If you have a really really good SO, do you let small things slide?

[Lucyluck2]

Just curious really. I’m blessed with the most wonderful DP. Sometimes I wonder how he manages to stay on top of putting everyone’s needs above his own.

He’s a human though and once in a while he doesn’t.

He offered to help me out with something big today and I told him it really wasn’t needed, but I’d absolutely love if he could cook the dinner we bought for tonight so I could get my thing finished.

He said he would, of course, and would go and do what he needed to get done today and would be back to do dinner.

He’s just told me he’s made plans this evening to have tea with his brother so won’t be home till much later. No acknowledgement of our prior plans at all.

It’s no big deal at all. I can put the food in the freezer and order a takeaway.

This man so rarely lets me (or anyone!) down. My first instinct was annoyance but, on balance, this is such an isolated incident.

I’m not really looking for opinions on my specific situation but curious to hear from others lucky enough to have such a lovely DP, and whether it means you let things go when they do mess up? Or maybe not your DP but a friend or your kids?

YANU - No, say something! If he’s pissed you off, he’s pissed you off!

YANBU - If someone does their best most of the time, let the occasional thing slide.

Cost! Circa £1 versus goodness knows what. Perhaps I’m cut from different cloth or maybe country life has different priorities. And healthy? Really?

I wouldn't expect any partner to be perfect and I wouldn't ever be thinking in terms like 'letting things slide' or 'pulling him up' in a relationship. That doesn't feel like a relationship to me; he's my partner, not my employee or a child.

I realise everyone's relationships are different and I'm not saying anyone's right/wrong, but just answering the question from my own point of view. If someone is the right man for me, it means we share values and get along and have broadly the same notions of how we should live and get along together - it's not about expecting them to adhere to a set of specific rules and be told off if they don't keep to them.

In the situation you describe, if one of us announced they were going out for dinner having previously promised to cook, the conversation would go:

'Wait, what happened to you cooking tonight?'
'Oh fuck! I forgot! Sorry! Do you mind? I can cancel my plan with my brother if you like.'
'Haha, you doofus. Nah, don't worry, I'll order a pizza'.
'Are you sure? Sorry, I completely forgot I was cooking.'
'Yeah, totally sure. If the chicken's about to go out of date I'll stick it in the freezer.'

That would be the sole conversation about it and nobody would be annoyed because human beings occasionally forget things and it's really not a big deal to have a slight change of plan.

If my partner was saying things like 'Hmmm, my girlfriend made a mistake today. Should I address it with her or let it slide?' as if I was his secretary who'd failed to complete her to-do list, I would think he was being overbearing and patronising.

Sounds to me like he had simply forgotten that he promised to make dinner, otherwise would like have said "I know I promised to make dinner but ....."

So step 1 is I'd raise it but as a reminder not an outburst. He might go " oops yes sorry ill cancel the plan with my brother"

The one thing I wouldn't do is just sat there fuming saying nothing and assuming things that might not be true.

Well... why not a takeaway?

If you prefer something on toast to a takeaway, that's fine, but if someone fancies something less abstemious and has access to a delivery service, it's hardly a crime to get a curry delivered, is it?!

Why shouldn’t she treat herself to a takeaway if that’s what she fancies? 🙄

Not saying it's right, but I'd probably either be quietly annoyed until it came out later on or just go ahead and say right then, 'But I thought we were going to have (fill in the blank).' Or 'Okay... We can just put the (fill in the blank) in the freezer for another time.'

Things sometimes slip DH's mind. It can feel hurtful or frustrating when he seems to intentionally, unilaterally change plans, but often if I just ask, it turns out that he's forgotten we'd even made those (casual) plans.

I think it's okay to verbally acknowledge that this is change of plan, especially if you think he's not just forgotten. He can do you the courtesy of at least saying, 'I know we talked about abc, but now something's come up so I'd like to do xyz instead, if that's alright with you.' It doesn't have to be a confrontation or even a long conversation, but I'd rather get it out in the open right away.

I agree, let it go - it's insignificant. Noone's perfect. I wouldn't expect my partner to be annoyed about this.

This is lovely perspective. I’m so sorry for your loss.

My partner is wonderful and does so much for me, for our baby, my family, and around the house. I am so lucky to have him! But of course he’s human and small things happen every now and then that irritate me (having a midnight snack during the night feeds and leaving his dirty plate on the side, or going for a quick lie down when he finishes work and accidentally falling asleep for an hour leaving me bored/lonely/dinner is later than usual etc)… but I absolutely let them slide as in the grand scheme of things it’s no big deal. And I’m sure I do little things like this too that irritate him every now and then, but he doesn’t turn it into a big drama.

I wouldn't make a big deal of it, but I would probably have said something at the time. "Oh that's a shame, I was looking forward to you making dinner!" kind of thing. I wouldn't care about the change of plan, but I might be a little bit ? about why he didn't apologise for breaking our plans. I think it's fine to let things go but only when it's genuine and you're not pushing down anger or resentment over it.

Why would it be a problem? People change their mind all the time, remember things or something unexpected comes up.
If he was cancelling something you had pre planned that would not be nice but to miss out just to come home and cook a meal seems crazy.
I would have tea and toast and enjoy a bit of time on my own.

My husband has fucked up this week in a bit of organisation that has meant the load is heavier for me this week. He was ill this weekend and he's messed up. He's human, it happens.

I think what makes a difference is the spirit in which the problem is treated. If he acknowledges the error and is sincerely apologetic it's no big deal.

(My husband is being miserably defensive which is a pain in the arse because I'm not in the mood to pander to his guilt AND deal with the consequences of his fuck up.)

I would say something. The same way I would with anybody who bailed on plans with me without any acknowledgement.

I would not make a huge big deal but would raise it.

You let it slide. You only have to read some of the threads on here to see how seemingly rare a good man is these days. My DH manages to run a business, is a fantastic father and husband, pulls his weight around the house, can fix anything which I find super sexy, and drops everything if really needed. I don't know how he doesn't burn out! So if he decides to pop in on his brother when he is going by that way I don't care as long as he lets me know what time he is due back for dinner.

You are ok to be annoyed, but I wouldn't make a thing out of it.

My husband is about as good as they come. Works hard, cares for me, cares for our child (in all senses), cooks, does his fair share around the house without me having to ask, keeps on top of his finances and doesn't control mine, never speaks to me like shit, I could go on. When I see the examples of men people are dealing with on here, I often feel like I don't deserve him, and I probably don't show him how thankful I am for him anywhere near enough.

That said, he's a human and therefore imperfect. Some things I'll let slide because it isn't worth my time mentioning, e.g he ALWAYS closes the washing machine door when he empties it. It doesn't matter how many times I've asked him to leave it open, it's one of those things he just doesn't remember so I can't be bothered to make an issue of it.
But when, like yesterday I didn't feel he was being massively helpful with a strong willed child who didn't want to get ready for school, I pointed out to him that a little intervention might be welcome.

He might feel like I moan at him endlessly, and sometimes will make jokey comments to that effect, but if something is bothering me that I feel actually matters, I'm going to say it. Just because he's an otherwise great husband, doesn't mean he can "get away" with whatever he wants.

Is it a ‘priority of country life’ to make weird, utterly joyless judgements about the eating and spending habits of strangers, then?

What business is it of yours how much the OP chooses to spend on her food, or whether she eats one unhealthy dinner, or fancies a treat? What exactly is the problem here?!

maybe country life has different priorities

Never change, Mumsnet 😂

My DH goes to the gym 4 times a week come hell or high water. Always has done since before we got together, over 20 years ago. I've got a life limiting illness that causes dreadful pain and fatigue, plus bedtimes are really tricky, with one of our DC being ND. Some nights I could really really do with him being here and I do feel irritated but try to bite my tongue. If there's anything especially majorly wrong at home then he will skip the gym of course, but for the most part I'm on my own for those couple of hours.

The reason I let it go is because he's the dream husband in every other way. Really hard working, very hands on, always puts us first (apart from on his gym nights!), level headed, calm, loving, affectionate, smart and funny. Plus he is fitter, looks better, and has more energy than a typical early 50's man, because of the gym. So it's a price I'm willing to pay. Even though it pisses me off sometimes!

'I’m not really looking for opinions on my specific situation.'

Why not? Because you don't wish to view your OH as anything other than the object of perfection you paint him as?

So, let's not comment on your 'specific situation' but use it as an example.

Unless he had forgotten about the arrangement, I think your OH's behaviour was rude. The polite message would have been:

'Sorry, I know that I said I would cook dinner tonight but my brother has just asked me to stay to eat at his. Would you mind? I can cook for us tomorrow?'

I love my OH bits, too. He is an incredibly kind man also. In this scenario, I would either assume that he'd forgotten about our dinner or simply did not want to do it - and if that was the case, I would ask him why.

Firstly I’d assumed he’d genuinely forgotten or got his wires crossed rather than was just not acknowledging our prior plans.

based on that I’d probably say something like ‘oi, what about our dinner plans’ (which I recognise may sound narky but he knows it’s jokey)

at which point he’d apologise and either offer to cancel or say something along the lines of X just came up

either way I’d tell him not to cancel, overdramatically declare I’ll simply be forced to get myself insert take out or treat dinner here and that I expect him to make it up to me.

but this is how we communicate and he’s do the same the other way round. And by ‘make it up to me’ it’s not anything dramatic. He’ll either come home with a chocolate bar, or bring me a cup of tea the next day or give me a foot rub etc. but these are also all things he does for me anyway (and I him) because we love each other and do nice things for each other every day. So it’s actually any different to normal. It’s just when he brings the cup of tea he’ll say ‘to make up for last night’ I’ll call him a forgetful plonker and we’ll laugh about it and move on.

This way it’s not gone unmentioned but also it’s been let slide because there’s no actual annoyance

No one is perfect.

As much as we dont want to think it, I imagine our husbands let a hell of lot slide that annoy/frustrate them.

No idea what an SO is. Anyone? Only standing order.

Surely everyone lets things slide all the time? You're partners, not policemen monitoring one another for infractions.

The dinner thing is no biggie, sounds like he just forgot. If he did it a lot that would be a different matter.

I have to say that to me, this idea of "letting things slide" or "picking him up on it" as well as the sort of assessment of his performance as a husband is a bit computer-like! And actually has parenting type vibes. I don't really think of my DH, or my friends, in those terms. I don't feel like it's up to me to let him "get away" with not doing what was requested! If he feels like he has to do something else rather than do something for me then I respect his choice as he's an autonomous adult.Yeah i'll probably think to myself "fuck me that's annoying" but i wouldn't actually say anything. I mean I would if it was somone i was essentially in charge of, like my children.

Exactly, it's very odd.