Would you go to the funeral?

[horseshoe8]

I had a very good relationship with my dad and I know we loved each other but he had Alzheimer’s in the end and hadn’t been well for a while.
Mum has called and let me know, the thing is, since his Alzheimer’s worsened he stopped answering my calls and became unpleasant to me, I know it wasn’t the real him but as I don’t live near him and he didn’t want to know me I grieved the dad I knew a long time ago and it’s been really hard. I was heartbroken but understood it was the disease and tried to remember how he was.

I am in a better place about it all mentally now and as I said I have cried all my tears, grieved the loss of the dad I knew and accepted the rejection as his Alzheimer’s.

I really don’t want to go to his funeral because the man in the box isn’t the man I knew, loved, grieved and remember but I don’t want to cause trouble by not going, how will that look? how will family members feel if I’m not there to support them? What about mum?
I don’t know what to do, am I being selfish? Am I thinking straight or am I going to regret not going? Sorry for all the questions I just feel like he’s been gone a while and I’m battling with the guilt that I’d already let him go.

I think , look after yourself. Do what's best for you. If you don't want to go, then don't.

The dementia was the cause of his behaviour. Please dont miss the opportunity to say goodbye and to support your mum. Its a decision you might end up regretting

So sorry for your loss.

If you have just heard the news, you are probably in shock a little and will need a day or two to let this settle in. Even if it was expected, the finality of it all is an odd place to be.

No need to make decisions now or mention any reticence to attend to any family members.

Everyone will be emotional. It’s not a day for making big decisions.

I think that once things have settled you will benefit from being at the funeral.

Take it easy today. x

You've been through such a tough time but I agree with others.... the man in the box IS your Dad now that he is free from this awful illness. Try and look at it like this and go and grieve with your Mum.

Remember it was the disease not your dad. Yabu re not going. Go to support your mum. Dementia is a horrible disease. Sorry for your loss

There are some occasions when we should do something we don’t particularly want to do for the sake of other people. This is one of those occasions.

I would attend because funerals aren’t really for those who have died but for the people left behind, go support your mum & be there to remember the good times & to understand the rest with your family.
I think you would probably regret it later on if you don’t go.
I understand how difficult Alzheimer’s can make things we are currently end of life with my mum after a very long, hard journey with this disease.
I didn’t have the best relationship with my mum growing up and Alzheimer’s actually seemed to make her a nicer person. I have looked after her not due to any feeling of obligation but because I felt it was the right thing to do & for my kids to see me doing. I find my grief for her is complicated especially at this time and even though I am generally at peace with her imminent death that doesn’t mean I don’t have moments when it hits me in the face like a shovel. Grief is complicated and so are regrets & family. If you are questioning it then I think you know you need to go, it will continue to allow you to move on but also go support your mum. It won’t be a good day, it will be a hard day but it’s only a day.

You were robbed of the Dad you knew but your Dad was robbed too. I’m sure he would not have chosen to hurt or be estranged from you. I would go to his funeral and celebrate the man you knew and loved, who he became was not his choice.

It's up to you OP. I don't get the whole funerals are for the living crap and it's so me sort of set in stone obligation to attend them. We should be allowed to say goodbye to someone the way we want to and not be guilt tripped into anything different

As the daughter of someone with Alzheimer´s, I would go. I don´t really understand your reasons for not going, as you had a great relationship with your dad before he was robbed of his personality by this crock of shit that is Alzheimers. I can´t envision not going to my mum´s funeral, when it comes, because a disease of the brain changed her before her death. It´s not her fault.

You should go. We go to funerals to support the mourners. Your DM will value your presence. Does she need any help with the funeral arrangements?

Like the guilt tripping you're getting on this thread.

I always think the mum I knew died 6 months before her actual death. There's no way I would have missed her funeral. Hopefully you can share happier memories with people who knew him when he was well.

I didn't go to my father's funeral.
I went to my mother's funeral and very much wished I hadn't.

I honestly feel it is very much a personal decision for you to make according to your own feelings.

I do think.if you are close to your mother and she has no other family member to support her then I would go to the funeral despite my own feelings, to be there for her. But if you have siblings who will be there to support her - I couldn't see a mention in your posts of siblings but I may have missed it - then i would just allow my own feelings to dictate whether I went or not.

Surely this should work both ways. The ‘other people’ should be ok if with the OP not coming to the funeral for the OPs sake. Or do you think it only works one way.

OP, I would definitely not go to the funeral unless I thought I was really needed by another family member then I might depending on who it was.

It is quite surprising the number of posts that say the OP should attend for her mother's sake. I do get where these are coming from, but surely the needs and feelings of someone whose father has died are as important as those of someone whose spouse has died.
At the very least there should be a weighing up of the suffering caused by each decision. Perhaps the daughter's distress at attending would be more than the mother's distress at not having her there. We can't know the answer to that.
I guess I do tend to feel, on balance, that attending might be the right thing to do in most circumstances. But it is not selfish or wrong for a daughter to consider her own needs as well as those of her mum, and to stay away if that's what she has to do.

From what you've said, I think the alzeihmers didn't/wouldn't want you there, your healthy Dad very much would. Dementia is horrible, I know it made my Gran treat people in ways that she never would have considered or done if she was well (and if she'd been aware it'd of broken her heart to know she'd upset others). I'm sorry for everything you've been through.

It's your father, of course you go.

Jesus.

Funerals are for the benefit of those who left behind. If it's not helpful for you, you don't need to go.

However, you might want to consider whether, in celebrating his whole life, you could reclaim some good memories.

My father in law died after 15 years of dementia. We lost "him" so many years before he died. My husband said that the whole process after his death (funeral and all the admin that comes after) helped him to reconnect with who his dad was before he became ill.

I think it's the particular history in this case that is causing posters to advise as they are.
The OP talks about dealing with rejection and how her DF wouldn't have wanted her there.
This shows that she hasn't accepted that the rejection came from the disease not her father.
She would be making a decision based on a false premise. And if she decided not to go, based on this falsehood, she risks hurting her DM and wider family who also experienced the devastation of the dementia. She risks embedding this damaging narrative in her own life, rather than moving forward with true understanding.

Kindly OP, I don't think your done grieving if you are still angry at your dad during his last years of life. You should go to support your mum, but I think you should also go to hear all the good stories and memories people will share about your dad. It's might be healing for you.

But if you can't face it and think it will hurt you to go- then don't. Your mental health is more important than appearances.

I'm sorry for your loss, take care of yourself.

I think you week trying to distance yourself from him when you said that so it's understandable. But he was still the dad you loved deep down no matter what happened

His disease caused the issue. 🤷‍♀️

Go to remember and grieve the Dad you had.

Think of your Mum - she had to deal with the brunt of this.

I would go. You can honour the person you knew before before he became ill. My mum spent 10 years in care and died at 94. What mattered to me was the person she had been when young, full of hopes, ambition and dreams.

Yes, you should go. And of course the ‘man in the box’ is someone you once knew and loved.