My friend is going to end their life by assisted suicide and I'm struggling to tell people

[MegsDancer]

What I mean is that I am struggling with the reality because:

1. I didn't get to say goodbye before they started the journey to do this
2. There is a safeguarding worry that relatives are pressuring the person into it
3. I want to be able to tell my friends and relatives that this is something happening in my life but don't know how

So for example one of my oldest friends contacted me the other day asking how I am and I said 'fine' but I'm not fine at all. And somehow I feel awkward about telling him. Or other friends. Should I keep it to myself/just my therapist? I just don't have the words although I need some support.

@Carandache18 there is a dialogue with him just now about whether to tell friends or not. His immediate feeling is 'not' but his partner is concerned about the level of distress this will cause to his loved ones. I feel the same really although I know it's his decision ultimately.

@Dollymylove I watched a loved one die from terminal illness earlier this year. She was fully supported and care for palliatively which made it a 'good' death.

He is much younger and it is different.

Are you concerned about safeguarding because you think there’s issues, or because you disagree with the decision?

you don’t need to tell people how he died. Presumably he has a terminal illness. So you just say he’s passed away. It cannot cause trauma to you.

Kindly, this isn’t about you. If you want to be a real friend then you need to leave them to it unless they ask for you.
I just watched a friend die a slow and terrible death, her wish would have been to choose as your friend as, but for her kids sake she didn’t and died physically and mentally tortured.

It sounds like a choice he’s made and is committed to. If there are safeguarding concerns, like he’s been pressured about it, speak to the police (101?). Otherwise it’s ok to say to people a friend of yours is approaching the end of their life after an illness, you don’t have to say what the circumstances are.

It's got to be up to the individual how they die. I don't understand why we make people suffer when many would just opt to end their life with dignity before the pain and deterioration starts. I think there is a lot of unwarranted hysteria about the Canadian system but I think it's cruel to make people suffer with illnesses they have no hope of recovering soon. If he is terminally ill, he will die in any event, so why is it so much worse if it is on his terms?

I would say it's his decision completely, not 'ultimately.' And he has told loved ones. His partner knows. You know. That's two people already, and neither completely supporting his choice. No wonder he doesn't want to spread the news further.
Perhaps the kindest thing you can do is forget yourself and your own feelings, and accept him and his feelings as the priority now. He shouldn't have to negotiate his own death.

If he is dying then I think he is making his own timeline and I don’t blame him. Had 2 friends die this year, one who I sat with day in and day out. We all said we wished there would have been a better way.

@ApricotDanish83 The situation is that there are issues because relatives rushed him into the decision. There was no interest in discussing or looking at other options - but this is beyond tackling now. The decision is made.

For the record I support his decision but his partner and myself sought advice in relation to safeguarding due to concerns we had. I think it is something to be considered carefully although I agree it is good to be on his terms if he wants it this way. He has struggled with depression for the last year with mood swings due to the illness - so part of you always wonders if the decision can ever come from a true place of clarity.

Either way he's approved. I am just sad and feel distressed about it.

If you’re struggling, can you get help from a therapist if you feel you can’t tell from your friends and family circle ?

While I sympathise OP, you are in danger of making this all about you. Whatever you’re going through is nothing compared to your friend with the terminal illness.

We all have difficult things to go through at times. Stoicism is an underrated quality.

@softstone Wow. do you not think I'm well aware it's 'not about me'? I have been supporting my friends with this for the last five years.

I have already had two bereavements this year - I don't need lecturing on stoicism. What I do need is to be able to not break down and carry on with work and other life duties. It is completely unchartered territory.

@BrightSpark10 I have spoken to my therapist about it twice but she hasn't heard of the illness which can be challenging. Maybe I can look into whether there's help available for people who are supporting a person with this specific illness.

Well, this is presumably his idea of a ‘good death’? I think you need to separate two things here, OP. One is your natural grief at losing a close friend. That you can and should ask for help with. The other is your concerns about it being ‘rushed’. Either you have concerns you feel you need to act on or you don’t. And surely as regards telling people, you obey his wishes?

I'm curious what you mean by relatives rushing him into the decision.

You say he's young, he's terminally ill and deteriorating. It sounds like he has made a rational choice based on his situation.

I don't think it would be a bad idea to have a few therapy sessions around this, as you don't feel you can really talk to the people in your life. With a therapist everything is confidential, and he/she doesn't know your friend.

I think approach it to people as “my friend x is terminal and went back to Canada for the end. I’m really struggling with not having said goodbye”. That way they can give you support without you having to go into MAID.

I think if he doesn't want people telling then you have to respect that & surely say that your friend is very ill & doesn't have long left to live & you won't see them again.

How come his family are so involved to the point that you suspect pressure from them?

Perhaps once the decision was made there was nothing to do but move forward with arrangements?

My beautiful, wonderful, vibrant sister died from cancer at just 33. It was awful. Not a 'good death'. It was long and drawn out. Extremely painful for her first and foremost, the whole family and mostly on her husband and 2 DC.

If I ever find I am in a similar situation. I would like the opportunity to say when I am ready.

Your friend sounds well informed. I don't blame him for his choice.

EDIT - But yes if you think there is any pressure from his family I would find some way to alert the hospital that will do it.

If people are pressurising him to do it you must tell someone in authority, but after that it’s actually none of your business to tell anyone else but you obviously need to talk to someone about it considering the state you are in without telling names addresses or any other confidential stuff. Once you actually tell your therapist they might go to the right authority

If he doesn’t want people to know he ended his own life, he probably doesn’t really believe he should be doing it.

I'm glad you said, "He", when you mentioned 'they' in first post I was wondering if there was more than one friend.

I did know the law permitted assisted suicide had been passed in Canada but this is the first time I have heard of someone actually contemplating it.

He is able to fly to Canada, I would have thought that indicated he was capable of committing suicide without assistance. I am in no way advocating suicide but there is, to me, something unwholesome about people being employed to kill others or help them kill themselves.

If your friend has his heart set on this and has been approved for it, there is not much you can do. Whether he actually goes through with it remains to be seen.

It's very sad that he feels this way when there is so much help available now to make remaining life comfortable and even worthwhile. The hospice movement is marvellous with this.

More help should be available for the terminally ill. Nobody has to die in pain and distress.

I'm truly sorry for your friend, something has gone seriously wrong with his care for him to contemplate this solution. People in my family in similar circumstances died naturally, just didn't wake up, and knew they were loved, well cared for and supported right to the end by their loved ones, as well as a good medical team who prescribed adequate pain relief.

Why would something have had to go wrong in his care for him to contemplate this? If I was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour I would 100% have assisted suicide if it was available to me. I just don’t fancy the alternative.

i understand this is difficult and not everyone is pressured into this maybe she just wants some dignity in death which I understand but if you are worried do you have time to talk to her directly I would not rush to talk to the police yet as if this is her genuine wish you will cause more distress for your friend and her family

Why is it so common?

yes there is help available but where is the dignity I am firm believer of long as it is done properly it is their body their right to decide weather they want dignity in death or spend the end of their life suffering