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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas and in-laws

99 replies

autumnalgal · 19/10/2025 03:46

DP and I have been together for just over 3 years. We have a 4 week old DD together. This is his first baby, but my second. I was married for 14 years previously and have a 17 y/o DS who lives with us.

My DP’s mother was incredibly overbearing during my pregnancy and since DD has been born (see previous thread if interested in details). I have found these first 4 weeks postpartum pretty difficult because of this. I am struggling to be around her at the moment and don’t enjoy her company.

When I was with my ExH, we would always spend Christmas day with his family. We’d all have dinner there and spend the majority of the day there afterwards. I would always crave my own Christmas at home with DS and exH but never wanted to rock the boat so just went along with this for 14 years.

DP made comments after Christmas last year that we will invite his parents and brother over for Christmas dinner this year because we now have DD. In previous years, he would still have Christmas dinner with his family, sometimes I would join him at his parents because my DS would have dinner with his Dad’s side of the family still. I also sometimes had dinner with my own family.

I decided in recent months that I really don’t want to fall into this trap of spending Christmas day / eating dinner with DP family. I did this with my exH and would like to now do my own family Christmases, creating our own traditions and cooking my own dinners and not having to worry about in-laws (especially because they’re quite difficult to be around) for the first time ever!!

I told DP tonight and I can tell that he is upset. He has always spent Christmas with his own family. His response was, “well, you can break that news to them” because he knows his parents, but particularly his DM, will be devastated.

I am currently doing a night feed wondering whether IABU. DP wants his family to join us for the day. I do not want this and feel an extra sense of protection over the day due to giving it up for exH for most of my adult life.

WDYT? Thank you.

OP posts:
Eenameenadeeka · 19/10/2025 03:54

Sounds like you and your husband want different things, so you need to compromise, either taking turns by year or parts of the day.
For me Christmas has always been about family so the thought of it being just our household is sad, but if that's what you want then maybe you host only for dinner, or every other year or something? Not fair for him to skip family Christmas if he still wants them.

Topseyt123 · 19/10/2025 04:04

I'd just host them for Christmas Dinner. I don't see much other compromise here and wouldn't see it as too much of an issue provided they went home at a reasonable time.

I understand why you want what you want, and it is actually what we have done over the past 20+ years since our children were tiny. It was what DH and I both wanted though. We often visited family in the Christmas to New Year week though and sometimes they visited us.

However, I don't think you can demand that Christmas is all your own way with nothing of what your DP wants. Hosting his parents for Christmas Dinner would seem to be the preferable option to me.

Dippythedino · 19/10/2025 04:06

Christmas is a 12 day celebration so spread the celebrations over the entire festive period.

I've seen people do the following options over the years:
A) Invite one set of parents for Christmas Eve celebrations European style with gift exchange
B) Xmas day nuclear family only
C) Boxing day another set of parents
D) host both families on Xmas day in your own home
E) Meet both families for Xmas lunch out & then everyone free to go home afterwards

With such a young breastfeeding baby, I'd be tempted to say to dp invite who you like for Xmas but all I'll be doing is gift opening, eating & feeding the baby. Then leave him to host and you do nothing for Christmas preparation at all this year & let him bear the brunt of it.

spoonbillstretford · 19/10/2025 04:08

We get together with inlaws on Christmas Day and Boxing Day but the rest of the holidays is just us. We only live round the corner so no-one stays over.

Tryingatleast · 19/10/2025 04:09

Your mil may just be excited because of the new baby- you’ve been through it before so probably didn’t expect the craziness! On Christmas people love different things at Christmas- I’d personally love the idea of both you ex and dh’s Christmas but as above there should be compromise. What about your own family? (As in any siblings etc). Hope you figure it out. And congratulations on the new addition

HateMyselfToo · 19/10/2025 04:28

I'd maybe give in this year so you can all celebrate 'baby's first xmas' on the understanding that you do something different next year, something different again the year after etc. Whatever you do, don't get stuck in the rut of "we always do it like this..."

BeanQuisine · 19/10/2025 04:30

Many extended families have festive get-togethers before the day itself, reserving Xmas Day as a quiet, immediate family do. You could perhaps start that tradition yourself.

T1mesAreHardForDreamers · 19/10/2025 04:33

YANBU. At the end of the day you have given birth only a few weeks ago and while absolutely lovely, Christmases with young babies for me were much better as a quiet day just me, DP and DC.

I know previous posters are saying compromise and have in laws over... how is it a compromise to do exactly what DP wants?

There are so many opportunities to celebrate Christmas together, it doesn't have to be on the day.

I know it can be hard to sound like you aren't being sociable, but I can't imagine anything worse than a lifetime for Christmas days where I never really enjoyed them because I was forever spending them appeasing other people 😔

deadpan · 19/10/2025 04:38

Could they come over for presents and leftovers instead of the main event? That way you would have excuses to duck out of the room or maybe even go for a short walk to give yourself a breather while they're fussing over your daughter.
I don't know how to check someone else's threads as you suggested but it sounds like his parents are a pain in the arse. Ditto for my in-laws. Sometimes we just have to suck it up for a few hours and it's generally not as bad as we anticipate. Being so soon after having your daughter, it's no surprise you're feeling fragile.

HeyThereDelila · 19/10/2025 04:43

Take turns on a 3 year rotation between hosting them, going to your DPs or hosting your DPs and having Christmas at home alone.

Don’t be browbeaten though if your MIL is really overbearing. Invite Christmas Eve or Boxing Day instead. Not unreasonable to have a quiet Christmas at home the four of you this year.

If you do end up hosting make sure DH does all the cooking etc or buys it in from M&S.

AquaFurball · 19/10/2025 04:47

Who will be cooking dinner and buying/wrapping all the gifts and serving drinks and snacks on Christmas Day? If the answer is him,he should invite his parents. If the answer is you, tell him you aren't hosting anyone this year with a tiny baby and if he wants to then it's all on him.

Eenameenadeeka · 19/10/2025 04:59

T1mesAreHardForDreamers · 19/10/2025 04:33

YANBU. At the end of the day you have given birth only a few weeks ago and while absolutely lovely, Christmases with young babies for me were much better as a quiet day just me, DP and DC.

I know previous posters are saying compromise and have in laws over... how is it a compromise to do exactly what DP wants?

There are so many opportunities to celebrate Christmas together, it doesn't have to be on the day.

I know it can be hard to sound like you aren't being sociable, but I can't imagine anything worse than a lifetime for Christmas days where I never really enjoyed them because I was forever spending them appeasing other people 😔

The two choices are have Christmas with extended family, or have Christmas with household only. So there is no real "compromise" as in, it's either his way or her way- if having them over isn't a compromise, then neither is not having them over (then it's only her way).
The only way to compromise is how much time- either less of the day than he would have liked, or alternate years as to who chooses.

Also, he should definitely do a lot of the work as the person who wants to host!

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 19/10/2025 05:13

I think you are being a bit harsh … you have done the whole child’s first Christmas and excitement about Santa before where your DP and I’m assuming MIL hasn’t. It’s your DP’s first child’s Christmas too - doesn’t he get a say.

Personally I would suck it up this Christmas and then do a 3 year rota- one year his parents, next your family and one year you have just immediate family only.

BrightGreenPoet · 19/10/2025 05:18

I understand where you're coming from, you want your own traditions with your own little family and you don't want to have to deal with your crazy in-laws. Unfortunately, we all have crazy in-laws/relatives and they all come out of their closets and dark corners at Christmas. This is why we all drink and get so fat eating our feelings over the holidays.

It's totally okay to come up with your own traditions, but it's not fair to ask your partner to give up seeing his family at Christmas.

You should try to come up with a compromise that will allow you to make your own traditions while still allowing him to spend time with his family.

If it helps, what I do is spend Christmas Eve with one side of our family, Christmas Day at home with the kids, and we used to spend Boxing day celebrating with my mother until she passed away last year. It worked for us because everyone got to spend time together but we still got to spend Christmas Day at home without visitors because the kids were/are always exhausted after the excitement of Christmas morning. And we make a lasagna for Christmas Day dinner because we like it way better than the traditional Christmas foods.

Meadowfinch · 19/10/2025 05:20

I'd host them for Christmas lunch, with your dp doing much of the hosting while you cook, in the kitchen and away from his mum.

Then once you've eaten, you can retreat to your bedroom with LO to breastfeed and leave dp and mil to tidy up. She won't want to talk to you anyway, and you can avoid her interference with LO by being out of sight..

Buy a door wedge for your room, it is the most effective bit of kit I found for fending of unpleasant but determined ILs.

Then have a glorious boxing day all to yourselves 😊

Lifesd · 19/10/2025 05:23

Is your DH an only child?

No5ChalksRoad · 19/10/2025 05:31

If you do end up hosting them, make him do 100 percent of the planning, shopping, wrapping, cleaning, prep, decorating, cooking, serving and cleanup. Something tells me he’ll change his tune after that.

I’d also suggest a buffet or grazing meal rather than a sit down lunch. Let them come from 2-4pm for a plate of food, and that’s it.

Ponoka7 · 19/10/2025 05:32

I'd agree to dropping in to see them, or you won't get rid of them. Either that or he goes alone. He's paying the price of you not standing up for yourself for all those years and that isn't fair. He needs to speak to his Mum, to reign her behaviour in and to be more respectful of you. However, I'm a hands-on Nan and I love my GC as I did my own children. I also had a close relationship with my grandparents. It can be a very special and important relationship, but at the moment, her over enthusiasm is making her overstep. You need your DH onboard with helping the both of them respect your needs, as a mum of a young baby and recovering from birth.

DreamTheMoors · 19/10/2025 05:32

The best Christmases for us were when we lived on the east coast of the USA and our family lived on the west coast.
Oh we’ll miss you! You have a merry Christmas!

Why don’t you talk your husband into taking you and the kids away for Christmas?
Say you’re about to fall apart if you don’t get the hell outta Dodge.
Go somewhere beautiful like the Lake District for several days and pack up the presents and celebrate there.

Be geographically unavailable.

Good luck in any case, @autumnalgal ❤️
You have a merry Christmas! 🎄

mirrorsandlights · 19/10/2025 05:53

It’s ridiculous of DP to expect to spend every Christmas with his family now he has his own family. What about your needs and wants and those of your daughter? You also have a new baby so in your shoes I wouldn’t be hosting anything. I hate all the expectations around Christmas and, as other posters have said, there are plenty of days during the festive season to get together with parents and extended family.

MinnieMountain · 19/10/2025 06:06

I agree with a 3 year rotation. Make this year the one that DP hosts his parents and you have an excuse to escape to feed your DD. She won’t have a clue this year. Later years when she will can be just you.

windchimeheaven · 19/10/2025 06:19

If they're just coming for dinner, you have the whole rest of the day as a private immediate family Christmas? Doesn't seem like a bad compromise to me.

Original poster
autumnalgal · 19/10/2025 11:41

I told DP it would be fine for them to come over for a couple of hours later in the evening and perhaps for some leftovers. But if we have them here from lunch time, they will stay for the day. They push boundaries constantly. For example, the day I gave birth, they came to visit and stayed for 4+ hours and kept trying to get us to order a take-away. I went upstairs with DD and told DP he needed to ask them to leave. He did.
4 days later, they came back again and I told DP to let them know that we’d appreciate it if they could only visit for 2 hours as I was (am) still recovering and needed rest. They stayed for 3+ hours. MIL laughed as she commented on how they’d gone over their time limit and then FIL said, “I am not having a time limit placed on seeing my granddaughter.”

After this, and the constant bombardment of messages (I get 3-4 daily), I just don’t desire most of the day with them. I don’t feel like I can trust them if we say, “Yes come, but only for lunch.”

I feel like that’s the only compromise I have in me.

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 19/10/2025 11:45

See them Boxing Day this year and Christmas Day next year. And go to them so you can leave when you want!

Catpiece · 19/10/2025 11:46

Traditional Christmases change and evolve with new additions and losses. You have to accept and adapt.