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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not like being around my toddler but adore my baby

109 replies

kindnessforthewin · 19/10/2025 08:38

I don’t know if this is normal but I’ve felt it for a while. I’ve two boys, my three year old has suspected SEN and the process has started for assessments. Quite challenging but mainly the aspects I find hardest are his shouting, generally very loud, even when talking but definitely screams also, and releases pent up energy. Also he’s become violent, hits me, his dad, his brother, kicks us all too. Demands non stop - snacks, tv, (which he gets very little of), he also refuses to get dressed or do anything we ask. I used to find he would do something quite sweet and balance it out but it’s few and far between now.

DC2 has had a different temperament from the word go, so calm, as a newborn, all the way through and now one year old. I just can’t get enough of him. Tbh I was the same when DC1 was one also, up until 18 months anyway! So I don’t know if it’s just their age and I will be fraught when DC2 is 18 months - 3 years.

Recent examples of challenges - DC1 refusing to get dressed, ran up stairs, DH stopped him and held him while I was trying to put on his jeans, DC1 came crawling up the stairs and was between my legs, DC2 suddenly started windmilling his legs and caught DC1 in face. He was shouted at, put on the naughty step and left to cry. Please gentle parents don’t come at me for this - DH has done far too much ‘I know you’re feeling frustrated but you can’t hit’ one too many instagram reels he’s seen, me thinks.

Came into our room one morning and was demanding DH went to his room to get his milk DH had brought him at 6.15am, when DH refused he was jumping over him and landing in my ribs with his hands which hurt a lot the second time. Then started kicking his Dad. DH quickly took him off the bed and onto the floor where he cried the house down at 7am on a Sunday (poor neighbours as we are terraced housing).

I think we are quite firm, removing him from situations or toys if he’s playing with them, he rarely has snacks from a packet, we do allow screen time on Fridays when he’s home but none during the week and little on weekends as we tend to go out/keep busy. He goes to Nursey Mon-Thurs, they’ve flagged his behaviour as neurodivergent. I had a very traumatic birth with him and his oxygen was cut off so I sometimes wonder if that had an effect. His speech is very good, I’d say he’s been ahead of the curve for speaking and early if not on time for all other milestones. Walking crawling sitting up etc.

I like reading him stories, hearing his latest language leaps which make me laugh as he comes out with all sorts, aside from that I find his demands, refusal to do anything and non stop noise hard to deal with so I feel I don’t like being around him.

I guess I feel extra guilty as any 1:1 time I get with DC2 i cherish. Is it normal to dislike being around your child?

OP posts:
kindnessforthewin · 19/10/2025 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wow.

OP posts:
kindnessforthewin · 19/10/2025 15:16

SillyQuail · 19/10/2025 12:41

My eldest was also very daddy focused for a long time but now he and I are actually closer. Even though it feels hard to be rejected it's not personal, it's part of their individuation process (younger one is also in this phase now although less extreme) and actually shows they're very securely attached to you. Hang in there! In a year or so it will feel like a distant memory (and then you'll go through it all again with #2!)

This is the kind of honesty and experience I was looking for, some have said otherwise and that’s fine but l’m at least pleased to hear your were in similar scenario and now moved past it. Have spent additional time with DC1 today since post and mindfully paying him more attention than DC2, who now has separation anxiety for DH too. I don’t think it’s uncommon for mum to be with baby in their first year more and Daddy take up more of the mantle with toddler. Would love to see the day it tilts back!

OP posts:
kindnessforthewin · 19/10/2025 15:19

dizzydizzydizzy · 19/10/2025 12:44

I think Mother Nature often makes us feel closer to our babies because their needs are greater. I certainly felt generally quite irritated with 2yo DC1 when DC2 was a baby. But part of it was the stress of having 2 very small children - it is hard and I was very very tired.

In my case it was DC2 who was ND. They were always much more demanding than DC1. As a baby, DC2 used to wake up for the date at 4am, at 3yo it was more like 5am. Toddler DC2 also had an incredibly loud voice, to the extend that I thought tbey were hard of hearing (I got them tested and it was actually the opposite).

OP, it will get better.

Thank you 💐

OP posts:
Btowngirl · 19/10/2025 15:21

Not trying to diminish your feelings or potential SEN diagnosis, but I do think part of this is the age gap and juggle of having 2. We have an 11m old and a 3 year old and we have had a huge struggle balancing the needs of them both, DD1 has big feelings an emotions at the moment and acts out more than before (unsurprising with her age & a newish younger sibling). In contrast, DD2 is at a beautiful interactive age where she can be pacified really easily. I think it’s natural for the extremes to be compared!

bottleofvodka · 19/10/2025 15:58

@@@@@

Goldenbear · 19/10/2025 16:37

sparrowhawkhere · 19/10/2025 14:24

I think you’re getting a really hard time!
A 3 year old is not a toddler (and definitely not a baby as someone else suggested!)
Lots of good ideas here but I think it’s great that you aren’t accepting him hurting you because he has big feelings.

A three year old is a toddler.

kindnessforthewin · 19/10/2025 16:41

MyLimeGuide · 19/10/2025 13:14

Shocking that you admit this OP! Poor 3 year old you will ruin his mental health forever if you carry on like this. Please dont have any more children.

Christ.

OP posts:
kindnessforthewin · 19/10/2025 16:43

NormasArse · 19/10/2025 13:23

We have a child at nursery who sounds very similar. The way his father looks at his baby sister is completely different to the way he looks at him- it’s noticeable.

This child’s behaviour is really challenging, and I’m not surprised his parents get fed up if I’m honest, but… I have found that humour helps enormously. He goes to lash out at me, and I grab him for a tickly bear hug- the situation is diffused. He seems to need that firm contact and gets it anyway he can. I suppose it’s finding ways to do that safely.

He also refuses to do most anything he’s asked to, so I ignore (if safe) and carry on talking to the others, praising; offering stickers… he will often quietly creep back into the mix and start doing what I originally asked him to.

It can be really frustrating, but I find the more people lock horns with him, the worse his behaviour becomes, and I’d really like him to get used to feeling happy about getting it right, rather than feeling forced, if that makes sense?

Really good point!! Will try it! Someone else recommended humour and I like that.

OP posts:
Floatingdownriver · 19/10/2025 16:43

He sounds like a three year old.

Goldenbear · 19/10/2025 16:45

kindnessforthewin · 19/10/2025 11:32

would be keen to understand how you advise we respond to hitting, kicking, punching all three family members in a row, unprovoked?

You read a book about it, make sure you understand child development, if you had done that, you would realise your expectations of adult like impulse control are ridiculous!

Goldenbear · 19/10/2025 16:55

NotEnoughKnittingTime · 19/10/2025 12:08

Why do people ask this? If it has been flagged up by nursery then there will be something there. We don't go for SEN diagnosis for shits and giggles.

Erm, my DD's pre-school said she was mute, she wasn't and at mid teens with lots of friends, lots of socialising does not demonstrate any such issue! So glad I didn't listen to this bollox!

NotEnoughKnittingTime · 19/10/2025 17:27

Goldenbear · 19/10/2025 16:55

Erm, my DD's pre-school said she was mute, she wasn't and at mid teens with lots of friends, lots of socialising does not demonstrate any such issue! So glad I didn't listen to this bollox!

Good for you? All that doesn't mean she isn't ND btw.

raunbowshoes · 19/10/2025 17:35

Goldenbear · 19/10/2025 16:45

You read a book about it, make sure you understand child development, if you had done that, you would realise your expectations of adult like impulse control are ridiculous!

To be fair, if she had done this the other half of MN would give her hate for being a ‘gentle parent’ and demand to know what the consequences were.

ThePoshUns · 19/10/2025 17:37

dS1 sounds like a normal toddler to me. Poor chap.

wildeflowers · 19/10/2025 17:40

MumChp · 19/10/2025 08:54

He is 3. Step up. He can read you like an open book if you prefer the baby.

this for sure. Yelling and hitting only make things worse and your emotional rejection will destroy him eventually. Get off the internet and give gim positive attention.

BlackeyedSusan · 19/10/2025 18:18

NotEnoughKnittingTime · 19/10/2025 12:08

Why do people ask this? If it has been flagged up by nursery then there will be something there. We don't go for SEN diagnosis for shits and giggles.

Ah but it's sooo much fuuuun doing all those appointments and being told you are making it up til you are not.

(So greedy, We've racked up 5 disabilities, and at least 8 diagnosed conditions between us)

Goldenbear · 19/10/2025 18:22

NotEnoughKnittingTime · 19/10/2025 17:27

Good for you? All that doesn't mean she isn't ND btw.

She isn't! The whole point is that I wouldn't necessarily take typical three year old behaviour as a sign of anything or a nursery teacher's observations as fact!

Goldenbear · 19/10/2025 18:26

BlackeyedSusan · 19/10/2025 18:18

Ah but it's sooo much fuuuun doing all those appointments and being told you are making it up til you are not.

(So greedy, We've racked up 5 disabilities, and at least 8 diagnosed conditions between us)

But that's not what people are saying, the OP's 3 year old sounds like a typical three year old. If you are subjugating the kid to made up bullshit punishments like the naughty corner that just lay the blame at a three year old's door, you have seriously gone wrong with the parenting lark!

Goldenbear · 19/10/2025 18:27

raunbowshoes · 19/10/2025 17:35

To be fair, if she had done this the other half of MN would give her hate for being a ‘gentle parent’ and demand to know what the consequences were.

What, of a three year old? God, Mumsnet has changed!

NotEnoughKnittingTime · 19/10/2025 18:27

Goldenbear · 19/10/2025 18:22

She isn't! The whole point is that I wouldn't necessarily take typical three year old behaviour as a sign of anything or a nursery teacher's observations as fact!

Usually if they flag something up there will be good reason for it. At one I had my suspicions with my son. By three we have been put on a autism assessment waiting list and his school nursery are starting the process of an EHCP. Sometimes you can tell what isn't typical fairly early. My son will be high functioning autistic.

Goldenbear · 19/10/2025 18:31

NotEnoughKnittingTime · 19/10/2025 18:27

Usually if they flag something up there will be good reason for it. At one I had my suspicions with my son. By three we have been put on a autism assessment waiting list and his school nursery are starting the process of an EHCP. Sometimes you can tell what isn't typical fairly early. My son will be high functioning autistic.

Edited

I agree that you can in some cases and I have a friend who was in that exact scenario but the OP's description sounds very typical behaviour and the neural pathways are forming and these punishments are not appropriate and are making things worse.

NotEnoughKnittingTime · 19/10/2025 18:35

Goldenbear · 19/10/2025 18:31

I agree that you can in some cases and I have a friend who was in that exact scenario but the OP's description sounds very typical behaviour and the neural pathways are forming and these punishments are not appropriate and are making things worse.

I mean yeah my son loves to kick out when changing his nappy or putting clothes on. A bit annoying but as he is young for his age punishments don't make any difference!

SardinesOnGingerbread · 19/10/2025 18:54

Just sending good wishes and understanding for your feelings. We just can't help a feeling, however unacceptable or cloaked in shame it comes.

SardinesOnGingerbread · 19/10/2025 18:54

Just sending good wishes and understanding for your feelings. We just can't help a feeling, however unacceptable or cloaked in shame it comes.

Goldenbear · 19/10/2025 19:09

NotEnoughKnittingTime · 19/10/2025 18:35

I mean yeah my son loves to kick out when changing his nappy or putting clothes on. A bit annoying but as he is young for his age punishments don't make any difference!

If the OP's child is neuro diverse then these punishments are going to be pointless.

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