If you have a really really good SO, do you let small things slide?

[Lucyluck2]

Just curious really. I’m blessed with the most wonderful DP. Sometimes I wonder how he manages to stay on top of putting everyone’s needs above his own.

He’s a human though and once in a while he doesn’t.

He offered to help me out with something big today and I told him it really wasn’t needed, but I’d absolutely love if he could cook the dinner we bought for tonight so I could get my thing finished.

He said he would, of course, and would go and do what he needed to get done today and would be back to do dinner.

He’s just told me he’s made plans this evening to have tea with his brother so won’t be home till much later. No acknowledgement of our prior plans at all.

It’s no big deal at all. I can put the food in the freezer and order a takeaway.

This man so rarely lets me (or anyone!) down. My first instinct was annoyance but, on balance, this is such an isolated incident.

I’m not really looking for opinions on my specific situation but curious to hear from others lucky enough to have such a lovely DP, and whether it means you let things go when they do mess up? Or maybe not your DP but a friend or your kids?

YANU - No, say something! If he’s pissed you off, he’s pissed you off!

YANBU - If someone does their best most of the time, let the occasional thing slide.

It’s hard to know how to phrase it though.

I really isn’t a big deal and doesn’t change the trajectory of my day at all.

But I am curious to know what did or didn’t go through his head when he made other plans, having said he’d cook us dinner. And to not even mention it when he told me his new plan.

Yes. He’s going through a divorce.

He 100% would let it slide.

Interesting topic. My DH fits the bill for this discussion, and I am someone who does let (the very rare) little things slide. DH asks that I don't, he's tried to foster an open communication channel for all the little things we BOTH do that might rub the other up the wrong way so that we can discuss and put it to bed before moving forward. Someone else has mentioned that by letting things slide, resentment can build up and I agree with that.

I struggle to bring up things that bother me due to a previous relationship and I'm still learning that it's OK to voice discontent at minor things despite the bigger picture being a good one. I hate the thought that DH might think I'm being unfairly critical when 99% of the time he's fantastic, but he WANTS to know if something has bothered me so that he can avoid doing it again or understand why it bothered me so much. He exercises this towards me and part of the learning curve for me has been being totally open about the little things as my initial reaction was 'well I let little things slide so why can't he?' (resentment). But that's on me to learn to be open, which I am making progress on!

So my vote is YABU for that reason!

As others have said, I would acknowledge that he’d said he’d make dinner, such as saying I’d keep the food for tomorrow or put it in the freezer for another day. I wouldn’t make a big deal of it.
My parenting style has always been “is this a hill you want to die on? Choose your battles” otherwise you can be constantly nitpicking at every little thing.
If it’s something that I know will drive me nuts if it continues then I would definitely pick up on it. If it’s rude, disrespectful or unacceptable behaviour then also yes. If it was a situation like this where it was a small one off mistake I would acknowledge as i mentioned above or make a joke of it like “cheers then I’ll make my own dinner” but i certainly wouldn’t be making a big deal of it.

Interested in the responses as I've also been debating this recently. We have two very small children and DP pulls his weight hugely - up in the night with the older one, doing housework, and also working an intense, gruelling job with long hours.

I'm also doing a lot (and equally intense job) but I'm currently on mat leave. He's forgotten a few random things for the kids - done things like said he will do XYZ and then doesn't. It's really frustrating - but I wonder if I should cut him some slack as he's such a good partner in general. Hard to know

YANBU. Life is too short to pull people up on every little wrongdoing or mistake.

I always think people must have utterly miserable relationships if they don’t have the ability to just let things go sometimes.

This to me isnt an example of something thats a 'let slide' situation, as I'd just say 'just checking, you said you'd make dinner for us later, is this you saying thats no longer the case?' To which he'd go 'shit, yes sorry I forgot' etc. Im not sure why this would be a let slide moment sorry, surely you'd clarify as part of the conversation?
To me, let slide is me saying to my DP 'it would be great if your travel washbag could go back in the cupboard' and him forgetting every time he gets back from a trip, but me not saying anything because he is otherwise lovely and conscientious and I too have minor messy habits.

I love this! I come from a family where no one ever let anything go and my dad was constantly getting it in the neck from my mum. My brothers both now have really domineering wives and I’m hardwired to feel affronted about every minor thing.

I’m trying to break that cycle!

Yes if I've been thoughtless I would rather be told about it so I can do better next time rather than be oblivious!

Yes, give and take as no one is perfect. Side issue here albeit from someone living rurally with zero Deliveroo etc - but why a take away? Don’t you have beans or egg on toast. I’d be looking for reduced effort feeding just myself.

I can almost certainly answer that: nothing went through his head as he'd forgotten he offered to make dinner.

I get the impression that it wasn't the original plan for him to make dinner? He offered to help with something else, you said no but he could do dinner instead, and he agreed?

Whenever I drop the ball it's because it's something outside my usual routine. I get wrapped up in something else then revert to autopilot.

No one is perfect and there will be a degree of “letting things slide” in marriages for them to last but I always voice when something has annoyed me or when I think he could have done something differently. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling him you’re a bit miffed with his decision but I also wouldn’t be too annoyed over it.

why not? We have great, healthy options here as I live in a big city. I’ve been doing manual work all day and don’t want beans on toast!

To add though, I’d have immediately replied with “thought you were making me dinner?” When my DH had told me of his dinner plans. Did you not say that at the time?

I find it strange that you say you don’t know how to phrase it. That sounds like you’re treading on eggshells.

My partner is lovely, very thoughtful, considerate etc and if he told me he was going out after we’d arranged that he’d be making dinner for us, I’d just say ‘what happened to you making us dinner?’. I wouldn’t need to think how to phrase it. It wouldn’t be an issue, but it would just be weird to not mention it. I’d presume he had somehow forgotten, and he’d be more bothered when he did remember if I had just not said anything at the time.

You say that he puts others before himself all the time. But sometimes he slips up and doesn’t and how do you deal with it?

I think you deal with it by acknowledging he doesn’t have to put his needs below everyone else’s all the time

in this case would have just replied ‘no problem, I’ll pop the food in the freezer for another night and get a takeaway. Have fun with your brother’

It’s not something I’ve found easy as I had quite a critical parent growing up - but DH is super laid back and never pulls me up on any of my silly errors so I’ve learned to offer him the same courtesy.

This is a lovely response, thank you.

As I said in a PP, I’m trying to break some learned habits from my own upbringing and not make him feel crap about something that doesn’t need to be a drama.

Same! What a pleasure it is to be with someone who helps break these habits!

It’s not a case of letting it go though. It’s a case of it being really odd to not mention the plans you’d agreed on when he changed them without him saying ‘oh actually I’m going to go out with my brother tonight so I won’t be doing dinner after all’. If he’s lovely, then he would have mentioned it or he’s just genuinely forgot, which is ok, doesn’t need to be a big deal, but it would be weird to not acknowledge. Surely he’ll remember at some point and think how bloody odd that you didn’t say anything. 😂 it’s weird that you see what would be a normal conversation as in some way pulling him up on it.

It also comes down to how often these things happen

if your partner was constantly forgetting or constantly messing up doing a chore etc then there comes a point where you will end up constantly snapping at them

it’s where the whole ‘she’s a nag’ comes from - perhaps not having to constantly ask would lead to less snapping!!

so it’s best to just be open about these things rather than letting them fester

Yes we both let little things slide all the time because life is too short.

If it really annoyed me I'd say something, but it wouldn't turn into an argument. I let certain things slide like his messiness! I'm sure he does with me too 🤣

My late OH was very similar. He always put me first so the rare times he messed up a little bit I decided I had to put him first and let it slide.

I started doing it around 2 years into our relationship and it didn't start some slippery slope where he slowly became shit. He kept being his wonderful self with a small mistake once or twice a year. We were together 15 years total.

I'd fuck up sometimes too and loved that he always responded "ok how shall we fix this" rather than getting angry or annoyed. He taught me a lot about how to be better person.