Page 4 | Would you go to the funeral?

smallchange · 20/10/2025 16:59

My grandmother died with Alzheimers and the funeral was quite powerfully healing.

No-one really spoke much about the 6 years of illness, the not recognising her husband of 65 years, not recognising her children and grandchildren, the days when she would walk miles up and down the corridors of the care home "going home". Instead we all shared our memories about who she was to us for well over 80 years, and that lovely lady deserved remembering.

Northbynorthbest · 20/10/2025 18:23

So sorry for your loss op. I think if you don't go you'll regret it.
Your dad had no control over how his personality changed because of the alzheimer's. It's a terrible illness that robs us of our loved ones while they're still living. I think I've heard it best described as "the long goodbye".
We lose them as their minds are no longer with us in the present; they wander into the years gone by. Although his personality changed towards you, I think memories of you, his little girl, were still there in his wandering mind. He changed towards you because he didn't recognise that you are his little girl.
I know you said you've already said your goodbyes. But your dad never got a chance to say goodbye to you.
Honour your dad by saying your final farewell to him. And as the funeral service celebrates his life, and as people share their memories of your dad and the great man he was before alzheimer's took him, let that be his quiet, dignified goodbye to you.
Condolences to you and all your family x

DBD1975 · 20/10/2025 19:09

This man was your Dad.
Alzheimer's sadly took him from you and he didn't know who you were but you still knew him.
I think this is a no brainer OP and I think it would be unreasonable not to attend.
If nothing else go for your Mum x

gamerchick · 20/10/2025 19:21

Don't let yourself be guilt tripped OP. Take a few days to think about it.

its not your obligation to support anyone

VegWoman · 21/10/2025 12:20

You should go. You might hate every minute of it, but you need to be there.

Growlybear83 · 21/10/2025 12:28

It’s a horrible horrible illness but I can’t imagine not going to the funeral of a parent who I had loved, and who had loved me, for most of my life. Have you considered the impact it will have on your mum if you don’t go?

TorroFerney · 21/10/2025 12:35

Is there some part of you op that thinks the things he said were actually how he felt? A bit in vino veritas but dementia rather than booze?

theres no right or wrong way to grieve but its quite an unusual response and I wonder if the rejection when he was alive played into something deep down?

as others have said though its very early days and I wouldn’t act on your immediate reaction when you’ve just heard.

Mulledjuice · 21/10/2025 12:36

TimeForTeaAndG · 20/10/2025 12:50

Alzheimer's is so horrible, I'm sorry for your loss

I would go to support your mum. The eulogy will be about the dad you did know and the wake (assuming there is one) will remember the good times.

Agree totally

macaroonmayhem · 21/10/2025 12:38

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Alzheimers is horrific and I totally get why you are feeling how you do.

In these sort of situations, I always look at what outcome will sit best with me in the longer term, say in 5 or 10 years time. In this case, I definitely it’s more likely I would regret not going much more than I might regret going. For that reason, I would go.

Itsseweasy · 21/10/2025 12:44

No I wouldn’t go. You don’t owe anything to anyone, even your Mum.
My Dad died first and I’ve been left with an emotionally abusive, narcissistic mother. I am pretty much no contact now and won’t be going to her funeral.
If my Mum had died first I still wouldn’t have gone to her funeral, even for my Dad’s benefit.
No one knows the hell I’ve endured and I couldn’t sit in a church listening to them all talk about her amazing she was.
If they want to judge me I don’t want to know them.

neilyoungismyhero · 21/10/2025 13:28

Personally I think people go to funerals mainly to support the family. The deceased doesn't know or care who attends.
I would go to support your mum who must have had a pretty rough time of it all prior to his death.

TheignT · 21/10/2025 13:32

Maybe look from another angle? Your dad is in the coffin but the Alzheimer's is gone, it has no power now.

HoppityBun · 21/10/2025 13:35

if your mother would like you there and your relationship with her matters to you, then go.

Your father won’t know or care whether you go to the funeral or not, but, either way, it might help you to remember your father at a time in his life when you loved him and he knew who he was aware of how he was behaving

ChessBess · 21/10/2025 13:37

If he was a good dad like you sat then I think you should go. When people die through disease they aren’t often the same person, whether that’s emotionally or physically. It’s not just about you though, what about your Mum. It seems a cold selfish thing to be honest and I say that as someone who won’t be attending my own dads funeral because he was vile.

To add, if everyone viewed things the same as you, most people wouldn’t bother going to anyone’s funeral. It’s mainly to show support and celebrate their life

user1492757084 · 21/10/2025 13:37

Condolances. Your poor dear Dad.
It is a wicked disease.

You should attend. You need to host with your mother.
Help the funeral to focus on the best parts of your father's life.
You have survived your father's illness and now support each other.

Karatema · 21/10/2025 13:52

Unless you don’t get on with your mother then you are going for her not your father.
I was at a funeral this morning and I went to support my DBiL and his DS not the person in the coffin! They couldn’t have cared less; and wouldn’t have.

ginasevern · 21/10/2025 14:29

But you will be saying goodbye to the dad you knew. The "man in the box", as you so eloquently put it, is him. The poor man didn't have Alzheimers his entire life and the eulogy will celebrate him before the illness. Plus your mum will have been through absolute bloody hell caring for him. It would be very unkind not to support her. However unpleasant you think he was to you at the end, just imagine what that poor woman had to go through. If anyone needs counselling I expect it's her.

gamerchick · 21/10/2025 15:18

And the guilt tripping continues.🙄

I don't think the OP is coming back.

ChessBess · 21/10/2025 17:43

gamerchick · 21/10/2025 15:18

And the guilt tripping continues.🙄

I don't think the OP is coming back.

Well if they don’t want to hear honest replies, don’t post on AIBU…. Simple really.

I think 94% said she was BU so no skin of anyone’s nose on here, but it’s the OP that will have to deal with a potential aftermath of her choice.

Are you her mate or something?!

mamagogo1 · 21/10/2025 17:44

Funerals are for the living, if your mum needs you and you love your mum, be there for her

KookyRoseCrab · 21/10/2025 17:58

horseshoe8 · 20/10/2025 12:47

I had a very good relationship with my dad and I know we loved each other but he had Alzheimer’s in the end and hadn’t been well for a while.
Mum has called and let me know, the thing is, since his Alzheimer’s worsened he stopped answering my calls and became unpleasant to me, I know it wasn’t the real him but as I don’t live near him and he didn’t want to know me I grieved the dad I knew a long time ago and it’s been really hard. I was heartbroken but understood it was the disease and tried to remember how he was.

I am in a better place about it all mentally now and as I said I have cried all my tears, grieved the loss of the dad I knew and accepted the rejection as his Alzheimer’s.

I really don’t want to go to his funeral because the man in the box isn’t the man I knew, loved, grieved and remember but I don’t want to cause trouble by not going, how will that look? how will family members feel if I’m not there to support them? What about mum?
I don’t know what to do, am I being selfish? Am I thinking straight or am I going to regret not going? Sorry for all the questions I just feel like he’s been gone a while and I’m battling with the guilt that I’d already let him go.

I would definitely be there , he was and still is your dad i would travel anywhere to say goodbye to anyone of my parents ( and I have none now ).

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 21/10/2025 18:08

Usually I'm of the opinion that the decision to go to a funeral is entirely personal and no one can tell you you should or should not attend.
However in this case, the dad you knew in his final months/years was not really him. His mind was damaged by a horrible disease and I'm sure the old him would have been heartbroken his behaviour hurt you so much.
If he was a good dad to you for the majority of your life I think you should attend.

Illegally18 · 21/10/2025 19:03

horseshoe8 · 20/10/2025 12:47

I had a very good relationship with my dad and I know we loved each other but he had Alzheimer’s in the end and hadn’t been well for a while.
Mum has called and let me know, the thing is, since his Alzheimer’s worsened he stopped answering my calls and became unpleasant to me, I know it wasn’t the real him but as I don’t live near him and he didn’t want to know me I grieved the dad I knew a long time ago and it’s been really hard. I was heartbroken but understood it was the disease and tried to remember how he was.

I am in a better place about it all mentally now and as I said I have cried all my tears, grieved the loss of the dad I knew and accepted the rejection as his Alzheimer’s.

I really don’t want to go to his funeral because the man in the box isn’t the man I knew, loved, grieved and remember but I don’t want to cause trouble by not going, how will that look? how will family members feel if I’m not there to support them? What about mum?
I don’t know what to do, am I being selfish? Am I thinking straight or am I going to regret not going? Sorry for all the questions I just feel like he’s been gone a while and I’m battling with the guilt that I’d already let him go.

I'd go. Also, your mum needs you.

KittyHigham · 21/10/2025 19:22

gamerchick · 21/10/2025 15:18

And the guilt tripping continues.🙄

I don't think the OP is coming back.

This thread has not been guilt tripping.
The OP wanted to check what others would do!
This isn't a situation where she was estranged from an abusive parent. She was estranged from a man who she declares she loved and had a good relationship with before the dementia. The feeling of rejection is real but over time after the death of someone lost to the disease, the true person returns in the memories of those who loved them.
Its still early days for the OP but she risks both missing a potentially very healing process and risks harming relationships with other family members.
Its not about guilt tripping. Its advice given with the OP'S welfare at heart.

NoSoupForU · 21/10/2025 19:25

You're not unreasonable to feel how you do, but I'd go if I were you.

I'm going through a dementia journey with a parent now and it is bloody awful. They're a different person, but still my parent and I love them despite the less than ideal circumstances now.