Page 4 | Christmas and in-laws

autumnalgal · 2025-10-19T02:46:58+00:00

DP and I have been together for just over 3 years. We have a 4 week old DD together. This is his first baby, but my second. I was married for 14 years previously and have a 17 y/o DS who lives with us. My DP’s mother was incredibly overbearing during my pregnancy and since DD has been born (see previous thread if interested in details). I have found these first 4 weeks postpartum pretty difficult because of this. I am struggling to be around her at the moment and don’t enjoy her company. When I was with my ExH, we would always spend Christmas day with his family. We’d all have dinner there and spend the majority of the day there afterwards. I would always crave my own Christmas at home with DS and exH but never wanted to rock the boat so just went along with this for 14 years. DP made comments after Christmas last year that we will invite his parents and brother over for Christmas dinner this year because we now have DD. In previous years, he would still have Christmas dinner with his family, sometimes I would join him at his parents because my DS would have dinner with his Dad’s side of the family still. I also sometimes had dinner with my own family. I decided in recent months that I really don’t want to fall into this trap of spending Christmas day / eating dinner with DP family. I did this with my exH and would like to now do my own family Christmases, creating our own traditions and cooking my own dinners and not having to worry about in-laws (especially because they’re quite difficult to be around) for the first time ever!! I told DP tonight and I can tell that he is upset. He has always spent Christmas with his own family. His response was, “well, you can break that news to them” because he knows his parents, but particularly his DM, will be devastated. I am currently doing a night feed wondering whether IABU. DP wants his family to join us for the day. I do not want this and feel an extra sense of protection over the day due to giving it up for exH for most of my adult life. WDYT? Thank you.

Hillarious · 19/10/2025 16:32

Don’t forget, they’re your in laws, but his parents. Sorry that the family dynamic isn’t great for you.

BarbaricYawp · 19/10/2025 16:39

I think if you have a 4-week-old EBF baby, you get to say what works for you and everyone else can lump it actually.

YourWildAmberSloth · 19/10/2025 16:39

Izzywizzy85 · 19/10/2025 14:08

It’s not about dictating. Do you reckon the Ops husband goes 50/50 on all the planning, shopping, cleaning and cooking? I bet he doesn’t. If he’s willing to pick up the slack that’s different.

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It isn't different, not for OP anyway. She wants her own Christmas and own traditions and doesn't want to spend it with his family no matter who does the work.

AngryBookworm · 19/10/2025 16:40

Can your family come at the same time so you don't feel outnumbered in your own home? I find that can really dilute things as it becomes more of a family gathering than hosting/pleasing one specific set. Going out for lunch is also great for this.

Otherwise I'd either stick to your guns, if you feel able, or set a firm time limit. @TravellingJack 's idea of having a late afternoon lunch that has a natural endpoint at kids' bedtime is a good one. You could host them for Boxing Day but would you feel pressure to just do another Christmas meal and still have them there all day being overbearing?

youmustbeshittingme · 19/10/2025 16:45

autumnalgal · 19/10/2025 11:41

I told DP it would be fine for them to come over for a couple of hours later in the evening and perhaps for some leftovers. But if we have them here from lunch time, they will stay for the day. They push boundaries constantly. For example, the day I gave birth, they came to visit and stayed for 4+ hours and kept trying to get us to order a take-away. I went upstairs with DD and told DP he needed to ask them to leave. He did.
4 days later, they came back again and I told DP to let them know that we’d appreciate it if they could only visit for 2 hours as I was (am) still recovering and needed rest. They stayed for 3+ hours. MIL laughed as she commented on how they’d gone over their time limit and then FIL said, “I am not having a time limit placed on seeing my granddaughter.”

After this, and the constant bombardment of messages (I get 3-4 daily), I just don’t desire most of the day with them. I don’t feel like I can trust them if we say, “Yes come, but only for lunch.”

I feel like that’s the only compromise I have in me.

In that case, they either come for the evening or maybe Boxing Day. Definitely don’t have them Christmas morning or for lunch as they won’t leave.

I think given their previous overstepping you need to be quite boundaried and your partner needs to support you.

prelovedusername · 19/10/2025 16:51

If DP wants to host his parents, let him. He can plan and cater everything. Be welcoming, but don’t take on any of the work. If this is what he wants he needs to be the one making it work.

No5ChalksRoad · 19/10/2025 17:03

AngryBookworm · 19/10/2025 16:40

Can your family come at the same time so you don't feel outnumbered in your own home? I find that can really dilute things as it becomes more of a family gathering than hosting/pleasing one specific set. Going out for lunch is also great for this.

Otherwise I'd either stick to your guns, if you feel able, or set a firm time limit. @TravellingJack 's idea of having a late afternoon lunch that has a natural endpoint at kids' bedtime is a good one. You could host them for Boxing Day but would you feel pressure to just do another Christmas meal and still have them there all day being overbearing?

This is a good idea.

now that your child is here, start a tradition that you will have Christmas morning as a nuclear family, and then host all grandparents for drinks and nibbling from 4-6pm, or whatever suits you.

thepariscrimefiles · 19/10/2025 17:19

I've read OP's other thread and her MIL is an overbearing, overstepping nightmare who won't leave her alone. She messages OP multiple times a day and expects to visit a few times a week.

@autumnalgal You will need to put your foot down. Don't let them come round on Christmas Day as they will never leave. If your DP insist on seeing them on Christmas Day, just visit them in the afternoon for a couple of hours and then leave. Alternatively, he can go to his mum's and you and the baby can go to your parents.

TheBewleySisters · 19/10/2025 17:28

We alternated each Christmas. One year just us at home, and the next year we went to the inlaws.

Nearly50omg · 19/10/2025 17:33

I hope you are making a long term escape plan OP? From your “d”p as well as the in laws? You clearly didnt do the freedom programme with women’s aid or any domestic abuse courses after you left your previous controlling arsehole and have taken on yet another abusive clone. Long term the safest and happiest life for you is away from him and his toxic family

OriginalUsername2 · 19/10/2025 17:36

Leftovers!?

I’m mostly with you but I think you need to tread a bit more carefully. There’s a fine line. I think offering them leftovers at the most is very insulting. These are your partners beloved parents after all.

Howwilliknow122 · 19/10/2025 17:37

spoonbillstretford · 19/10/2025 04:08

We get together with inlaws on Christmas Day and Boxing Day but the rest of the holidays is just us. We only live round the corner so no-one stays over.

Edited

Honestly just asking as curious not making digs but why do you see the inlaws Christmas and boxing day? Do you see your own family?

Deliveroo · 19/10/2025 17:42

I don’t think there’s a way to be fair. But one version of this situation sees you shouldering a lot more stress, work and anxiety. As a person who couldn’t put my own needs first, think you should stand your ground op.

Sometimes to get your own way, you have to be prepared to suck up being the bad guy.

Howwilliknow122 · 19/10/2025 17:52

autumnalgal · 19/10/2025 11:41

I told DP it would be fine for them to come over for a couple of hours later in the evening and perhaps for some leftovers. But if we have them here from lunch time, they will stay for the day. They push boundaries constantly. For example, the day I gave birth, they came to visit and stayed for 4+ hours and kept trying to get us to order a take-away. I went upstairs with DD and told DP he needed to ask them to leave. He did.
4 days later, they came back again and I told DP to let them know that we’d appreciate it if they could only visit for 2 hours as I was (am) still recovering and needed rest. They stayed for 3+ hours. MIL laughed as she commented on how they’d gone over their time limit and then FIL said, “I am not having a time limit placed on seeing my granddaughter.”

After this, and the constant bombardment of messages (I get 3-4 daily), I just don’t desire most of the day with them. I don’t feel like I can trust them if we say, “Yes come, but only for lunch.”

I feel like that’s the only compromise I have in me.

Op your inlaws are disgusting, sorry they are. Your partner is also allowing this, their feelings are not priority over yours. They have not given birth to dd, you have. They are not the ones recoving from pregnancy, you are. Its not the same , but ive just had surgery , big op, and ive realised how selfish ppl are when they think they are doing normal family things. Family coming in and out when actually that person needs rest and you dont need their mess either. After one week , I put my foot down, unless you're coming to help me, or look after me, then please stay home, im not an entertainment center. You need to adopt something similar.

LittleBitofBread · 19/10/2025 17:58

autumnalgal · 19/10/2025 11:41

I told DP it would be fine for them to come over for a couple of hours later in the evening and perhaps for some leftovers. But if we have them here from lunch time, they will stay for the day. They push boundaries constantly. For example, the day I gave birth, they came to visit and stayed for 4+ hours and kept trying to get us to order a take-away. I went upstairs with DD and told DP he needed to ask them to leave. He did.
4 days later, they came back again and I told DP to let them know that we’d appreciate it if they could only visit for 2 hours as I was (am) still recovering and needed rest. They stayed for 3+ hours. MIL laughed as she commented on how they’d gone over their time limit and then FIL said, “I am not having a time limit placed on seeing my granddaughter.”

After this, and the constant bombardment of messages (I get 3-4 daily), I just don’t desire most of the day with them. I don’t feel like I can trust them if we say, “Yes come, but only for lunch.”

I feel like that’s the only compromise I have in me.

I came on to say tell your DP they can come as long as he hosts, and you focus on resting and caring for the baby.
But this, especially ‘MIL laughed as she commented on how they’d gone over their time limit and then FIL said, “I am not having a time limit placed on seeing my granddaughter.”’, has changed my position. I think you should remind your DP of this behaviour and explain that this is why you don’t want them at your house.
And block or ignore their messages.

IAmThePrettiestManOnMyIsland · 19/10/2025 18:03

Alternate. One year DH and I go to my parents for dinner until 5, then I host the evening buffet back home where his family come over. The next year I host the Christmas dinner and have DH's family over, then we go to my parents for the evening.

spoonbillstretford · 19/10/2025 20:08

Howwilliknow122 · 19/10/2025 17:37

Honestly just asking as curious not making digs but why do you see the inlaws Christmas and boxing day? Do you see your own family?

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Used to be my parents as well - we were all together, but they have both passed away now.

Howwilliknow122 · 19/10/2025 20:16

spoonbillstretford · 19/10/2025 20:08

Used to be my parents as well - we were all together, but they have both passed away now.

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Oh no....im sorry to hear this. Glad you still have your inlaws then at least. Xxx

spoonbillstretford · 19/10/2025 20:19

Howwilliknow122 · 19/10/2025 20:16

Oh no....im sorry to hear this. Glad you still have your inlaws then at least. Xxx

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Thank you - first Christmas without my mum this year so it will be emotional. MIL made a fuss of me on my birthday knowing my mum would have done the same which was so lovely of her. So glad we still have them.

Howwilliknow122 · 19/10/2025 20:44

spoonbillstretford · 19/10/2025 20:19

Thank you - first Christmas without my mum this year so it will be emotional. MIL made a fuss of me on my birthday knowing my mum would have done the same which was so lovely of her. So glad we still have them.

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Oh hun, im so sorry, honestly. I can't imagine how you will be feeling and im glad to hear your mil made a fuss of you on your bday. So many inlaws aren't as thoughtful which is what prompted me to ask about spending Xmas and boxing day with your inlaws but its lovely to hear a story of kind inlaws, and I hope (im sure they will) they look after you this Christmas. Xxx

Praying4Peace · 19/10/2025 20:57

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 19/10/2025 05:13

I think you are being a bit harsh … you have done the whole child’s first Christmas and excitement about Santa before where your DP and I’m assuming MIL hasn’t. It’s your DP’s first child’s Christmas too - doesn’t he get a say.

Personally I would suck it up this Christmas and then do a 3 year rota- one year his parents, next your family and one year you have just immediate family only.

This
OP's husband has suggested 2 options which I think is reasonable.
Your parents could come too and shared responsibility re cooking etc

pkt3chgirl · 19/10/2025 21:45

The first Christmas I had with our child, I told everyone they were coming to me and I was going to bed early. They all brought a side and desert and washed up for me. Then we alternated who was hosting each year, and we start talking about it around now. You are the new mother, set the tone now and tell them what you want to happen.

Hephzibah64 · 19/10/2025 22:23

You have such a tiny baby I think you should have the Christmas you want. Do something with the in-laws Boxing Day or whenever.

ThisGentleRaven · 19/10/2025 22:32

I don't know why you are expected to sacrifice your Christmas just to pander to the in-laws.

They are adults, I think it's so unfair and ridiculous that they can't manage their own Christmas and try to guilt-trip you into the one THEY want.

There's nothing wrong in having a Christmas for YOU and YOUR family- as long as you don't resent your partner for dropping by to see his own parents if he must at some point, while you enjoy your own home and children.

I would judge parents who are that selfish they'd expect their son to abandon his own family, but sadly too many are unreasonable.