AIBU to say that favourite children don’t know they’re the favourite?

[Onekidnoclue]

I have a theory that you only know if you’re not the favourite. I know my brother is my mother’s favourite but he has no clue at all and would deny this at length.
im not after a pity party. Just curious. Does anyone ever realise they’re the favourite and acknowledge it?
YNBU= only the non faves know and acknowledge who the fave is
YBU = favourite children know and acknowledge this

I know I was my Dad's favourite because as a DC I was the only one who wanted to go to sports events with him. When I had my DC he came to visit me in hospital every single day. My sister's teased me about being his favourite because they got 1 visit each from him. He always gave us equal gifts but I know I got more of his time even when I was an adult. After he retired he often walked up to visit me and I know he didn't make the same effort with my sisters. I know my eldest sister was my Mum's favourite. Both my Mum and my sister denied it but actually it was obvious to the rest of us. Again gifts were of equal value but Mum helped my eldest sister with childcare more. Sometimes I think it's more circumstances than favourite DC. My youngest DC lives about half a mil from me so he invites me over for a meal with him about once a fortnight and we go out to breakfast together just him and me about once a fortnight too. If he is in a shop and sees a really good offer he will ring and ask if I want any. He will occasionally babysit my foster DC for me and he comes to dinner most Wednesdays for lasagne night. He is just closer in proximity to me. Because we see more if him we feel closer to him. My other 2 DC live further away but but it's not like I love them less.

How do you know he's the favourite? Have his parents said so?

I have two kids and I definitely don't have a favorite. They both might think they're the favorite at different times, but it's not true.

It is hard in it's own way.

It was our grandmother who played favourites. I was acutely aware of this because she outright told me, and was awful to DSis and my DM.

The reason I say it's hard is -
I was always trying to make it up to my DSis, which is a heavy responsibility for a child. Our DM was as well, to the point I was asked to give up a much wanted birthday present and choose something else. I agreed to this. I gave her other things that I really wanted, without being asked by a parent, just trying to make things 'fair'.

The fact despite the awful things she said to me about DSis and DM, and the way she treated us, it was thought my relationship with her was fine because I was the favourite. It wasn't. This means I was pushed to see her to maintain this relationship.

YOu didn't ask me but I can give you a few examples:

1 The embarassingly large number of photos of DH all over MIL's house vs the token photos of his siblings......

2 the fact that DH can make a mistake or do something selfish and she will brush it off. If SIL so much as buys a birthday card that isn't perfect, MIL has something to say (there are some gendered issues here though too, admittedly. expectations for both the male children are generally lower than for SIL).

3 MIL regularly talks about how handsome/talented/kind DH is. Her comments about the other two are usually more about how they've struggled, or, often, how difficult they were as teenagers. She loves to talk about how ugly BIL was as a baby.

The thing is, I think DH IS a better person. But how much o that is nature and how much is nurture?

My brother was (by far) the favourite and hated it- because he could see the injustice and unfairness dealt to me. Means were are very close now and we don't have any contact with our female parent.

If someone has a favourite child, usually everyone knows about it to an extent.
The whole point of choosing a favourite is to make the favourite work hard to stay the favourite and make everyone else work hard in order to try keep up with the favourite.

Parents divorced and I’m the oldest.I know one brother is favoured by my dad (they’re basically the same person) and the other brother favoured by my mum. It really doesn’t bother me. Due to a chaotic upbringing and closeness in age I feel very maternal towards them and love to see them receive what they do from my parents. My mum would say I’m the easiest but I don’t think that always equates to favourite.

I am favoured by my dad, the relationship between him and my sister has always been tense since little then various life events added to it. Both out of the same mould but incompatible, both seriously stubborn but in very different ways! I will admit to being the favourite, but she barely speaks to him!

My sister was 100% my mums favourite, both of us had a good relationship with her but she was definitely more favoured, my sister will not see it at all but accuses me of being my dad's favourite. There was a definite mummys girls daddys girl split growing up, think it was divide and conquer but always in the same way.

Sadly my mum is no longer with us but dad is and I am definitely made to feel bad for having a relationship with him.

I’m totally on the fence here as, while I’m aware I was my dad’s favourite (I got away with so much, plus he more or less told me all the time), my sister is the sun in mum’s solar system, despite me being the one who still lives nearby and runs myself ragged doing everything for her, she can’t go longer than 10 minutes in my company without gushing about my sister or one of her kids. My sister says she can’t see it but it’s been that way since we were children both still living at home.

Yes I agree with this, and I think they do know it’s not fair, but feel very defensive about it. As do the parents who have favourites. Hence no one wants to acknowledge it. My sister got a house deposit, car deposit, regular childcare from the birth of her first. My kids are lucky if they get to visit once a month, and I’ve never been given anything except birthday or Christmas presents. We both live close. My mum would tell everyone she’s absolutely fair, but I struggle to see how now I’ve had children

I think sometimes a sibling can just get along better with a parent and that can sometimes looks like favouritism.

It doesn’t always make life easier.

My brother the the favourite with my Mum and literally everyone can see it apart from my Mum and brother but it's clear as day!

I’m the favourite, I know it, my siblings know it, my mum doesn’t hide it.

There was a big age gap in sibs, I’m the baby. Mum had more time with just me. We are also good friends and do a lot together, I am her best friend.

It’s never been an issue and absolutely do not get any preferential treatment, if anything the expectations on me are higher. My brother could not see or speak to my mum for weeks, but if if go a few days then it’s “oh hello stranger…🙄”

Aa she has gotten older she definitely depends on me more than my siblings and I think they prefer it that way.

I think favourite children usually know that they are the favourite. I have 2 older brothers and the middle one was definitely my parents' favourite,probably because he was the least trouble! And I'm sure he knew it,and used it to his advantage.My DM would never have admitted in a thousand years though that he WAS the favourite.

I am my dad's favourite and my mum detests me

I don’t think my parents had a single favourite. I think we were all preferred at different times and circumstances. Presumably this means I’m the favourite. It sure as hell didn’t feel that way from my perspective. There’s a big age gap so as a small child I was cute and easy while my siblings were having huge adolescent issues. Then I was on my own as an nervous and uninspiring teenager with my parents’ deteriorating relationship and finances for about 8 years, while my adult siblings were coming home trailing success and/or glamour and rarity value. What I would say was that as my dad finally went bankrupt before I went to university, his financial uselessness didn’t screw up my university experience to the extent it did for my brother and sister. I don’t personally count that as being the favourite.

My observation is that people are less likely to think they're the favourite and far more likely to think they're the underdog/black sheet/scapegoat and someone else is the "golden child".
I suspect the "golden child" v "scapegoat" dynamic is far less common than appears on here.

I'm also fairly certain that there are families that they'd all say they were the scapegoat and one of the others was the golden child.

I think there's also a difference in being the favourite and the easiest or the one who gets on best with a parent due to shared interests etc.

I knew when I was the teachers favourite, I don't know why it would be any different.

I read something once, made me laugh. “Of my 3 children, my husband is my least favourite” 🤣

Genuinely don’t think that my parents had a favourite , although we do always joke about mummy’s boy and daddy’s girl , but can honestly say we were never treated unfairly or differently, very lucky 🍀

I knew I was my father’s favourite but it was unspoken.
I am the firstborn. When my father died and us four siblings were tidying through his stuff, the ratio of photos of us was about 5:1 in my favour.

I'm not sure that is to do with favourites so much as when you have your first you do take far more photos - you're too busy with the subsequent ones to take as many really.

I am the favourite and I know I am. I think acknowledging that would just hurt my sibling further though… it would be like I was showing off or was pleased about it. It would solidify in her head that other people knew and were ok with it. In reality it wasn’t my choice and what do you want me to do about it? Tell my parents off for giving her a hell of a lot more financially, in effort and in time because she’s a much much more difficult child to have and therefore preferring me as a person?

My mum backed the wrong horse. She has been tested by his behaviour and twists the bad stuff as much as she can but even she is beginning to realise he doesn't give a shit about her.
I'm 50 so have watched decades of this so can be pretty factual about it. Currently do a respectable amount, see it as a charitable community act rather than a loved family member.

My (now adult child) is and always has been the golden child in my family.

They are to me, because they are my only child, but my Mum and sibling both treat them like the sun shines out of their arse,

they are great, obviously (my only child and all) but my Mum, when she was alive, and now my sibling will not hear a word, however light hearted against them.

The golden child is deep in cringe. But I suspect they secretly enjoy their elevated position, compared to their cousins.