Been with DH for 15 years since we were teens (now both 33) and have a beautiful 5 month old. I’m finding myself drowning and sleep deprived while he thinks nothing’s wrong and is living like he’s childfree.
He’s always struggled with anything domestic, putting clean dishes and clothes away has always been an issue. I have to nag nag nag for anything to get done around the house and things only happen when I get properly angry, so I often just end up doing it all myself. He doesn’t do nothing, he does the ‘big jobs’ (the ones that have an end to them), looks after the garden, sorts fires in our stove in the winter and stuff like that. It’s the daily grind of jobs that are never ‘done’ but are in a cycle that he struggles with. He’s also always had difficulties getting up in the morning. I usually have to shake him awake so he isn’t late for work.
This has become a big(ger) issue for us since DS has been born. I want to start the day strong by getting dressed and doing key chores before DH goes to work so I can feel like I’ve achieved something even if the rest of the day goes to pot, plus I then won’t have that mental niggle of x needs doing all day.
I’ve tried everything to get him to help, down to writing an itemised list of the jobs I need to do morning and evening with how long they take and this is why I need his help with either the jobs or the baby because I can’t do both without having to lose even more sleep at one end of the day. He stays up late in the evening playing his Xbox for a few hours after I’ve already gone to bed, then wonders why he can’t get up in a morning. He’s also never once in 5+ months offered to get up with DS so I can sleep in. I do all the night feeds.
We’ve gone round and round in a loop more times than I could possibly count, but I’m still having to ring him or shake him awake in a morning when it’s already at a point of stress for me. He’s angry at me for being angry at him, but I’m just at my wit’s end.
I’m under the perinatal mental health team and they’ve referred us to family therapy which I think would be useful to have a third party to help us explain our respective struggles, but he’s refusing to go. He says he can’t speak to a stranger about personal stuff.
He is definitely neurodivergent, ASD but undiagnosed. I’m also neurodivergent, I have diagnosed cPTSD that manifests very similarly to ADHD traits. I’ve overcome my natural tendencies to procrastinate jobs and struggle with sleep with various strategies and consistency, but to me it seems like he isn’t even trying and won’t meet me halfway.
AIBU to be so angry and resentful at him? Anybody else had similar situations? I’m terrified about going back to work in two months because I already can’t cope and he basically left me to fend like a single mum on my KIT day a few weeks back.