To not like being around my toddler but adore my baby

[kindnessforthewin]

I don’t know if this is normal but I’ve felt it for a while. I’ve two boys, my three year old has suspected SEN and the process has started for assessments. Quite challenging but mainly the aspects I find hardest are his shouting, generally very loud, even when talking but definitely screams also, and releases pent up energy. Also he’s become violent, hits me, his dad, his brother, kicks us all too. Demands non stop - snacks, tv, (which he gets very little of), he also refuses to get dressed or do anything we ask. I used to find he would do something quite sweet and balance it out but it’s few and far between now.

DC2 has had a different temperament from the word go, so calm, as a newborn, all the way through and now one year old. I just can’t get enough of him. Tbh I was the same when DC1 was one also, up until 18 months anyway! So I don’t know if it’s just their age and I will be fraught when DC2 is 18 months - 3 years.

Recent examples of challenges - DC1 refusing to get dressed, ran up stairs, DH stopped him and held him while I was trying to put on his jeans, DC1 came crawling up the stairs and was between my legs, DC2 suddenly started windmilling his legs and caught DC1 in face. He was shouted at, put on the naughty step and left to cry. Please gentle parents don’t come at me for this - DH has done far too much ‘I know you’re feeling frustrated but you can’t hit’ one too many instagram reels he’s seen, me thinks.

Came into our room one morning and was demanding DH went to his room to get his milk DH had brought him at 6.15am, when DH refused he was jumping over him and landing in my ribs with his hands which hurt a lot the second time. Then started kicking his Dad. DH quickly took him off the bed and onto the floor where he cried the house down at 7am on a Sunday (poor neighbours as we are terraced housing).

I think we are quite firm, removing him from situations or toys if he’s playing with them, he rarely has snacks from a packet, we do allow screen time on Fridays when he’s home but none during the week and little on weekends as we tend to go out/keep busy. He goes to Nursey Mon-Thurs, they’ve flagged his behaviour as neurodivergent. I had a very traumatic birth with him and his oxygen was cut off so I sometimes wonder if that had an effect. His speech is very good, I’d say he’s been ahead of the curve for speaking and early if not on time for all other milestones. Walking crawling sitting up etc.

I like reading him stories, hearing his latest language leaps which make me laugh as he comes out with all sorts, aside from that I find his demands, refusal to do anything and non stop noise hard to deal with so I feel I don’t like being around him.

I guess I feel extra guilty as any 1:1 time I get with DC2 i cherish. Is it normal to dislike being around your child?

My middle fella had an absolute aversion to some clothes and he'd fight and argue and lose his mind. He also was like a mountain- there was no persuading or distracting him. For a while I was convinced he must be ND. But in hindsight, he's just different from DC1. So I started taking him shopping to pick out his clothes, and if something was important (to me) like Christmas or a christening or whatever, we'd discuss that he'd need to wear particular things and what compromise we could find, like stretchy chinos, polos instead of shirts etc. He's started school now and he's completely different. But also I've started asking him to do thinks instead of telling him what we're doing.

I think 3 is a hard age, because it's hard to know what they're thinking and they can't articulate whether they don't want to get dressed now, don't want to go out, don't want jeans, or buttons or the colour blue. Or the shoes he wears with jeans or God knows what else goes on in their brains.

TLDR my 7yo was a pain in the arse at 3 but turns out I didn't understand him.

My DS has autism, ADHD and ODD. He's 12 now and has always been very challenging. You just cannot shout at him, naughty corner never worked when he was younger etc. Of course we do lose our temper with him at times but it always just causes the behaviour to escalate. We remove his screen time for poor behaviour, which does often cause a meltdown. But the only way to deal with his meltdowns is to try and keep calm and keep our distance until he burns himself out.

He's obsessed with thinking we love his sister more than him. It's a very delicate balance between invariably being stern with him, having more rules/structure etc, sanctions for poor behaviour; and making it abundantly clear that they're both loved equally.

Also, he will absolutely not wear jeans. It's either school uniform or joggers.

When my 3 year old told me “I don’t like hard trousers, I like soft trousers” I listened to him. From that moment we allowed him to choose his clothes (with help when appropriate). It’s still one of our family sayings.

Also - my babies are now in their late twenties and I think it is perfectly normal to have phases of liking one more that the other. My oldest was an absolute nightmare when number 2 came along and I found it hard. Keep plugging on and making lots of time, attention and affection for DS1 - you’ll get there.

My only advice here is to parent the children you have not the ones you wish you had
they are individuals - no two siblings are the same
wrt the stair incident it sounds like you and your husband should have put yourselves on the naughty chair for letting yourselves get into that state - 2 adults wrestling with a child on the stairs - what could possibly go wrong-
learn from it - buy your 3 year old some joggers or even leggings for boys and show him how to try to put them on himself - reward him for that and turn a blind eye to the negative where you can

would be keen to understand how you advise we respond to hitting, kicking, punching all three family members in a row, unprovoked?

It wasn’t an accident he was bicycle kicking his legs when I was putting clothes, aiming to hit me and ended up hitting his brother who was visibly there and he knew it.

Kindly, he didn’t protest the jeans. He was refusing to get dressed and didn’t mention the jeans once.

Thank you, this is comforting. I absolutely nurture him and show him love but in response to ‘can I have a cuddle’ I get ‘let me watch tv’ on repeat. It’s hard to get close to him but I try very much, he also asks for Daddy non stop but I’m persevering. It’s ofc with the rejection for daddy, demands, protesting, screaming, shouting, hitting that tips me over the edge but I imagine I’m not the first mum of a 3 year old to feel at witts end.

I really feel for your DS1. He is only 3. Have you thought about the impact that the arrival of your second DS has had on him? It will have turned his world upside down and he will not have been able to communicate that. 3 is a hard age developmentally. I suggest you really invest some quality time into your DS1 and try to understand his needs and triggers and find ways to work with him. He will absolutely feel that you prefer your second child and again, will not be able to communicate this other than through behaviour. He sounds unhappy.

Why are you trying to get him to cuddle you if that’s not what he wants? Why are you trying to make him wear jeans? I’d be angry if I was trying to watch TV and someone I didn’t want to hug kept asking for one. Stop trying to push on him what you want and learn to understand him and his needs. I hate jeans. I won’t wear them. If I have that autonomy over my body as an adult, why shouldn’t he just because he’s 3z

Respectfully, do you jump to conclusions IRL? Where did I say I was trying to cuddle when watching tv? It’s when he comes in from another room for example: I also didn’t make him wear jeans, if he asked for tracksuit bottoms I’d have jumped at the chance, as we have far more of those, and It would be no problem, he is going through a phase of running off whenever we try to get him dressed, even if he’s dressed and it’s just shoes. I also don’t own jeans and don’t like them, he happily wears them and I didn’t force him. The running away is even when it’s PJs after bath.

He's three. Look at the bigger picture and pick your battles. Little things can kick off big reactions in small children.

@kindnessforthewin are you taking anything on board here you are the adult handling this badly

Sadly this.

Child will end up damaged.

You literally said that you ask him for a cuddle and he shouts that he wants to watch TV. You said you keep trying to persist with him. That sounds to me like you’re asking him to do something you don’t want to do. A lot of the way you talk seems dismissive of his needs and more focussed on how you want him to be. I see a lot of this in my job - parents complaining about their children’s behaviour when they are very much not in tune with who their children are and what it is that they need to stay calm and regulated.

So let him not have trousers on for a bit. Does everything have to be a battle of wills? Why wouldn't your husband just get his drink for him? It takes ages to get my toddler dressed. That's just how they are. Your strict parenting style isn't working. If he is ND then it never will. I am surprised you haven't researched this more. Do you understand what Neurodiversity is?

I can understand your need to post for validation of how you feel and for solidarity from others who have perhaps have felt the same but the reality is you need to heed advice to step up and change your behaviour and response to him.

To be honest, this was what I was like. I am very ashamed now because ds is lovely but I found him very challenging at 2-3. I don’t think he was ever that bad but I had never had a toddler before and then pregnancy and a new baby in the middle of a challenging time anyway probably didn’t help!

DD is now two and she is easier than ds was aged two in many way: she’s calmer (usually) and definitely neater and cleaner! Her verbal skills are better than DS’s were at this age which helps of course. So while she does have tantrums they aren’t quite as … ah, intense as DS’s were!

It really affected our relationship at one point because I think we were just butting heads all the time.

He is now nearly five and a delight. Still so full of energy but I see it now as bravery, determination and tenuousness. He does things his eight year old cousin can’t. Loves being outdoors and biking, swimming, climbing. He’s great. And I feel so bad I ever thought he wasn’t.

He is still loud (at home anyway, he’s fine at school) and exuberant, he’s well behaved and well mannered, has loads of friends and is interested in the world and we have common ground. He’s still so messy though!

I think that you had no idea of how hard parenting anyone past a newborn would be and you've had the children too close together to be able to cope with the workload you grossly underestimated.

Also, if hunger is a contributing factor, then why not let him eat snacks. Snacks can be healthy. Why does food have to be a source of power struggles?

He's trying to tell you 'get the jeans off me' the only way he can, not a punishable offence.

But kicking out when overwhelmed or in a sensory overload still isn’t intentional.

I’ve got three ND children and they are all different. Can you get a referral for some parenting courses? Don’t take it as an insult but a way to find practical solutions to working with your child and finding the most calming way to get through situations. I’d also recommend a sensory OT assessment as that information can be invaluable.

It can be hard to parent a ND child but you have the power to educate yourself and get the right resources in place to make it as easy as possible for all of your family.

Why do people ask this? If it has been flagged up by nursery then there will be something there. We don't go for SEN diagnosis for shits and giggles.

This.

There are some very helpful resources for parenting neurodivergent children.

The PDA Society has helpful information and parenting advice on their website, and webinars too.

If you look up "low demand parenting" you'll find other resources too.

Dr Naomi Fisher (psychologist) is excellent, she does webinars you have to pay for but they're worth it.

Even "standard" (ie not ND-specific) positive parenting advice can be helpful. The blog ahaparenting and the book "how to talk so little kids will listen" (nb you need the little kids one for a 3yo)

But ultimately the single most important thing you can do, as PPs have said, is tune into your child's needs and what he needs to feel calm, loved and regulated. You need an abundance of patience and you need to pick your battles, I can't emphasise this enough.

(I am the parent of a demand avoidant autistic 8yo, also my oldest child... and a younger one who I think is neurotypical, so I have a lot of experience of this. DC2 has been easier in lots of ways - but has very challenging moments too - but you CANNOT play favourites.)