Angry at DH for sleeping in every day and ignoring chores

[Kiburi]

Been with DH for 15 years since we were teens (now both 33) and have a beautiful 5 month old. I’m finding myself drowning and sleep deprived while he thinks nothing’s wrong and is living like he’s childfree.

He’s always struggled with anything domestic, putting clean dishes and clothes away has always been an issue. I have to nag nag nag for anything to get done around the house and things only happen when I get properly angry, so I often just end up doing it all myself. He doesn’t do nothing, he does the ‘big jobs’ (the ones that have an end to them), looks after the garden, sorts fires in our stove in the winter and stuff like that. It’s the daily grind of jobs that are never ‘done’ but are in a cycle that he struggles with. He’s also always had difficulties getting up in the morning. I usually have to shake him awake so he isn’t late for work.

This has become a big(ger) issue for us since DS has been born. I want to start the day strong by getting dressed and doing key chores before DH goes to work so I can feel like I’ve achieved something even if the rest of the day goes to pot, plus I then won’t have that mental niggle of x needs doing all day.

I’ve tried everything to get him to help, down to writing an itemised list of the jobs I need to do morning and evening with how long they take and this is why I need his help with either the jobs or the baby because I can’t do both without having to lose even more sleep at one end of the day. He stays up late in the evening playing his Xbox for a few hours after I’ve already gone to bed, then wonders why he can’t get up in a morning. He’s also never once in 5+ months offered to get up with DS so I can sleep in. I do all the night feeds.

We’ve gone round and round in a loop more times than I could possibly count, but I’m still having to ring him or shake him awake in a morning when it’s already at a point of stress for me. He’s angry at me for being angry at him, but I’m just at my wit’s end.

I’m under the perinatal mental health team and they’ve referred us to family therapy which I think would be useful to have a third party to help us explain our respective struggles, but he’s refusing to go. He says he can’t speak to a stranger about personal stuff.

He is definitely neurodivergent, ASD but undiagnosed. I’m also neurodivergent, I have diagnosed cPTSD that manifests very similarly to ADHD traits. I’ve overcome my natural tendencies to procrastinate jobs and struggle with sleep with various strategies and consistency, but to me it seems like he isn’t even trying and won’t meet me halfway.

AIBU to be so angry and resentful at him? Anybody else had similar situations? I’m terrified about going back to work in two months because I already can’t cope and he basically left me to fend like a single mum on my KIT day a few weeks back.

sorry but what @Bobiverse said…

I agree, chores before work is a bit much. I don't even do any chores before work. It's too much, do chores before work then go work a 8 hour day. After work, chores is more reasonable.

Unfortunately, not helpful, but ladies really need to start using their brains to think with (nothing else) and put themselves first.
Only marry/have kids if YOU feel it's going to significantly improve your life.
If not, don't bother.

He isn't ready for family life and will pull you under the bus , plus he's right, it's not OK talking to strangers about personal stuff. You are adult and manage yourself, he has to wake up, stop playing video games and start living like a man. We won't be able to help you on this one, any change must come from within him

If he is an owl which clearly he is then getting him up in the morning to do chores is likely to be a hiding to nothing.

are you bf or bottle feeding? If bottle feeding he can be responsible for the baby once you have gone to bed until 2am or so and then you take over from then.

we did a “split shift” night system like this and it worked very well for us.

if you do want to keep him rather than dump him then try allocating him responsibilities that fit with his natural routine and/or rebound on him.

so eg he does the dinner and washing up (owl) you put the washing on in the morning.

or separate out laundry and he does his own. Etc etc.

Stop waking him up for a start, that’s not your problem if he’s late and it’s stress you don’t need.
”chores” could be done in the evening instead of playing games, so you are left with a reasonably tidy house in the morning.
He could also be doing things like bathtime in the evenings to give you a break, and I would expect him to be getting up with DS one weekend morning so you can catch up on some sleep.
Also I think it’s time for an ultimatum- he does family therapy or you leave

I think he needs to do the chores but I also think you need to talk this through. Does he really need to do them at a time of your choosing, ie the morning? Some people have more energy in the evening. But you need to make a plan and work together on this.

It’s not clear from your post how many chores you want him to do each morning so I can’t tell if you’re being unreasonable with this bit or not. Is it emptying the dishwasher or spending an hour or more on chores? You say he’s always struggled with mornings so just because you want to get everything done then may not be fair. But he does need to do his share, just maybe not so much before work? Obviously when you go back to work and you all need to be out the door at a certain time the morning plan will need to change again to be fair to you both.

I agree with others. What chores need doing in the morning (except for the odd emergency perhaps)? Apart from that, he's obviously a lazy sod and I'd stop waking him up in the morning. Let his boss give him a massive kick up the backside when he's constantly late. Unfortunately though I don't think he's going to change and you sound incompatible anyway. This is a very common story after a baby comes along. Babies rarely improve men's behaviour.

Yeah exactly, before kids I never did chores before work, it was have a shower and get ready and then out the door! Maybe I'd unstack the dishwasher but that would be it.

Now I do have kids it's the same, we get ourselves and kids ready for school and nursery and out the door! Chores are done after work and at weekends.

Break the Xbox then maybe he’ll have time for the therapy

From his behaviour, he’s not interested in family life and wants to live as a single man. And won’t go to counselling. Is this the life you want ?

So everything that needs doing in a house can be done in 20 mins and an hour at weekends ?

Leave him alone for at least a weekend with the baby but before you go make sure you haven't done any washing, cleaning food shopping etc. Let him fend for himself and he might recognise how much you do. Also stop doing any laundry for him and if you feel really agreed stop cooking and food shopping as well. Tell him if he wants a clean house he can do it or pay for a cleaner.

So I would make a list of the jobs and split them up equally (try to get the jobs that matter to you or affect the baby ) But you can’t expect him to do his jobs on your terms leave him to it and don’t do them yourself!
weekends - one lay in each, so he gets up one of the days.
make a point of leaving him with the baby regularly so he gets use to doing feeds/changes etc. Don’t micromanage him he’s an adult let him figure it out.

If he’s always struggled with anything domestic, I have no idea why you thought when you had a baby that it would be any different.

Congratulations on the birth of your second child.

Seriously though, you can't make him change if he doesn't want to. As sad as it is, probably the most helpful thing for you would be to get a plan together for being a single parent. At least then you'll only have one child to look after.

To be fair, it doesn’t sound like he’d do them after work either, so really OP is doing them when it is more convenient for her, which is fair enough!

@Bobiverse is exactly right 👏

He games in the evening and relies on you to “shake him awake” to get up for work? It’s pretty gross OP. You give him lists and nag him until he decides to do a couple to shut you up basically. What a miserable existence.

Can you afford to separate is they important question I suppose. You are already doing everything. At least by doing it now you won’t spend years agonising over the decision or feeling resentful at his sorry arse.

Unfortunately, I agree with PPs that you probably chose the wrong man 😞 unfortunately this falls into sharp relief when you have a baby because it’s easier to overlook these traits when it’s just the two of you.

Mine was like this and has changed, but unfortunately I think this is vanishingly rare from observing other couples around me. Lists, nagging etc didn’t work, I actually left my husband (not just for this reason) and for quite a long period of time, not just a few days to give him a shock. I really meant it, I wanted equality or I was done for good. I was very clear that I saw the pattern we were in as misogyny and that life was better and easier without another adult to manage and clean up after. I eventually agreed to give him a single chance to try again and everything has been equal in our house since the day he moved back in- chores are an obvious one, but also stuff like booking parents’ evening slots, eye tests, extracurricular clubs, all the small pieces of admin that add up to a big job when it’s just one person spinning all the plates.

I doubt this would work if there was any doubt in his mind that you were serious (and I didn’t split with the intention of teaching a lesson and getting back together, I really had just had enough at the time and getting back together didn’t even cross my mind until it became clear that he had done serious work to understand what he should have actually been doing all along and the impact on me). I was 100% clear and unemotional about the fact that I would make our split permanent without hesitation if things slipped back.

While I’m satisfied with my decisions, I still sometimes feel angry that it required something so drastic to affect change. I feel like the despair of juggling everything alone while another adult watched me struggle and decided it was A-OK to observe lazily (and actually create more work for me by creating mess/using facilities and never cleaning them) while I floundered has had a lasting effect on my well-being, although all this was years and years ago and I’ve made great strides with my mental health and career since then, so overall things are hugely improved. But please don’t allow this situation to continue and drag you down, I felt like an absolute wreck by the time I took action and all of that could have been avoided if I’d acted sooner and prioritised myself.

This.

'Helping' with the baby?

You mean caring for his own child, surely

And why can't he do some things before work? He could at least sort out the kitchen ready for the day.

He'd have to do these things if he was on his own - the OP is not Dobby the House Elf

And @Kiburi DO NOT WAKE HIM UP!

He's a grown man. His responsibility to get himself to work. Don't mother him

I don't know where you go from here OP if you've tried talking to him, tried writing him lists, tried to arrange therapy. You've already taken most of the actions that people normally get advised to try. Does he understand how genuinely resentful and unhappy you are? What's his solution to make things better?
If things don't change, do you want to stay?

I think you need to drop the rope. Most people don’t do chores in the morning before work. They do the bare minimum and leave for work; most household tasks are done evenings and weekends. But you aren’t the skivvy, so stop doing his stuff for him and expect him to share the load.

You hand him the baby when he comes home and cook dinner, get whatever done. His job is to tidy the kitchen after dinner and do the dishes. If he doesn’t do it, they pile up. You leave them. Wash up your one plate night after night and leave everything else to rot. He will eventually have to do it.

Same with clothes. Don’t wash them. Wash yours and baby’s. He can do his own when they start to stink.

Short of wiping down surfaces and a quick hoover once a week, not much else is truly essential in the house. Leave it be and look after yourself.

Don’t wake him up for work, ever. If he’s late, he’s late. He’ll manage to get to bed earlier and get up on time when he gets in trouble at work. If your baby is bottle fed, he’s can start doing half the nights. Babies don’t magically sleep through when maternity leave is over. Assuming you are going back to work, you’ll be having to manage 1-4 wake ups a night even when you’re both working, no reason you can’t start now. When he has to get up at 1am and then again at 4am and then up for the day at 6:30 suddenly that late night gaming won’t have such appeal.

Right now, it sounds like you are overcompensating for his shittiness. Drop the rope and let him sink in it.

He has no respect for you - he sees the daily grind of the unpaid shit work as your job - this will only get worse. You’re not his partner, you’re his housekeeper, his nanny and his project manager.

This is what I would do. His behaviour needs to have consequences. Let him be tired from gaming and late for work. Let him run out of clean clothes. I would 100% focus on you and baby and not remind him about anything an adult should know needs doing around the house. I would be petty enough not to wash his dishes or tidy his side of the bed. Let him get the message that your are not his de facto slave just because you're a woman.