Would you go to the funeral?

103 replies

horseshoe8 · 20/10/2025 12:47

I had a very good relationship with my dad and I know we loved each other but he had Alzheimer’s in the end and hadn’t been well for a while.
Mum has called and let me know, the thing is, since his Alzheimer’s worsened he stopped answering my calls and became unpleasant to me, I know it wasn’t the real him but as I don’t live near him and he didn’t want to know me I grieved the dad I knew a long time ago and it’s been really hard. I was heartbroken but understood it was the disease and tried to remember how he was.

I am in a better place about it all mentally now and as I said I have cried all my tears, grieved the loss of the dad I knew and accepted the rejection as his Alzheimer’s.

I really don’t want to go to his funeral because the man in the box isn’t the man I knew, loved, grieved and remember but I don’t want to cause trouble by not going, how will that look? how will family members feel if I’m not there to support them? What about mum?
I don’t know what to do, am I being selfish? Am I thinking straight or am I going to regret not going? Sorry for all the questions I just feel like he’s been gone a while and I’m battling with the guilt that I’d already let him go.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 21/10/2025 21:16

KittyHigham · 21/10/2025 19:22

This thread has not been guilt tripping.
The OP wanted to check what others would do!
This isn't a situation where she was estranged from an abusive parent. She was estranged from a man who she declares she loved and had a good relationship with before the dementia. The feeling of rejection is real but over time after the death of someone lost to the disease, the true person returns in the memories of those who loved them.
Its still early days for the OP but she risks both missing a potentially very healing process and risks harming relationships with other family members.
Its not about guilt tripping. Its advice given with the OP'S welfare at heart.

Edited

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People can say what they would do. They don't get to say the OP has to go or she will regret it and must must go and support her mother. No she bloody doesn't!. That is guilt tripping

People seem to think funerals are essential bits of life that everyone must go through.

They aren't and we don't.

Skippydoodle · 21/10/2025 21:28

The man that you knew. Is in that box. The disease that robbed you of your father is a completely separate issue. Go, and remember the man you knew growing up 💕💕 big hugs.

pizzaHeart · 21/10/2025 21:29

TimeForTeaAndG · 20/10/2025 12:50

Alzheimer's is so horrible, I'm sorry for your loss

I would go to support your mum. The eulogy will be about the dad you did know and the wake (assuming there is one) will remember the good times.

This ^

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