ADHD!! What would you do??

[justabitnuts]

Me and my partner have been communicating with the school and my ds9 is on waiting to be assessed for ADHD.
We have not told him, I don’t know if this is the right thing to do, but we feel as a family it would be best to wait for the assessment and then tell him if he does or not,
he came home today asking me if I have heard or “ADHD” I said yes and asked him why, he replied “the teacher said I might have it.
iv had to have a quick conversation with him that I am not ready or prepared for, before I go off to work…
now, I understand she might not know we haven't told him, however aibu to be absolutely fuming? Would you be?

Exactly this

She only said he ‘might’ have it though. She didn’t say anything that was incorrect or contentious imo. I think her response was perfect - age appropriate and no fuss. It’s part of her professional duty to deal with children in a transparent and nurturing way. If she had lied or obfuscated that might have left her open to all sorts of issues later on.

I think at his age it’s best to be honest. My child’s school suggested asd. I gave my child the option for the assessment. I didn’t rush into it I waited until late primary for them to decide. It was suggested much earlier. I think if you don’t make it a big deal maybe it will be easier for him to understand who he is.

OP, what would you have liked her to say in response to that direct question?

For what it's worth, DS (who is 5) likely has ADHD and we've told him about it and a little about why we think he might have it. Diagnosis is probably several years away, but school have started putting things in place for him. Having support and accommodations allows him to learn and succeed instead of hating school.

TBH I think as long as it wasn't done in a negative way then there's nothing to be upset about - teachers supporting children with ADHD is hard enough to find as it is without nitpicking about details.

I think I would just be honest with him and say something like I don't know much about it either,but it's something we're looking into to find out if it might be part of what's making it so hard for you. If it is, then knowing about it might help us find strategies which can help you.

I think the context you gave around him questioning why he was doing something different makes it ok to share a reason.

I think ideally she could have been a bit vaguer saying we've noticed that you need some support in these areas (whatever its supposed to support) and said something like often people with adhd need this support, but there are also other reasons someine might need help to x, y z.

But thats easy to say when not put on the spot by a question I guess.

I actually am in agreement eith you that saying he is on a pathway go look at adhd which coukd take years coukd be very stressful for him.

Why am I different?

ADHD.

you have brain problems. Don’t blame yourself

this is not the right approach

I agree with his teacher here, I would've done the same thing

I don’t understand your mindset OP?

Surely it’s better to prepare your DS so he has an understanding of the terms and what a diagnosis might mean for him, than to drop it on him out the blue prior to his assessment?

He’s already being taught in a smaller separate group with other children who may have already been diagnosed so he’s not wrong to question why he’s been put in this group and his teacher answered him in good faith.

My DS (16) has Autism and was diagnosed at secondary school when he was 14. It’s been really useful to him to have received a diagnosis and extra support at school for his exams etc. He’s very academic so primary school were only aware of his difficulties from having Dyspraxia and not much allowance was made for that.

Ignoring the fact that you think ADHD is something wrong, would you not take him for an xray with a suspected broken arm? It’s totally normal in medical terms to consider ‘it might be X but we should get it checked out’ - no need to shield children when it involves them. I took my DD to the out of hours when she was 4 because she might have had a urine infection. She was fully involved and had everything explained to her throughout, and she understood the wee test was to find out if she did or not. No different.

He does know and I have said multiple times that his brain works differently, and that everybody is different, but he is very black and white, if I say you might have ADHD, to him, he either has or hasn’t, so saying you might, wouldn’t benefit him, that’s why I was waiting, I am not a expert, I don’t know if he has it or not, and I think telling him he might, then waiting 2 years for the assessment, would 100% stress him out!
the teacher saying “you might have ADHD” has done exactly what I knew it would do,
he’s now said, have I or haven't I? There is no in-between with him!
I can understand why she answered the way she did.

The answer is that yes he either does or he doesn’t but will have to wait to find out. This is an important lesson for him actually, you can’t just avoid telling him things because he finds the reply difficult to deal with. Unfortunately you need to be honest no matter how hard he finds not knowing (let’s face it, he already doesn’t know why he thinks as he does) and support him to manage that.

Has he been diagnosed?

Literally in the first sentence of the OP. No. That is what the whole thread is about.

But then waiting two years for the results for the x-ray, then tests take days, assessments for adhd take years
I think making a child wait for months maybe years is cruel.
I don’t want him thinking he might have ADHD for that long. Because it plays on his mind and he fixates on it.

Then he doesn’t have it and it shouldn’t be bandied about until he has been diagnosed

Surely at 9 he is going yo be asking what the assessment is for?

It could be 2 years away, when it comes to it, I will tell him what it’s for. But he doesn’t need to know months before.

Thank you

If you think it might not be ADHD, op, what do You think it might be?

And also, crucially - why do the school think he Might have ADHD?!

@justabitnuts I would be fuming too!
I completely get you. At 9 you don't have to mention that yet. And yes they can get fixated on things if mentioned and take them as gospel which is not always good.

OP, does this have more to do with your own anxiety about your ds's potential adhd?

As someone who was diagnosed with adhd as an adult, after years of wondering what the fuck was wrong with me, I don't really understand the rationale behind not telling him tbh. You said he is bright, so surely he is capable of understanding that you and his teachers can't diagnose him?

It might actually be a relief to him to know that there is a potential explanation for the difficulties that he experiences. Believe me, he won't be unaware that he is different. Sometimes it helps to have an explanation - or even a possible explanation - as to why that might be.

ADHD isn't a character flaw and it isn't anything to be ashamed of. There is no need to keep the possibility of it a secret.

The school have mentioned he can not keep still, gets distracted, he gets distracted very quickly, is impatient, his handwriting.
i don’t know if he does or not, I was going to read and watch some documentary’s about it, before I told him, just so I can understand a bit more,
honestly, I thought because of Covid, he didn’t go to preschool, and he didn’t do reception, he may just be a bit behind with behaviours in the classroom,
maybe I’m in denial, I don’t know.

Thank you for understanding, this thread is making me feel like I have completely failed him by not telling him!