Would you go to the funeral?

[horseshoe8]

I had a very good relationship with my dad and I know we loved each other but he had Alzheimer’s in the end and hadn’t been well for a while.
Mum has called and let me know, the thing is, since his Alzheimer’s worsened he stopped answering my calls and became unpleasant to me, I know it wasn’t the real him but as I don’t live near him and he didn’t want to know me I grieved the dad I knew a long time ago and it’s been really hard. I was heartbroken but understood it was the disease and tried to remember how he was.

I am in a better place about it all mentally now and as I said I have cried all my tears, grieved the loss of the dad I knew and accepted the rejection as his Alzheimer’s.

I really don’t want to go to his funeral because the man in the box isn’t the man I knew, loved, grieved and remember but I don’t want to cause trouble by not going, how will that look? how will family members feel if I’m not there to support them? What about mum?
I don’t know what to do, am I being selfish? Am I thinking straight or am I going to regret not going? Sorry for all the questions I just feel like he’s been gone a while and I’m battling with the guilt that I’d already let him go.

Yes. I would attend.

I would go. I understand that you have already grieved and I get it. However your mum may need support and being that you are possibly going to be stronger than most it would probably mean the world to her.

I think you should go, to support other family members and of course bc his illness wasn't the real him.

Alzheimer's is so horrible, I'm sorry for your loss

I would go to support your mum. The eulogy will be about the dad you did know and the wake (assuming there is one) will remember the good times.

So sorry for your loss. It must be such a hard time. I would personally go, he isn't the same person but he's still your dad. Your mum will appreciate the support and I think it's better to regret going than regret not going. You'll never have another chance.

Also dont feel guilty nothing to feel guilty about.

Funerals are emotive occasions and are for those left behind, not those who have died. If you love other members of your family and they would benefit from your attendance; go and grieve
the dad you knew.

Life is for the living.

You need to support your mother.

Are you not helping her with the funeral plans at all?

I recently lost my father and you wouldn't believe the amount of stress funeral planning causes. There's a million and one things to do!

I think it is quite important to go. Grief is a corporate thing, not just individual. Funerals are about shared love and loss. I think you might regret it later if you don’t go.

I’m sorry for your loss. I definitely think you should go. I don’t really understand your arguments for not going.

I've been through similar to you OP and can appreciate how horrible it is and relate to the 'already grieved once' thing

Our family did a direct cremation, had a meal out and donated the money we would've spent on a funeral to a cause close to my loved one. It felt like the lower stress option for us all.

If your mum really wants a funeral though I think if you can push through the pain and support her that would be best. It will likely be very hard on you but is just one day of awfulness rather than long term make the relationship difficult?

I understand how conflicted you feel about this but the funeral will still be for someone you once had a great relationship with and your family will appreciate your support which is something you can still give and may affect your future relationship with them.

Of course I will, I have only just heard the news and my immediate thought was he wouldn’t want me there, that’s when started to think about everything, I think it’s just self preservation because I know I need to go but I’ve buried this rejection so deep I don’t want to relive that grief.

Of course you should go.
The way your dad treated you was caused by a vile illness, affecting him for a small percentage of his life. By your account the rest of his life, he was a good father to you.
You ask what would it look like to others? It would look awful. And you need to support your mum.

You should go. Celebrate his whole life. Others there will be a support to you too.

I think you might regret not going and your mum could probably do with the support. Funerals aren’t always all depressing either, it does give a change to talk about your fond memories of the person with people who knew them too

Alzheimer’s is a very cruel disease and I can't imagine how you're feeling.

But you need to try your hardest to put those feelings aside and support your mum

You should definitely go. You can say your goodbyes to him & family members can support each other. Otherwise you'll just remember him as he was with the illness which was beyond his control

I think you should go.

My OH had a neurological illness that destroyed his mind as well as his body. At the end he thought I was trying to kill him. But I knew of course that this was the illness speaking, just as your father's rejection of you was not him but the illness.

I was of course there at his funeral and there were lots of memories of the man he was before the illness took hold. It was very clear that this was who we were grieving and not the person who was overwhelmed by his illness.

I would also add the man in the box absolutely is the man you knew & loved

Of course you should go, this isn't about you!

Everyone who loves someone with Dementia, grieves the person they loved before the disease takes hold.

I actually cannot believe you're thinking of not going.

Of course you should go. The funeral is not for the person who has died, it is for his friends and family, your mum will need your support. If you dont go you will regret it for thecrest of your life. I would help with the arrangements, put together a slide show of his life, and the good times. It all helps the grieving process.

I know that was a horrible thing to say

'I really don’t want to go to his funeral because the man in the box isn’t the man I knew, loved, grieved and remember'

I am so sorry for your loss, OP. 💐

It was not him who hurt you, it was the disease and he is now free of that disease. He would want you to remember him as a young, healthy man and a good father so I would encourage you to attend. I do think that you might regret it if you don't.

But the dad you have grieved, the dad you had before Alzheimer's, would have wanted you to attend his funeral wouldnt he?

I really think you need to go.