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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not like being around my toddler but adore my baby

109 replies

kindnessforthewin · 19/10/2025 08:38

I don’t know if this is normal but I’ve felt it for a while. I’ve two boys, my three year old has suspected SEN and the process has started for assessments. Quite challenging but mainly the aspects I find hardest are his shouting, generally very loud, even when talking but definitely screams also, and releases pent up energy. Also he’s become violent, hits me, his dad, his brother, kicks us all too. Demands non stop - snacks, tv, (which he gets very little of), he also refuses to get dressed or do anything we ask. I used to find he would do something quite sweet and balance it out but it’s few and far between now.

DC2 has had a different temperament from the word go, so calm, as a newborn, all the way through and now one year old. I just can’t get enough of him. Tbh I was the same when DC1 was one also, up until 18 months anyway! So I don’t know if it’s just their age and I will be fraught when DC2 is 18 months - 3 years.

Recent examples of challenges - DC1 refusing to get dressed, ran up stairs, DH stopped him and held him while I was trying to put on his jeans, DC1 came crawling up the stairs and was between my legs, DC2 suddenly started windmilling his legs and caught DC1 in face. He was shouted at, put on the naughty step and left to cry. Please gentle parents don’t come at me for this - DH has done far too much ‘I know you’re feeling frustrated but you can’t hit’ one too many instagram reels he’s seen, me thinks.

Came into our room one morning and was demanding DH went to his room to get his milk DH had brought him at 6.15am, when DH refused he was jumping over him and landing in my ribs with his hands which hurt a lot the second time. Then started kicking his Dad. DH quickly took him off the bed and onto the floor where he cried the house down at 7am on a Sunday (poor neighbours as we are terraced housing).

I think we are quite firm, removing him from situations or toys if he’s playing with them, he rarely has snacks from a packet, we do allow screen time on Fridays when he’s home but none during the week and little on weekends as we tend to go out/keep busy. He goes to Nursey Mon-Thurs, they’ve flagged his behaviour as neurodivergent. I had a very traumatic birth with him and his oxygen was cut off so I sometimes wonder if that had an effect. His speech is very good, I’d say he’s been ahead of the curve for speaking and early if not on time for all other milestones. Walking crawling sitting up etc.

I like reading him stories, hearing his latest language leaps which make me laugh as he comes out with all sorts, aside from that I find his demands, refusal to do anything and non stop noise hard to deal with so I feel I don’t like being around him.

I guess I feel extra guilty as any 1:1 time I get with DC2 i cherish. Is it normal to dislike being around your child?

OP posts:
Tiswa · 19/10/2025 08:44

So he is on an ND pathway correct? And you are following insta parenting advice for NT children?

Please see professional support including parenting advice on ways to deal with this

get an understanding of general 3 year old behaviour because without the nursery flags and the trauma of his birth a lot sounds fairly normal for 3 year olds

in the stair incident I think you have DC2 and DC1 the wrong way round. That was an accident though and was caused becuase you ended up both trying on the stairs you both created that situation

but no not normal

Nescafeneeded · 19/10/2025 08:47

What makes you think SEN? He sounds challenging but still typical IYSWIM

Original poster
kindnessforthewin · 19/10/2025 08:49

@Nescafeneededi actually am surprised nursery flagged him so young when he was two for it. They had someone assess him, he’s been referred. I think if it wasn’t for that I’d accept he is 3. That said the noise levels and disrespect he has is challenging.

OP posts:
Blueberryme · 19/10/2025 08:52

Have you had his hearing tested recently? His speech may be fine but hearing issues can affect behaviour. Don’t think his hearing is fine because he can hear the rustle of a sweet wrapper from the garden - hearing tests cover a very wide range of sounds both high and low.

Possible SEN aside, he may be picking up subtle clues that you have a preference for DC2 and this alone can cause behaviour issues.

Has nursery suggested getting in an Educational Psychologist as a starting point to assess him? When my DS was 3 they did this for us.

SchoolemailEdinburgh · 19/10/2025 08:52

Can't reply fully but have a look at the incredible years course. There is a book also.

Tiswa · 19/10/2025 08:53

is he a PDA profile?

if he is on a pathway for diagnosis firm parenting for a NT to get through the tricky time isn’t going to help (and even then it is about finding what works and doesn’t and what you fight and what you don’t)

yiu need to access parenting support for guidance on this

MumChp · 19/10/2025 08:54

He is 3. Step up. He can read you like an open book if you prefer the baby.

QuirkyHorse · 19/10/2025 08:54

This is a sad read.
Ds1 will absolutely notice that you don't particularly like him and favour ds2.
Have you thought of family therapy to navigate your way through this? Some outside observations and guidance could help.

ComfortFoodCafe · 19/10/2025 08:55

He sounds like a challenging toddler to me. Instead of jeans (that are tight and many kids have sensory issues with) could you try joggers? Is it the jeans he doesnt like & therefore kicking off? I think i could just let him chill in his underpants unless going out, pick & choose the fights to make things a little easier.
he may of picked up you prefer the baby to him
and this is where a lot of his behaviour is stemming from so be careful. You really cant afford to have favourites as a parent. You must work on this to have a good relationship with both.

Mewling · 19/10/2025 08:57

MumChp · 19/10/2025 08:54

He is 3. Step up. He can read you like an open book if you prefer the baby.

This. Children are incredibly perceptive. You’re letting him down.

Tiswa · 19/10/2025 09:03

@ComfortFoodCafe that is a really good point I hate jeans on young children anyway but any sensory issues would mean it is a no go

DS even at 13 lives in pyjamas in the house due to issues around feeling restricted in clothes. He will wear school uniform because well he has to, hoodies and joggers or shorts and t shirts when out and pyjamas at home

he doesn’t wear jeans!

Original poster
kindnessforthewin · 19/10/2025 09:04

Re jeans we were getting ready to go out, I think food has a huge part to play in his mood, he still naps and had refused lunch then had a sleep so was probably low blood sugar. That said, he is hitting and kicking far too much, it’s everyday.

OP posts:
ComfortFoodCafe · 19/10/2025 09:05

Tiswa · 19/10/2025 09:03

@ComfortFoodCafe that is a really good point I hate jeans on young children anyway but any sensory issues would mean it is a no go

DS even at 13 lives in pyjamas in the house due to issues around feeling restricted in clothes. He will wear school uniform because well he has to, hoodies and joggers or shorts and t shirts when out and pyjamas at home

he doesn’t wear jeans!

Yes same with both of mine. One mention of “jeans” and its kicking off. Ds9 still doesnt wear clothes in the house he just goes around in his pants & a baggy t shirt hes happy as larry. My other son wont even entertain school uniform complains its to tight & itchy, it has to be joggers & hoodie so much that its written in his ECHP. 😅

Mewling · 19/10/2025 09:06

kindnessforthewin · 19/10/2025 09:04

Re jeans we were getting ready to go out, I think food has a huge part to play in his mood, he still naps and had refused lunch then had a sleep so was probably low blood sugar. That said, he is hitting and kicking far too much, it’s everyday.

But why put jeans on him to go out? You know he doesn’t like them, he’s telling you that. Stop forcing him into something he finds uncomfortable.

ComfortFoodCafe · 19/10/2025 09:07

kindnessforthewin · 19/10/2025 09:04

Re jeans we were getting ready to go out, I think food has a huge part to play in his mood, he still naps and had refused lunch then had a sleep so was probably low blood sugar. That said, he is hitting and kicking far too much, it’s everyday.

Get rid of the jeans. Go for joggers, see if it helps. Try little snacks if he refuses lunch even if its just some cucumber sticks & a sauce to dip. You gotta pick your fights when they have sen. Some you will win, some are not worth fighting that day.

Goldenbear · 19/10/2025 09:10

He's tree years old, pretty much a baby himself and strange how nursery are flagging things when usually nothing is noticed or acted upon until at school! You need to start being kinder to a baby himself, no shouting, no stupid naughty corners, perhaps if you did those things and don't behave immaturely and expect a three year old to behave like a thirteen year old, you wouldn't see so many 'flags'!!!

vickylou78 · 19/10/2025 09:30

Remember 3 is one of the hardest ages as they are starting to push boundaries and their own independence but can't vocalise properly what they are unhappy about. It gets easier when they reach 4.

Just lots of patience op and be firm with the kicking as that's not acceptable.

UniversityofWarwick · 19/10/2025 09:31

Why was he punished for accidentally kicking his brother?

Fedup360 · 19/10/2025 09:36

As someone with a Sen daughter (5) diagnosed with autism at 3, and a NT daughter who’s just turned 3 it’s really sad that you will openly say you don’t really like your sen child. Was there any PPD? I get having a sen child is hard at times but they need our love.

StormyPotatoes · 19/10/2025 09:38

With the jeans incident he tried to tell you he didn’t want jeans but you didn’t listen and strong armed him and he reacted. And then you punished him. You could have just changed the narrative and asked him what he would like to wear instead.

This is just a snap shot but there is nothing there I’d actually deem as ‘naughty’.

Poppingby · 19/10/2025 09:41

It is absolutely normal to find a 3 year old annoying in comparison to an adorable baby but you must invest time and affection into your toddler even if you don't feel like it. Maybe he has SEN and maybe the doesn't but he still needs not to feel like the bad one all the time and he still needs to feel loved. If you expend some effort in being very loving towards him you will eventually convince yourself too. It is not OK to visibly prefer the baby. This will damage him.

Loopylalalou · 19/10/2025 09:42

MumChp · 19/10/2025 08:54

He is 3. Step up. He can read you like an open book if you prefer the baby.

Have you considered that he might be literally crying out for some nurturing? That he feels your lack of compassionate care? Poor lad.

SillyQuail · 19/10/2025 09:43

I went through a period of enjoying the time with my youngest more than the eldest, now they're 5 and 2.5 it's flipped and the eldest is a joy while the younger one can be very whiney. Maybe you (and I, and probably every other parent!) just find toddler behaviour challenging. I try very hard to remember to view their behaviour through the lens of them having a hard time (because being a toddler is hard and it's age-appropriate to test boundaries and assert themselves) and not interpret it as a flaw in their personality. They will pick up on it if you don't enjoy them and the behaviour will get worse

Tiswa · 19/10/2025 09:47

kindnessforthewin · 19/10/2025 09:04

Re jeans we were getting ready to go out, I think food has a huge part to play in his mood, he still naps and had refused lunch then had a sleep so was probably low blood sugar. That said, he is hitting and kicking far too much, it’s everyday.

Still jeans are not the greatest of choice and even more so for a ND child due to the restrictive material they are also harder to put on than joggers

those kind of changes are easy

you say you don’t allow packet snacks what snacks do you allow?

TheRolyPolyBard · 19/10/2025 09:54

I don't have ND specific advice, but lot's of PPs have already given good advice on this.
I find that when a relationship is difficult that it helps to do lots more of what helps you bond, for a while. So you say you enjoy reading together? Do more of that. Are there other games you could play which use his language skills? And what's he like when you go outside? What about adventure walks, looking for bugs/worms, crayon rubbing paper on trees etc, learning names of trees, challenge him to spot something smooth/blue/noisy etc? Just do lots of anything which enables the two of you to have fun together and this will help your relationship from both your perspectives.