other people's brains. Or even just don't talk about brains at all and just emphasise that everyone is different.

If a 6 year old is struggling at school the message should be everyone learns things in their own time and that's ok. The things she finds hard will seem easy in a few years time.

I would in the first instance talk to his teacher about how you don’t want DS to know about possibly having ADHD until a diagnosis has been given (and find out the context of the conversation he had with his teacher). Schools are much more open about discussing and supporting neurodiversity than in the past, a good thing IMO and it might have been a general discussion to the group/class rather than aimed at your child.

Also, won’t your DS be curious about why he’s meeting with paed/psych in a hospital/clinical setting? Won’t you have a conversation about it beforehand?

No, she was extremely grateful. Given she was already in special provision in another town, 10 miles away, while her twin sister was walking to our local school, and she was having psychotherapy four times a week at CAMHS from age 5, she knew she was very different from her twin sister - and felt a failure. That is way more than “struggling at school”.

She barely understood a word we said, and certainly not abstract words like “different”; and we struggled to understand her. She knew that.

The teacher may have a child with ADHD herself.
She may have ADHD herself.
It may have just slipped out.
I'd probably start from the assumption she was trying to be helpful.

As a teacher, she should absolutely NOT have said that. I’ve had children in my class get diagnoses and their parents still haven’t told them immediately.

As teachers, we should always be following the child and family’s lead on sensitive topics like this.

You asked what to do: I think first thing would be some information gathering. 9 year olds aren't always the most reliable informants.

My children are both Autistic and have ADHD.
They are 7.5 (twins!).
I have been (in an age appropriate and individual way, tailored to each child) been occasionally talking about Neurodivergence with them since late preschool.
I think it does children a massive disservice NOT to discuss it with them, although I appreciate that wouldn't be every parent's stance.

Thanks for the replies everyone, I spoke to my son again, and he said, he gets pulled out of class and does other work with a group of children, not with his class teacher, (who are neurodivergent which the teacher told me this morning)
he asked the teacher why he’s does different work and she said “ because you might have ADHD”
when I spoke to the class teacher this morning, who knows we haven’t discussed this with him, she said he does a wellbeing class with a different teacher, ( who I really really like)
so I think maybe she just presumed because he was attending that session he might know already??
we haven’t told him because I wanted to educate myself a bit further, because it’s all new to me. Also he’s the type of boy who will fixate on the fact he may have it, and it will stress him out.

i get that, which is why I was so angry yesterday, I had to go straight to work which meant I couldn’t have a real conversation with him about it. It really wasn’t how I wanted it to happen,
he’s really bright, and retains information well, and can remember conversations from months back, so I trust it’s how the conversation went down,

She was just being straight with him. If as a 9 year old he’s old enough and aware enough to ask the question then she’s respected him enough to answer his concern. I’m more concerned about why you want to keep him
ignorant - ADHD or ADHD traits are nothing to be ashamed of and the sooner everyone is aware, the better. What would you have wanted her to say?

Why would I tell him if it hasn’t been confirmed yet? I don’t know what the outcome of the assessment will be, if it comes back that he hasn’t got it, then what do I tell him? That me and his school got it wrong?
iv told him everyone is different and we all work in different ways, that’s all he needs to know.

I think your son finding out at an assessment would be so much worse. You might find he feels relief to know that it’s being looked into to see if there is a reason he finds things much harder and feels validated that his parents are supportive by doing this.

I completely disagree with this. He's old enough for you to treat him respectfully and explain what he's having an assessment for. How do you plan to explain it otherwise?

To clarify I will tell him when it gets to having the assessment, however that could be 2 years away. He understands that his brain works differently, and it’s perfectly fine, but telling him he may have adhd when I’m not certain he does, is something I’m not willing to do.

I think it would be good to tell the school what they can and can't tell him, if he's as bright as you say. Kids know when someone's obfuscating.

Have you looked into Choose and Book?

Telling him he might have ADHD is pretty normal for a kid of his age on the pathway though.

Wow. I wouldn't be 'fuming' per se, but how I responded overall would be dictated by the response of the teacher/school.

I'd arrange a meeting and explain that you hadn't told DS yet and were waiting until the assessment had taken place, and explain that the teacher should have checked first with parents before discussing something with a child they might or might not have. If they were apologetic and seemed to take it on board to be more careful in the future I'd be fine with that. If they were defensive though or didn't accept that they'd made an error, I would be much more concernd.

Does any child not get told they might have ADHD these days?

Really? Telling him something that may be wrong, just doesn’t seem right in my opinion.

How strange you haven’t told him! Very normal for it to be spoken about, in reality she thinks he either had ADHD or your parenting skills are lacking.