Angry at DH for sleeping in every day and ignoring chores

[Kiburi]

Been with DH for 15 years since we were teens (now both 33) and have a beautiful 5 month old. I’m finding myself drowning and sleep deprived while he thinks nothing’s wrong and is living like he’s childfree.

He’s always struggled with anything domestic, putting clean dishes and clothes away has always been an issue. I have to nag nag nag for anything to get done around the house and things only happen when I get properly angry, so I often just end up doing it all myself. He doesn’t do nothing, he does the ‘big jobs’ (the ones that have an end to them), looks after the garden, sorts fires in our stove in the winter and stuff like that. It’s the daily grind of jobs that are never ‘done’ but are in a cycle that he struggles with. He’s also always had difficulties getting up in the morning. I usually have to shake him awake so he isn’t late for work.

This has become a big(ger) issue for us since DS has been born. I want to start the day strong by getting dressed and doing key chores before DH goes to work so I can feel like I’ve achieved something even if the rest of the day goes to pot, plus I then won’t have that mental niggle of x needs doing all day.

I’ve tried everything to get him to help, down to writing an itemised list of the jobs I need to do morning and evening with how long they take and this is why I need his help with either the jobs or the baby because I can’t do both without having to lose even more sleep at one end of the day. He stays up late in the evening playing his Xbox for a few hours after I’ve already gone to bed, then wonders why he can’t get up in a morning. He’s also never once in 5+ months offered to get up with DS so I can sleep in. I do all the night feeds.

We’ve gone round and round in a loop more times than I could possibly count, but I’m still having to ring him or shake him awake in a morning when it’s already at a point of stress for me. He’s angry at me for being angry at him, but I’m just at my wit’s end.

I’m under the perinatal mental health team and they’ve referred us to family therapy which I think would be useful to have a third party to help us explain our respective struggles, but he’s refusing to go. He says he can’t speak to a stranger about personal stuff.

He is definitely neurodivergent, ASD but undiagnosed. I’m also neurodivergent, I have diagnosed cPTSD that manifests very similarly to ADHD traits. I’ve overcome my natural tendencies to procrastinate jobs and struggle with sleep with various strategies and consistency, but to me it seems like he isn’t even trying and won’t meet me halfway.

AIBU to be so angry and resentful at him? Anybody else had similar situations? I’m terrified about going back to work in two months because I already can’t cope and he basically left me to fend like a single mum on my KIT day a few weeks back.

Op, I'm so sorry as you seem to be having a really tough time. IME it's really unlikely he will change as his behaviour is ingrained and once over 30 the pattern is often established.

Caveat, people can change BUT it needs lots of motivation and he doesn't seem to have any, other than to Game. Is there anyone on his family who he would listen to? If not I think you don't have much choices, struggle on solo or plan to leave..regrettably I think you might do that in time as your anger will turn to resentment and that kills a relationship

Ps. I agree that making him do chores before work is not sensible...he clearly isn't a morning person so unlikely to function well then.

I would be raging to. He doesn't want to do the therapy because he knows full well a professional would tell him what he already knows, and what you've been telling him...he needs to act like an adult not a teenager. I would give him an ultimatum, he does therapy with you or its over, and mean it. Life's too short to be dragged down by this lazy misogynistic pig.

I strongly suspect that more than 50% of your stress/anxiety/exhaustion will disappear when he does.
You need to place yourself and your baby at the centre of your world and for him to move out. Nothing but ultimatums will improve your situation:
We are done unless -
You attend the therapy recommended by the health professionals;
You start by joining our 'team' and look after your own child;
You start and complete chores every day with good grace;
You take/help with at least 2 night wakings per week;
You give me a complete lie in at least once a week in order to help me sleep and have some MH time for me;
You become a grown up adult that you are and commit to our relationship
etc...

What's your living set up? Do you have family support? What's his family like?

Like @Bobiverse said too, the issue was right in front of your eyes for 15y and you did nothing

I hate waking up early, but has to be done unfortunately.

He needs to pull his weight and do them after work.

"He’s always struggled with anything domestic, putting clean dishes and clothes away has always been an issue."

Struggled? No, he's always decided that you should do the shitwork in the relationship.

This!

Why oh why do so many women make heart over head decisions when it comes to having children?

Do they really think their waste of space sperm donors are suddenly going to step up? I don't get it.

Throw the X box out.
More will get done then.

This is what I’ve been thinking. He didn’t exactly hide who he was.

I don't really understand what it is that is so important to do every single day that you would end up with a long list of chores to share on weekdays. Beyond cooking dinner and doing the dishes.

If you have different standards then you need to find a compromise, because it looks like you want things done your way.

Get a dishwasher if doing the dishes is a problem.

Let him manage his laundry, let him get up in the morning on his own. If he's late, so be it.

Why is it his problem to sort out your KIT days when you're on mat leave? Either he can take the day off, or you need to find a babysitter.

Let him care for his baby when you need help. Just ask him or tell him that you need a few hours and will be gone. You are obviously the main carer during your mat' leave, at some point you need to handover that responsibility.

Honestly give him a last warning, write him a list of stuff to be done and if he can’t do it then kick him out. He’s a lazy fk and does what if he works, we all work and have to do stuff. Can’t stick men like this. He has zero respect for you btw.

whst does he not make coffee, prepare and eat breakfasts shower? Sleep in a bed?? Of bloody course he should be doing chores before work.

Does it though? I’d much rather do the housework in the evenings

No I meant waking up for work lol

The YABU votes will be readers who are incredulous that she puts up with it, whilst offering up excuses for him.
op he is..

1. selfish
2. lazy
3. has no respect for you
4. doesn’t care about you

sorry to lay it out, but you haven’t been able to work out for yourself that he’s useless. he isn’t good enough op, I’m not sure what past experiences have led you to put up with this, and think he was good enough to have a baby with, but I am sorry for you.

and, you aren’t ‘nagging’ him. None of this is on you.

I don’t think there is anything you can do to change him in to a good person. He isn’t one. Because no good person, ND or not, would sit back playing on their Xbox whilst their supposed loved one runs themselves ragged.

get your ducks in a row for divorce. And in the meantime, cut down on your chores by doing nothing at all that is just for him. Stop doing his laundry is the easy one.

Take it from me - get it sorted now or you’ll be 30 years down the line having the exact same argument every few weeks / months as he won’t notice dust, the need to hoover, mop etc.

I even have a ‘Daily Job’ list on the blackboard in the kitchen and they still don’t get done. I have taken to doing mine and leaving the rest - but that only means I have to blitz the place every couple of weeks or I go nuts. Mine is definitely ND and could sleep for Britain.

I would stop waking him though - he has to take responsibility for that and believe me he’ll only be late for work once, as the excuse ‘my wife didn’t wake me’ not only won’t wash but will lead to such nonstop teasing that he will set around 30 alarms at 10 minute intervals. Not that this was how I solved it here. Oh no.

On a serious note, if he won’t go to the therapy session you have more of a problem. You both need to be on the same page and working together to survive you going back to work. I’m not normally one to suggest involving the wider family but would his mother be ‘on side’ and willing to talk to him? My MiL was a godsend and got DH to pull his weight when all else failed and I was working full time with a toddler.

Good luck xx

Why shouldn’t he need to do chores before going to work? Single people have to do chores before work, after, and even during—why do married men get excused?

I'd be telling him it's family therapy or he needs to move out. And be prepared to end it anyway.

You don't have to, you are choosing to. And that's fine, other people chose not to. Married or not, male or female.

He’s always struggled with anything domestic, putting clean dishes and clothes away has always been an issue. I have to nag nag nag for anything to get done around the house and things only happen when I get properly angry, so I often just end up doing it all myself.

So why have a baby with him when you've known for 15 years this is what he's like?

You were unreasonable expecting a lazy, selfish man who doesn't pull his weight to change.

Do you really think family therapy will get him to change and do chores and pull his weight? Therapy works for people who want change. He doesn't. He's cool with you doing all the work while he goes off to work then games at home.

If you want to stay married, throw money at the problem of your lazy husband. Hire a cleaner, hire a sitter so you can get some sleep, eat off paper plates for a bit, and stop doing household work for him. Don:t wake him up, don't do his laundry, just leave his stuff.

If you don't want to support his dead weight, get your ducks in order to divorce him.

Did he ever live on his own as an adult or did he move straight from his parents' home to in with you?

There's the usual reason, you have a child together and he's disengaging as soon as it arrives.
Always reading this on here, I think it just adds weight to the arguement that some men don't want kids but have them for their w/p/gf wants one.
Not sure I would want to stay with someone like him, well, no, tbh I wouldn't as he won't change.

He's lazy and selfish. This is what lazy and selfish people do - they wait for others to do their work for them.

Nothing you can do will fix this: lists, counselling, withdrawing your labour, etc. You can grasp that now or wait 10 years and 2 more dc.

Leave him. You will still be doing all the work, but much the daily anger and frustration will disappear. And you will only have to look after your dc, not him as well.

'Always struggled with domestic stuff'- translation - He's never had to learn as his mum did it for him. this is why we should encourage our kids from a young age how to do basic things and build it up to more complex as they get older rather than doing everything for them.