ADHD!! What would you do??

[justabitnuts]

Me and my partner have been communicating with the school and my ds9 is on waiting to be assessed for ADHD.
We have not told him, I don’t know if this is the right thing to do, but we feel as a family it would be best to wait for the assessment and then tell him if he does or not,
he came home today asking me if I have heard or “ADHD” I said yes and asked him why, he replied “the teacher said I might have it.
iv had to have a quick conversation with him that I am not ready or prepared for, before I go off to work…
now, I understand she might not know we haven't told him, however aibu to be absolutely fuming? Would you be?

Thank you so much for this, he really isn’t good at waiting. And gets so frustrated when he doesn’t know something, he’s very particular, and being in limbo is not something he is comfortable with, when he said yesterday about it, I was just plain and simple about it, because he’s good with that. But I think I panicked a little afterwards because I was a little pissed off, but I know it’s not the teachers fault, she’s actually his and mine favourite teacher 😅

You haven’t read this thread properly, and all my replies, I will tell him nearer the time. When I have an assessment date, which could be a couple of years away! Read my replies before you give advice next time

Why wouldn't he know? It's nothing to be ashamed or worried about. Surely he would have questions about what he was being assessed for when you took him to the appointments so it doesn't seem like something you could hide without lying to him by saying he's there for some else, which would be wrong and may also make him quite angry and distrusting when the truth came out.

ADHD is common. Thank goodness fewer kids are being told they are naughty and lazy when actually the issue is that their brain chemistry is different.

Whatever your intention, you're making it 'a thing' that needs to be hidden and therefore be ashamed of.

ADHD is just an explanation for the behaviour you're witnessing. Maybe he does or doesn't have ADHD but he still has the behaviour so explaining to him very early that ADHD might be a possibility is perfectly sensible and he deserves to be aware of the process hes been signed up to.

if you read my responses , I said I would tell him nearer the time, we could be waiting months maybe years for the assessment.
I agree, it isn’t anything to be ashamed of,

Yes it is very overwhelming.

In my experience young people don't see any stigma at all in whereas the older the adult, they are more likely to describe it very negatively. ADHD is highly treatable. It is good that you are getting your son assessed at such a young age. My DC2 was at university before we realiszed they had ADHD. Secondary school in particular would have been much easier with a diagnosis - I knew DC2 had a problem from the age of about 13 but had no idea what it was.

I have read the thread and the time to tell him was as soon as the adults started talking. When we noticed my stepdaughter showing signs of ADHD at the same age as your son, she was the FIRST person we talked to about it because her medical and educational needs are HER business first and foremost.

It's so disrespectful to be talking over his head deciding when he gets to be told!

The teacher should not have said anything without checking with parents first. He hasn’t even been assessed yet and it was totally unprofessional.

Yes and yes.

unfortunately, these days the trend want the teacher leading the families…

Discussing it with my daughter did wonders for her self-esteem. everybody in her circle noticed the change in her. She's far more comfortable in her own skin these days, and far better behaved for it. She now gets that she's wired a bit differently from some of her peers, and has different techniques for learning and interacting with them. We've also realized she's dyslexic...and talking through what that means, as well as getting accommodations for that in place, has also really helped her. She is beginning to advocate for herself now, telling the teacher what she needs to get the job done. We started our journey in year 3, we're in year 6 now, still waiting for the ADHD diagnosis. The school have put accommodations in place and they have helped her so much already. She needs that diagnosis for her future.

Forgive me, but I think you are making a mistake by not talking to him about this, and working with him to work how what it means for him. It's time to embrace his ND and see it for all the potential that it holds.

I would be so angry you need to complain to the head teacher. I am a learning support assistant and have worked for years with autism. A teacher or member of staff are not allowed to tell a child they may have ADHD. This really is shocking I feel so sorry for you. It is up to the parents. Even when a child is told they have autism or ADHD (by the parent) we play it down and don't let them use it as an excuse not to do something.

My advice is definitely complain and then play it down with your son. He is too young to have this worry.

If your son has been moved to a neurodivergent stream/class, I would be paying for a private ADHD assessment - not getting hung up on a teacher telling him they think he may have ADHD. Your son is looking for answers and you should be too. I certainly would not be waiting for 2 years.

Oh do grow up OP, ‘fuming’ is a strong choice of words, try having a non verbal child with absolutely no understanding.

To be honest as soon as my kids were diagnosed with that and autism it was all about raising awareness and educating them about it. Even if he doesn’t it won’t harm him to know about it as knowledge is power so they say. Tell him what it is and that you are having him assessed to make sure. I don’t think it will impact him negatively as you are thinking - if he does have adhd it may give him a ‘reason’ for feeling different. A reason I wish I hadn’t waited 37 years for.

And you may be keeping knowledge from a 9 year old that could be valuable to him. No matter how long the wait.. it could help him in the meantime. plus if he does have ADHD and you’ve written about his issues with instant gratification, this could be valuable showing him we can’t get everything we want when we want it.

Who are you with? My son has been waiting over 18 months. But I had a 4 week wait and my daughter around 2 months. Can’t get my youngest on any list.

You should have done the right thing and told him. Jfc.

We made the mistake of not telling DC1 much about his upcoming diagnosis at a similar age.
He started really acting up, fighting and angry. Totally out of character for him.
Turned out he was hearing the hushed whispers, the talk of appointments and noticing meetings with teachers, letters etc and had drawn his own conclusion that he had a terminal illness.
We unravelled it during a meeting with achool to discuss his behaviour and he just said 'why is noone telling me that I am dying'. Absolutely broke my heart, we thought we were doing the right thing.
From that moment on we were really open and honest with him.

Why wouldn't you tell him? He is 9, old enough to understand. Not saying, so you can educate yourself sounds like denial. Let him get used to the term, see how it feels. Know. You say he is bright, yet you keep him in the dark. He has separate lessons and not explained? He must be so worried. Poor boy. Adhd isn't something to be ashamed of. The sooner the better, even if he isn't, he can make peace his brain works differently to others will help him manage himself.

Thank you for this, I think that’s what made me angry, I wanted to be the one to have the conversation with him, when I was armed with more info myself.

I think it's a common reaction. My almost adult child was diagnosed with ADHD and was really relived to find an explanation for why she'd found some things harder than other people around her that wasn't because she was stupid.

She's literally been asking that question since she started school. Now she's older she can express that it always confused her as she'd never felt she was actually stupid, but there were just some things which came easily to other people which she found so much effort she couldn't possibly imagine everyone else was working that hard at it to be so good at it.

I'm not sure what language exactly I'd have used to explain it had she been diagnosed when she was younger, but children definitely know the word 'stupid' and seem to prefer almost any other explanation.

So how will you explain the assessment to him?

I would explain before the assessment what it was for, that way he wouldn’t be worrying about it for to long, in fact now he does know, he’s asked a few times when it will be, he really is not good at waiting, he's also frustrated that i don’t know for sure, in his words, “ mum why don’t you know if I have it or not, should you know already?”
the school have said academically he’s doing really well, but emotional he is a bit behind,
so this is another reason why I don’t want him waiting and I didn’t tell him.

I think this kind of question just suggests that you need to talk about the assessment and the process more so that he is able to understand it properly. I get that it might feel difficult to explain this if you haven't managed to get your head around it yourself yet, but he will benefit from being told as much as you can share.

Apparently, the secondary school he will be going to doesn’t really except diagnosis from other providers, they prefer CAHMS,
I'm not sure how try this is, this info was from another parent who went through it, so I need to find out if this is true or not,