I cancelled overseas work trip for my wife’s fake 'wedding'… & still made to do the school run today?

[Daddydog]

I need a reality check - exactly as the title says!

My wife and I both travel for work. October is a critical month for me — it’s when key matters need to be handled in person, ending with a major event.

Months before, she had two potential off-and-on trips coming up — one for her job (corporate, less flexible) and one for an old friend’s Mediterranean destination “wedding.”

Because her work can’t move as easily as mine, I let her have first choice of dates so I could plan around her. Her company took weeks to confirm, and when she finally did, her trip clashed perfectly with mine.

Her dad kindly offered to cover the couple of days we’d both be away, but when she decided to fly straight from the work trip to the wedding, it meant he’d be stuck with the kids much longer. He was stressed about it, so I toook the and cancelled my trip altogether.

At the last minute, her work trip was cancelled anyway — too late for me — but she still went to the “wedding.” last week.

Before she left she did the usual ASOS fashion show of her new outfits. None of it looked remotely ‘wedding’ — more pool party clothes - asked if it was a Beach Wedding? That’s when she first said wasn’t the wedding, that 'already happened'.

The next day as we were talking as she was leaving and asked about the theme of the Reception… That too 'already happened' - ages ago. This was the Post Wedding Party.

Anyway she arrives. Don't hear at all from her for the 5 days - odd - no photos of party/beach/venue.

When she got home I asked about the 'Wedding' Party. You guessed it, the party already 'happened'. In short it was your average island villa-party holiday. How silly I felt!

That I could probably have shrugged off, but next thing out of her mouth after the fake wedding was she has to in in meetings by '7:30 a.m. tomorrow' so I have to do the school run!

I said no — and nothing was going to change my mind. I never ever say no but this time it felt good! I felt I was on the side of righteousness!

This morning I wake up to her voice on the baby monitor talking to the kids in the other room. She sneaked out ridiculously early to work for her meeting and I would be forced to miss mine and do her obvious turn for school run.

The kicker? After my trip got canceled, I’d rearranged everything and used miles to turn my postponed trip into a family one! We fly tomorrow and I honestly feel so used and deflated. I know she doesn't mean to be like this but I am stuck on what to do next?

This is a no from me.

The lack of respect the lack of "team" the lack of care....

It's all a big No.

I’d kick her into touch immediately. She sounds vile and disrespectful. You are facilitating her bullying you.

No, it can’t be. It’s completely unacceptable.
You need to sort this out, because if you don’t, you are enabling (and modelling to your children) behaviour that is not OK!

Grow a pair. Sit her down, tell her you don’t want to hear any of her gaslighting nonsense - things change NOW or she has to leave. End of.

Oh bless you, we were really drowning for a while.

But everyone has some sort of stress, it's all relative. But we just seem to turn on each other with ours.

With regards to lying - There is a lot of guilt from some past events shes dealing with so it's on another level. Her mum guilt is on another level. She would never go more than 1 day without a video call with the girls no matter what. As this holiday wasn't 100% truthful and she actually cannot line and I think in her mind she went dark?

Stop making excuses for her appalling behaviour. You are enabling it.

She didn’t even make contact with the kids for the whole trip? That would be it for me, she sounds like a selfish, self obsessed Love Island type.

Stop making excuses for her, you need to communicate and be open about the impact this is having on you and the family. Long term it's not sustainable, someone with Mum guilt doesn't make up a wedding and not contact home for 5 days. There's more to this story for sure.

You talk weird for a dude

I’m sorry OP. She does mean it. She sounds like my ex demon in-law. She broke my brother. Take the children away in your own if you can. Then plan your escape

I was just thinking you don't hear men saying "bless you" very often...

That's when I knew 100% this was not a wedding. Whenever she does anything 'entirely selfless' she feels guilty about it and it manifests itself in odd behaviour, exactly like this. I can't call her out on because she doesn't even know she's aware she's doing it. The worst part I understand why but I'm just slowly fading

You are her narcissistic supply. I can read the doubt in what you’re writing. Imagine one of your friends reading this out, or if you can get one of them to, as if they were you. You have to then hear it and think of what advice you would give them. Sorry, I know I’m blunt, but I always speak up when I see this kind of thing because I couldn’t help my brother, I wanted to see him through his worst times but I couldn’t. His worst times were solely down to her

That’s weird she didn’t contact the kids. Which makes me wonder if shes been away with a bloke who doesn't know shes married with kids…..Not a fake wedding thing at all.

Id secretly be in her phone having a nosey to find the truth.

I know others may say that’s wrong but if I was about to walk away from a marriage I’d want the full info before confronting her about whatever has happened behind my back. There’s kids who could be hurt here.

The resentment and dislike of her drips from your post. Given she didn't want to speak to you for 5 days, I'm guessing she's no more fond of you. You need to do yourselves a favour and seperate. Or if logistics won't allow, then at least have a frank conversation where you agree how you will manage your joint responsibilities going forward so you raise your children as a co parenting team rather than like two cats sneaking around and hissing at each other in an alley.

I also don’t understand why you keep saying bless you. It’s odd in this situation.
Don’t make excuses for her lying and disrespect .

I'm realising now this cannot be our life over and over again

Oh, I guarantee it will be because you have no intention of changing.

I like to think of myself as a renaissance man 🤭 grew up in a matriarchal family on both sides, house full of strong women, and only have daughters - guess that probably tracks 🤭

That's exactly it. When I sucked up 4 years of basically abuse because she was not really out of all control due to the situation - I had to keep telling myself "this isn't really her - I can see the woman I love still in there". She's in there, it's just is there enough of me to keep going?

When she got to the other side, her mind basically 'deleted' the stuff she didn't want to think about so there this dark, grim chapter that was never resolved because only I can 'let it go'. She has no memory of any of it. Tried counciling, NLP, Talking therapy - which really helped. I'm sure it's just the fact we are run ragged that I am forgetting how to make it work. Time for a top up!

This is one way toad marriage you are in. If you carry on like this it will totally drain you out until you have nothing left to fight for. I would very much recommend some good counselling just for your self to begin with and take it from there. And I wouldn’t even tell your wife you were getting help until you were ready to stand up to her and confront her. Even though she went through some terrible times it doesn’t excuse her narcissistic behaviour. Please get help!!

How come you can now take a family holiday at your “critical” time of year?

Also, why are you using AI to write your posts?

But 'when' do you give up?

I still see and love the person but I know that at the end of the day I'm not being treated as I deserve and being hurt in the quiet life. If I right now give in and get off the one mountain I am standing on - we moved forwards but a bit of me dies inside and today I don't feel like there is much of me even left. Or shall I leave for the airport now, without my wife - my amazing girls and just go to 'work'. If I do that, maybe the gift of missing me may work - but I know how she is seeing things, I would have abandoned her.

She doesn't understand why and I can't get through to her

But what difference does it make to you whether it was an actual legally binding marriage ceremony or just a party to celebrate a wedding that's already happened?
She wanted to go, she went, she came back. Same as if it was a wedding rather than a 'wedding'.

Haha no - This is who I am. I'm actually a poet (and in my youth) and rapper (not a very successful one) 😝

Sounds very ChatGPT to me….

I’d assume she’s having an affair. That’s the only logical thing and she thinks you’re stupidly and won’t notice.