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AIBU?

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Original poster

To back teen dd not apologising to her nana?

557 replies

Teenpromdrama · 20/10/2025 14:31

Dd15 is adamant that she doesn’t want to go to prom next summer. Dh and I have always said it’s her choice, she can decide later once tickets are out, and she can wear whatever she prefers. We’re really not at all bothered either way. She is quiet and introverted but can be very black and white with some opinions. She generally keeps these to herself but if she really cares about something, will speak up.

This weekend her cousin, also 15, went for a prom dress appointment and invited dd and me along with sil. The cousins are great friends and dniece had said she knew dd wasn’t interested in prom, but she wanted her opinion and dd agreed happily. We had a nice day out and dniece picked a lovely dress, we had lunch, it was all good. That afternoon we all went back to mil’s house as the dress shop was in the town where she lives. The dress and prom was talked about which was to be expected, but mil then kept on and on about dd not going, not picking a dress, and it turned into an attack on dd for being quiet, having few friends, being boring, not being as pretty and feminine as her cousin, criticising her choice of clothes and hairstyle, it was relentless. Sil told her to stop and cousin was also crying.

Dd was very upset so I said I thought we would best leave, but mil carried on, literally as we’re getting shoes on, that no one would care if dd was there or not, saying she was brainwashed by the woke nonsense in schools now, and that dd would never have a boyfriend if she carried on looking and behaving the way she did. Dd exploded and called her a nasty old witch and that she hated her and never wanted to see her again. Mil was screaming back that dd and I weren’t welcome anyway, and we left her hollering.

This is not the first time mil has been critical of dd but definitely the worst. In the past we’ve been able to shield dd from it but as she gets older, it’s obvious that other gc are favoured. Dd likes shorter hair, trousers, doesn’t use makeup, is quite academic. She likes what she likes and is quite happy with who she is.
Mil isn’t sliding into dementia, she’s just a critical miserable creature. She has always been like this. She called dh to complain about dd before we even got home and has demanded an apology.

Anyway dd is now saying she doesn’t want to see her again, not at Christmas, not at anything. She won’t apologise and honestly, I agree with her. Cousin was shocked and also has said she doesn’t want to be around her again, but sil is trying to get everyone to clear the air. It just feels like finally a lot of things have been said that were rumbling in the background and if mil wants to be rid of dd, then let her. I just feel incredibly sad that this has all blown up on a day that was really lovely for dniece. I know sil wants everyone to get along but this feels like it’s gone too far now. Dh is stuck between agreeing with dd and not wanting to fight with his sister.

What do I do now? I would have no problem with never seeing mil again. Dh can do whatever he sees fit. I don’t see how I can force dd to apologise and I’m not prepared to put her in the firing line again. Aibu for saying dd will not apologise?

OP posts:
shhblackbag · 20/10/2025 16:04

Show your daughter she matters. Keep backing her.

Shell18celhave · 20/10/2025 16:05

Well done to your DD. Sounds like she did well standing up to the old dragon.

BoredZelda · 20/10/2025 16:05

DD should not apologise, but how on earth did you let it get to that stage. Clearly MIL was in the wrong, but after comment 1, I’d have stepped in and stopped it, if comment 2 came, we’d have shoes on and be leaving. You’re right to back her now, but that backing should have started way sooner. If DH is torn on this, then you also have a DH problem.

Original poster
Teenpromdrama · 20/10/2025 16:06

Thanks for the support, even the ones criticising me. Believe me, I’m wondering how it got so far. The op was getting kind of long so I maybe didn't explain how it came about so well.

First it was little digs, so talking about the dress dniece chose and mil would say ‘oh not your sort of thing at all, it’s not black dd’, asking dniece why she invited us (and not her), implying we would be no use as an opinion. Sil tends to stick to simple factual responses, she’s had a lifetime of this stuff.
Then we were talking about hair and jewellery stuff, again mil was dismissive of dd ‘your hair wouldn’t be long enough for that style’, ‘you never wear nice jewellery so it wouldn’t matter’. Writing it out seems like it could be nothing but it’s the tone, the slightly sneery way it’s said, it’s hard to explain.

The character attack came when I was out of the room, I came back from the bathroom and sil was telling mil to stop, I don’t know exactly what had been said before but mil carried on with comments that dd should be more like her cousin, that she would just sit and look miserable like she always does, that she was boring and always wearing black. I will admit I froze, sil was shouting that was enough, I then said to dd ‘we’re going’ and went to the hall where the shoes were.

Dd was putting her boots on, lots of laces so it wasn’t quick. Mil came after us and was ranting the woke stuff. I was shaking with anger but didn’t want to lose it, I’ve spent 20 plus years treading on eggshells around this woman. I am ashamed that it wasn’t me that spoke up. I am so proud of my dd that she did.

Dd has spoken to dniece and they both were upset about it, but not at each other. They will be fine. Neither family lives in the same town as mil so it’s not a problem to avoid her at all.

If it wasn’t for sil also being upset I would walk away and never look back. Sil is lovely and I think both she and dh have put up with a lot. Fil died some years back now. I suspect sil can see that if we cut ties, she will be stuck with the baggage now. Dh is stuck wanting to protect everyone.

As for the ‘woke’ comments, dd is very clear that she is female, she just likes to wear black, trousers, have a shorter haircut and chunky boots. She likes weird Japanese music and maths, reading and gaming. She has a few close friends, male and female, who I guess would also be considered eccentric in their style, but they are all brilliant kids. Mil just came across the word ‘woke’ online and decided to use it as an insult. Dd is fantastic, and I am happy to keep her away from toxic relatives.

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 20/10/2025 16:07

GasPanic · 20/10/2025 15:51

"She has always been like this."

This is the endpoint if you tolerate that sort of behaviour.

It should have been made clear to her years ago that this wasn't acceptable.

💯

Girlof6 · 20/10/2025 16:07

What’s your dh said? Agree your daughter shouldn’t apologise.

ExpressCheckout · 20/10/2025 16:07

Team #DD

shhblackbag · 20/10/2025 16:07

And your MIL does sound incredibly nasty. Why in the world anyone thinks she's owed anything, let alone an apology is beyond me. Shocking behaviour.

sonjadog · 20/10/2025 16:08

Obviously your DD shouldn't apologize to someone who is so nasty to her. But the real issue here is why neither you nor your husband stepped up and defended her before she was forced to defend herself. You failed your job there, and now your wishywashy DH wants to smooth it over. Both of you need to reflect over that you have let your daughter down, and make sure it doesn't happen again in the future.

takealettermsjones · 20/10/2025 16:09

#teamDD !!

I'd have said much worse. Tell her you'll punish her if she does apologise! (Kidding obviously 😂)

Whatwouldnanado · 20/10/2025 16:09

Mil should be the one apologising! I agree stick up for Dd on this one. And if your Sil has anything about her she will too. How would she feel if it was her daughter who’d had the brunt of all that? Make sure Dh understands fully what happened and the impact it could have deep down on your daughter. If he feels he should see him mum make sure he says something to her about it.

Lemonyyy · 20/10/2025 16:09

Back your daughter, make sure DH does too. why would anyone want to hang out with a nasty old cow who criticises them all the time? Children don’t have to tolerate shit from adults just because they are children. If someone spoke to me like that I’d be rude back too!

I’m glad her cousin has her back as well, and perhaps giving them the opportunity to hang out together without the grown ups around so they can have a bit of a no holds barred rant and blow off some tension might be good for both of them.

KnottyKnitting · 20/10/2025 16:11

Your DD sounds ace! Good for her for knowing her own mind and sticking up for herself. She knows who she is and what she likes. Your MiL sounds like a vitriolic nasty old witch. I would support my DD all the way in your situation.

godmum56 · 20/10/2025 16:11

I don't think your DH has to fight with his sister over this. How you and your husband respond to his mother's behaviour really not anything to do with her. I take it that the cousin who is going is SIL's daughter? Does she also not want to have anything else to do with her grandmother? If this is the case, personally I would support both girls but your SIL needs to understand that she can try to get her own daughter to stay in touch with her mother but she should not even THINK of trying to influence you and your husband. He can be clear that he doesn't think that his sister is responsible in any way for their mother's behaviour, and he has no desire to break with her and his niece, he supports his daughter entirely as he is sure that she would if her daughter had been verbally attacked in this way. Then its up to his sister to decide what to do.

It does seem to me that his mother has conditioned her kids to be subordinate to her.

WhyCantThingsJustBeEasy · 20/10/2025 16:11

100% Team DD. You are definitely doing the right thing backing your daughter. Teaching her to know her boundaries and not to accept this behaviour, just because it's her so called "D"G!
I'd also be telling my husband, to tell his mum, that DD is the one that should be expecting an apology! Not that she should accept it, far too much was said, imo.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 20/10/2025 16:13

I feel sorry for your SIL.

The FOG "fear, obligation, guilt" is very real.

Sounds like your MIL needs a short, sharp, shock.

Her children need to say to her, "Look, you horrible witch, everyone has had enough of your toxic behaviour. We've put up with it for far too long and we're not going to force our children to put up with it as well. So it's up to you. Either you turn over a new leaf in your twilight years, break the habit of a lifetime and start being nice to your family for a change, or you're on your own. When you can no longer look after yourself we'll put you in a nursing home and not visit you. What's it to be?"

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/10/2025 16:14

It's not a case of making up after an argument or a difference of opinion though is it. Your sil is effectively asking that your daughter brush her grans abuse under the carpet. As constant uncalled for unjustified criticism is abuse. And why the fuck should she put up with it. Unless her gran is genuinely sorry, puts steps in place to show it, profusely apologises to your daughter and behaves differently for ever more, and even then it would be up to your daughter if she wanted to forgive her, no body else should put pressure on her for this.

Foodylicious · 20/10/2025 16:14

#Team DD and you.
I think its more than reasonable for you and DD to be no contact with MIL.
DH and DSIL have their own seperate relationships with MIL.
None of the relationships need be dependant on the others.

Let DD know you have her back.
Let DH (and DSIL) know that they may find this difficult, but its not about them. And you are not going to discuss this repeatedly.
Nothing you are doing or not doing, stops either of them from having thier own relationship with MIL.

PinkyFlamingo · 20/10/2025 16:14

She has nothing to apologise for.

godmum56 · 20/10/2025 16:14

just read your update.....would it help for you and your Sil to band together? sounds like she needs supporting too! and yes, what a wonderful courageous daughter you have.

TheatricalLife · 20/10/2025 16:14

Oh, shes one of those"I don't sugar coat things, I tell it like it is" cunts. I'll hazard a guess she also likes the word snowflake.
I'd reaffirm to SIL that have absolutely no issues with her, but you won't be apologising to MIL or seeing her again. SIL is an adult and can choose herself if she wants to see her mum and how much support she offers. That's not on you. You don't need to feel guilt for protecting DD from an evil bitch.

5128gap · 20/10/2025 16:15

Your SiL wants everything back to normal because family harmony is easier and more pleasant for her. However she needs to see the big picture. Her mother has behaved disgracefully to a child and she needs to apologise and mend her ways. Which may even not be enough. However that's not yours or DDs fault or responsibility to fix. Stick to your guns, support your DD and don't be persuaded by SiLs attempts to brush this under the rug for her own benefit. If she want to help, she's having a conversation with the wrong side at the moment.

Fernticket · 20/10/2025 16:15

SideshowItchy · 20/10/2025 14:36

#Team DD here too

Seriously

Me too!

ginasevern · 20/10/2025 16:15

Get this total bitch out of your daughter's life. At 15 your daughter will be extremely damaged by such horrendous comments. I can't believe anyone would talk to a child that way. It's the responsibility of you and your DH to protect your daughter from such obvious and serious abuse. I can't believe your DH is even dithering about it. Keeping the peace is one thing but allowing your DD to be abused in this way is utterly disgraceful. He should be ashamed of himself for not ripping his mother a new arsehole.

luckylavender · 20/10/2025 16:16

Horrible woman. But your DD seems to be an amazing young lady who really knows her own mind. You must be very proud of her.