My friend is going to end their life by assisted suicide and I'm struggling to tell people

[MegsDancer]

What I mean is that I am struggling with the reality because:

1. I didn't get to say goodbye before they started the journey to do this
2. There is a safeguarding worry that relatives are pressuring the person into it
3. I want to be able to tell my friends and relatives that this is something happening in my life but don't know how

So for example one of my oldest friends contacted me the other day asking how I am and I said 'fine' but I'm not fine at all. And somehow I feel awkward about telling him. Or other friends. Should I keep it to myself/just my therapist? I just don't have the words although I need some support.

This is nonsense.

The 'hysteria' is NOT unwarranted. People with various kinds of disabilities or other problems have been pushed towards assisted suicide explicitly after it was brought in.

I agree that a controlled way for terminally I'll people to end their lives is not a bad thing if they want that : but most of the worry is not about that.

@MegsDancer are you concerned that whomever you speak to is going to feel overwhelmed by your emotions? That you're 'trauma dumping '?
You have to ask yourself , are these people who care and love you? If they are then tell them.

If he doesn’t want people to know he ended his own life, he probably doesn’t really believe he should be doing it.

Or just doesn't want to hear every Tom, Dick and Harry's opinion on it and be endlessly required to justify his reasons and answer questions.

Yes I think this is it. Worried about trauma dumping - you hear so much about that these days.

I’m in Scotland 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 and we don’t have assisted dying yet but hopefully it comes , as i said if he is been pressurised into it by family and friends that’s wrong but if he has decided this is what I want to do you have no say in it BUT talk to your therapist they should not break anyone’s confidential issues.
yes it will be hard but maybe he is looking at the big picture

If he’s been assessed then the professionals must be pretty confident that it’s his wishes.

I would just respect this, not share it at all, and support him with his decision.

the assessor also mentioned that many people who are approved do not go through with it - it is about having the option.

I do suspect he feels he is an increasing burden to his partner. I made clear I'd continue to visit and support from a friend point of view no matter the level of deterioration. Again it remains up to him but I just wanted to be clear people would be there for him until the end.

I just spoke to him on Zoom a few weeks ago and we had a normal conversation. Feels so strange.

I am curious about why so many people are saying it shouldn't be shared with his other loved ones. Is assisted dying seen as something shameful? Should it be treated like a secret this way?

If he is leaning towards not telling people, then certainly you shouldn't be telling people either. Regardless of how he ultimately dies, he's terminally ill, can't you just seek support on that basis? You have a close friend who's terminally ill, he's going to be dying sooner rather than later, and you're having trouble processing it. The whole assisted suicide part doesn't really need to come into it, does it?

This is so sad and I am sorry your poor friend is in this situation and for how distressing this must be for you.

In the end if he is terminal and deteriorating there is only one eventual outcome.

I have no idea how I would actually feel but I wish we had the capacity to take control of our end once our bodies have taken control of our health. I will do all I can not to put my Dc through a long end, and to show them that the fact that I make a decision to choose the timing of my end is a positive decision. And one they should take comfort in.

Let your friend lead. Once he has gone you and his partner can spread the news and maybe tell people that at the end he was able to make his own decision about timing. It’s actually a deeply personal decision and not really anyone else’s business whether he died naturally when his condition overwhelmed him or whether he made his own decision.

@StewkeyBlue thank you. ❤

It is very hard for his partner in particular. There is no rule book for how to handle this kind of situation - it does feel unique to other terminal illness scenarios.

I don't think anyone is saying that. But if he doesn't want it shared with other people, that's his choice and it should be respected. It's his own business.

No, but its obviously a very personal decision and maybe he doesn't want anyone else's unsolicited opinion about it.

OP, I really feel for you

I was involved with an acquaintance deciding to end their life through assisted dying earlier this year. I have found it extremely hard to process my own feelings (and yes, I know it's not about me), and I was quite surprised at how many conflicting emotions I went through.

@Jaffapaffa oh I'm so sorry for your loss. May I ask if you did seek support and find it helpful?

The other thing is that another friend of mine died by suicide last month and I wonder if this is feeding into my feelings about it all.

I wish I could simply say 'I'm happy for him that he's at peace with the decision' but it's more complicated.

It's very difficult but I wonder how much is about the assisted dying and how much you would be feeling anyway if he's at end of life and in the acceptance stage rather than 'fighting' an illness.
It might be worth testing that out by confiding in a close friend that you're not yourself right now because a friend is at end of life and going home to die. If you give yourself permission to discuss that without the details then you might be better able to process your own feelings of grief.

What a very MN comment.

No one exists in a vacuum. It is the living who grieve, who deal with the aftermath of death.

Suicide is a highly traumatic death for those left behind the have to deal with.

How repellant that some think that the OP shouldn’t ask for support.

MN at its worst.

So sorry to hear about your friend and I hope you can discuss your feelings with your therapist.

imo assisted dying is such a contentious subject that by putting yourself in the role of informing friends of that decision, you are undertaking to discuss his decision and your own concerns over and over. That's not great for your own mental health but it seems to me you'd be better to follow advice of many PPs and merely let people know that your friend's terminal illness is his reason to return home.

Be there for your friend with normal conversation if that's what brings him comfort and take care of yourself x

Agree with pp who suggested that you can explain that he is very ill and has gone back to Canada for whatever time he has left. You are sad that you didn't get to say goodbye properly because there is a good chance you won't see him again. Preparing mutal friends for his death is not your responsibility so just let go of that I think. You are totally justified in feeling sad, it's a sad situation but you need to respect his wishes around privacy when it comes to maid. Some people have very strong opinions which might actually make you feel worse if they start expressing views rather than impartial support. I hope your friend has a peaceful ending in whatever way feels right for him.

I suppose as the above advice suggests I could focus more on helping a friend through terminal illness who has returned to home country. @museumum you're right that I might've been feeling many of these emotions anyway.

The grief I feel does mirror the grief I felt for my terminal relative who died with palliative care earlier this year. But it does feel complicated by the method.

For now I am letting his partner take the lead on whether I can say goodbye via a letter or call etc. We took one last trip together last year and I'm so glad we did that.

I would respectfully suggest that this sort of scolding comment is exactly why the OP is here trying to figure out how best to articulate how she feels.

I suspect it is. A death by suicide brings up a lot of emotions to process along with the 'normal' grief and loss. I can see how assisted dying (which I am very much in favour of) can also lead to a lot of feelings. I'm sorry about your friends. That's a tough few months you've had. I think it's definitely worth talking it over with your therapist. I've had a couple of friends die suddenly in accidents and didn't get to say goodbye, what helped me was saying goodbye in my own way - by going to somewhere special, or writing a letter that I burnt, or doing a shared interest. Sometimes it was quite soon afterwards, sometimes a good while after. Whatever feels right for you.

I admire them for making this difficult choice. I have been actively researching options when and if I get to the point that I would choose that. It is not legal where we live so I would have to go elsewhere.

He’s asking other people not to tell anyone. He won’t be having any arguments/making any justifications after it’s done, and if he thinks it’s the right decision why would he not want people to know? Speaking as someone who doesn’t habitually lie or hide my own motives, this was the conclusion I came to.