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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you have a really really good SO, do you let small things slide?

101 replies

Lucyluck2 · 22/10/2025 09:57

Just curious really. I’m blessed with the most wonderful DP. Sometimes I wonder how he manages to stay on top of putting everyone’s needs above his own.

He’s a human though and once in a while he doesn’t.

He offered to help me out with something big today and I told him it really wasn’t needed, but I’d absolutely love if he could cook the dinner we bought for tonight so I could get my thing finished.

He said he would, of course, and would go and do what he needed to get done today and would be back to do dinner.

He’s just told me he’s made plans this evening to have tea with his brother so won’t be home till much later. No acknowledgement of our prior plans at all.

It’s no big deal at all. I can put the food in the freezer and order a takeaway.

This man so rarely lets me (or anyone!) down. My first instinct was annoyance but, on balance, this is such an isolated incident.

I’m not really looking for opinions on my specific situation but curious to hear from others lucky enough to have such a lovely DP, and whether it means you let things go when they do mess up? Or maybe not your DP but a friend or your kids?

YANU - No, say something! If he’s pissed you off, he’s pissed you off!

YANBU - If someone does their best most of the time, let the occasional thing slide.

OP posts:
PeachyKoala · 22/10/2025 10:07

My DH is brilliant. He arguably does more childcare and housework than I do and is a very supportive partner. That said, I wouldn't let the small things slide no, I feel like that's how you end up letting things build up which breeds resentment over time. I think your DP has been quite rude here really in not even acknowledging your previous plans, I'm not sure it actually counts as a "small thing".

Finsburyfancy · 22/10/2025 10:13

I think this is fine. Sounds like he more than pulls his weight, and if anything other people take the piss and advantage a bit of his kind nature. My DH is great, but occasionally forgets things or whatever. It's not a big deal, I'm not some crazy dictator demanding total perfection and obedience.

takealettermsjones · 22/10/2025 10:15

Yeah I do, because I mess up too! In this situation I'd probably say ok have fun, but then gently bring it up later. Emphasis on gently!

DefinitelyNotDainty · 22/10/2025 10:17

I would look at it as giving him the benefit of the doubt. If he is usually great (like my DH) it’s a slip-up and not a big deal.

ShesTheAlbatross · 22/10/2025 10:17

It depends. If it’s likely to cause any resentment then I’d say something. But otherwise no, I wouldn’t. And he wouldn’t say something to me about a minor thing either.
Obviously everyone’s definition of a minor thing will be different though.

Wishimaywishimight · 22/10/2025 10:18

No one is perfect, we are all flawed. If you make an issue of the occasional 'disappointment' ypu will drive the both of you mad! I would get annoyed if DH picked me up on such a tiny issue and I'm sure he would feel the same.

echt · 22/10/2025 10:18

This reads like a machine.

MorningFresh · 22/10/2025 10:19

My first thought was that it could be that husband brother has a problem he needs help with?
Edited to add - yes, I do let small things slide, no ones perfect. Some of the stuff people get wound up about surprises me.

PollyBell · 22/10/2025 10:20

Are you a saint? No one is

ARichtGoodDram · 22/10/2025 10:21

Would he let it slide the other way round?

DH and I both let some things slide. Some we don't. Generally we're very similar in what we let slide and on how often we cock up so resentment doesn't build.

That one neither of us would let slide as it directly impacts the other person, and is downright rude to change plans with no acknowledgement that he was meant to be making your dinner.

TheBlueHotel · 22/10/2025 10:22

Yes, and he does the same for me. We just have an agreement that we love and accept each other flaws and all and the occasional annoyance is not worth falling out over. Nobody is perfect but marital harmony is our priority and we have a very happy home. Obviously we occasionally have a big thing to iron out but that's different. We still choose not to argue about things.

Moominmoko · 22/10/2025 10:26

My dh is wonderful, more than pulls his weight. However with 5 kids and a busy life sometimes things go a bit awry and the little things can feel like a massive deal in the moment. Therefore I would say something if I was annoyed by anything he did/didn't do.

Normally the next day I'll wake up and realise the thing I thought was a big deal actually wasn't and apologise if I over reacted.

I your case I think it would have not been a big deal if he had acknowledged that the change in plans would have an impact on you, the complete lack of recognition that there was a knock on effect for you is a bit rude.

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 22/10/2025 10:26

There's an easy answer for this - if the situation were reversed and you forgot that you'd said you'd cook dinner and instead made other plans, how would you want him to react? Do that.

If it were me I'd probably send a message like "Aw, I thought you were cooking dinner here? No worries, we can have this tomorrow. Say hi to your brother for me and I'll see you later! x" or similar. And then leave it at that.

Thecowardlydonkey · 22/10/2025 10:28

Would I mention it, yes, in the situation you describe. What I wouldn't do is make a big issue of it. I think clear communication is key, so I wouldn't leave him in blissful ignorance that he had let me down a bit. You don't want things to slide into a situation where the norm is that you are not considered.

Greenfinch7 · 22/10/2025 10:37

For me the problem here is not the change of plan. It is the lack of acknowledgement. People who are unable to say: 'I messed up', or 'I'm upset about xyz' or 'I feel bad about xyz' feel dishonest or avoidant in an unhealthy way.

It is not even an apology that I would miss- it is an acknowledgement: 'We had a plan that I need to change'- that's all. Sometimes that comes with an apology, or sometimes not necessary... what I can't stand is people not being able to face the truth, even in small ways.

Is your DP unable to stand the thought that he has let someone down, so will usually be wonderful, but if occasionally something comes up, he is unable to face the fact that he has disappointed someone?

gannett · 22/10/2025 10:38

Depends how much it had inconvenienced me I guess. But there's a lot of room between letting things slide and making a big deal out of them!

In this situation, when he told you (via message?) he was going out to eat, I would have replied "I thought you were making us dinner?" and ideally he'd have said something like "oh shit, sorry I forgot" and I'd have said "no worries, will freeze food and order a takeaway". I'm not sure I could be arsed bringing it up after the fact if I wasn't really inconvenienced though.

blankcanvas3 · 22/10/2025 10:39

Yes I let things slide, because he lets things slide too. Nobody is perfect

Worralorra · 22/10/2025 10:41

I’d have said something along the lines of “Oh that will be nice, have fun. Will you cook the dinner we talked about tomorrow, then? And I’ll just get a takeaway instead”

TravelPanic · 22/10/2025 10:45

Yes I try to, as I know he does the same for me.

in your specific case, I’d find it odd that he didn’t acknowledge the prior plans so I’d probably say something like, oh I thought you were cooking this evening? And then he’d probably say “oh crap, sorry, forgot!” And then I’d say, “no worries, we’ll cook it tomorrow and I’ll get a takeaway”, just so it’s been acknowledged but not in a having a go kind of way.

Ponoka7 · 22/10/2025 10:48

As said, why no in-between? It's a strange way to live. I like good commucation though. I'd just text back, ok, I'll put the dinner stuff in the freezer for another day, see you later (do adults really text, have fun, to each other, especially when just have tea with a sibling?). In terms of things not always going to plan, we both let the small things slide.

Chocja · 22/10/2025 10:54

I wouldn’t be making a big issue of this. Even if you are busy you could grab beans on toast or takeaway or get a bowl of cereal. It sounds like he was just making you a meal you would eat quickly and get on with what you need to so it’s hardly missing something important

My DH is great in so many ways but stuff comes up and things get missed by both of us and this doesn’t sound that important.

mcmuffin22 · 22/10/2025 10:55

gannett · 22/10/2025 10:38

Depends how much it had inconvenienced me I guess. But there's a lot of room between letting things slide and making a big deal out of them!

In this situation, when he told you (via message?) he was going out to eat, I would have replied "I thought you were making us dinner?" and ideally he'd have said something like "oh shit, sorry I forgot" and I'd have said "no worries, will freeze food and order a takeaway". I'm not sure I could be arsed bringing it up after the fact if I wasn't really inconvenienced though.

I agree with this. If something pisses me off, I would rather say but that isn't 'making a big deal'. It is acknowledging it and addressing it. I'm not tiptoeing around someone when they do something thoughtless and would prefer someone else to pull me up on things that I have done to impact them too.

Original poster
Lucyluck2 · 22/10/2025 11:00

echt · 22/10/2025 10:18

This reads like a machine.

I’m not sure what that means! Sorry if it sounds a bit robotic. I have a habit of writing too much so I was trying to keep it concise.

OP posts:
Branster · 22/10/2025 11:01

I wouldn't say he 'messed up'. If it was my DH, I wouldn't even register this as a letting me down incident. It's just dinner, not a last minute cancellation for a lift to the airport to catch a 4AM flight.
Dinner and house stuff like that it's just routine jobs you can easily muddle through at the last minute.
Maybe you are a bit too critical in this particular example?
To be fair to my own DH, if he ever was to mess anything up (which I can't remember ever happening) he would absolutely acknowledge the fact and make up for it.
Now you made me think if and how I messed anything up myself since we've been married!

CurlewKate · 22/10/2025 11:02

It depends. If he forgot, or got caught up with other things, then remembered and called me to explain/apologise then obviously it’s not a problem. If he said he’d do something, then chose to do something else instead, then that well
might be a problem.