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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say that favourite children don’t know they’re the favourite?

95 replies

Onekidnoclue · 20/10/2025 14:23

I have a theory that you only know if you’re not the favourite. I know my brother is my mother’s favourite but he has no clue at all and would deny this at length.
im not after a pity party. Just curious. Does anyone ever realise they’re the favourite and acknowledge it?
YNBU= only the non faves know and acknowledge who the fave is
YBU = favourite children know and acknowledge this

OP posts:
FrodoBiggins · 20/10/2025 14:24

I know I'm the favourite but I would deny it if my sisters asked (as would my mum) because it would be so rude to say

zipadeedodah · 20/10/2025 14:26

I think your right - they think the way things are are the same for everyone.

I read an article this weekend which said that siblings don't actually have the same parents - that they are all parented differently (if that makes sense)

I mean, I know my brother is the favourite of us 4 and I resent my mum for it. He however, can't resent her can he? So his version of events is very different.

Original poster
Onekidnoclue · 20/10/2025 14:26

Oooo interesting! Why rude? Do you mean rude to tell your sister she’s not the fave? Do you think she doesn’t know?
im so interested in this. My husband is the favourite child and denies it.

OP posts:
zipadeedodah · 20/10/2025 14:27

FrodoBiggins · 20/10/2025 14:24

I know I'm the favourite but I would deny it if my sisters asked (as would my mum) because it would be so rude to say

It's not rude to say something thats true. You would merely be answering their question truthfully which is a good thing. Lyings almost as wrong as having a favourite!

Bonjovispyjamas · 20/10/2025 14:27

Of course they know. My sister once said to me "I know I'm the favourite and it's really hard for me" 🙄 I found it hard to muster up any sympathy.

ChampagneJen · 20/10/2025 14:30

I know I’m the favourite, but I have a much more easy going temperament and cause little drama. Appreciate you could argue that a more strained relationship with my sibling could have been rooted in unfavouritism from the beginning.

Libre2 · 20/10/2025 14:38

DH was told by his SM that he is the favourite of his DF out of the three brothers. It will be because of the music link (they are v musical as is he) and also because he is a massive people pleaser which his DBs aren’t. He hates it. His brothers give not the shiniest turd. Had it been their DM however I suspect that would have been different and they would have cared. She was amazing though and despite having three boys who are ridiculously different managed to treat them all equally.

My dog knows she’s the favourite child for sure. As do the two human offspring.

Brainstorm23 · 20/10/2025 14:41

My brother is/was the favourite. Now he's married and not so available I have suddenly gone up DM's pecking order and she's saying she's left all alone.

Well poor her but after 40+ years of her treating me like shit on her shoe I'll be rushing to keep her company.

Marshmallow4545 · 20/10/2025 14:43

I agree OP. I think it's rare though for people to acknowledge any kind of privilege and most people have a natural inclination to focus on perceived wrongs rather than where they have been favoured. So I have known families where there is clearly a favoured sibling but that sibling point blank refuses to acknowledge this and instead quotes a few examples where they feel they were relatively hard done by to prove that they couldn't possibly be the favoured one. It's a strange phenomenon but ultimately I think people want to believe that all praise and good fortune has been fairly earned even when it blatantly hasn't been.

gogogouache · 20/10/2025 14:45

I don't think this is an 'always' situation. Sometimes, sure. I don't think there's always an obvious favourite, either—and if there is, it can change over time, depending on the ages of the children, how difficult or demanding they are at different phases of life, how involved they stay in their parents' lives, grandchildren, and so on.

Original poster
Onekidnoclue · 20/10/2025 14:46

This is so interesting.
I’m the “more useful child”. Don’t cause drama. Do as I’m told. Help her with various crisis and shit she can’t be arsed to do herself but she would happily tell anyone who listened that my brother is the best thing since sliced bread and she also has a daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onekidnoclue · 20/10/2025 14:47

Marshmallow4545 · 20/10/2025 14:43

I agree OP. I think it's rare though for people to acknowledge any kind of privilege and most people have a natural inclination to focus on perceived wrongs rather than where they have been favoured. So I have known families where there is clearly a favoured sibling but that sibling point blank refuses to acknowledge this and instead quotes a few examples where they feel they were relatively hard done by to prove that they couldn't possibly be the favoured one. It's a strange phenomenon but ultimately I think people want to believe that all praise and good fortune has been fairly earned even when it blatantly hasn't been.

I think this is spot on. Privilege in all forms is hard to acknowledge.

OP posts:
zazazaaar · 20/10/2025 14:47

My 15 year old loves saying she is the favourite. She isn't though (they are all equally annoying/lovely!)

Yootoo · 20/10/2025 14:47

I think sometimes they know. Even if they won’t acknowledge. Happily my mum truly didn’t play favourites .

LondonLady1980 · 20/10/2025 14:48

As someone who was the favourite, I always knew and I always hated it.

WallaceinAnderland · 20/10/2025 14:48

I read an article this weekend which said that siblings don't actually have the same parents - that they are all parented differently (if that makes sense)

Like when Monica says to Ross, "I know they say that you can't change your parents. Boy if you could, I'd want yours"

LastHurrahs · 20/10/2025 14:49

There are five of us, and we would each nominate a different person as 'favourite'.

JudgeBread · 20/10/2025 14:50

Lol my brother is the favourite, knows it and milks it for all it's worth!

MsMarch · 20/10/2025 14:50

My DH is the favourite. Everyone knows it. Including him. He doesn't like to talk about it and hates that he is. He will deny it if asked, but in a way that is clear he knows but is embarassed. And it doesn't actually work in his favour at all.

Both DD and DS think the other is the favourite! They are both wrong! Grin

My parents did not have favourites but they do have very different relationships with each of their children, and that was true when we were young too. Mostly it was fine, but it did (and does) impact all of us in some way. This is, I think, what my DS and DD pick up on - both Dh and I have very different relationships with both of them and obviously, you try to be fair at all times, but inevitably you react differently to different scenarios and, understandably, the DC don't understand that. I hope as they get older they will, in the same way that me and my sister do (but our brothers don't, so I do worry).

gogogouache · 20/10/2025 14:53

To remove any doubt, I didn't mean that the 'favourite' is more deserving because they are less work, live nearby, etc. Sometimes that's just life. Some parents may subconsciously base favourtism on something as simple as the sex of the child or the child's looks or personality reminding them of someone else. You might be drawn to the child that's more like you, or you may recoil from your own traits reflected in your child. It can work either way, but parents who blatantly favour one child need to do better, even if it's a constant effort.

AllJoyAndNoFun · 20/10/2025 14:54

There’s definitely something in that in that if you have privilege due to anything you often don’t acknowledge it/ recognise it despite knowing that the bias exists at societal level- a kind of cognitive dissonance I guess. The only difference is when that changes- for example now I’m middle aged I recognise that I definitely had “pretty privilege” as a young woman and it benefited me in a number of spheres including where it shouldn’t ( hiring decisions etc) but at the time I was oblivious.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/10/2025 14:54

Bonjovispyjamas · 20/10/2025 14:27

Of course they know. My sister once said to me "I know I'm the favourite and it's really hard for me" 🙄 I found it hard to muster up any sympathy.

In terms of developing a sense of self, she's right. It's much easier for the black sheep to develop a strong sense of self, individuate and grow as a person. Golden children are often caught in the FOG (fear obligation and guilt) and find to harder to individuate, launch and grow as people.

Black sheep as a result are often more successful.

I'm a favourite of a emotionally difficult mother though, so I would think that!

Fluffydas · 20/10/2025 14:58

I was the favourite child, my son was the favourite grandchild. I guarantee my sibling and her kids were not aware of this

Bonjovispyjamas · 20/10/2025 14:59

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/10/2025 14:54

In terms of developing a sense of self, she's right. It's much easier for the black sheep to develop a strong sense of self, individuate and grow as a person. Golden children are often caught in the FOG (fear obligation and guilt) and find to harder to individuate, launch and grow as people.

Black sheep as a result are often more successful.

I'm a favourite of a emotionally difficult mother though, so I would think that!

Show quote history

Nah, she milked it for all it was worth.

FastFood · 20/10/2025 14:59

I think I'm the favourite but not sure it means much with adult siblings.

It's not about intensity of love (in which case my mum has no favourite) but more in terms of closeness, and similarity in personalities.
My mum and I share the fact that we're the middle child, we share a lot of interests, we're both very social, we have endless conversations together, and because I'm the single one in the family, I think she feels a bit more protective, whilst being really proud of my independence (I'm 46 so not sure it's that impressive haha).
Basically, if we weren't mum and daughter, we would probably be great friends.

But I know that she absolutely adores my two sisters as well, there's no favouritism at all. And maybe they think they're the favourite as well!