My friend is going to end their life by assisted suicide and I'm struggling to tell people

[MegsDancer]

What I mean is that I am struggling with the reality because:

1. I didn't get to say goodbye before they started the journey to do this
2. There is a safeguarding worry that relatives are pressuring the person into it
3. I want to be able to tell my friends and relatives that this is something happening in my life but don't know how

So for example one of my oldest friends contacted me the other day asking how I am and I said 'fine' but I'm not fine at all. And somehow I feel awkward about telling him. Or other friends. Should I keep it to myself/just my therapist? I just don't have the words although I need some support.

I'm so sorry that sounds really difficult. What country is this in?

@Maisieandmia He is Canadian. He's been living in Europe for years but flew back just to do this.

If there is a chance that they are being pressurised then ring the police as that is definitely a crime and you shouldn’t stand by and let it happen

If you've got safeguarding concerns then you need to report to relevant authorities in Canada.

MAID is very common in Canada right now. I lived there for many years and hear about it all the time.

Can you start the conversation saying that you're not fine because your friend is very ill?

If you really think they are being forced into this then you need to contact social services or even the police.

Otherwise do they want you to tell people or is it just their private business and would prefer it to just be they passed away peacefully? You can talk about it on here and the mumsnet community will listen.

@PuckingDespair I can't really get into that aspect of it - it's something I can't intervene in and don't want to give our private details about it. I have done my best to help and support but it's now out of my hands. My friend is also quite adamant it is the right choice but I still have fears.

I almost feel like I'll be upsetting to inconveniencing the other close people in my life by telling them about this. I don't know if I should or not. People often don't know what to do or say in sad situations.

https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/cj-jp/ad-am/bk-di.html

There are safeguards.

@BadgernTheGarden this isn't about their private business - it's about me getting support from other family and friends.

We are telling mutual friends at the moment so they aren't shocked later.

Ah ok. If there is a risk he is being pressured into it then can you talk to him about it? Is it his family potentially pressuring him? I know canada has come under criticism for their very lax safeguarding around assisted dying, and people being pressured into it who are not even terminally ill, as they have widened their criteria drastically to include even depression etc. Does your friend have a terminal illness?

I should also mention he has been assessed one on one and been approved.

@Maisieandmia My friend is terminally ill and he's deteriorating.

I feel it is being rushed with the help of relatives but he vows it is what he wants. It's very difficult.

It's natural that posters will comment first on the more serious issue of someone potentially being coerced into assisted suicide, rather than your desire for support. And this will probably happen again when you do tell mutual friends, if you share your doubts.

Has he been made aware of other options such as hospice care so he can make a fully informed decision? Is he a close friend? Would you be able to have a proper conversation with him to make sure it is really what he wants? I think if he really wants it then thats fine, but coercion can happen especially if the family are expecting an inheritance. X

I see it is affecting you, but in your position I wouldn't tell anyone that they were using assisted suicide if I wasn't sure they didn't mind me telling people. You could say something along the lines of they are going home to die and it's very near the end, without having to give the ins and outs and still get support for your loss from friends and family.

There was an excellent From Our Own Correspondent programme on R4 earlier this year, which set out the criteria and followed a man and his family in Canada. It was certainly a rigorous process both medically and legally, and tbh, I was impressed about the care taken.

From the sounds of it, your friend has not yet taken his final steps, so there is nothing from stopping you ringing them or whatsapping them and speaking to thie, bidding them farewell, tell them how much they mean to you and how you will always treasure their friendship. It is always difficult to have that last conversation, I know because I witnessed this with my mother as friends and family came to visit when she received a terminal diagnosis. So if you want to share it with friends, when they are ask how you are, say, "I am a bit upset as one of my old friends is on an assisted suicide journey and it is making me really sad. It is not a journey I would want to take and I am finding it difficult to accept their decision." You do not need to say anymore, unless you want to.

I'm praying for you, your dear friend & all loved ones involved
I'm so sorry I don't have answers but it's so comprehendable for these circumstances to be so distressing
Sending Much Love 💚🙏💚

This sounds very difficult, OP.

I'd imagine there would always be some fear or concern around this while you are so far away and feel helpless even if the assessments have been done and everything is found to be in order

It's also probably hard to not be able to imagine being in their shoes and thinking about how you might feel or what choices you would make in their situaiton.

Your mind floods with ," But what if..?" and "But what about..?" Whereas the decision has probably provided peace and relief from those thoughts for him.

A very sad situation ❤️

So there’s nothing you can do about concern 1 and 2. It’s sad, but it’s out of your hands. Make your peace in your own way with not saying goodbye- write a letter, make a card, light a candle… whatever helps you grieve and find closure.

Number 3- telling people for your own support- just tell them you’re sad and upset because an old friend is near death. You can tell them more if you want to, if the conversation continues. But that’s the situation. You know your friend will die imminently and that’s sad. It happens, MAID or not.

I don't think you can take on the responsibility of wondering whether or not he is being pressured. You've done all you can by raising it and now have to trust that this is what he wants and that he has been assessed properly. So try to let go of any feelings od responsibility or guilt and focus on the other set of emotions you are feeling, which is anticipatory grief, which is often so much worse than the aftermath. I think it's fine for you to tell other people that you are very sad and need their support because you are losing a close friend, or a close friend is at the end of his life. If you want to say more, you could say that he has chosen to end his life at a clinic but frankly the manner of his actual death shouldn't matter - it is the fact that you are suffering a loss that should mean they offer you love and support.

If hes terminally ill and deteriorating he will know when he has had enough and wished to pass peacefully. Unless you have witnessed someone die with a terminal illness, and i witnessed my sisters death with cancer, its something I would not wish on anyone. It was traumatic and it was not peaceful. Hard as it is hes made his decision and you must respect it x

I think there are dufferent aspects to this

1- your worries about whether it’s the right choice for your friend. How devastating it is to loose someone that way etc…. It’s not ‘proper’ suicide (for want a better word. I dint know what else to use) but it’s not them dying of their illness either.. You’ll have a lot of grieving to do, making sense of the situation. why now and not later etc…And I feel a therapist is the best person for that.

2- you getting support - like you’d do if they had ‘just’ died. I feel it’s totally ok to say it to people, even if they’re not friend either that particular friend. How to do it? Maybe in a similar way than youre telling your common friends? 'i have a friend at the end of their life. Theyre going back home to Canada for AD. im so sad about loosing them.' Then its about your grief and loosing them rather than the circumstances.

3- you might be able to get support from the commin friends too now theyre awate? or is that person your partner and it doesnt feel right to talk about it with them

He’s made his decision and thought about it way more than you could ever imagine. A good friend would be supportive of this very difficult decision some human beings suffering a terminal illness have to make. I’m happy for this stranger that he gets to go the way he wants. Which is as it should be. I’m also confident that the Canadian system is robust.

But if he is deteriorating then I can totally understand why he is doing what he is doing.

I would do exactly the same.

I can understand your unhappiness, but it seems you have no direct reason to be involved in the matter. Sadly, we don't always get to say goodbye before someone dies, and I think this is fair. It's not our death. Perhaps the best thing you can do for your friend (if this is not a safeguarding issue) is accept it and don't add your suffering to theirs. Have you been asked to talk about it, to help other people not be shocked afterwards? If not, perhaps you shouldn't.