To not like being around my toddler but adore my baby

[kindnessforthewin]

I don’t know if this is normal but I’ve felt it for a while. I’ve two boys, my three year old has suspected SEN and the process has started for assessments. Quite challenging but mainly the aspects I find hardest are his shouting, generally very loud, even when talking but definitely screams also, and releases pent up energy. Also he’s become violent, hits me, his dad, his brother, kicks us all too. Demands non stop - snacks, tv, (which he gets very little of), he also refuses to get dressed or do anything we ask. I used to find he would do something quite sweet and balance it out but it’s few and far between now.

DC2 has had a different temperament from the word go, so calm, as a newborn, all the way through and now one year old. I just can’t get enough of him. Tbh I was the same when DC1 was one also, up until 18 months anyway! So I don’t know if it’s just their age and I will be fraught when DC2 is 18 months - 3 years.

Recent examples of challenges - DC1 refusing to get dressed, ran up stairs, DH stopped him and held him while I was trying to put on his jeans, DC1 came crawling up the stairs and was between my legs, DC2 suddenly started windmilling his legs and caught DC1 in face. He was shouted at, put on the naughty step and left to cry. Please gentle parents don’t come at me for this - DH has done far too much ‘I know you’re feeling frustrated but you can’t hit’ one too many instagram reels he’s seen, me thinks.

Came into our room one morning and was demanding DH went to his room to get his milk DH had brought him at 6.15am, when DH refused he was jumping over him and landing in my ribs with his hands which hurt a lot the second time. Then started kicking his Dad. DH quickly took him off the bed and onto the floor where he cried the house down at 7am on a Sunday (poor neighbours as we are terraced housing).

I think we are quite firm, removing him from situations or toys if he’s playing with them, he rarely has snacks from a packet, we do allow screen time on Fridays when he’s home but none during the week and little on weekends as we tend to go out/keep busy. He goes to Nursey Mon-Thurs, they’ve flagged his behaviour as neurodivergent. I had a very traumatic birth with him and his oxygen was cut off so I sometimes wonder if that had an effect. His speech is very good, I’d say he’s been ahead of the curve for speaking and early if not on time for all other milestones. Walking crawling sitting up etc.

I like reading him stories, hearing his latest language leaps which make me laugh as he comes out with all sorts, aside from that I find his demands, refusal to do anything and non stop noise hard to deal with so I feel I don’t like being around him.

I guess I feel extra guilty as any 1:1 time I get with DC2 i cherish. Is it normal to dislike being around your child?

Don't put him in jeans. Try softer more comfortable clothing. He might not be able to vocalise the discomfort yet. (If he has a communication disability with sensory difficulties)

Give choices where you can: Do you want to climb into the car seat yourself or me to put you in the car seat? (Note you get your desired outcome. )

Keep him well exercised, fed, watered and rested . Blood sugar dips can make behaviour worse.

Behaviour: prevention. You keep the kids separate.
You position him so he can't kick you (at least as hard.) (or bite or headbutt your face or scratch or hair pull)
Firm "No kicking"
Explain what you are doing.
Use "now next later" (pictures of activities)
You warn him that he is going to get dressed soon after his programme. (Give a choice of clothes) Interrupting something he looks mes is asking for trouble.
You are responsable for helping him regulate his emotions.

Learn his triggers and minimise them.
Watch him and learn when he is getting overwhelmed and stop whatever it is. ( Eg: Shop without him, use less sensory overwhelming shops, shop quickly, plan in advance to reduce shopping learn to manage and be adaptable with what you have. Use home delivery. Ie: some activities need to happen but they can be adapted to meet the needs of his disability)

Remember behaviour is communication. What is he communicating. (He's still very young, still impulsive, still very much now focussed, still not yet realising other people have their own needs and wants)

I agree I don’t think he can vocalise the discomfort or recognise at the moment the potential for the fact that his issue with getting dressed is how uncomfortable jeans are - he knows getting dressed means he is not as comfy but not that joggers would be better.

the incident with him kicking is on you and your DH. 2 parents on one child on the stairs is dangerous and stupid and the fact that the incident was a kick in the head is lucky. You caused that by placing both of them in a situation you couldn’t control

your firm parenting style is not right for the child you have and you need to adapt it to suits the needs of your children

snacks as well what snack do you have and what don’t you have

It's not unprovoked. The provocation might be weird to you. (Mine didn't like warm baths only tepid skin temperature baths)

He was hungry and tired. It wasn't going to go well. You need to reflect on your parenting when things go wrong and what you could do better to avoid painting yourself into a parenting corner.

A firm : "No hitting. It hurts mummy." Is fine.

And plenty of praising behaviour you want. Effusively.

Never compare to anyone else. Compare to his past good behaviour.

I understand OP, you're only human. I have a nearly-three year old DD and it's exhausting. Sometimes I prefer to be with my quiet baby DD2, sometimes I like the chaos of my wild DD1. I love them both, but sometimes do enjoy time with one more than the other.

No advice on the behavioural aspect as we are still working that one out too. It does all sound relatively normal for a toddler though. Hopefully with time things will get a little easier.

If you think your child is ND treat them as so. Provide sensory toys, don’t put heavy/uncomfortable fabrics on them, be patient when they are lashing out and continue to have firm boundaries.
My older child would do “naughty” things when he was sensory seeking. Making sure he now has acsess to lots of sensory items helped massively. He really enjoys things he can squish and loves a sensory peanut to bounce/roll on. Snacks can also be great when sensory seeking, crunchy or squishy foods and even the flavours provide sensory for your child.

My eldest was also very daddy focused for a long time but now he and I are actually closer. Even though it feels hard to be rejected it's not personal, it's part of their individuation process (younger one is also in this phase now although less extreme) and actually shows they're very securely attached to you. Hang in there! In a year or so it will feel like a distant memory (and then you'll go through it all again with #2!)

I agree you need to work out what his triggers could be that can cause the lashing out - he doesn’t seem to like being touched based on the cuddle comment is that the case

@Nearly50omg they aren’t gentle parents they are by the OPs own words firm

I think Mother Nature often makes us feel closer to our babies because their needs are greater. I certainly felt generally quite irritated with 2yo DC1 when DC2 was a baby. But part of it was the stress of having 2 very small children - it is hard and I was very very tired.

In my case it was DC2 who was ND. They were always much more demanding than DC1. As a baby, DC2 used to wake up for the date at 4am, at 3yo it was more like 5am. Toddler DC2 also had an incredibly loud voice, to the extend that I thought tbey were hard of hearing (I got them tested and it was actually the opposite).

OP, it will get better.

This made my mouth drop. He's three.
Yes he was fighting you and DH and kicking out but he didn't intentionally kick his brother despite "knowing he was there". He doesn't have the ability to stop himself yet and go "oh since my brother is there, I'll stop meltdowning now".

I would say that it's easy to want to spend time with your youngest, because they are comparatively easier. My daughter is autistic, and when I think back to how much easier she was as a baby Vs the preschool years and now, its clear that she is in a more challenging stage now.

For me, I try and pick my battles. My daughter prefers bare legs, so at home she will wear a top/dress and knickers. Knickers are insisted on by us. She knows that unless it is warm enough, she needs to wear leggings or joggers when out.

I suspect the hitting and kicking are signs of dysregulation. It might be worth reading about sensory profiles/diets as there are certain activities that help ground children to prevent them reaching that stage. Things like swinging on a swing, dragging around heavy objects, throwing themselves down on big pillows... All depends on their specific needs, but if you can find ways for him to direct his energy in a safe way that helps him keep regulated you might see less of that side of things.

Possibly an unpopular opinion, but the screen time jumped out at me as quite restrictive and possibly a battle ground. Could you loosen this a bit, set clear expectations around what he can have and when (we allow watching videos but no games at all for example) and keep it as a routine? If he knows it is coming he may stop demanding it? On that topic as well, strong routine and visual reminders of the routine might be beneficial to him too, so you can refer him to that when he starts to demand to remind him of the routine?

This sounds tough, but hopefully you can find some support to help calm things a little at home.

Shocking that you admit this OP! Poor 3 year old you will ruin his mental health forever if you carry on like this. Please dont have any more children.

We have a child at nursery who sounds very similar. The way his father looks at his baby sister is completely different to the way he looks at him- it’s noticeable.

This child’s behaviour is really challenging, and I’m not surprised his parents get fed up if I’m honest, but… I have found that humour helps enormously. He goes to lash out at me, and I grab him for a tickly bear hug- the situation is diffused. He seems to need that firm contact and gets it anyway he can. I suppose it’s finding ways to do that safely.

He also refuses to do most anything he’s asked to, so I ignore (if safe) and carry on talking to the others, praising; offering stickers… he will often quietly creep back into the mix and start doing what I originally asked him to.

It can be really frustrating, but I find the more people lock horns with him, the worse his behaviour becomes, and I’d really like him to get used to feeling happy about getting it right, rather than feeling forced, if that makes sense?

I’m fairly sure my child is neurotypical. However, she regularly displays the behaviour you’ve mentioned. I’m not saying he’s not (of course) but all of these things are typical for toddlers. Of course, some are all sweetness and light and many have their moments, but it’s really normal to despair at toddler behaviour and have to dig really deep not to get annoyed or take it personally.

For instance, the story about the jumping on the bed… my toddler booted me in the face at 5am while trying to dive headfirst over her dad to demand juice (we introduced juice at bedtime because she had a stomach bug a few nights ago… we are living to regret it). She then screamed ‘juuuuice’ until she settled for water in a ‘special cup’. She does most things on her own terms - dressing, hair brushing, eating….

OP you are clearly wanting g to lay the blame on your child here for his ‘behaviour’. You really really do need to pause and reflect and look at some of the excellent advice you’ve had here or it is only going to get worse. Your poor boy is struggling and you don’t seem to want to help him. It’s really sad. It’s not too late to fix this but you really need to educate yourself about childhood development and neurodiversity and helping your ds to regulate. This is NOT his fault. He isn’t badly behaved. He is challenging because he can’t communicate his needs yet. He wants to assert his own wants and needs and has someone battling him and entering into a power struggle. You can literally make his life so much easier if you just look at yourself and make some changes.

Who does?

Why would you shout at DC1 and put his on the naughty step if DC2 was the one who kicked him in the face (by accident?). Maybe I've misunderstood...

From what you describe, he sounds to me like a strong willed 3yo who has a new baby brother and is struggling with his parents' divided attention (and likely is picking up on the fact you prefer your other child to him). Mine also wouldn't do as she was told, refused to get dressed, etc etc. 3 was the worst for this and she got a lot better as she got older and so did her sibling.

Many of us who have been around children all our lives.

It sounds very challenging but ultimately he’s going to know you prefer the baby.

as for the kicking thing - why are you getting into a scenario where two of you are wresling a pre schooler on the stairs. Come on now that was never going to end well. And he may have been kicking his legs knowing he shouldn’t but at three he’s not going to understand the consequences of potentially getting his brother. It sounds like you are putting an adults malicious intent on a small child.

I’m going to be direct - he sounds like a normal challenging toddler and I get its tough - but you sound pretty intolerant - he is 3 - do you understand like really understand that?

Poor kid. You don’t like being around him because you’ve a better one now. He’ll know.

Keeping him comfortable (joggers), not hungry (small snacks with you at all times!), and show him as much love and kindness as you can. Boundaries are great but if he's ND he's been set up to fail.
I would use tv - decent CBeebies stuff - every day to a chance to cuddle up on the sofa with him.
He needs more positive interactions to balance all the negative ones.
I've had one child who was so much more difficult than my second child - I feel a lot of guilt now about not recognising the neurodiversity that was affecting his behaviour. Of course it's going to drive you barmy at times. But try to see the good in him and build up loving interactions.

My three year old sounds very similar. We havnt heard anything from nursery about him hitting and kicking there but he unprovoked (in our eyes) hits and kicks us. I only say in our eyes as we have noticed it’s when his little brother is getting attention for something so suspect it’s a bit of jealousy and he’s really pushing our boundaries. The bicycle legs thing is also something he would do.
hes not on any SEN pathway, i had just assumed challenging toddler. He can also be extremely sweet and caring but most of the time pushes the boundaries at the moment, hoping it’s just a phase!

I think you’re getting a really hard time!
A 3 year old is not a toddler (and definitely not a baby as someone else suggested!)
Lots of good ideas here but I think it’s great that you aren’t accepting him hurting you because he has big feelings.

I don’t think anybody has said for OP to accept being hurt. Just pointing out that the lashing out is due to meltdown and being unable to communicate. OP has been given the advice of keeping words short and to the point and saying not to hurt. People have advised about trying to prevent the situations from reaching the point of DS1 kicking and hitting. Nobody has said that the hitting is okay.