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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I tell him?

103 replies

Anyusernamewilldo2025 · 20/10/2025 17:24

Had sex with a guy I met after chatting for a while and agreeing fwb. A few days later he gave some bullshit reason why he could no longer be fwb, honestly I'm pretty sure he got back with his ex/they hadn't actually split up (i was not aware or suspicious of this until after we hooked up)

Now discovered I'm pregnant, yep stupid I know. I can't continue the pregnancy and have made the appointment but do I give him the courtesy of telling him?

YABU he has a right to know/tell him

YANBU given the decision is made no point in telling him

OP posts:
Comedycook · 20/10/2025 17:25

I wouldn't tell him. Hope you're ok.

MidlandsGal1 · 20/10/2025 17:27

I wouldn’t tell him.

bugalugs45 · 20/10/2025 17:29

No need to tell him , you’ve made your decision. I’d also get myself tested for STIs at the earliest opportunity

Ellie1015 · 20/10/2025 17:29

I cant see any need to tell him.

londongirl12 · 20/10/2025 17:29

I wouldn’t tell him. What would be the point if you’ve made your mind up. He either won’t give a shit, or it’ll upset him, which he can’t do anything about.

TheatricalLife · 20/10/2025 17:30

Absolutely no reason to tell him at all.

GreyCarpet · 20/10/2025 17:30

He doesn't have a right to know your medical information, no.

Buffysoldersister · 20/10/2025 17:31

I wouldn't involve him, unless you move in the same circles and have told mutual friends or it's likely to get back to him in some other way.

Original poster
Anyusernamewilldo2025 · 20/10/2025 17:47

The only way he would find out is if I told him. I agree with @londongirl12 and I don't know him very well but I suspect he'd be more not give a shit over being upset and honestly I don't really care what his reaction is as that's his feelings or not to deal with. It's more wanting a clear conscience and whilst there won't be a need for ongoing contact as I'm not continuing the pregnancy so its not like his life may blow up in 18yrs it just seems wrong 🤷🏼‍♀️ to not tell him?

I do suspect he will come sniffing around again if they have a fight/break up and he will get told to jog on

OP posts:
Original poster
Anyusernamewilldo2025 · 20/10/2025 17:51

bugalugs45 · 20/10/2025 17:29

No need to tell him , you’ve made your decision. I’d also get myself tested for STIs at the earliest opportunity

Yes that's also been arranged thank you as I hadn't thought about it until the GP mentioned it.
The condom split but as it didn't 'fully' split it was more of a tear and it was unclear if any had indeed leaked out (sorry tmi I don't know how to word it!) So I dont know if that makes less chance of anything but then clearly it wasn't less chance of a pregnancy so...!

OP posts:
Comedycook · 20/10/2025 17:53

It's more wanting a clear conscience

Nah...forget that. You don't owe him anything. Don't feel guilty. It's your decision.

Tanya285 · 20/10/2025 18:11

Why would saying 'I'm pregnant but I'm not having it whether you like it or not' give you a clearer conscience? It would be unfair to do that when he has no control over the situation, just to make you feel better. You've made the decision as is your right, and there's no reason for him to know.

HoskinsChoice · 20/10/2025 18:11

I'd tell him. You are carrying all the burden whilst he gets off scot free. I'd ensure he knew the mess he has made which will hopefully make him be more careful next time he has a one night stand.

Poppyseeds79 · 20/10/2025 18:21

HoskinsChoice · 20/10/2025 18:11

I'd tell him. You are carrying all the burden whilst he gets off scot free. I'd ensure he knew the mess he has made which will hopefully make him be more careful next time he has a one night stand.

Err, they both freely consented to have sex, and used a condom. It's neither persons fault the condom split.

Brightbluesomething · 20/10/2025 18:23

I wouldn’t tell him. You’ve enough to deal with without any kind of negative reaction from him about a situation he can’t control. His response isn’t likely to be positive. Save yourself the drama.

Umy15r03lcha1 · 20/10/2025 18:24

Don't tell him!!

Original poster
Anyusernamewilldo2025 · 20/10/2025 20:31

Tanya285 · 20/10/2025 18:11

Why would saying 'I'm pregnant but I'm not having it whether you like it or not' give you a clearer conscience? It would be unfair to do that when he has no control over the situation, just to make you feel better. You've made the decision as is your right, and there's no reason for him to know.

I can't really articulate why it feels wrong/not right to not tell him? We did have a conversation when discussing contraception and he knows that I could not have another pregnancy/child so he would understand and support the decision (if he even cared which I doubt) I think it's more clear cut if I was continuing the pregnancy as then there would be a new human who's life would be affected by any decisions I make and I absolutely agree that given there won't be a new human and he does have no choice/control about that so why bother telling him, there's just something not sitting right about not telling him and I don't understand what that niggling part of my thinking is? My reasons for not continuing the pregnancy are not to do with him being the 'dad' I would be unable to continue the pregnancy even if he was a long term partner

OP posts:
Poppyseeds79 · 20/10/2025 21:54

The thing is that you've already made your decision OP, as is your right of course to do so and it's fully your choice to make. But this guy isn't even a FWB, nevermind a friend.

At best he'll be sympathetic towards you, at worse he'll not even want to know. Or even more horrifically he might make out that you're not being truthful and wanting to 'get back at him', for calling off the original fwb plan... I just don't see any gain for yourself in sharing this information with him?

Better to just take care of yourself in a traumatic situation and not involve him at all.

KittyFanesParasol · 20/10/2025 23:36

Best wishes OP.

GreyCarpet · 21/10/2025 08:28

I can't really articulate why it feels wrong/not right to not tell him?

I had a termination nearly 30 years ago in similar circumstances.

I also wondered if I should tell him.

I didn't for the following reasons.

We weren't a couple. It wasn't a decision we were making. I was an independent person making a decision for myself and my life.

What good would it have done? The best case scenario was that he wouldn't have cared either way. Worst case scenario was that he'd have been upset, which still wouldn't have changed my mind.

I've never regretted my decisions.

I'm telling you that so you know I'm coming from a place of experience and not just what I think I would do.

Is your reason for feeling that way because you believe yourself to be an honest, good, loyal, kind person and not telling him feels you'd be going against that?

If so, yes, it's important to be honest, good, loyal, decent and kind but you are also allowed to be the focus of that kindness, decency and loyalty.

CinnamonBuns67 · 21/10/2025 08:32

Accidentally pressed Yabu sorry. But YANBU if you 100% know aren't carrying on with the pregnancy theres no point telling him. If you end up changing your mind (not saying you will) then that would be the point you should tell him.

sexlesshusbandwoes · 21/10/2025 08:34

Why would you want to tell him? Unless in your heart you are hoping he begs you to keep it and be with him/co-parent which would also be a massive disaster as he isn’t actually into you. It’s your choice but you deserve someone who wants to be with you. We all do

3flyingducksarrive · 21/10/2025 08:36

I had a similar situation in my early 20's and went ahead with the termination. He came from a very Catholic family and the pressure could have been enormous to carry to term. I've never regretted not telling him.

CurlewKate · 21/10/2025 08:39

Absolutely don’t tell him. None of his business.

rwalker · 21/10/2025 08:41

No

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