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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas and in-laws

99 replies

autumnalgal · 19/10/2025 03:46

DP and I have been together for just over 3 years. We have a 4 week old DD together. This is his first baby, but my second. I was married for 14 years previously and have a 17 y/o DS who lives with us.

My DP’s mother was incredibly overbearing during my pregnancy and since DD has been born (see previous thread if interested in details). I have found these first 4 weeks postpartum pretty difficult because of this. I am struggling to be around her at the moment and don’t enjoy her company.

When I was with my ExH, we would always spend Christmas day with his family. We’d all have dinner there and spend the majority of the day there afterwards. I would always crave my own Christmas at home with DS and exH but never wanted to rock the boat so just went along with this for 14 years.

DP made comments after Christmas last year that we will invite his parents and brother over for Christmas dinner this year because we now have DD. In previous years, he would still have Christmas dinner with his family, sometimes I would join him at his parents because my DS would have dinner with his Dad’s side of the family still. I also sometimes had dinner with my own family.

I decided in recent months that I really don’t want to fall into this trap of spending Christmas day / eating dinner with DP family. I did this with my exH and would like to now do my own family Christmases, creating our own traditions and cooking my own dinners and not having to worry about in-laws (especially because they’re quite difficult to be around) for the first time ever!!

I told DP tonight and I can tell that he is upset. He has always spent Christmas with his own family. His response was, “well, you can break that news to them” because he knows his parents, but particularly his DM, will be devastated.

I am currently doing a night feed wondering whether IABU. DP wants his family to join us for the day. I do not want this and feel an extra sense of protection over the day due to giving it up for exH for most of my adult life.

WDYT? Thank you.

OP posts:
AcrobaticCardigan · 19/10/2025 14:36

Since we had kids, we always have Christmas at home, and alternate between parents. The one year it was just us felt a bit lacking on Christmas Day & I’d never do it again out of choice. I hope my children want me there at Christmas when they grow up! I do have sympathy regarding the overbearing ILs though, as I have that too! It was worse at the baby stage & now they’re school age it’s definitely eased! X

AcrobaticCardigan · 19/10/2025 14:43

Loub1987 · 19/10/2025 12:39

I totally get it OP, it xan be a bit i tense with family interest in the new born. I also don't like your DP saying you have to tell them, they are his family.

However, for you sanity this year a compromise might make things easier. Could you do a late Christmas lunch so they are there for fourish, eat and then exit by seven as its bedtime?

Also congrats on your new baby!

This sounds like a great day of dealing with it!

GoldMerchant · 19/10/2025 15:03

Why don't you go to them either after lunch in the late afternoon for nibbles/dessert or in the morning for an hour or so? That way, you get to control when you leave? (And if you want to leave before DH, "oh sorry, baby on a schedule/just getting sleeping in the cot cracked/you don't want to leave elder DS too long").

Guests who overstay are an absolute nightmare. 4 hours the day after you gave birth?!? Jesus wept.

Shinyandnew1 · 19/10/2025 15:05

DP made comments after Christmas last year that we will invite his parents and brother over for Christmas dinner this year because we now have DD.

Will he be doing all the shopping, cooking and washing up for the Christmas dinner?

Delatron · 19/10/2025 15:05

I think visiting them would be best - then you don’t have to cook/host with a tiny baby and you can control when you leave (yes baby is a good excuse!).

Shinyandnew1 · 19/10/2025 15:10

If you have a tiny baby, it would be far nicer to go somewhere else for a meal!

Can you say that obviously you won't be up to hosting with a young baby, but happy to go to theirs for Christmas dinner or you will pop to theirs another day.

Blessedbethefruitloopss · 19/10/2025 15:12

What about going out for lunch? So no hosting, you only need to be out of the house for a couple of hours, they can chose to join or not, and then home alone. If they don’t come - that’s on them, and you can go about your day guilt free.

BeeCucumber · 19/10/2025 15:13

Tell DP he can spend Christmas Day with his Mum and Dad if it means so much to him.

thepariscrimefiles · 19/10/2025 15:23

autumnalgal · 19/10/2025 11:41

I told DP it would be fine for them to come over for a couple of hours later in the evening and perhaps for some leftovers. But if we have them here from lunch time, they will stay for the day. They push boundaries constantly. For example, the day I gave birth, they came to visit and stayed for 4+ hours and kept trying to get us to order a take-away. I went upstairs with DD and told DP he needed to ask them to leave. He did.
4 days later, they came back again and I told DP to let them know that we’d appreciate it if they could only visit for 2 hours as I was (am) still recovering and needed rest. They stayed for 3+ hours. MIL laughed as she commented on how they’d gone over their time limit and then FIL said, “I am not having a time limit placed on seeing my granddaughter.”

After this, and the constant bombardment of messages (I get 3-4 daily), I just don’t desire most of the day with them. I don’t feel like I can trust them if we say, “Yes come, but only for lunch.”

I feel like that’s the only compromise I have in me.

What did your DP say about his parents' entitled behaviour, particularly his dad's?

No wonder you don't want to spend Christmas Day with them. The expectation will be that you do all the preparation and cooking, while they coo over the baby all day. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Put your foot down. Tell him that you will have Christmas Dinner as a family and you will visit his parents in the afternoon for a couple of hours. That way, you can leave when you are ready.

What do your parents do for Christmas?

Wishihadanalgorithm · 19/10/2025 15:25

As they have from for overstepping boundaries I would put a firm one in now.

I’d say they can pop over on Boxing Day. If you feel like it, maybe even see them Christmas Eve for a while.

Do not get into any routine now that they will want to stick to in future. If DP doesn’t like it, let him go back to mummy and you stay at home with no thy DC.

You have been a people pleaser in the past and know how it makes you feel so don’t go down that route again.

No5ChalksRoad · 19/10/2025 15:28

That comment of FIL would have been the final straw for me.

If They can’t be trusted to leave as agreed, they would not set foot in my home.

Do you think they would show up anyway on Christmas Day? Even if you made an arrangement for Boxing Day or whatnot?

havingoneofthosedays · 19/10/2025 15:29

What a miserable life for your poor partner.

God forbid grandparents want to see their grandchild.

Catssuddenlyappear · 19/10/2025 15:31

autumnalgal · 19/10/2025 11:41

I told DP it would be fine for them to come over for a couple of hours later in the evening and perhaps for some leftovers. But if we have them here from lunch time, they will stay for the day. They push boundaries constantly. For example, the day I gave birth, they came to visit and stayed for 4+ hours and kept trying to get us to order a take-away. I went upstairs with DD and told DP he needed to ask them to leave. He did.
4 days later, they came back again and I told DP to let them know that we’d appreciate it if they could only visit for 2 hours as I was (am) still recovering and needed rest. They stayed for 3+ hours. MIL laughed as she commented on how they’d gone over their time limit and then FIL said, “I am not having a time limit placed on seeing my granddaughter.”

After this, and the constant bombardment of messages (I get 3-4 daily), I just don’t desire most of the day with them. I don’t feel like I can trust them if we say, “Yes come, but only for lunch.”

I feel like that’s the only compromise I have in me.

You're a more tolerant person than me - I'd have blocked FIL for that comment alone, and would have muted MIL so I wasn't bombarded with messages

I'd only agree to this if DH was hosting/cooking, and I'd probably spend as much time upstairs as possible.

Nanny0gg · 19/10/2025 15:36

'and then FIL said, “I am not having a time limit placed on seeing my granddaughter.”'

I hope you took her off upstairs so he was scuppered @autumnalgal

Nanny0gg · 19/10/2025 15:37

havingoneofthosedays · 19/10/2025 15:29

What a miserable life for your poor partner.

God forbid grandparents want to see their grandchild.

If they were reasonable people they'd probably see her more

londongirl12 · 19/10/2025 15:46

I hope you don’t reply to the 3-4 messages daily. That’s ridiculous!! DH can reply if he wants to.

KatherineSiena · 19/10/2025 15:50

Do you ever get to see your parents/family?

Ilovepastafortea · 19/10/2025 15:54

It's a big sadness to me that I have never spent Christmas in my own home and never got to establish Christmas traditions of my own.

My DF would not spend Christmas anywhere other than his own home he wouldn't even leave the house for a Boxing Day visit. My grandparents would come to our house for the duration and, once I got married, we spent Christmas with my parents. They had a large house and my MIL (who was widowed young) would stay with us from Christmas Eve until the day after Boxing Day. This was further complicated by DH having his own catering business in a busy seaside town & Boxing Day was one of the busiest (and most profitable) days of the year and I needed my parents to babysit so that I could help him in his business - it was (understandably) difficult to persuade staff to work that day & then we'd have to pay them double or triple time.

MIL died in 1994, both my parents died in 2000. Our (now adult) children have their own Christmases either in each other's homes or at their PIL homes.

For the last 4 years (again this year) we've gone to a hotel for Christmas which is great, but I'd have liked to have been able to 'do' Christmas in my own home, watch my GC open their presents & make our own traditions and not felt that I had to follow the way my parents wanted it to be done. But my DF was a grumpy so & so & everyone had to fall in with what he wanted.

I would urge you to be strong & have Christmas your way.

Livelovebehappy · 19/10/2025 15:56

Compromise is key here. You can no more dictate what you want Christmas to look like, as he can the other way round. You’re basically projecting what happened with your ex onto your dh. Maybe suggest every other Christmas, which then gives you both equal control, as you’re then giving him a say as well as yourself. That would be a very fair outcome. I appreciate you might have reasons for not liking them, but they’re your DHs parents, and he clearly loves them and wants them around.

VickyEadieofThigh · 19/10/2025 16:00

No5ChalksRoad · 19/10/2025 15:28

That comment of FIL would have been the final straw for me.

If They can’t be trusted to leave as agreed, they would not set foot in my home.

Do you think they would show up anyway on Christmas Day? Even if you made an arrangement for Boxing Day or whatnot?

I think they would. I also think that even if the OP did as some have advised and invited them over later on Xmas Day, they'd show up at whatever time they fancied and stay all day. I've read her other posts elsewhere - these in-laws are just awful.

Personally, I'd be secretly renting a cottage miles away and not telling them until it's far too late that we were going away for Xmas. And I would definitely not tell them where.

Unfortuantely, however, the OP has a MASSIVE DP problem...

Shoulderscuff · 19/10/2025 16:01

You have gone from one awful family to another, can you really not see that?

Don't marry him, don't give the baby his name.
He's another mummy's boy man child who can't face a Christmas in his own home.

Send him to have Christmas with his mother, it will be better all round.

VickyEadieofThigh · 19/10/2025 16:02

KatherineSiena · 19/10/2025 15:50

Do you ever get to see your parents/family?

Good question - between her previous DH and this one, the OP seems to be permitted no contact with her own family in all this.

Driftingawaynow · 19/10/2025 16:27

they Have not respected boundaries or behaved reasonably so of course you are wary and anxious, your partner is being a shit trying to force you to deal with the fallout. I’m sorry love, it’s not ok
Personally id say not this year as baby is so tiny and they have stressed you out too much, but offer a meal out or at theirs during the period so you can leave when you want. And next year or if things continue to be this difficult he will be taking the baby over to see them on his own for a couple of hours in the evening.

SwayzeM · 19/10/2025 16:28

So baby will only be 3 months old and may still be unpredictable regarding routine. Your in-laws already cross boundaries and have no consideration for you. Your dh is less supportive in making sure his parents don't overstay than he should be. Either he lacks understanding of your needs after giving birth, isn't listening to you, has no concept of the amount of energy dealing with a newborn can take, or he's too used to going along with anything his parents want.

Can you make him understand that this is still going to be early days for you and baby, so what happens this Christmas isn't necessarly going to set the pattern for future years, but this year you may not have the time or energy to shop, clean, cook and host.

I know some people manage fine and some babies settle in to a good routine and sleep through the night early. Others don't and you have no way of knowing how things will be by Christmas. You may find it hard to even eat your dinner with everyone else if you're breastfeeding, never mind cooking it.

I wouldn't have them over for dinner as they've already made it clear they won't accept being given a time limit. I would suggest offering to to to them after dinner because that way you won't disrupt the meal if baby gets fussy. Go in separate cars so you can take yourself and baby home if they get overtired if you don"t think he would agree to leave if you and baby needed a break from the noise etc.

I would try to agree a rota basis for Christmas for future years so it isn't completely dropping his tradition of getting together with family. Equally you don't have to have up your idea of a family Christmas every year. 1 year with them, and 1 year with your family for xmas dinner. Then a year at home but maybe invite people for tea or boxing day.

tripleginandtonic · 19/10/2025 16:30

I think the only fair thing to do is alternate the Christmas you want with your dp. Why do you get a greater say, this year fair enough because baby is tiny but going forwards I think you should compromise.