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AIBU?

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Original poster

To back teen dd not apologising to her nana?

557 replies

Teenpromdrama · 20/10/2025 14:31

Dd15 is adamant that she doesn’t want to go to prom next summer. Dh and I have always said it’s her choice, she can decide later once tickets are out, and she can wear whatever she prefers. We’re really not at all bothered either way. She is quiet and introverted but can be very black and white with some opinions. She generally keeps these to herself but if she really cares about something, will speak up.

This weekend her cousin, also 15, went for a prom dress appointment and invited dd and me along with sil. The cousins are great friends and dniece had said she knew dd wasn’t interested in prom, but she wanted her opinion and dd agreed happily. We had a nice day out and dniece picked a lovely dress, we had lunch, it was all good. That afternoon we all went back to mil’s house as the dress shop was in the town where she lives. The dress and prom was talked about which was to be expected, but mil then kept on and on about dd not going, not picking a dress, and it turned into an attack on dd for being quiet, having few friends, being boring, not being as pretty and feminine as her cousin, criticising her choice of clothes and hairstyle, it was relentless. Sil told her to stop and cousin was also crying.

Dd was very upset so I said I thought we would best leave, but mil carried on, literally as we’re getting shoes on, that no one would care if dd was there or not, saying she was brainwashed by the woke nonsense in schools now, and that dd would never have a boyfriend if she carried on looking and behaving the way she did. Dd exploded and called her a nasty old witch and that she hated her and never wanted to see her again. Mil was screaming back that dd and I weren’t welcome anyway, and we left her hollering.

This is not the first time mil has been critical of dd but definitely the worst. In the past we’ve been able to shield dd from it but as she gets older, it’s obvious that other gc are favoured. Dd likes shorter hair, trousers, doesn’t use makeup, is quite academic. She likes what she likes and is quite happy with who she is.
Mil isn’t sliding into dementia, she’s just a critical miserable creature. She has always been like this. She called dh to complain about dd before we even got home and has demanded an apology.

Anyway dd is now saying she doesn’t want to see her again, not at Christmas, not at anything. She won’t apologise and honestly, I agree with her. Cousin was shocked and also has said she doesn’t want to be around her again, but sil is trying to get everyone to clear the air. It just feels like finally a lot of things have been said that were rumbling in the background and if mil wants to be rid of dd, then let her. I just feel incredibly sad that this has all blown up on a day that was really lovely for dniece. I know sil wants everyone to get along but this feels like it’s gone too far now. Dh is stuck between agreeing with dd and not wanting to fight with his sister.

What do I do now? I would have no problem with never seeing mil again. Dh can do whatever he sees fit. I don’t see how I can force dd to apologise and I’m not prepared to put her in the firing line again. Aibu for saying dd will not apologise?

OP posts:
MyOpalCat · 20/10/2025 17:10

I would not be getting her to apologise.

My IL have bouts of this little digs then not shut down quickly it escalated to attacks - usually at DS even DH found it odd it wasn't anything DS did and usaully FIL doing it - it comes and goes no clue what it is. Though digs are me are much more regular and I reach the point years ago of answering back shutting it down polietly enough in way that's hard to comment on.

We tend to step in and then kept DS very close by and have an escape route. That's more luck I suppose that we've avoided escalation.

As it's reached this point I think you have to draw a line and back your DD. I'd tell SIL that this behavior been going on years now and line was badly crossed - that for moment you and DD do not wish to see MIL but hope it's not going to spill over into your and DD relationship with them - it's all very upsetting and not time to mend bridges. Then I'd avoid all future talk about any meet ups of getting along.

665theneighborofthebeast · 20/10/2025 17:11

Side note. Your DD lost no moral ground by swearing. Do not make her apologise for having a strong emotional response to this and expressing this. It moves the focus away from what actually happened and who was morally and ethically right.

MissionaryMumtoOne · 20/10/2025 17:12

Why can’t your MIL apologies first? She started the whole thing and upset your DD first? I don’t blame your DD for her reaction at all. If MIL wants an apology she should lead by example.

saraclara · 20/10/2025 17:12

I feel sorry for everyone, here. Except MIL of course.

SIL absolutely stuck up for your DD, but she and your DH have had a lifetime of this awful woman. Given that she's probably spent that lifetime avoiding conflict with her awful mother, the very fact that she waded in on your daughter's behalf is a big thing. I've been your SIL and when I finally came out of the FOG and challenged my mum (it was my brother I was standing up for... It's easier to stand up for someone else I think) it was kind of terrifying, yet powerful.

But now of course SIL's dealing with the fallout, so I'd be gentle with her. DH wasn't there, which makes it slightly harder, but again, while it's necessary, he's looking for a way to defend his child in a way that doesn't blow things apart even more (the cousin doesn't deserve her prom dress day to blow her mother and uncle apart, on top of what's already happened).

In DH's place I'd be saying something like "DD used language which wasn't ideal, but the things you said to her were inexcusable. Even SIL told you to stop, but you didn't, and consequently you ruined Dniece's day as well as your relationship with DD. I won't be asking her to apologise, because I think what you said to her was far more hurtful than her final response"

GasPanic · 20/10/2025 17:13

TheatricalLife · 20/10/2025 16:14

Oh, shes one of those"I don't sugar coat things, I tell it like it is" cunts. I'll hazard a guess she also likes the word snowflake.
I'd reaffirm to SIL that have absolutely no issues with her, but you won't be apologising to MIL or seeing her again. SIL is an adult and can choose herself if she wants to see her mum and how much support she offers. That's not on you. You don't need to feel guilt for protecting DD from an evil bitch.

In my experience it's always the ones that "like to tell it like it is" who hate the most "being told like it is".

They are OK dishing it out but not taking it.

She is on her own. So let her stew in the whole hateful mess she has created.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 20/10/2025 17:13

I'm a bit late to the party but I'm definitely Team DD.

strawgoh · 20/10/2025 17:14

"DH is stuck wanting to protect everyone"

Well @Teenpromdrama - your DH has to put your DD at the top of that list and protect her from his sniper of a mother.

mindutopia · 20/10/2025 17:15

Well done to your dd. This is exactly the sort of young woman I’m raising my dd to be. MIL’s behaviour was appalling. I’d have your dd’s back the whole way. I’d be done with MIL myself anyway after this and I’d hope your dh isn’t putting up with this crap either. Have a lovely Christmas without her.

Nanny0gg · 20/10/2025 17:16

Americano75 · 20/10/2025 14:33

I'm with your daughter. What an old witch.

So am I, but if that had been my DD I'd have been screaming at the old cow.

And your spineless husband should be protecting his daughter

Those words will never leave her

Daftypants · 20/10/2025 17:19

Teenpromdrama · 20/10/2025 16:06

Thanks for the support, even the ones criticising me. Believe me, I’m wondering how it got so far. The op was getting kind of long so I maybe didn't explain how it came about so well.

First it was little digs, so talking about the dress dniece chose and mil would say ‘oh not your sort of thing at all, it’s not black dd’, asking dniece why she invited us (and not her), implying we would be no use as an opinion. Sil tends to stick to simple factual responses, she’s had a lifetime of this stuff.
Then we were talking about hair and jewellery stuff, again mil was dismissive of dd ‘your hair wouldn’t be long enough for that style’, ‘you never wear nice jewellery so it wouldn’t matter’. Writing it out seems like it could be nothing but it’s the tone, the slightly sneery way it’s said, it’s hard to explain.

The character attack came when I was out of the room, I came back from the bathroom and sil was telling mil to stop, I don’t know exactly what had been said before but mil carried on with comments that dd should be more like her cousin, that she would just sit and look miserable like she always does, that she was boring and always wearing black. I will admit I froze, sil was shouting that was enough, I then said to dd ‘we’re going’ and went to the hall where the shoes were.

Dd was putting her boots on, lots of laces so it wasn’t quick. Mil came after us and was ranting the woke stuff. I was shaking with anger but didn’t want to lose it, I’ve spent 20 plus years treading on eggshells around this woman. I am ashamed that it wasn’t me that spoke up. I am so proud of my dd that she did.

Dd has spoken to dniece and they both were upset about it, but not at each other. They will be fine. Neither family lives in the same town as mil so it’s not a problem to avoid her at all.

If it wasn’t for sil also being upset I would walk away and never look back. Sil is lovely and I think both she and dh have put up with a lot. Fil died some years back now. I suspect sil can see that if we cut ties, she will be stuck with the baggage now. Dh is stuck wanting to protect everyone.

As for the ‘woke’ comments, dd is very clear that she is female, she just likes to wear black, trousers, have a shorter haircut and chunky boots. She likes weird Japanese music and maths, reading and gaming. She has a few close friends, male and female, who I guess would also be considered eccentric in their style, but they are all brilliant kids. Mil just came across the word ‘woke’ online and decided to use it as an insult. Dd is fantastic, and I am happy to keep her away from toxic relatives.

Your DD sounds like the cool kid in all honesty .
japanese music !! Not going along with the herd !

FenywHysbys · 20/10/2025 17:20

Team DD… with bells on…

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 20/10/2025 17:21

If this was me, I’d be expecting DH to support his daughter and having a stern chat with his mother.

Your dh is allowing his mother to abuse his child , there is no “getting along” in this situation.

Original poster
Teenpromdrama · 20/10/2025 17:23

Some useful ideas for things to potentially respond with as well, thank you. I am inclined to let dh deal with it all as I truly am done with mil, there have been many little things over the years but this time was just too far. I don’t want any contact with her at all.

I suppose I’m conflicted because sil is now the one having to deal with mil and previously the crazy was divided up a bit. She maybe didn’t see quite so much of the nastiness as her eldest dd (now away at uni) was the first and golden gc. Prom niece is now more available and also very pretty, so a lot of this has been transferred to her I guess. Sil doesn’t deserve to be left dealing with her mother but I guess she also has a choice. I will certainly make sure she knows that dd and I love her and niece, and they are not to blame for what happened.

Dh has been busy all day anyway but tends to bury his head in the sand. Mil just isn’t on his radar a lot of the time. Suddenly he’s getting messages and calls where he would rather not be dragged into it. I can see that he needs to be the one to call it all out now, I am hoping that some of these responses might help that. When you’re caught up in the heat of it all it’s sometimes hard to see clearly.

OP posts:
Hotflushesandchilblains · 20/10/2025 17:23

I think you can empathize with your SIL and DH without apologizing to MIL. As the adult in the interaction it is on her to make the first move anyway.

I am so glad your DD has such good support and has her cousin on side. What a horrible thing to happen to a child.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 20/10/2025 17:23

I LOVE that your daughter confronted that nasty witch! Well done to her!

I 100% back you and your DD never seeing that nasty bully every again. The audacity of her demanding an apology! What a fucking joke.

As long as you maintain a good relationship with SIL & Dniece, then absolutely cut that nasty witch out of your & DD's lives.

Your DD fucking ROCKS!!

Treesarenotforeating · 20/10/2025 17:24

Well done to your daughter it took some guts to stand up to that miserable woman
your daughter is strong and independent and knows her own mind 🙌

Poodlelove · 20/10/2025 17:24

What a cow.
She should be supportive of your daughter not attack her .
She is her own person and I am glad that she stood up for herself and told the truth.
My son didn't want to go to his prom , several didn't go , he didn't want the stress of it all , it's all over the top and ridiculous.
Be proud of your daughter and there is nothing for you to do it's on the old dragon MIL.

piscofrisco · 20/10/2025 17:25

You dd should absolutely not apologise and should not have to be near the woman again unless she chooses to be.

Zanatdy · 20/10/2025 17:26

My DD would not be apologising when she had been attacked. By her own grandma. Awful. Just tell SIL that sorry but she’s gone too far.

CarpetKnees · 20/10/2025 17:29

In DH's place I'd be saying something like "DD used language which wasn't ideal, but the things you said to her were inexcusable. Even SIL told you to stop, but you didn't, and consequently you ruined Dniece's day as well as your relationship with DD. I won't be asking her to apologise, because I think what you said to her was far more hurtful than her final response"

This is good, that Saraclara suggested.

Goes without saying YANBU to support your dd here. Your MiL has behaved appallingly. Well done to your SiL for standing up to her - she must be in a difficult place.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 20/10/2025 17:30

Teenpromdrama · 20/10/2025 17:23

Some useful ideas for things to potentially respond with as well, thank you. I am inclined to let dh deal with it all as I truly am done with mil, there have been many little things over the years but this time was just too far. I don’t want any contact with her at all.

I suppose I’m conflicted because sil is now the one having to deal with mil and previously the crazy was divided up a bit. She maybe didn’t see quite so much of the nastiness as her eldest dd (now away at uni) was the first and golden gc. Prom niece is now more available and also very pretty, so a lot of this has been transferred to her I guess. Sil doesn’t deserve to be left dealing with her mother but I guess she also has a choice. I will certainly make sure she knows that dd and I love her and niece, and they are not to blame for what happened.

Dh has been busy all day anyway but tends to bury his head in the sand. Mil just isn’t on his radar a lot of the time. Suddenly he’s getting messages and calls where he would rather not be dragged into it. I can see that he needs to be the one to call it all out now, I am hoping that some of these responses might help that. When you’re caught up in the heat of it all it’s sometimes hard to see clearly.

Dh has been busy all day anyway but tends to bury his head in the sand. Mil just isn’t on his radar a lot of the time. Suddenly he’s getting messages and calls where he would rather not be dragged into it. I can see that he needs to be the one to call it all out now, I am hoping that some of these responses might help that. When you’re caught up in the heat of it all it’s sometimes hard to see clearly.

He absolutely does need to step in and tell his mother that he will not tolerate her speaking to his DD like that.

He needs to tell her that he has now been told what happened by multiple different people, that she made a completely unprovoked attack on your DD's looks and personality, and that the only person who needs to apologise is her. And he needs to tell her that if you and your DD decide not to see her anymore, that is your choice and he is not going to try to convince you otherwise.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/10/2025 17:31

Americano75 · 20/10/2025 14:33

I'm with your daughter. What an old witch.

Me too.

PrissyGalore · 20/10/2025 17:33

I’m older-probs around the same age as MIL and am so shocked she’d talk to a GC like this. Your dd did nothing but snap and tell her some home truths. If she brings it up again, tell her that you don’t blame your daughter, in fact she was being restrained when she called her an old witch. I get your SIL wants everyone to get on, but she should really be telling the MIL to grovel. Horrible-that sort of thing can stay with you, so your dd needs to know she has her family’s support.

SnippySnappy · 20/10/2025 17:33

Your DH needs to pick this up now. Otherwise you risk being seen as 'the problematic DiL', 'isn't it awful that DH is married to you', blah blah blah.

All of the bullshit my MiL gave us stopped once my DH finally cut the apron strings and stood up to her personally and directly. I thoroughly recommend it.

strawgoh · 20/10/2025 17:36

Hotflushesandchilblains · 20/10/2025 17:23

I think you can empathize with your SIL and DH without apologizing to MIL. As the adult in the interaction it is on her to make the first move anyway.

I am so glad your DD has such good support and has her cousin on side. What a horrible thing to happen to a child.

Nobody in their right mind would apologise to that MIL.

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