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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give my address to brother for job application?

99 replies

Ellie126 · 19/10/2025 20:00

I was adopted as a baby from birth and only in the last couple years discovered my ‘biological’ sibling who’s 6 years older than me. We’ve met 3 times, all for lunch / dinner. He seemed like a really lovely guy, but fundamentally I don’t KNOW him really. Not like I know my cousins and adoptive family etc etc.

anyway, he text me asking if he could have my name, surname, address, DOB, occupation etc because he’s in the army and I think is applying for an internal job that requires strict vetting.

he put me down as a sister which in hindsight is quite sweet as I don’t think he’s got any family left (for reference he was adopted by our biological grandma) who’s dead. So I guess it makes sense why he selected me since we’ve met.

but I just didn’t feel comfortable giving him my address….. I feel like a bit of a bitch. He did say it would create ‘ road bumps’ but he said he understood. I feel quite bad but I also feel comfortable in my decision in that it’s true I don’t know him THAT well. I’m probably being over cautious but I guess it’s better to be safe than sorry?

OP posts:
BeMellowAquaSquid · 19/10/2025 20:03

You don’t have to give out your address to him they can contact you and ask for verification my dd had the same issue for her police application.

FuzzyWolf · 19/10/2025 20:08

It might just be for a routine security check rather than applying for a job.

Can you at least let him know that they can contact you by phone for the security clearance that is required so he doesn’t lose his job?

lizzyBennet08 · 19/10/2025 21:07

Seems rather mean spirited to me. 🤷🏻

HoskinsChoice · 19/10/2025 22:29

I don't think it's 'sweet', I think it's probably a requirement. Check what it means for him - you could be causing him all sorts of issues for no reason.

Arlanymor · 19/10/2025 22:31

It's a routine clearance check. He has to divulge his known acquaintances.

NellieElephantine · 19/10/2025 22:32

What do you think he's going to do with your address?

Seriestwo · 19/10/2025 22:34

He needs to give you more details.

ItIsNotTheDog · 19/10/2025 22:35

Don't be mean

londongirl12 · 19/10/2025 22:35

I'm in a job where I have to do police vetting. I have to put down the details of all my family. Sounds like he needs to do the same. By not giving your details, you’re just making it harder for the police to check, but they will do anyway. What are you worried about by giving your details? Don’t you believe him?

HonoriaBulstrode · 19/10/2025 22:42

He needs to give you more details.

He may not be able to, beyond saying it's for a job application.

SummerEve · 19/10/2025 22:51

You are being unreasonable. What's the big deal?

FenceBooksCycle · 19/10/2025 22:56

Yanbu but you can give him permission to tell his superiors whatever comtact info he has (phone number/email) and that they can contact you directly if they have any questions. You should then be able to give your details for admin purposes once you have received appropriate reassurance that your information will be kept confidential

deirdrerasheed · 19/10/2025 23:10

He needs this for security clearance.

sparebooks · 19/10/2025 23:32

You’ve met him several times now and (presumably) are planning to keep up a relationship- it’s a bit baffling that you don’t want him to have your address. Are you particularly vulnerable/have security concerns..?

Original poster
Ellie126 · 20/10/2025 12:10

sparebooks · 19/10/2025 23:32

You’ve met him several times now and (presumably) are planning to keep up a relationship- it’s a bit baffling that you don’t want him to have your address. Are you particularly vulnerable/have security concerns..?

I’ve met him 3 times so maybe a total of seeing him for 6 hours. He said he couldn’t give me any further info than a job he’s applying to. I guess I was a tad taken aback he selected me given we don’t know each other THAT well. No security concerns other than you see in the news all the time estranged brothers / family members murdering people and no I’m not particularly sure I want to keep up the relationship, for no reason other than I don’t feel the need to be in touch with biological relatives when I have a perfectly good family. I guess we met up to provide closure

Yes I know extremely dramatic and over cautious but we’ve had two incredibly different upbringings (no he doesn’t seem violent) but I just don’t know him well enough to provide my address, brother or no brother. No security concerns other than being a woman (that does live with her husband) but at home a lot alone when I wfh.

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 20/10/2025 12:13

Ellie126 · 20/10/2025 12:10

I’ve met him 3 times so maybe a total of seeing him for 6 hours. He said he couldn’t give me any further info than a job he’s applying to. I guess I was a tad taken aback he selected me given we don’t know each other THAT well. No security concerns other than you see in the news all the time estranged brothers / family members murdering people and no I’m not particularly sure I want to keep up the relationship, for no reason other than I don’t feel the need to be in touch with biological relatives when I have a perfectly good family. I guess we met up to provide closure

Yes I know extremely dramatic and over cautious but we’ve had two incredibly different upbringings (no he doesn’t seem violent) but I just don’t know him well enough to provide my address, brother or no brother. No security concerns other than being a woman (that does live with her husband) but at home a lot alone when I wfh.

Show quote history

I don't think you're bein g unreasonable to be cautious. Just because he's a blood relative doesn't mean he isn't spinning you a pack of lies to get all your personal details from you.

amber763 · 20/10/2025 12:17

I dont think you're being reasonable.
You do not see in the news all the time about estranged family members murdering people. What on earth are you talking about??

Its a bit mean not to help.him tbh. Tell him to put your email or phone number down as others have said.

FastFood · 20/10/2025 12:19

But surely you give your address to unknown people all the time? The Tesco / Amazon delivery services, window cleaner, plumber electrician gardener and what not...?

Your neighbours have your address, and literally everyone that walks past your house?

So I'm a bit confused as to what is the danger here? You don't believe he's actually applying for the Army and that he just wants your address for whatever reason?

Brefugee · 20/10/2025 12:19

if he needs advanced vetting he needs to be honest with them about who you are and what your actual relationship is.

And then he can give them your name (since i am guessing that is not a state secret) and they can take it from there. Would you be willing to give them your mobile number?

When i was being vetted - a regular thing in my old job - they spoke to so many people it was unbelievable.

FenceBooksCycle · 20/10/2025 12:20

@Ellie126 that's a perfectly valid reason. Assuming he has just your mobile number if you are in contact via WhatsApp - just message him "sorry I'm not comfortable giving you that info yet, as we barely know each other. I wouldn't give that info to anyone I'd only recently met and didn't have much to do with - no offense meant. I wish you all the best for your job application, and you are welcome to give the potential employers this phone number and I will happily give them whatever details they need in confidence and with the protection of privacy legislation."

You are right that he must have had a very different life than you, and he seems to want more from this sibling relationship than you are prepared to give. It is ok for you to have boundaries and to decide for yourself what will be best for you.

TheGoddessAthena · 20/10/2025 12:30

He has not "selected you".

Advanced vetting REQUIRES the applicant to list their family members and close associates so that they can be checked out too. Agree though that if you are not comfortable giving that information, he could ask the HR or vetting team to contact you directly.

VickyEadieofThigh · 20/10/2025 14:44

FastFood · 20/10/2025 12:19

But surely you give your address to unknown people all the time? The Tesco / Amazon delivery services, window cleaner, plumber electrician gardener and what not...?

Your neighbours have your address, and literally everyone that walks past your house?

So I'm a bit confused as to what is the danger here? You don't believe he's actually applying for the Army and that he just wants your address for whatever reason?

He's asked for a raft of other information though - Tesco don't ask for these things.

IamnotSethRogan · 20/10/2025 14:51

I imagine he put you because it would look like he was being deceptive if they found out he had a sister he met but didn't indicate this.

I do think you're being a bit over the top, sorry!

Bobiverse · 20/10/2025 14:54

In the eyes of the law, you’re not his sister. And you’ve only known each other as adults.

He can’t put you down as his sister. He needed to say no family. Because, legally, that’s the truth. He could have asked them for guidance on it, and maybe they’ve have enforced it due to the biological link and the fact that you’re in contact, but what does he think all the other adopted people do? Because they’re not all in contact with biological family and some won’t even know.

They don’t need to vet you. He put himself in this situation.

eurochick · 20/10/2025 14:55

TheGoddessAthena · 20/10/2025 12:30

He has not "selected you".

Advanced vetting REQUIRES the applicant to list their family members and close associates so that they can be checked out too. Agree though that if you are not comfortable giving that information, he could ask the HR or vetting team to contact you directly.

Exactly this. He will have needed to disclose you as a family member regardless of the closeness of your relationship.