If you have a really really good SO, do you let small things slide?

[Lucyluck2]

Just curious really. I’m blessed with the most wonderful DP. Sometimes I wonder how he manages to stay on top of putting everyone’s needs above his own.

He’s a human though and once in a while he doesn’t.

He offered to help me out with something big today and I told him it really wasn’t needed, but I’d absolutely love if he could cook the dinner we bought for tonight so I could get my thing finished.

He said he would, of course, and would go and do what he needed to get done today and would be back to do dinner.

He’s just told me he’s made plans this evening to have tea with his brother so won’t be home till much later. No acknowledgement of our prior plans at all.

It’s no big deal at all. I can put the food in the freezer and order a takeaway.

This man so rarely lets me (or anyone!) down. My first instinct was annoyance but, on balance, this is such an isolated incident.

I’m not really looking for opinions on my specific situation but curious to hear from others lucky enough to have such a lovely DP, and whether it means you let things go when they do mess up? Or maybe not your DP but a friend or your kids?

YANU - No, say something! If he’s pissed you off, he’s pissed you off!

YANBU - If someone does their best most of the time, let the occasional thing slide.

Yes, you've put it very well.

But there is an expectation that he will always put OPs needs above his own so that’s why it comes across this way

i I wouldn’t have considered him saying he would cook dinner a plan tbh - I don’t really see him not cooking dinner as him letting her down as she’s quite capable of feeding herself. But then I also don’t get having a meal planned that far in advance either so accept that’s just a difference in how you see things

But it doesn’t need to be ‘drama’ at all. Is there a reason you didn’t simply say ‘Had you forgotten you’re responsible for dinner while I finish X?

This sort of thing happens all the time in my household - 2 older teenagers, DH & me - things shift across the day (trains delayed, work pressures, older family members needing assistance etc). Barely a ripple.

In this example we do always have food in the freezer that can be quickly zapped or I’m always happy to choose Deliveroo. I wouldn’t have given it more thought than that.

My husband is amazing and does so much for me and us but he never checks his emails even though I've asked him to and ended up costing us nearly £50 yesterday by not cancelling something that should have been cancelled and he had received many emails about.

It's annoying because he's an adult. I could look after his emails but I don't think I should (and he doesn't really want me to) and he checks his work emails... But still here we are.

It is hard because it is so deeply aggravating, but at the same time I am well aware how much effort he puts in generally and how hard he works so I'm trying to let it slide... But I'm not good at letting things slide...

Perhaps I should email him about it 🤣

I think it depends on the impact. In our house - busy jobs, busy additional training commitments, busy ferrying teens everywhere and trying to make time to be available to them that coalign with when they want to be with us 🤣, if one of us drops a ball or changes plans last minute the whole bloody edifice crumbles.

So if my DH did what yours has done I’d be annoyed and would say something!

It doesn't read like he's being an arse, just that he forgot he'd already made a commitment to cook for you both tonight.

"Let it slide" seems like the wrong sentiment since it doesn't seem to be on purpose or part of a pattern of incompetence/thoughtlessness

You can say something that acknowledges the fact he forget his agreement with you, so you're not quite getting what you need and also allows him to be imperfect and forget stuff and let's him have a good time with his brother without his guilt or your resentment festering.

"No worries at all, did you forget that your were cooking tonight so I could crack on with my thing? It doesn't matter, we can have that tomorrow, I'll get a takeaway tonight. Have a lovely time with your brother"

Of course I do. I figure that a man who never put a foot wrong would want and deserve a woman who was the same, and that's not me. So if my good enough is good enough for him, his good enough is good enough for me.

Do you have an open an honest relationship where you can say anything to each other? Or do you carefully manage his feelings? Just say in a neutral tone something like 'I think you forgot that you were going to do dinner' and see what he says? Could he not have pre-made dinner before going out anyway?

Yes. My DH is pretty special, he goes out of his way to make me happy and my happiness is his happiness.

so I’m not bothered when he leaves wet towels on the bed, tidies my things away when I have not finished with them and uses my hair trimmer to deal with his nose hair. He’d happily perform oral to make up for his shortcomings even if I was.

Let it slide.

id make a comment about our plans, but generally I let small things go. Living with another adult is bound to result in moments of friction or conflict, but unless a behavioural change is needed (like mine reminds me to use coasters), we let it slide

I think it sounds like he forgot, which is definitely something DH would do, and it sounds like you hadn't really made firm plans - you said it doesnt really matter but could you do this....? In which case maybe he thought it didn't really matter....and then his brother asked....so he assumed it wouldn't be a big deal to go ahead and say yes...

Yes my DH would be very likely to do this and so I know to make my wishes clear if it is important to me rather than assume he will get the hint.

As to whether it's a big deal or not, it depends really on the situation - is it just the two of you, or has he left you with 4 hungry children waiting for you to finish work?

If DH went off and left me without dinner I would happily scoff his pizza from the freezer, or see it as an opportunity to experiment and concoct some weird veggy recipe that carnivore DH would turn his nose up at.

But if he fucked off and left our DC hungry with no tea when he knows I was working late, then strong words would be had 🤬

DH is not a self centered twat so option 2 wouldn't happen, unless an emergency with his brother in which case it would be instantly forgivable even if I was a bit pissed off at the time.

The saying ‘pick your battles’ is what I’d use here.

Tea isn’t relationship ending if it’s once in a while, being lazy and never cooking tea IS a deal breaker.

So why not just ask?

I would just say - oh I thought you were in for tea tonight, what's up with DBIL, is he ok?

If DHs response was "nothing is up with him I just thought tea with you was boring so I went to the pub with him instead", then that would be very different from "oh shit I forgot you said to put dinner on, sorry" or "DB said he was suicidal so I thought Id better go and see him straight away".

So we can't really guess what's going through your DPs head.

If you feel you cant even ask him then your situation is so different from my relationship I'm not sure that saying what my DH would do would be any help to you 🤷

I’m really curious as to what was going through your mind when you decided not to say ‘Great — give my regards to X. You’re still sorting dinner, right?’ Then he can order a takeaway or whatever, and still pursue his plans.

This is all shit I would not let slide, so I guess we are all different 😂

@MsWilmottsGhost he paid for my cosmetic dental care today so I’ll happily put those towels away and empty the trimmer on his bedside table

Great, what ever works for you.

I pay for my own dental care, and don't expect to sleep in a damp bed.

Ouch. That sucks

😂

There is a lot that I let go of, however I am only human and sometimes make a sarky comment if I’m less than impressed to let him know on those rare occasions (which miraculously seem to coincide with my period… strange huh 😂) but generally my hubby is wonderful.

I’ve to read a post talking about nice husbands for a change!

I'd have said, "I thought you were making dinner for the kids? Can you go out after that?"

If your relationship is so great, then why on earth would you not simply and straight-forwardly reply saying “that’s ok, but did you forget we had made x plans?”. Now you’re simmering with resentment over an honest mistake.

He’s either forgotten or thought it was a different day - I’m sure he’ll feel terrible when he realises.

Hold on, you’re posting this at 10am, he’s just told you he’s out with his brother now, it’s hardly letting you down @Lucyluck2

letting you down would be not telling you until you get home.

honestly, he’s done nothing wrong (from your op) it’s a change of plan and you have the day to sort something out for yourself for later or even sort a takeaway, it’s hardly inconvenient.