Angry at DH for sleeping in every day and ignoring chores

[Kiburi]

Been with DH for 15 years since we were teens (now both 33) and have a beautiful 5 month old. I’m finding myself drowning and sleep deprived while he thinks nothing’s wrong and is living like he’s childfree.

He’s always struggled with anything domestic, putting clean dishes and clothes away has always been an issue. I have to nag nag nag for anything to get done around the house and things only happen when I get properly angry, so I often just end up doing it all myself. He doesn’t do nothing, he does the ‘big jobs’ (the ones that have an end to them), looks after the garden, sorts fires in our stove in the winter and stuff like that. It’s the daily grind of jobs that are never ‘done’ but are in a cycle that he struggles with. He’s also always had difficulties getting up in the morning. I usually have to shake him awake so he isn’t late for work.

This has become a big(ger) issue for us since DS has been born. I want to start the day strong by getting dressed and doing key chores before DH goes to work so I can feel like I’ve achieved something even if the rest of the day goes to pot, plus I then won’t have that mental niggle of x needs doing all day.

I’ve tried everything to get him to help, down to writing an itemised list of the jobs I need to do morning and evening with how long they take and this is why I need his help with either the jobs or the baby because I can’t do both without having to lose even more sleep at one end of the day. He stays up late in the evening playing his Xbox for a few hours after I’ve already gone to bed, then wonders why he can’t get up in a morning. He’s also never once in 5+ months offered to get up with DS so I can sleep in. I do all the night feeds.

We’ve gone round and round in a loop more times than I could possibly count, but I’m still having to ring him or shake him awake in a morning when it’s already at a point of stress for me. He’s angry at me for being angry at him, but I’m just at my wit’s end.

I’m under the perinatal mental health team and they’ve referred us to family therapy which I think would be useful to have a third party to help us explain our respective struggles, but he’s refusing to go. He says he can’t speak to a stranger about personal stuff.

He is definitely neurodivergent, ASD but undiagnosed. I’m also neurodivergent, I have diagnosed cPTSD that manifests very similarly to ADHD traits. I’ve overcome my natural tendencies to procrastinate jobs and struggle with sleep with various strategies and consistency, but to me it seems like he isn’t even trying and won’t meet me halfway.

AIBU to be so angry and resentful at him? Anybody else had similar situations? I’m terrified about going back to work in two months because I already can’t cope and he basically left me to fend like a single mum on my KIT day a few weeks back.

But he is in a household that has needs that need to be met. He is not a sole actor.

I don’t think many people do chores before work & honestly if you’re home with baby then you can do them during the day surely? I think if you had toddler twins & a newborn then that would be harder to do.

You need to focus on getting baby into a routine so it’s not waking up all night.

I absolutely think he should help out once he’s home from work & I don’t think you should have the responsibility for waking him up of a morning. I also think he should get up one weekend morning & give you a lie in.

It sounds like he wasn’t exactly dynamic pre baby so he presumably thinks it’s ok?

Oh god yet another man stuck in adolescence and obsessed with gaming.

Stop parenting him. Let him get himself up in the morning. If he's late, he's late.

Do a detailed list of exactly what you do in the house / childcare.

Share this and tell him when you get back to work these tasks will have to be shared equally.

And decide what will happen if this doesn't happen.

Thanks for the feedback everyone, it’s useful to hear from different perspectives.

For those asking, the chores I’m referring to are like the opening or closing shift of the house, so making sure there’s no dishes left out, sorting our two cats for food and checking their trays, sorting any full bins, sterilising bottles. Nothing major, but the sorts of tasks that are so much easier with two hands free rather than trying to juggle a baby, and that will quickly spiral into much bigger tasks if left undone.

We’ve had a talk today and he accepts he needs to do more and sort out the getting up in a morning. I am going to insist on one morning at a weekend for him to get up with the baby and we will share night feeds once I go back to work, but hopefully DS will not be as demanding by then. He chose an evening after work as his preferred time to do his share of chores and told me to leave things undone for him to pick up then.

I accept I have contributed to this by doing jobs when I want them done, which is usually earlier than he would want them done. My issue is undone jobs cause me anxiety, I just want them checked off and done. I will try to adjust my expectations to see if he means it when he says he’ll do them at that time. If not, then I’ll look at what comes next.

For those saying I knew what kind of man he was, yes, I did and I do. He is kind, honest, makes me feel safe, is a great dad and works hard. It’s true he was coddled by his mother (only child) and as we’ve been together since we were 17 he never had to fend for himself as a single adult. It doesn’t excuse this situation, but I’m not considering a separation at this point. I want to find a solution that works for both of us.

Thanks again for your feedback and suggestions xx

Why do women always say “he’s a great dad” about men they’ve just said do nothing in the house, spend all night gaming, won’t do night wakings and won’t get up in the morning with their child. Won’t support their partner in the household, and actually refused family therapy because he just doesn’t give a shit.

It’s very sad that you actually see him as a great dad, because that’s not a great dad. It just isn’t.

He paid you lip service today. He isn’t going to change, and you’ll be back in 6 months saying the same but worse, because you’ll be working and still doing it all.

So if he was coddled by his mum, got together with you at 17, and hasn't changed? So you've obviously coddled him too. I hope he can change now, OP, but you should probably start thinking about what you want to do if he doesn't change.

He is kind, honest, makes me feel safe, is a great dad and works hard

you don’t need to tell us why, it’s clear you’d rather bury your head in the sand, atm, but can you have a think about why you wrote that op?

he may well be honest.

but he isn’t kind. Not at all. Kind people do not spend 3 hours gaming per day whilst their loved one struggles. They just don’t. He isn’t kind. So I’m not sure why you wrote that. Did he pretend to be kind when you were dating? Do you fantasise that he’s kind?

he isn’t a good dad. On no planet do ‘goods dads’ make the other parent do every single night waking for 150 nights. They just don’t.

@Kiburi.

Would it work if you wrote out a list & he can just do his jobs after work. He could do cats food & litter, bins for sure before work. But if it’s written down he knows what are his jobs & he can do them as he finds time. Except for feeding cats obviously.

Mine were both sleeping through from 6 weeks so I think you should focus on getting this sorted so it’s not an issue when you are back at work. I was back when first was 4 months so I must admit it was important for me to have this sorted out. I couldn’t manage work after broken sleep & so I did routine from day one.

I don’t think I would be in a rush to have another based on effort & involvement so far. He should be getting up one morning to allow you a lie in, taking baby out sometimes to give you some space & helping with bath.

Can his parents have baby occasionally to give you both a slot to crack on & get house blitzed?

I’d chuck the gaming machine out the window!!

Always reading this on here, I think it just adds weight to the argument that some men don't want kids but have them for their w/p/gf wants one.

I get that impression from the many, many posts on mumsnet as well.

This. What makes him a great dad? Doesn’t get up overnight , doesn’t help with baby in the morning, you did a kit day and felt like a single mum. As a gentle hint, if you feel like a single mum the one day in months you have to go to work, your partner is neither a great partner nor a great dad.