Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to say that favourite children don’t know they’re the favourite?

95 replies

Onekidnoclue · 20/10/2025 14:23

I have a theory that you only know if you’re not the favourite. I know my brother is my mother’s favourite but he has no clue at all and would deny this at length.
im not after a pity party. Just curious. Does anyone ever realise they’re the favourite and acknowledge it?
YNBU= only the non faves know and acknowledge who the fave is
YBU = favourite children know and acknowledge this

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 20/10/2025 15:00

I have 3 brothers. The middle brother has always been my mother's favourite.

Everyone always knew.

It sucked at the time but we're laughing now though as he's the one she rinses for money and time. I don't have to put up with her shit as much now I have a choice not to.

steff13 · 20/10/2025 15:02

FrodoBiggins · 20/10/2025 14:24

I know I'm the favourite but I would deny it if my sisters asked (as would my mum) because it would be so rude to say

I found out as an adult that I have always thought that I was my parents' favorite and my brother always thought he was. And it's not that they treated the other sibling unfavorably, I think it's just that we both felt like we were treated favorably.

AbsentosaurusRex · 20/10/2025 15:03

🤷‍♀️ Do parents know know which one of them is the favourite?

Ilovegolf · 20/10/2025 15:04

My sister absolutely knew she was the favourite, she would bring it up all the time. Unfortunately it’s done her no favours at all. She was brought up to believe she was “better” or “special” but when she entered the real world, she discovered that she’s not. She’s never really adapted to it, still somehow (well into her 40s!) always expects to be given preferential treatment and is incensed when she’s not.

Tryingatleast · 20/10/2025 15:05

I don’t believe there is a favourite! I’ve 4 kids (young and teens) and all accuse me of favouring others while forgetting what I do for each of them! I know it’s not the case for everyone but a number of other parents have said the same.

Bluegreenlake · 20/10/2025 15:06

I vote for option 3. The favourite knows but won't acknowledge it.

Hadalifeonce · 20/10/2025 15:09

I found out after our mother's death that my sister thought I was the favourite, and I thought she was. After discussions we realised that neither of us were, we were just treated differently as we are very different people.

Definitelynotme2022 · 20/10/2025 15:11

My sister was the favourite. I always knew this, right from when she was born, it's just how it always was. It meant that I was very independent and we weren't very close until we lost both our parents within months of each other.

I don't know if she knew or not, we've never discussed it. I have had conversations with my aunt, who says I was doted upon up until my sister was born. As a young child, my best memories are of the times with my maternal grandmother, aunt and cousins. I was devastated when we moved away from them.

MsMarch · 20/10/2025 15:12

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/10/2025 14:54

In terms of developing a sense of self, she's right. It's much easier for the black sheep to develop a strong sense of self, individuate and grow as a person. Golden children are often caught in the FOG (fear obligation and guilt) and find to harder to individuate, launch and grow as people.

Black sheep as a result are often more successful.

I'm a favourite of a emotionally difficult mother though, so I would think that!

I agree. And I think the more obvious the favouritism, the more damaging it can be to ALL of the children.

DH's feeling that he has to be more, do more, support more is almost overwhelming. He also, frankly, had a real sense of entitlement that he had to work past and that really held him back in his 20s - he was talented and hard working, but didn't fully appreciate that it wasn't enough.

On the other hand, SIL's belief that she just has to suck up other people's poor behaviour because she's not good enough or whatever is crippling for her.

I get on okay with PIL and I don't think they're bad people. But I do 100% think they were bad parents and their children have all suffered for it. Don't even get me started on BIL.....

CoffeeBeansGalore · 20/10/2025 15:13

WallaceinAnderland · 20/10/2025 14:48

I read an article this weekend which said that siblings don't actually have the same parents - that they are all parented differently (if that makes sense)

Like when Monica says to Ross, "I know they say that you can't change your parents. Boy if you could, I'd want yours"

This is so true for me. Our mother is the best mum in the world for my sibling. I just happen to exist.
Don't get me wrong, I was never neglected or abused. I was loved, but not as much as my sibling. I was never a priority.
I don't think my sibling really noticed. Just seemed to assume that they were entitled to the time, convenience, privileges that they always got without noticing that it didn't apply to me.

Onekidnoclue · 20/10/2025 15:19

I really appreciate all these views.

I do think there are degrees of favouritism. In my case it was (and is) extremely marked. My brother is doted on, just seeing him or spending time with him is a huge luxury that brightens her week. I’m seen as an unpaid minion who “owes” her for all the vast (and in my view imaginary) sacrifices.

OP posts:
FrodoBiggins · 20/10/2025 15:21

Onekidnoclue · 20/10/2025 14:26

Oooo interesting! Why rude? Do you mean rude to tell your sister she’s not the fave? Do you think she doesn’t know?
im so interested in this. My husband is the favourite child and denies it.

Yes, if my sister asked (not that she would/ever has) I think it would be rude to say "I think I'm the favourite". My mum world never say so for obvious reasons. My sister was pretty blatantly our dad's favourite. He's sadly dead now.

Onekidnoclue · 20/10/2025 15:22

MsMarch · 20/10/2025 15:12

I agree. And I think the more obvious the favouritism, the more damaging it can be to ALL of the children.

DH's feeling that he has to be more, do more, support more is almost overwhelming. He also, frankly, had a real sense of entitlement that he had to work past and that really held him back in his 20s - he was talented and hard working, but didn't fully appreciate that it wasn't enough.

On the other hand, SIL's belief that she just has to suck up other people's poor behaviour because she's not good enough or whatever is crippling for her.

I get on okay with PIL and I don't think they're bad people. But I do 100% think they were bad parents and their children have all suffered for it. Don't even get me started on BIL.....

Youreright the damage can be extreme and long lasting.

the whole “can you be a good person and a shit parent?” debate is very real. I don’t know that you can fuck up people in their most vulnerable state and be a good person. Perhaps you can and the standards are higher to be a good parent than a good person?

OP posts:
DiscoBob · 20/10/2025 15:23

My mum said she knew she was her mum's favourite, out of four. I think because they had very similar personalities.

I think you sometimes get families where each sibling feels that another one is the favourite, while the other one thinks that they are!

I know I am because there's only one of me so no choice! 🤣

NestEmptying · 20/10/2025 15:24

Tricky. I used to say my brothers were the favourites - they are twins, younger than me and got away with some terrible behaviour through just too passive parenting I suppose. I kept out of their way.
They say I was the favourite because I was well behaved! Thinking about it they were probably right but it didn't feel like it at the time.

applegingermint · 20/10/2025 15:27

Anyone raised in a family where there’s an obvious favourite probably doesn’t have a particularly healthy experience of being parented. Including the favourite child - no one “chooses” to be the favourite.

5128gap · 20/10/2025 15:35

Yes, I think you're right. The favourite often notices only how they are treated and probably assume its the default. If they do notice a difference, human nature being as it is, they are likely to have some justification in mind that makes them deserving of the preferential treatment. "Well, yes, parents did give me a house deposit and not my sister, but they know how hard I saved, while she was frivolous..."

MsMarch · 20/10/2025 15:38

Onekidnoclue · 20/10/2025 15:22

Youreright the damage can be extreme and long lasting.

the whole “can you be a good person and a shit parent?” debate is very real. I don’t know that you can fuck up people in their most vulnerable state and be a good person. Perhaps you can and the standards are higher to be a good parent than a good person?

I think that it is very possible to be a bad parent but a good person. Parenting is a skill. And some people find it easier than others. Just like some people are good at certain things only or some people are smarter than other people.

Also, parenting doesn't happen in a vacuum. in the case of my PIL, there were a LOT of other things going on - MIL has, I believe, almost crippling ADHD. She also clearly suffered from significant mental health issues that were, of course, unacknowledged or dealt with. FIL had had a very difficult childhood of the sort that today, any child in that situation, would be given a lot of extra support and care (lots of close family dying, often in very difficult ways, with him getting a front row seat to all of it as a resutl of culture, poverty and the time...). It meant that he had almost zero ability to express or manage emotions and that earning money to ensure him and his family would be "safe" was almost the most important thing.

they were both immigrants in a country where they didn't (at first) speak the language. They had vey little money and had to support, practically and financially, elderly relatives.

Movies and books show us families like this and how the parents pull together and still find amazing ways to be present for their children, and do amazing things to bring them up.... but I don't think in the real world, it's always so easy. And one of the reasons' DH is the favourite is because it was easier ofr him to fit into this life they were trying to build - he is naturally outgoing and smart and good at languages. So he started school speaking pretty good English already, whereas his siblings didn't, and he quickly made friends in a way his siblings found harder. He made them "look good" because he was good at sport and at music and got praise at school for it. His friends were from "good" families.... etc etc etc.

PIL did the best that they could. But it wasn't really enough.

Mincepietastic · 20/10/2025 15:40

I'd say I'm the favourite but it makes me sad, it's not fair. Obviously it's worse for my sibling but it does contribute to us not being as close as we could be. I do try to address it, but the behaviours are quite subtle so it's harder to point to stuff and say, don't do that.

Snorlaxo · 20/10/2025 15:41

The favourites know but will deny it out of politeness ime

zipadeedodah · 20/10/2025 15:43

Funny how so many of the favourites were boys.

autumnevenings25 · 20/10/2025 15:44

I knew I was a certain family members favourite - won’t say who - not a parent. As other favourites have said my temperament when I was younger was more likeable, I have always found talking to adults really easy (and have since I was little), I’m good at making conversation with people. My sibling struggled with all of those things. When pointed out to me when I was older I would always acknowledge that I was liked more by this family member but I could hardly help being me and wasn’t going to change

lemonwrighty · 20/10/2025 15:51

Both DH and I are our parents favourite and we both know it. My MIL has openly said to me that DH is her favourite child because he is easy going, doesn’t cause her any stress or issues and is a kind and caring person, she would call him in an emergency, she sees a lot of herself in him. DH’s siblings have children of their own and they both openly admit to having a favourite which is why they are not bothered that DH is MIL favourite.

TorroFerney · 20/10/2025 15:57

I’m not the favourite and I’m an only child. That’s a hard cross to bear!

Frankiebaby123 · 20/10/2025 15:57

I dont have a favourite, should I?

Swipe left for the next trending thread